AN: second chapter! Hidan will barely make an appearance in this chapter, because Kakuzu wont really have a chance to go online… (not telling why)
Warning: swearing, yaoi, gore, etc.
Disclaimer: every electronic in my name is a hand-me-down, do you really think I own Naruto?
I forgot to mention this before hand but there will be no lemon (unless people start bothering me about how they want it)
Kakuzu was tired. Between work, school, and his late night chats with San, there was barely any time left for sleep. So now he found himself, in Konan's kitchen, having a staring contest with his coffee. The coffee was winning.
"Mom!(1) Where is the Captin' Crunch?" Kisame was standing in the kitchen, sifting through half a dozen boxes of cereal, trying to find the kind he liked. Konan grabbed his arm and dragged him into a chair.
"I'm not getting that for you anymore. It's sugar coated razor blades(2)." She placed a plate loaded with pancakes before his chair. "Eat this instead."
"But I want –mmmf" Kisame was cut off by a fork full of pancakes practically being shoved down his throat.
"Shut up!" Growled Itachi. His eyes kept flickering over to Kakuzu, fortunately for all parties involved the shark-boy somehow got the message. The rest of the meal was spent with Kisame trying to make small talk and everybody else trying to shut him up.
The stitched man took a sip of his coffee, slowly taking his revenge for all those rounds of staring contest it had won. Take that inanimate object! He mused snidely.
"Kakuzu?" Konan asked quietly, but all she received was a noncommittal grunt. "What do you have planed today?"
"I wouldn't know, my day planer mysteriously disappeared from on top of my dresser yesterday." He sent an accusing glare across the table. Zetsu had stolen it, that wasn't even a question; Zetsu was the only person stealthy enough to go into his bedroom without leaving a trace. However, whom he had stolen it for was still a up in the air. Most likely, it was Konan. But chances were it might have been Itachi and Kisame. Or perhaps all three, it was hard to tell.
"Good! That means that you're free today!" Konan chirped happily. The miser heaved a sigh, at least now he knew who the evil mastermind was. He slinked off to his room, hoping to get dressed into something comfortable. Konan's planning usually equaled bad parties and binge drinking, all of which were much more pleasant in comfy cloths. Spending the night with your head in a toilet was much more fun when your shoes didn't pinch.
Back in the kitchen, two people talked quietly. Discussing their plans for their stressed-out friend. "He just needs to enjoy himself. A few parties and some beer in his system and he'll be fine."
"I still think we should take him to a spa. He needs it." Itachi wasn't that close to Kakuzu, but he understood the other man's character well enough to know what he would like. Konan fixed the raven-haired boy with a withering glare, which he returned without a second thought.
"He isn't tired, he is sexually frustrated. I know he wont like it, but he has a much better chance of getting lucky at a party then a spa." They spun around to see a young boy with a shock of red hair. He regarded them blankly and continued. "He needs it." He smiled a little as he mimicked itachi's words.
"See Itachi? I am right!"
"Whatever you say mommy dearest." he left the other two alone. He would save the 'I told you so" for the morning when news of 'mass murder on the Akatsuki campus' broke out.
I hate parties.
At some point in time Kakuzu found himself surrounded drunken college students, loud music, and the overwhelming sent of sex. They had dragged him to a party with the excuse that he was 'working too much and needed some fun', and shortly after abandoned him when they got bored. So now the brunette was sitting on a couch, drinking his fourth beer, (he had lost his mask around the beginning of the party) and wishing that everybody in the party would spontaneously combust. At least that would be entertaining.
The couch bounced a little as someone else sat down, but he had eyes only for the beer that sat in front of him. They sat in silence for a few minutes before the other man gave an exasperated sigh and tried to strike up a conversation.
"This party is fucking boring, seriously." Kakuzu kept his eyes on his beer, hopefully the other person would get the idea and leave. No such luck. "My stupid fucking friends dragged me here. So far this party sucks ass, the food is bad, the music sounds like shit, and this is the first place to sit that was empty, fuck!"
"The seat was empty for a reason." Since ignoring the man wasn't going to work Kakuzu would have to scare him. Angry green eyes rose to meet wide magenta ones, and stopped. Magenta? Normal people don't have magenta eyes. The miser took in the other mans face, he had large magenta eyes, pale skin, and short silver hair that he wore slicked back. He sat there half-glaring, half-ogling, trying hard not to look down at the albino's shirtless chest.
"Why."
"What?" Kakuzu's eyes snapped back up to the other man's, they had been traveling south.
"Why was the seat empty?"
"'Cause I'm scary." He hadn't expected to say anything, he hadn't even expected the conversation to have lasted as long as it did, but somehow here he was talking to a stranger.
"Naw, I think deep down you're a pussy cat." He punched Kakuzu's arm playfully, the brunette returned the favor by punching him full force in the arm. The silver haired boy let out a string of indecipherable curses.
"Don't touch me." They sat there in an uncomfortable silence for a while before a pale hand entered Kakuzu's peripheral.
"I'm Hidan." The hand just sat there, a plump mass of pale flesh just begging to be ripped from its owner.
"Go. Away." Kakuzu swatted away the offending appendage, but it just returned to its previous position.
"You're supposed to tell me your name, and shake my hand." He waved his hand in Kakuzu's face, remaining oblivious as the other man's anger slowly rose.
"And you're supposed to leave me alone." He threw the hand to the side again. "And if you enter my personal bubble again. I. will. Hurt. You."
"You mean like this?" Pale hands shot out, gripping tanned ones and forcefully shaking them. Kakuzu reacted before he could think, his fist connected with Hidan's face, throwing the latter, half way across the room.
He grabbed a piece of paper and wrote 'Hi I'm Kakuzu' in cursive with lots of hearts and stars and sparkles, hopefully the albino would understand that he was being mocked. Grabbing a safety pin he fastened the note to Hidan's pants.
"Bye, bye brat."
"Found you." Zetsu ambled over to the stool Kakuzu was currently occupying, and grabbed the one right next to him. "About fucking time too!" his black hand motioned towards the bartender. "So, you started a fight? Nice job asshole."
"Would you like something sir?" the bartender was standing obediently, trying not to stare. It wasn't every night you get a man with stitches all over, and another with black and white skin, and green hair.
"IT'S A SKIN CONDITION, JACKASS!" Zetsu blurted out, practically making the bartender jump. "Don't be mean. Just get me a fucking Budweiser. You are not poisoning my body with that junk. I will poison our body all I want. No you will not I-"
"They will have a coke." Kakuzu interjected, saving the poor bastard from anymore of Zetsu's ranting. The poor man ran off, and truth be told, he had never seen someone move that fast. "I did not start a fight. I just knocked a guy out." He was now addressing the green haired man. The two-toned man opened his mouth but was cut off by a loud noise from across the bar.
"ZETSU-SAN! QUICK TOBI NEEDS QUARTERS TO FINISH HIS GAME!" a black haired boy, with a orange eye-patch ran up, and proceeded to bounce around Zetsu. "Please! I only have thirty seconds left!"
"Shut up." The black hand delved into its pocket and came up with about three dollars in quarters. "Now go away."
"Thank you Zetsu-san." The boy planted a chaste kiss on the schizo's lips and ran off. Kakuzu could not help but shudder at the thought of being so close to the mouth of someone who had once argued the validity of cannibalism. The white hand waved happily, wile the black hand wiped their lips.
"Fuck, not you too."
"What?"
"First it was Pein and Konan. Then Itachi and Kisame started hooking up. Now shark-boy keeps trying to talk to me about how he loves Itachi, but he doesn't know how to tell him. And now you have a new toy. The only single ones here are me and Sasori."
"Tobi is not a toy. And Sasori isn't single." He pointed down the bar, to the afore mentioned redhead, holding hands with a feminine looking blond. The blond looked like he had just won the lottery, but Sasori looked unfazed as ever. A shattering sound was heard as glass scattered across the countertop.
Kakuzu stormed off, leaving behind a terrified bartender, a bemused/angry Zetsu, and a small trail of blood from his left hand.
"Zetsu-san, I lost again." Tobi rushed to his boyfriend's side, looking slightly disappointed. "Is something wrong?" Tobi's voice was laced with concern, before colorless hands wrapped around his waist.
"I am never going to say this again so listen. I like you a lot, and you are not just some toy. That is the closest thing to 'I love you' as you are gonna get." The last thing Zetsu remembered was Tobi violently hugging him.
(1)haha Konan is mom
(2)this is what I call Captin' Crunch