Hans spent his first night at Hellsing dreaming of Seras. He'd had nightmares before, but this one was by far the worst.
He was back in the Major's Zeppelin. Everyone was alive, except shrödinger. The Major had won. Integra was dead, Alucard was gone, and Seras had been taken prisoner. He watched from the Majors side as Zorin lay into her.
Zorin had Seras bound to a chair and First, she gouged out Seras' eyes, the young vampire writhing and screaming to no avail. Then, she released Seras from her restraints, taunting the blind vampire and dancing around her wild strikes.
Seras' tenacity seemed to annoy Zorin, so she started striking back. First, her scythe found a home in Seras' abdomen, causing the girl to vomit blood all over the floor. The next strike took off her right forearm. Seras persisted her attack until Zorin cut her left shin in half. Seras crumpled to the floor, unable to stand.
He screamed and screamed and screamed and urged his body into motion, but nothing happened. He remained still as a statue at the Major's side watching the carnage unfold.
His mother and father were there too, and his little sister, Dianne. They all looked to him, pleading.
The Major snapped his fingers and Hans raised an MG-42, turning them all into red streaks against the wall of the command deck, their bullet-riddled corpses crashing into the floor.
Out of the corner of his eye, Hans saw Seras raise her right arm to him, the stump still spouting blood. Zorin was over her, scythe ready to deliver the final blow and lop her head off.
Something inside him finally broke then. Bright blue flames spewed forth from blackening everything in their wake. Rip, Dok, Zorin and the SS vampires were incinerated in an instant. The Major threw his family's corpses to the fire and ran, in a vain attempt to delay its the inevitable. By the time he'd made it to the exit the fire had licked up the sleeves of his coat and he was a writhing inferno too.
Seras tried to crawl away from the heat and the burning, but it was all around her, nowhere was safe. And, eventually, it claimed her too. Millennium was destroyed, but it didn't matter, in the process of destroying them he had burned Seras.
Her screams as her blood ignited and her flesh charred off her bones pierced the veil of his dreams, rousing him from cursed sleep.
He sat straight up, drenched in sweat, and locked eyes with a giant wolf wreathed in blue flame.
The heat from the wolf turned his room into a furnace, cracking stone and bending wood. The wolf knelt as if readying itself for a fight, and snarled at him. Hans wanted nothing to do with those brilliant blue flames and gently eased himself behind his couch. Hans watched the blue beast give a disgruntled huff and turn to make its way towards the door. Suddenly he remembered what lived on the other side of that door.
Seras.
Hans' charge was completely noiseless. He changed form mid-jump, the flaming wolf barely made three steps before his white-furred form crashed into it, blowing them both through the walls of his room and into the stone basement hallway.
He was vaguely aware that he was burning, collision with the beast had set his fur on fire. The other wolf snapped wildly at Hans singing away fur on his left side and leaving angry red burn marks on his skin.
He paid them no mind. He wouldn't let this thing, whatever it was, get out of here alive.
Steeling himself for the oncoming pain, he sunk his teeth into his opponents flaming neck.
The pain was unimaginable, his mouth was filled with blue flame, his tongue, gums, and lips were all quickly charred and blackened. The other wolf was still struggling in the vice-like grip of his jaws.
He slammed one of his paws down on the creature's snout, burning the pads of his feet in the process. He was rewarded with a satisfying crunch, snap and squelch as the force of the impact separated the flaming wolf's lower jaw from its face.
Then, he smelled its fear. The scent drove him absolutely wild. He growled through the pain and forced his jaws closed. A crunch and a tear later, and Hans found most of the other wolf's trachea hanging between his teeth, blue liquid fire trickling down his long canines and matting the fur on his chin. He swallowed it whole without a second thought.
The creature was still spasming with a vain attempt to save itself. Hans didn't give it the mercy of a quick death.
His next stikes tore open its stomach and broke its hind legs. After that, everything was a blur. He bit into the thing again and again, long after it was dead, growling at anyone who dared approach him.
He only stopped once he'd completely devoured the other wolf, bones and all, leaving its scorched imprint in the cracked stone flooring of the cellar. At some point in the fight, the fire must have stopped burning him, the remnants of flame on his lips caressing him warmly before going out. Then, he came back to his senses.
The Wild Geese had him in complete encirclement, all looking at him with a mixture of shock, horror, and wonderment, firearms raised.
It took him a few seconds find Seras in the crowd. Luckily she was at the front, her face a mixture of terror and relief.
He knew Integra was mixed in with the group, but he didn't see her. He hoped she wouldn't be too mad at him.
First, he needed to show Seras everything was alright. He padded over to her, limping on his burned leg, and pushed his face towards hers. At first, she tensed with fright, but when his giant nose pressed against hers and huffed warm air into her face, she understood and relaxed. He pushed into her a bit rubbing the less burned side of his snout against her ear, gently nuzzling her. He licked her cheek affectionately and she couldn't help but giggle at the rough sensation of his massive tongue.
But, for him, the sensation was different, he hadn't thought about how painful it would be to lick her with a burnt mouth, and pressing his charred tongue against her had only served to remind the rest of his body how much pain he ought to be in. His body, on the other hand, thought it would be wiser to shut down than deal with that much pain.
In a puff of white mist, the giant wolf was gone, replaced by a less giant, nude, smoldering, German, who promptly fell forwards into Seras' unexpecting arms.
Seras almost fell over when Hans toppled into her arms. He was heavy, and she had to be careful not to sluff off some of the skin covering his more severe burns. But, she was strong, and once she recovered from her initial shock, she looped one of her arms behind his knees, and the other around his broad shoulders, letting his head rest on her shoulder. The worst of his burs were on his chest, arms and neck. She was careful to avoid them when she gently lifted his feet off the ground, carrying him bridal style.
For other people, Hans' length would have been very difficult to get a proper hold on, let alone carry. And, although the distance from his knees to his shoulders was almost her entire wingspan, her vampiric strength more than made up for his awkward proportions.
It took most of the Wild Geese slightly longer to react, but, when Pip yelled at them to "Get ze doctors!" Benji flew into action.
A path was instantly cleared for her, and she began her walk to the infirmary, flanked by Sir Integra and Benji. She moved as quickly as she dared, not wanting to further hurt Hans on the way.
Integra had nothing to say, but Seras could tell she was impatient. No doubt she would pull Seras into a debriefing as soon as Hans was out of her arms.
Benji on the other hand, was a chatterbox, he spoke nonstop into his radio, yelling alternately at the doctors in the infirmary, briefing them on the extent of Hans' injuries and at the gate guards, ordering them to get in touch with the nearest burn center they could and get burn specialists to the Hellsing mansion ASAP.
He quitted when they made it to the infirmary. Seras laid Hans down on the bed the doctors had prepared for him. Then, she noticed he was smiling again, not the childish grin she'd seen the first time they fought, but instead, his cheeks were pushed up into a self-satisfied smile, like he was proud of a job well done. She had a sudden urge to pat him on the head and call him a good boy.
Maybe there was something wrong with him. She'd only seen him really smile twice, and both times fire seemed to be involved. In retrospect, it was probably best that she'd kept her focus on his face, considering the state of his clothing, nonexistent.
"Seras!" Integra's harsh command stopped her mind running any further down that rabbit hole.
"Yessir?" She replied, startled.
"With me. Benji, make sure our guard dog is seen to."
Benji replied with a stiff salute.
She didn't like being pulled away from Hans, but there was nothing she could do for him now.
Once the two were alone in Integra's office, she began.
"What happened?"
"One second I was asleep, the next thing I knew there was a crash and a fight. Hans was bigger than I remembered."
Much bigger, in fact, the flaming wolf had been the size of Hans when they had first met it the zeppelin. Now, Hans was more than twice its size.
"You couldn't sense it coming?"
"Sort of, Sir."
"Sort of?"
"I noticed it just before Hans sent it through the wall. Any Ideas what it was, Sir?"
Integra shook her head apologetically, a rare sight. "Not at the moment. I need time to think about this, you're dismissed."
"Thank you, Sir," Seras said as she rose. "The flames, Sir." She added, on her way out.
"What about them?"
"Don't they remind you of that Valentine, when he killed himself?" And Hans, she'd seen those same blue flames engulf him once, and she didn't want to see it again.
Integra nodded.
She went to the firing range then. There was nothing she could do at the moment, and it pissed her off. Shooting had always calmed her down, and she needed to do something to push the image of Hans' burnt form out of her mind.
She quickly found one of the M4A1 assault rifles the Wild Geese used for training and started sending rounds plinking off distant metal targets.
"How're you feeling, mignonette?" Pip's voice cut through the echo of her gunfire.
"Hans should have healed by now."
"Perhaps injuries from his kind take longer to heal."
"That thing was a werewolf?"
"It seemed familiar, no?"
"What do you mean?" Now, Seras was curious.
"It reminded me of ze attack dog; when we first put him down."
"Are you still on about Hans?" Her confusion turning to frustration. She hadn't expected Pip to like Hans, but she wished that he wouldn't constantly try to turn her against him.
He must have sensed her frustration because he spoke his next words very softly. "If you trust him, so will I, but do you onestly not zhink zat is not connected to him in some way?"
"You're right," she admitted, squeezing another shot into the metal mannequin across the field. But, that didn't mean she had to like it. "Well talk to him when he wakes up."
Pip thought it best not to correct her, but they were both thinking it.
If he wakes up.
Hans' sleep was mercifully dreamless.
Waking up, however, was quite uncomfortable. Blisters on his face had practically fuzed his eyelids, mouth, and nose shut. He could feel wrappings of gauze covering most of his chest, neck arms, and right leg. There were parts of his body, like his midriff and right arm, that he could barely feel, and surrounding those splotches of dullness his skin was incredibly itchy. He had been surrounded by curtains, turning his section of the infirmary into a makeshift room.
He moved to rise, but found his body less than cooperative, causing one of his arms to flop haphazardly and pull a heart rate sensor off his chest. The room was filled with an infernal beeping noise as the machine angrily informed his doctors that he had apparently died.
Benji rushed into the room, followed by a man in a white coat and surgical mask, trying his best to usher the soldier out. When he saw Hans struggling to rise, he let out a surprised gasp and swore under his breath. The doctor rushed to him and gently pushed him back into the mattress.
"Be still," the man ordered, his voice was thickened by the mask covering his nose and mouth, but there was still an unmistakable London accent. "You aren't even supposed to be awake right now, let alone moving around."
Hans obeyed, lying back on the mattress behind him, propped up against a pillow.
"I'll go tell Integra you're up, she's been wanting to speak with you," Benji said, finally letting the doctor shove him out of the makeshift room.
Hans nodded stiffly, the bandages around his neck making it hard to move.
The doctor introduced himself next, drawing Hans' attention. His name was doctor Levine, he was from a burn center in London. He kept rambling on about how miraculous his recovery had been, no one from Levine's team had expected him to survive such extensive burns, but, here he was, one and a half days later, waking up through heavy anesthesia.
His rant was interrupted by Sir Integra, Seras trailing behind, she was holding a plastic bag. Sir Hellsing quickly dismissed the doctor, and when he seemed reluctant to leave the patient she shot him a look that cowed him into submission.
Seras, however, was the first to speak. She didn't know whether to be angry at him for making her worry or happy that he was, to some extent, ok. She settled on happy.
"Welcome back," she said softly, flashing him a quick smile.
Hans nodded, but she could see his face soften slightly under his scowling, and now blistered, mask.
Integra was shaking her head, "You were in my service for less than six hours before you got into a fight."
Hans shot her an apologetic look.
"You're gonna make a god awful butler." Integra continued, much to Hans' dismay. "But, you fought well, so maybe I'll promote you to guard dog."
Only Seras could see the relief wash through him, his ears perking up, and his head tilting a fraction of a centimeter to the right.
Oh god, how she wanted to pet him and run her hands through his white locks. They looked so soft and comfortable.
Instead, she pulled up a chair and sat next to him.
Integra and Benji soon learned that questioning him would have to wait, as the burnt skin and blisters in and around his mouth and nose had rendered him practically mute. Not much of a change considering how scarce his voice was anyway.
After a few minutes of attempting to ask him only yes and no questions, the two gave up and left. Seras stayed, ostensibly because he was her responsibility, and also because she didn't want him to get lonely. And, also maybe because she was starting to like the time she got alone with him, although she'd vehemently deny it if questioned.
So, they just sat there. It was awkward at first, neither speaking to the other. She was pretty sure they were both blushing, although in Hans' case it could just as easily have been the burns on his cheeks reddening them.
"Why did you come to Hellsing?" She asked, breaking the long silence.
He shrugged. He didn't really know, it had seemed like the right decision at the time and, so far, he wasn't regretting it.
Hans raised a partially singed eyebrow, and, with a tiny movement, jutted his chin out towards her.
"Me?"
He nodded.
"I didn't really have a choice, for me it was 'become a vampire or bleed to death'."
Hans didn't like that. He growled his disagreement, but it came out as a more of a rasping cough.
Without thinking, she put her hand on the less burnt of his cheeks
The skin was red, hot and angry, while hers was cool and soft. The difference in their temperatures caused her hand to feel very warm, almost to the point of discomfort, but, as it made its way up her arm, the burning sensation receded, replaced by a peculiar tingling,
Hans seemed to like the cool sensation of her hand too, as he pressed his face further into her palm.
"It's ok," she assured him, "If Alucard hadn't bit me, I probably wouldn't have survived Millenium's attack on London."
That had the opposite effect of what she intended. Guilt briefly flashed across his features. She'd forgotten what side of that attack he'd been on. Oh, shit.
Not knowing what else to do, she reached out her hand and ran it through his hair in an attempt to placate him. "And besides," she rushed out, "If he never bit me I would never have met… everyone"
You.
He seemed content with her response, and pushed his head up into her hand, signaling her to use a bit more force. She gently dug her nails into his scalp, massaging the flesh while she ran her fingers through his hair.
Soft.
She was rewarded with a blissful smile and a whine of appreciation.
"Oh good, you can smile, I was worried I was going to have to set you on fire again so I could see it again," she joked, before realizing he was still covered in bandages and burns.
Her hand shot from his head to cover her mouth, her face turning beet red. She tripped over her words in apology.
Hans let out a huff of air that could be mistaken for a chuckle and shook his head. He reached out for her with his less injured arm, and took hold of her wrist, pulling it back towards his head. She intertwined her hands with his hair and resumed her massage.
She didn't realize that she'd moved, but sitting both on Hans' bed and the chair she'd been using was getting a bit uncomfortable.
Fuck it.
She scooted onto the edge of his bed to get a better vantage point to massage him…
There wasn't much point in lying to herself anymore; She scooted onto the edge of his bed to get closer to him.
He reached behind her running one of his few unburnt fingers down her spine, between her shoulder blades, and stopping at the small of her back, before proceeding back upwards, lightly catching the fabric of her clothes.
His huffs turned to grunts which turned to appreciative hmms as she experimented with massaging different parts of his scalp. He turned his head up to her and met her red-eyed gaze with his piercing blues.
Now they were definitely both blushing.
She was vaguely aware of her hands shaking. The vampire side of her was shooting adrenaline into her because of her close proximity to a werewolf. The human side of her was blasting her with all sorts of hormones due to her close proximity to an attractive male.
Unfortunately, her vampiric distress also roused pip. He usually stayed quiet when he was not needed for combat, or by the Wild Geese.
He was taken aback at the sight of the two of them, just staring at each other, and relishing their contact. In most cases, Pip would have been angry, no, furious. But, seeing them smile at each other, so absorbed by the other that neither noticed his presence, he decided to let them have their moment. He retreated back into Seras' shadow, resolving to tease her later. He didn't have problems with her finding happiness with another man, he just wished that man wasn't Hans.
She gently touched her forehead to his, relishing the feeling of the warmth radiating off him mix with the cold coming off her. Suddenly, she started, remembering. Hans shot her a concerned look, worried that he'd done something wrong. She smiled sweetly and gave his hair a reassuring ruffle.
She was both ecstatic and ashamed at the whine he made when she extricated herself from him. Ecstatic that she could evoke something like that from him, and ashamed that she had.
"I got you something," she said, excitedly, as she pulled clothing from her bag.
He raised an eyebrow, intrigued.
She spun around holding his greatcoat. It had been stitched together, each of the slashes covered by neat, machine stitched, folds. The Luftwaffe insignias on the sleeves had been removed, replaced with the Hellsing insignia.
"I had it put back together," Seras clarified. "I had to take it back to get the Hellsing patches on after you joined."
She reached back into the bag and pulled out his cap. Tossing it in his lap, "I did this one myself."
He turned the hat over in his hands, it hadn't been torn in the fight, but the swastika had been expertly removed, leaving only the eagle behind.
He pulled her into a one-armed hug pressing her to his chest to show his gratitude and ignoring the pain as her full chest pressed into his bandaged one. She hugged him back, and it for a moment everything was nice.
"I figured you might like these, especially since you… don't… have... any… clothes…"
Her face got redder and redder as her thoughts formulated themselves on her lips. They'd both been oblivious to his nudity, he so well covered in bandages and medical blankets that, she'd forgotten how bare he was when he'd fallen into her arms.
"Pants," she resolved, shooting up. He grabbed her wrist before she could flee the room. Hans shook his head slowly and pointed at one of the walls of his cloth room. When she looked through it, she saw a rack full of medical gowns.
"Yeah that'll work," she sighed.
He raised his hands over his head and she slid the gown onto his shoulders, before turning her back on him so that he could adjust its lower portions.
He beckoned her back with a whine, and she came. She sat next to him on the bed and ran her fingers through his hair as he hmm-ed appreciatively and rested his chin on top of her head. After a few moments, she could feel his breathing relax as he drifted off to sleep. The rhythmic beating of his heart lulling her with him.
Seras felt something poke her forehead. She cracked her eyes open and found herself face to face with Pip. She gave a little squeal of surprise before trying her best to extricate herself from Hans.
Pip laughed quietly at the sight of the flustered vampire. "Benji's coming," he said, his tone slightly serious.
With some reluctance, she got off the bed, returning to her chair by his side. Doing so, she got a better look at his face, while they were asleep, his healing seemed to have done its work. The blisters on his face were all but gone, leaving only hints of reddened skin behind, his lips were no longer swollen so large he couldn't open his mouth.
Benji's entrance roused Hans from his sleep. His eyes shot open, and his whole body stiffened, expecting an attack before he remembered where he was, and let his body rest back against the pillows he was propped up on.
Soon enough, his breathing had steadied once again.
"You're healing fast," Benji noted.
"Not fast enough," Hans sighed, flailing one of his bandaged arms out as an example. Although he was doing his best to hide it, Seras could see that being cooped up like this was driving him stir-crazy.
"Faster than any human would, we had to send the doctors back so they wouldn't get spooked."
Hans nodded his understanding.
"On the bright side, whatever attacked you only slowed you down" Seras chirped in.
Hans nodded again.
"What was it, anyway?" Seras asked.
"Like you and ze Frenchman… but für my kind."
"Relationship? I know zat you know it's not wise to eat a woman on the first date." Pip teased, getting a withering glare from both Hans and Seras.
"Do you mean like a familiar?" Seras asked.
Hans nodded.
"Why would it attack you then?"
Hans gave a shrug, "Volves fight for dominance. Such combat is part of growing up. Alzogh, I do not think I vas meant to consume it." She could tell there was more to it than that but decided not to press the subject until they were alone again
"Growing up?"
"Ze Major thought it best if I was kept from maturing, Dok made it so."
"So you're telling us zat you're going through werewolf puberty?" Benji interjected.
Hans nodded again.
"You're just full of surprises," he sighed.
"Is it this violent for all werewolves?" Seras asked.
Hans shook his head, "I zhink Dok's… interference made it vorse."
"Enough with ze sidetracking," Pip grumbled from Seras' shoulder. "Why are you here?"
"Sir Integra wants to speak with Seras, and ze wolf, if he can walk."
Hans moved to stand, but Seras was on her feet in a second, pushing him back into the pillows. Her hand on his perfectly sculpted shoulder. Touching him was fun.
"Stay," she teased.
He shot her an annoyed look but did as he was told. Their short conversation had all but sapped him of his energy. If the bed hadn't been so damn inviting… He was out before he could finish his thought.
It took another three days before the burns had subsided enough to make him combat ready. He spent most of the time dipping in and out of consciousness. During the night, she was usually away, but during the day he would find her dosing in sofa near his bed. She looked so calm when she slept, her face free of worry and stress. He wanted to preserve that beauty. Once, a ray of sun from an open window had strayed dangerously close to her, and he'd roused her trying to throw his blanket over her protectively. Although the sunlight wouldn't kill her, it wasn't comfortable for vampires.
After that, he'd requested heavier curtains be used for his section of the infirmary, complaining that the sun was making it difficult for him to rest. It wasn't long before Seras guessed the real reason behind the action. She scolded him for wasting everyone's time, but she didn't seem to upset by it.
Occasionally they'd both be awake, and she'd tell him about her missions, and all the shenanigans the Wild Geese tended to pull, much to Pips amusement. He would listen to her stories, and every now and then she even got that huffing chuckle out of him. She'd ask him questions too, about his family, and his life before Millenium.
Turns out, he was almost eighty years old. He was born during the first world war and spent most of his life under the Weimar and Nazi governments. He had loved his family, his father had been good and strong, and raised him well, and his mother kind and caring for him and his younger sister. He lost his family when the Major took him. And, although he didn't say it, she could see he blamed himself for their deaths.
At least that's something we have in common.
She told him about herself too, her life before her bite, as a police girl with MI-5. She told him that her parents weren't with her anymore.
He gave her an understanding nod, and put a hand out on her wrist, letting her know she wasn't obligated to say anything more. He could guess, from the way she spoke of it, that they hadn't died of natural causes.
Some of their conversations were more lighthearted though. She joked about how none of the Wild Geese had taken her seriously at first, and how the looks on their faces when they had seen Alucard phase through a wall were priceless. However, they were both very private people with very complex pasts, and awkward situations eventually arose. They found their way around through other means, either through affectionate tousles of his hair or through quick smiles he sent at her.
Both of them had gotten into the habit of keeping their lips pressed together on the rare occasions that they smile. Their long fangs having a discomforting effect on normal humans. But around each other, that wasn't much of a problem. She didn't know when she'd stopped hiding her fangs, but between the two of them, toothy grins were almost commonplace. She definitely smiled a lot more around him. As for him, she was pretty sure she'd borne witness to every time he'd smiled, maybe ever.
After their close encounter with Benji, they were both warier of cuddling, but she still used every opportunity she could to pet him or run her hands through his hair, relishing the affectionate growls and hmms he would make when she hit a sweet spot.
He couldn't seem to get enough of it either, her touch was cool and soothing, while simultaneously making all the hairs on his body stand on end. The incorrectness of the whole idea made it that much better. As a werewolf, he was instinctively wary of vampires, and his experiences with those of Millenium had only reinforced those feelings.
Her touch had his wolf side sending waves of adrenaline through his system, sharpening his senses to levels he hadn't even known possible. And, around her, that was very very dangerous. Not that that would stop either of them.
On the third day of his healing, the two were summoned once again, escorted by Benji. Seras was annoyed that Integra still didn't trust Hans, but after Walter, she could at least understand why. Once in Integra's office, the two were confronted by the blonde woman with a map of Europe unfurled on her table.
"I want all the information you have on Millenium," straight to the point, as usual.
"We were gonna ask you sooner, but you did the whole thing with the fire, and we couldn't really talk" Seras added with a sheepish grin, gesturing at her face for emphasis.
Hans gave a long sigh, that was quite a bit of information. He'd been the Major's lapdog for fifty years.
"I'm pretty sure you're gonna have to be more specific than that, Sir."
Integra rubbed her forehead in annoyance.
"Did the Major have any contingency plans if his attack on London failed?"
Hans shook his head, London had been the Major's gambit, win or die.
"We've discovered and raided three Millennium storehouses, are there any more we should know about?" Integra asked as she pointed to the locations of the three they had already found, Brazil, Egypt, and Denmark.
Seras had told him that she hadn't liked the Egypt mission, the warehouse had been completely abandoned, and it'd been far to hot for her taste there. Even the nights were not adequately cold.
This time, a nod from Hans. His finger fell on the map, and Integra swore under her breath.
Rome.
AN: welcome to the end of Chapter two of Getting Hansy, I do hope you enjoyed. This chapter was much harder to write than the first, but I'm really looking forward to the next chapter. Rome shenanigans incoming.
I really wanna thank everyone who left a review on the first chapter, this work has been my first time writing anything that wasn't a paper for school or something of that ilk.
Looks like this won't be as slow burn as I thought, but I'll still be slow.
As for the fire, I wanted to connect Hans' death in the series to him maturing in the story.
As always, please don't forget to leave me a review as to the direction you want this story to go, your input is always appreciated! (Tell me if you want smut) Or, alternatively, tell me my writing is garbage.
Next chapter should be out in a few weeks.
On an unrelated note, I was originally gonna name this fic Inspired by Inspired by Lsayaku, but I was worried it'd be to meta.
Best,
~Schitify.