Disclaimer: I do not own the HG trilogy. I am happy I don't, because I would have never made it as good as it is.
Warning: I sort of got a hand gesture Portia makes to Peeta based off of Cinna's "twirl for me" thing. So if you see the resemblance, you know I got it from that.
This story starts in Peeta's Pov right where we left off.
I stare at Katniss' unmoving, cold body. The sight disgusted me. Her blood is everywhere from the ground to her body and mine.
I am crying. I have never cried this loud, this much, ever. Nobody will ever know as much pain as I do right now.
It hurts to have your heart and soul ripped from your body. It really does. It is the most unbearable pain you can imagine. I can endure my leg being sliced open. Heck, I would take that pain times a thousand and it will not be even close to the pain I have now.
A hovercraft is above me, with a ladder hanging down from it for me to climb. But climbing it means leaving Katniss, and I will never leave Katniss. Never.
I look around the field. The field where Katniss Everdeen took her last breath. I see Katniss' hand lying across the field and I am taken with a whole lot more of sobs.
Finally, I see a shadow come down the ladder and grab me. I am too weak to argue. Instead, I let the muscular man lift me (with Katniss in my arms) onto the ladder where I am frozen, and the ride up seems like ages.
When we finally get up, I drop to the floor and cuddle Katniss close to me. I bury my face in her blood soaked hair and cry.
I don't think the tears will ever stop.
I feel somebody trying to pry Katniss away from me. "Don't touch her!" I scream to the idiot doctor in front of me. He backs away slowly with his arms up in surrender. What a coward. He can stand for these horrific games where 23 people die every year, yet he can't stand me yelling at him.
The same muscular guy that put me on the ladder comes slowly towards me with his fist raised, silently warning me that I better not do anything. I don't care though. I scream at the top of my lungs and cry out when he touches my arm to pry Katniss away.
There are now about five big bulky guards trying to get Katniss away from me. I scream, thrash, cry, but nothing will make them stop. Two of them pin my arms and feet to the ground while the other ones take Katniss away. I am a wreck, but I don't care. Let them think I am a lunatic. I want them to know that they did this to me. They were the ones who took Katniss away from me. It wasn't Enobaria. She would not have killed Katniss if the Capitol had there stupid idea of the Hunger Games.
I see the doctor who I yelled at come towards me with a needle. Sure, let them sedate me. I am okay with that. I hope I will die in that sedation. That way I will never have to live another minute without Katniss.
When I come to, I am confused. Where am I? I look around and see I am in the same place I was when I woke up after they amputated my leg after the 74th Hunger Games. Why am I here? Why aren't I in District 12? Then it comes back to me. The 75th Hunger Games announcement where remaining victors are to go into the games. Volunteering to go in the arena instead of Haymitch, to make sure Katniss doesn't die in there. And the last thing that comes to me is Katniss. Katniss swimming around in the water. Giving Katniss that pearl I found in the clam. That last night. The night where Katniss died willingly, without defending herself, to save me.
That brings tears to my eyes. I cry and cry and I didn't even know the body could produce this much tears.
A doctor comes in and sedates me once again, and I soon drift off into total blackness.
I think I like it better asleep. Whenever I am awake, it is pure torture. The memories come back, along with another round of tears.
I don't know how long I stay there. Hours, Days, Months, Years. I don't know and I don't care. All I can think of is the agony that is my life.
After a while of the same routine of waking up, crying, being sedated, something happens. I get a visitor. His name is Haymitch Abernathy.
"Snap out of the crying phase. It's starting to get old." He says getting right to the point.
I look up at him. I haven't talked for so long I don't think I can. I try to though. Nothing comes out of my mouth. If this was to happen a couple of months ago, I would have been freaking out. Now, I am fine with it. All it means is that I don't have to talk to anybody.
"You can't talk? You honestly cannot talk because she died!" his outburst causes me to flinch and curl myself into a ball. I can't help it, I have been in complete silence until now and Haymitch screaming does not help. "Peeta listen" he says with a more calm tone. "You have to get out of this little depressed state your in. Katniss died to protect you and you are going to waste it being all depressed?" I nod. "That's the wrong answer. The right one would be something like 'No Haymitch I will try to be happier because that's what Katniss would want'". I shake my head. "Its not what she would want?" I shake my head again. "Well, what would she want then?" I am silent. I can not answer. "Well just be prepared. You have to watch the recap of the games tomorrow. Then an interview the next day" he says. My eyes must show a flash of fear, because he says lightly "Maybe you could get a quick one if you keep up the never talking angle." With that, he goes to leave the room. Before he does however, he looks at me and says "I'm doing it for you though. Just remember that" and then he is gone
Doing what? I think about anything that is wrong with what he was acting like in the room.
I remember with a jolt that he was sober. Is that what he is doing for me? Being sober? That is what I have always wanted him to do. But now I could not care less if he drank.
Haymitch can't know how hard it is for me. He did care for Katniss, I know that, but his heart was not set to hers as mine was. He didn't feel the pain of getting his heart ripped out of his body as I did.
I have to watch the recap of the games tomorrow. I am going to watch all those victors die tomorrow. I am going to have to watch Katniss die. Again.
Wasn't it bad enough I had to see her die once?
I wake up and see a doctor sitting in a chair beside me. "You are going to watch the recaps of the games today. You have to go see your stylist and get ready." And he lets me get up and leads me to a room where I am dumped and left alone.
The room is quite big. But it is not enjoyable. Nothing is enjoyable. I just curl up in a ball on the couch and wait.
It is not long until Portia comes running in the room. "Peeta" her voice is sad and sympathetic. I look at her. This is the first time I have made eye contact with anybody since… the games. I can't even stand to think about it. If I think about it, I will cry.
Too late, I have thought about it for too long. A fresh wave of tears fills up my eyes, and before I know it, they are released onto my face. "Peeta, its okay" Portia comes up to me and gives me a hug. This is the first time I have felt comfort since the games. It is a tiny bit of comfort, but it fine because I don't remember the last time I felt comfort. Well, I do, but they all involve her so I can't think about it. Not until I get out of the Capitol.
Portia tells me that I don't need the prep team, and I am grateful. I would not be able to stand all their tears as well as my own. In the mirror, I can see my body full on. It looks like I am just skin and bones. I am skinny as a twig, and I don't like the look of it. I look like somebody who is dying of starvation. All Portia does is clean off my face and puts me in a suit. I guess they put their full body polish on me while I was unconscious.
Haymitch comes in the room, once again sober. He looks at me then at Portia. "Still not talking?" he asks her. She sighs then glares at him.
"No he is not talking and you should not be talking about him like that while he is right there! You don't understand that his love for that girl was more love than I have even seen. He is heartbroken and I can see that with one glance at him!" she yells at Haymitch.
"Calm down! Calm down!" Haymitch yells. "Just asking. Anyway we better get up there. Come with me Peeta." He takes my arm and leads me down the hall.
When we get to the place where I take my interview, Haymitch says one thing before he leaves. "I care about you Peeta. I don't want you living your life in misery." Then he goes to where he has to stand when he is brought on stage.
I wait. And wait. The anxiety I feel about going on that stage is overwhelming. I can't believe this. I have never been nervous to go on stage, but now it feels as though I am going to collapse.
I am slowly lifted on the stage. I think I am going in slow motion. Everything is a huge bright light. I am hyperventilating. Deep breaths Peeta, I think to myself breathe in, breathe out.
The crowd is screaming for me. They love me. How can they love a monster like me, for murdering innocent people and letting the love of my life die? I try my best to block out the crowd. I look into the front row and see Portia, Haymitch and Effie. They all stare at me with different looks. Haymitch looks up at me with a stare that screams 'You can do it'. Effie has tears in her eyes. She can see the change in me. It occurs to me that she hasn't seen me up close since the day of the interviews before the games.
And Portia. She looks at me with sympathy, like before, but puts her thumb under her knuckle and looks at me questionably. I know the gesture. The first time I met Portia, I asked her if she could do anything different. She put her thumb under her knuckle. I tried to do it, but failed. She told me that it relaxes her. When I did my first interview, I looked at her and she did this. I knew immediately that she meant 'Stay calm. Relax.'
And now she is helping me get through this. This simple gesture helps me clear my head and walk over to Caesar. He looks at me smiles and says "Are you ready to watch the games?" I nod. "Okay then have a seat".
This is the first time I have been on stage without Katniss. That is all that comes to my head before the games start. I don't look. I can't look at the screen. I stare in the direction of the screen until it is over without watching.
Until Katniss' death. I don't know why, but I watch this part. And it makes me feel horrible. I stand there for about a minute while Enobaria is torturing Katniss. I just stand there and didn't help her at all. It makes me feel horrible. I look at myself talking gently to Katniss as she dies. And then it is over. I am still sitting here staring at the blank screen.
Caesar is trying to get me to talk. "So what do you think about your actions to save Katniss? Do you think you could save her if you didn't stand there so long?"
That was the question that made me burst. Tears leaked out of my eyes so fast and I knew there was no escape. I look around and see all cameras pointed at me, all Capitol people staring at me, and it is too much for me to stand.
So before I know it I am crashing into the ground, all my fears being lifted.
Just in case that was confusing, Peeta got so scared and anxious that he passed out right on stage.
It happens to people sometimes. When the person they love so much dies, they just hide themselves from the world. Katniss' mommy did it. She didn't talk to anyone and blocked the world out.
I have this other story called Die a Good Person. The one with more reviews on each chapter gets the faster update.
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