Chapter 2

Hank is jolted awake by loud pacing noises. Brooke shouldn't be awake she has taken a sleeping pill unless of course she is sleepwalking. Hank turns on the light. "Brooke you all right?" He asks. "I'm sorry" She says "I'm just waiting for this damn sleeping pill to kick in"

"It should have kicked in 30 minutes after you took it" Hank says,

"At least that's how it always is for me everyone's different though" But it's been something like maybe 3 and a half hours it never takes that long to kick in, if it was going to kick in it would have already kicked in. Sometimes it didn't work for him but that is because he has built up a tollerence for the drug after all her had been taking it since he was a teenager and now he is 37.

Brooke is a totally different story she has no tollerence build up whatsoever as far as perscription drugs go, her body is completely pure she should have most definintely been knocked out 30 minutes after taking the pill maybe even quicker. He worries that if her body is rejecting the Halcion it may also reject the Trintelex. If she doesn't get the black box warning side effect it is possible that she may just kill herself because she is so frustrated about the pills not working, she sure is frustrated now. Hank cannot fathom the idea of her killing herself. He knows it sounds super corny and everything but she is special to him. She is his first girlfriend. Prior to Brooke he didn't have any girlfriend or anything even close to one. He was living in his parents basement at the age of 35 spending his nights either watching old musicals or playing video games. His parents were very invested in his lack of sex life/social life so one day they ordered him a sex party and that is where he met Brooke at a party at the house turned Brothal owned by a man named Alexander Mann who was also a virgin but was going under as a pimp in order to save his house from being evicted.

during the course of the party Hank had also lost his virginity to the other two girls Brooke's BFF's Lo and Ruby who were there, but Brooke was the one who right away latched on to him and he latched on to her. He couldn't lose her. He didn't dare say that he thought the Trintelex was a terrible idea. He knew how much it meant to her. "Would you like another one of my Halcion?" he ask he doesn't really have a certain ammount he am suppose to take, what is written on the perscription is take as needed, which means if he sometimes have to take two then he can take two, if sometimes he wants to take less he can take less. "I shouldn't" She says, "They're yours" "Yeah lt's okay you can have one would you like one?" He says "Sure" She finally says.

But two sleeping pills do not work. If anything she's even more riled up. It angers her and as usual she cries on her pillow but this time it is not a silent activity. It is in fact very loud and undignified yet somehow Hank sleeps through it and she envy's him that the pills work for him. Why the hell can't they work for her why the hell does life have to be so unfair? She thinks it should have the same effect as roofilin and all the street drugs she has experimented at least the downers she has experimented with but she has no such luck. She wonders if she were to take an entire bottle or a couple handfuls would she feel any kind of effect at all?

She rolls over and stares at the clock every once in a while until she finally decides that she is sick of lying upstairs sleeping, or not sleeping rather. She feels like if she doesn't do something productive she's going to really lose it. She really wants to know that she is not alone in the world, she really wants to know that there are other people out there like her, people who have their lives together and then one day get hit by depression.

She opens her laptop, the glaring light hurt her eyes, the fact that she hasn't slept a wink of sleep is making her headache even worse. Although she has taken two sleeping pills it is probably the worst she has felt. She desprately hopes to find other people have had that problem as well but she thinks she is probably the only one in the world with that problem. Sleeping pills work for everyone else. The universe has just for some unexplainable reason singled her out.

She types in the word depression on the Google search engine and eventually finds a link that leads to a depression forum. Immidiatly she clicks on it. Maybe she will find a story just like hers. No such luck. The feature story is about a girl who was raped another story is about a guy who's grandfather died, another one is about a person who has cancer. Other people felt depressed for no reason that was definitely a thing but of course all of these people or at least pretty much all of these people have had a history of depression. She feels very much alone. None the less she decides to type in her own story. Maybe there will be someone out there who understands what she is going through. She was about to type in her name but then started to delete it. she didn't want to give away her real name even if she wasn't giving away her first and last name she still felt weird about it and somehow believed that she would feel a lot less judged if she didn't use her first name, there were a couple of people who used their real names and she thought it was very brave of them to write about the experiences. (Their much more deserving experiences she can't help thinking) She can only imagine how much braver/maybe actually quite a bit stupider a person would be to put their first and last name. She does want to get personal on this sight, just using her real name and especially using her first and last name would seem just a tiny bit too personal. She begins typing in her story anyway, or at least her sort of story She makes up a screen name for herself conveniantly enough it is the same as her codename

B'Dazzle's story (She calls it since she doesn't want to be on a first name basis on this thing) - I am a 24 year old woman, I have never suffered from depression, one day I was fine and the next day I woke up and I suddenly felt worse then I've ever felt in my entire life. I lost interest in everything and I have no sex interest which really sucks because I used to be a sex addict. It really sucks especially for my boyfriend of 2 years. The thing is there's nothing leading to the depression. I have a really good life

She deletes the whole thing. Everyone else on the forum had really big problems real problems that they have written about. They would probably just think she was being a pathetic whiner/crybaby who needed to toughen up. Besides everyone else had a story, what she had written that was barely a story, also some people knew the name B'Dazzle from her company she didn't know what she would have done if people recognized her name on some forum like that, after all she never knew maybe more of her clients then she thought went on that web sight. She had seen very many clients with depressed Aura, maybe they went on all kinds of forums. She didn't/doesn't think anyone else could relate to waking up one morning and feeling depressed for no reason. As she skims down the forum, one particular thread completely grabs her attention. One person is talking about their experience on Trintelex. The exact drug she is craving. Apparently they have been on it for four years and had had depression for 20 years. 20 years yikes. She thinks to herself. She can't stand being depressed for six months she can't possibly imaging how much more terrible 20 years of depression would be for her. Her eyes are practically glued to the screen which is quite the rare experience for Brooke these days, usually she has the attention span of a goldfish. But this is intriguing. She finds out that then one day they woke up in the middle of the night feeling this extreme feeling of bliss. Just this overwhelming happiness that they hadn't felt for years maybe even happier then ever before. They had thought that after all those years of failed perscription after failed perscription something had actually started to work for him. Then the next morning he woke up and the feeling was completely gone he was back in his same state of depression he has been in for years. Tears form at the back of her throat. As much as she really wants to cry there is something else she wants even more. She wants to reach out to this person who ever he/she/purrself or whatever gender pronoun they're using is. As she keeps reading she discovers that despite having to live 20 years with the agnoizing feelings of helplessness and hopelesness this person is still able to keep going. It amazes her. This is one really strong person. She can't help but want to respond to them. So that is exactly what she does. She sends him a message on IM she doesn't care if she get's a response or not all she cares about is reaching out.

B'Dazzle: You are really brave to put up with this all these years. How do you do it?

She knows that if it were her she wouldn't last for 20 years. She'd be fed up with taking perscription after perscription only to see it fail. If it were her she probably wouldn't be able to hold out for even a whole year, it hasn't even been a whole year and she already can't stand it. Obviously this person can't stand it either, but obviously they have enough stamina to stay alive. Oddly enough, even though she cannot see this person's face and is not in the same room with this person and really doesn't have any idea whether they are male or female she can still somehow feel this person's Aura. It is the strangest thing and it really frustrates her because their are a lot of times she cannot feel people's aura's who she sees in real life. Her face becomes wet with tears and she realizes that she is crying both for this person because they have such a hard life and told such a sad story and feels such a powerful connection to them and for herself because she is scared to death that this may become her in the future. She may suffer 20 years of failed medication. She may experience the kind of happiness the poster described only to have it disappear the next day. What a terrible disappointment that must have been. She is surprised at how quickly she get's a response. She supposes this person like her has also given up on sleep
IAMSAD: This website has actually helped me a lot. Are you a new poster? I have never seen you before. I should know I go on this site every day it's kind of become my life now after the last 20 years. I kind of know everyone, a lot of people have been really supportive but I've never seen anyone named B'Dazzle before.
B'Dazzle: Yes I'm new
IMSAD: Welcome to this forum B'Dazzle. How did you hear about this website?
B'Dazzle: Couldn't sleep, just looked up depression and came across this forum
IAMSAD: That is cool, so if you don't mind me asking. What is your story?
B'Dazzle: ?
IAMSAD: Most people who come one this website are obviously not very happy. What's wrong B'Dazzle?
Suddenly she doesn't feel self conscious about trying to explain that she is sad for no reason.
B'Dazzle: I don't really know, just one day I woke up one morning and felt really depressed I don't know why
IAMSAD: Yes. That is often times the case with depression.
B'Dazzle: I've never had depression before not in my whole 24 years of life
IAMSAD: I Know how that is B'Dazzle. I know how that is. I was in your shoes 20 years ago.
Although it doesn't make her feel any better or give her any hope, she continues on with the conversation.
B'Dazzle: Did something happen?
IAMSAD: Not at all. I was a carefree 20 year old, I had great friends a great family a great job, I didn't get it but it happened. I used to be so happy which I suppose is why I know I can be happy again, I just don't know why it is taking so long. Anyway how long has it been for you B'Dazzle
B'Dazzle: It has only been 6 months but it seems like it might as well be 20 years. I don't want to sound like a bitch or anything but how can you stand it?
IAMSAD: I can't really. What is your name?
She has totally forgotten that just earlier during the course of looking at the website she didn't feel comfortable with giving her name not even her first name. She thinks she must be delirious from the lack of sleep or maybe the sleeping pills finally have taken effect and that is why she is so out of it. Whatever the reason she finds herself doing what might be one of the stupidest things she's ever done.
B'Dazzle: Brooke
She wants to delete the whole thing but her fingers slip and it is too late she has already pressed the send button. She really wishes she didn't send the message because seconds later she get's what she thinks just may be one of the creepiest IM messages she's ever seen.
IAMSAD: I want to be your best friend Brooke. I think we could really help each other out. Do you want to be my friend? I don't really have any other friends. I did have a lot of friends but people are so shallow, they started pulling away from me. I haven't talked to my best friend in years. My family is also pretty much disgusted with me too.

Although a huge part of her finds that incredibly creepy and also a bit pathetic. From her calculations this person is 40 years old and she is 24 years old and there is the big obvious fact that they haven't met in person and the other big obvious fact that they have only "met" each other today.

IAMSAD: So will you be my friend?

It creeps her out a ton. But at the same time she hasn't felt so close to anyone in a while. Not Hank, not Lo, not Ruby not anyone at her job who she has had face to face interactions with.

B'Dazzle: Sure!
IAMSAD: You will? OMG that is so great. I finally have someone who knows almost exactly what I'm going through. Well I suppose not exactly since you've only been going through it for 6 months. I will tell you something I hate and that is when people say I'm goth. I am not goth. I'm depressed. I hate it that people think they can use the terms goth and depressed interchangably they are not the same thing.

Brooke honestly cannot relate to that. There is no way anyone could possibly mistake her for being goth. Not when she is always smiling 24:7 hell people probably wouldn't and obviously don't peg her for being depressed. She is most certainly quiet because she feels that talking takes up way too much energy, it already takes a lot out of her to put on a brave face for her friends every day. Also she doesn't really have much to say she get's all tongue tied when she does actually have something to say. She wonders if people will know she's depressed just because she is so earily quiet not just quiet but silent. Are depressed people usually quiet? It makes sense to her. She is constantly smiling and always around people however so it most likely doesn't occur to people that she is depressed and certainly not goth. She is sure this person isn't goth either. To her understanding goth is a style of dress not a condition and also to her understanding it is really just a label. She most definitely didn't dress goth. As a matter a fact if anything she probably dresses and has always dressed the opposite of goth, she was always wearing bright vibrant colors, hot pink was always her most favorite color.

B'Dazzle: Labeling sucks It sounds like you have some really bad friends.

She wouldn't be able to stand it if Lo her best friend since preschool decided to drift away from her and label her after finding out about her mood. Maybe however that was something she worried about. Maybe that was why she was keeping it a secret from her. Deep down she knew that wasn't why. She knew Lo was a very loyal friend as was Ruby she knew very well that the real reason she kept up with the facade for so long was because she thought she could fool herself out of her funk. It hadn't worked so far and now that she had broken through she doesn't feel like keeping it up any longer. Fake happiness is disgusting to her. She is now obviously willing to talk to complete strangers about her problems. She is very intrigued about IAMSAD'S last post. She knows that their is a difference between goth and depressed but she is curious to hear this person's input on the whole matter she somehow figures that he has quite a lot to say.

B'Dazzle: In your opinion what would you say the difference is between Goth and depressed? From my understanding Goth is just a style of dress it's people who dress in black and write disturbing poetry and dye their hair black

She can absolutely not fathom the idea of dying her hair black, she can't really fathom the idea of dying her hair any other color. Once a blonde always a blonde and Blonde has always fit her personality, she doesn't think dying her hair black would really fit her new personality. She is sadder and quieter but she will not be dying her hair. Also to her knowledge she is too old to be goth, she is 24 years old for god's sake, she is not in high school any more and when she was in high school she most certainly wasn't goth as a matter a fact she was really popular, the third most popular girl, so why would she start becoming goth at the age of 24? What would be the point? On the other hand why on earth would she just start becoming depressed at the age of 24 either? Also what's the point? What is the point of anything? Now the only thing that has any point to it is this forum. What has her life come to. She continues to put thought into their conversation. This IAMSAD person is 40 years old, if she's too old to be goth then this person is way to old to be goth. From her understanding goth is really just a phase and what IAMSAD is going through is more than just a phase

Cont: I don't want to sound judjmental or anything but you said you were 40 years old, isn't that too old to be goth? I always thought it was just kind of a phase highschoolers went through a kind of life sucks phase, most of them outgrow it by the time they graduate from highschool I got that impression. IMO I don't think Goth's are neccessarily always depressed I mean sure they can be but I think a lot of times they are just putting on an act to be cool because in high school it is just cool to hate your life. On the other side of the argument depressed people aren't neccessarily always goth. Not at all for that matter I think your friends are very judgmental. I hope that I am not coming across as judgmental though.

She waits a while she knows this message is going to be really long to answer.

IAMSAD is pending The message reads. She continues staring at the screen, she has never been so eager to get an IM in a really long time.

IMSAD: Goth isn't always about the way you dress, it's also about the way you think. I think if you always shoving your depression down people's throat and are super invested in your depression and it's all you think about and you go on these websites and make them your life then maybe that would put you in the classification of a goth at least according to my friends.

For god's sake no wonder their friend's aren't putting up with them, if all they've been talking about for the past 20 years streight was how depressed they are. She was sure IAMSAD's Friends used to be perfectly nice people but she guesses their was just so much they could stand of that for 20 years. Brooke swears to herself that no matter how bad it get's she will never do that to her friends but on the other hand who wouldn't be completely frustrated in that person's situation? She is also very determinded that she is not going to be depressed for 20 years. No matter how hard she would try no matter how hard of work it was, she was going to make sure that didn't happen. She reads through IAMSAD's message again and again, she doesn't care about the splitting headache she can't look away. They had mentioned going on depression forums and making them into their life and that being a factor to why they would be considered goth. Brooke is on that very same forum right now at this very moment and she is fascinated by it and she knows that if she is not careful it is going to start becoming her life. By that definition she is a goth.
B'Dazzle: I think I'm well on my way to being Goth too, this forum is just really compelling to me
IAMSAD: I think another big difference is that (At least according to my dumb friends) I don't want to get better, apparently I like being depressed. I DO NOT. I collect self help books and everything but god damnit don't they know anything it's because I'm interested in getting BETTER not that I'm interested in feeling bad. None of these self help books work, also I have seen several different therapists in the the last 20 years some of them quit on me, some of them I quit on because I just didn't agree with their approaches in fact I still haven't found an approach that suits me. Also I have never been one to hold in my feelings. I have been screaming for help from day one. So where the hell is everyone. I hate to be judgmental but I think holding your feelings in would be just about one of the worst things you could possibly do.

They did hurt someone's feelings god damnit, they hurt her feelings. From what he had been saying screaming out for help didn't really sound like it was all that and a bag of chips either. As a matter a fact it is very clear that it is not working since it has pushed all of his friends and family away. She really wants to respond and tell that person off but she doesn't want to pick a fight, not when this person is so darn pathetic that she is litterally the only person they can scream out to with being heard. She takes a different approach.
B'Dazzle: Have you ever tried hiding your feelings?
IAMSAD: Never
She is itching to ask him how the fuck he knows it's such a bad thing then, how could he possibly know if he's never done it, but she feels so sorry for the person and she feel's the strong Aura come back and she wants to reach out and help the person and she knows that if she argues with this person she will be pushing them away the same way everyone else and their lives has been.
B'Dazzle: It sucks fake happiness is one of the worst feelings ever, I thought if I pretended to be happy, if I pretended it wasn't there if I ignored it then maybe it would just go away. What a stupid thing to think.
IAMSAD: I guess I was just the opposite, I thought if I talked about it 24:7 it would just go away. I guess I'm stupid too.
B'Dazzle: LOL! I guess it's kind of hard for me to talk about my feelings, I'm just kind of a private person in general, I don't really talk that much.
IAMSAD: Well it seems like you're saying quite a lot right now
B'Dazzle: This is actually a lot more then I talk usually

She is about to ask the person what their name is when she is interupted. "So" Hank says, "The sleeping pills didn't work?" "Omigod!" She cries. "You just about gave me four seperate heart attacks" She really is that surprised to see him awake she has been so engrossed in her IM with IAMSAD that she has forgotten to check what time it is, the clock on her computer reads 10:00 AM has she really been awake for 13 hours on the computer