Some Kind Of Maddness

Chapter Two: The Best Part Of Believe Is The 'Lie'

Disclaimer: Don't own it. If I did it would be one pretty effed up show.

Warning: Mature themes. Cursing (both kinds). Possible magic gone awry. Trippy ass shit.

A/N: Errmehgeshh! What a response. Thanks for all the feedback, guys. To MayhemPrincess: I don't actually have an actor in mind so feel free to imagine any one you like. This chapter is kind of idk. This fic was never meant to be all that serious. The Swan Queen is going to take a hot minute but for now we enjoy them playfully antagonizing one another.

"That," Ruby's gaze never left the handsome dark haired man sitting across the diner. "Is Henry's father?"

Ruby really didn't see a point in hiding the fact that her eyes were doing very naughty things to the fine ass hunk of man. Emma's eyes narrowed, face scrunched in something like jealousy. The blonde hadn't been prepared for the way people were reacting to Regina's cursed form. Hadn't been prepared for the way they were blatantly checking him out. She especially hadn't been prepared for the confusing way it made her feel. And when Emma Swan was confused about how she felt, she usually wanted to punch something. Mostly, at that particular moment, she wanted to punch someone and that someone? That someone was the shamelessly salivating waitress in front of her.

As if sensing the emotions radiating off of Emma in hostile waves, Ruby snapped her gaze away. Fixing Emma with a sheepish grin. "Sorry, Em. He's, like, really hot. Really hot. I mean, damn, that is Henry's father?"

Emma nodded tersely, forcing a smile. "Yep. That's... yeah."

"How did he find you? Or did you find him? How is he in Storybrooke at all?" Ruby leaned in closer, whispering almost conspiratorially. "Snow said you told Henry his father was dead."

"I did." She prepared herself to prattle off answers to the questions she'd been mentally preparing herself for. The subject of Henry's father was still a sore one for Emma. She was young and so very in love with a man she believed loved her back just as deeply. When he betrayed her, set her up to take the fall for his petty crime, she realized how stupid she'd been. Realized how much of a lie her perfect romance actually was. The thought of it left her bitter. Caused both heartache and anger to flicker in her green eyes. To coat her words with venom. "We didn't exactly end on good terms."

Ruby was taken aback by the tone of the other woman's voice. By the emotions lacing her words and swimming in her hard stare. Everything about Emma's reaction to her line of questioning had her coming to a single conclusion. "Is that why he's here? Is he trying to win you back?"

Emma blinked numbly in shock. She couldn't think past the big flashing WHAT crashing through her brain.

"I'm right." Ruby looked far too pleased with herself for Emma's tastes. "That's why he's here. He still has feelings for you." The expression across the blonde's flushed features had Ruby's pleased grin turning down right wolfish. "And you still have feelings for him."

"I don't have feelings for..." Emma tossed a confused glance over her shoulder at Regina. Her features softening when she found Regina smiling the same adoring smile she always reserved for their son. Even with the woman cursed to look like a man, the smile still had a pang of something bubbling beneath Emma's chest. Some strange affection for her son's adoptive mother that she'd never been able to put a name to. It didn't mean she had feelings, romantic feelings, for Regina. She was merely grateful, right? Yeah. That was it. She was grateful to Regina for having raised Henry the way Emma was unable to. She was grateful her son grew up in a nice home with a loving mother who gave him everything he ever wanted or needed.

Ruby took notice of the blonde's love struck stare. She watched avidly as Emma gazed at the father of her son like a smitten teenager. As far as she was concerned, Emma could deny it all she liked, Ruby knew what someone in love looked like. She knew what they acted like and she especially new what denying that kind of love looked like. Her best friend was Snow White for heaven sakes. "Emma, that man is gorgeous and it seems like he and Henry are bonding pretty well. Pair that with how you're obviously still in love with the guy and-"

"Ruby." She snapped her attention back to the brunette. "I'm not in love with him and he isn't here to win me back so can we please just drop it?"

Granny harrumphed from a few feet away, turning her attention away from the cash register to settle Emma with a look. A look that simply said 'who do you think you're fooling'. "I haven't seen two people making eyes at each other the way you and your honey are since I saw your parents this morning."

"We haven't been," Emma tossed a glance over her shoulder at Regina who stared right back at her. A terse, obviously fake (to Emma anyway) smile spread across her lips. She ignored how that smile seemed to enhance her handsome features. Ignored it and forced herself to turn back to Granny and Ruby. Only mildly annoyed when she found Ruby leaning with her elbows propped on the counter, chin cradled by her hands, and a faraway dreamy expression on her face. "Making eyes at each other. If anyone is making eyes its Ruby here."

Ruby blinked herself out of her daze, a grin taking her lips. "Hey, if you insist he isn't off limits..."

"Re... He..." Emma cursed herself for her almost slip. The last thing she needed was Ruby flirting with an unsuspecting Regina and causing her to blow up Granny's Diner. All she could do to remedy this totally fucked up situation was play along. If Ruby thought Regina wanted all up on Emma... Well, that wouldn't be so bad right? Wait, what was she getting at? Oh, right. She needed to sell the whole Regina being Henry's father thing. "He is off limits."

Before Ruby could respond, with some teasing comment no doubt, Emma felt a presence behind her. Felt a firm hand pressing into her lower back and a solid figure suddenly standing next to her. Much closer than Emma was comfortable with.

"Is everything alright," Regina hadn't trusted Emma not to blow their cover. So with the length in which Emma had been absent from their table, Regina naturally assumed the blonde's idiocy was inching them closer to discovery. She fought to keep her practiced smile across her face as she stared down at Emma. Fought to keep some semblance of affection in her tone as she uttered the blonde's name. "Emma?"

Emma could see the dangerous gleam in Regina's dark eyes. She could practically feel the annoyance radiating off of her. And even though the brunette attempted to conceal the vicious note to her smooth, deep voice Emma could hear every sharpened word. She knew Regina was only making sure she hadn't inadvertently spilled the beans. She knew Regina didn't trust her in the slightest to keep a secret, something the brunette thought Emma had inherited from her mother. It ticked her off. Angered her to no foreseeable end that Regina thought so little of her. But the situation called for Emma to keep her reaction in check. To hide the sneer tugging at her lips with a smile. Her blazing emerald eyes, however, conveyed to Regina how the blonde really felt.

Ruby and Granny seemed to be witnessing an entirely different exchange between Emma and the handsome dark haired man. If you asked either of them, the two looked like long lost lovers gazing longingly into one another's eyes. The world slipping away from them as they stared. Ruby almost sighed at the romanticism of it all. In reality Emma and Regina were glaring their usual daggers at one another. Regina communicating with her gaze that she wanted to leave the damnable establishment. She could feel people staring at her cursed appearance from the moment she stepped foot in the diner. It didn't slip any of the patrons' notice that she'd entered with Emma Swan and Henry. All of the not so subtle staring and whispers were putting her on edge. Regina's gaze flickered briefly to Ruby and Granny, her stomach turning to lead when she found both women appreciating her manly assets a little too thoroughly. So help her, if either of them even attempted to engage her she swore she would end this little charade by setting them aflame.

"Everything is fine, Re..." A brief flutter of panic overtook Emma. She couldn't very well call Regina by her name and they hadn't discussed it. She didn't want to address Regina by her ex's name because that would just further cross the border of weird they'd stepped over. They really should've planned this whole operation a lot better. "...ichard." She spared a glance at Ruby and Granny to determine if they caught her slip. She was met with Granny eyeing Regina's backside while Ruby zeroed in on a much naughtier area. Emma cleared her throat at the sight. Subconsciously moving closer to Regina's side, forcing the brunette's hand to slip from her lower back and circle around her waist. Essentially making them look like a total couple and causing Ruby to shoot a knowing grin in Emma's direction. "Well, Richard and I should get back to Henry."

Regina resisted the immense urge to make a face at the name Emma had bestowed upon her. Instead upping her fake pleasant smile to a fake charming smile. Not at all oblivious to the way the waitress and her grandmother looked closed to swooning at the action. She made a metal note of it and stowed it away as possible ammunition to be used later. "Yes, Emma and I have much to discuss with... our son."

Emma paled at the words, unable to reign in her shudder. Yep. Their situation made it sound way weirder than it already was. "Henry is our son."

Regina, Granny, and Ruby gave the blonde strange looks. Regina assumed Emma was suffering from some sort of mental deficiency, a genetic one no doubt. She would have to get Henry checked. Ruby assumed it had to do with how snuggled up the two lovebirds before her were. Granny only wondered what in the world Emma was doing standing there and talking to them when she could take her delicious piece of man to her love den and work on making a few more Henrys.

"It was lovely to meet you, ladies." Regina flashed them another charming smile, laying it on a little thicker. Okay, maybe it was just a mite entertaining to watch people who detested her now swooning over her. When she was sure she'd reduced them to jelly she steered Emma back to their booth.

Half way to their destination, Regina leaned closer to Emma. Close enough to hiss viciously in the blonde's ear. "Richard? Really, Miss Swan?"

Emma turned to look Regina in the eyes, her soft smile not matching her jeering tone. "You seem like a Dick to me."

"Honestly, my dear." Regina growled back, mirroring Emma's soft smile. "Your obsession with male genitalia is very disconcerting."

Emma couldn't hold back her flush of both embarrassment and irritation. "Remind me again why we're doing this. How did I end up agreeing to help you in the first place?"

"Ma!" Henry beamed up at her before turning to Regina with an equal amount of enthusiasm. "Dad! Guess what."

They both stared resolutely at one another. They were putting themselves through the torture of the charade for Henry. For their son. They simultaneously reasoned that it was worth it. They would only have to continue on for a little while until Regina could find a way to reverse the curse. None of the residents of Storybrooke would ever have to find out about the little mishap. Well, everyone except the person who cursed her. Regina was going to let that unfortunate soul know exactly how she felt about their little prank.

After lunch at Granny's they found themselves standing in front of the door to Mary Margaret's apartment. Emma with a darkening scowl on her face and Regina with a devious grin. Henry only spared them both happy smiles before proceeding to knock.

"Last chance to poof yourself back to the car, Regina." Emma hissed at the all too delighted looking brunette.

"And miss meeting your parents, Emma?" She feigned shock, the wicked gleam in her eyes giving away her cruel intentions. "I would never miss such an important step in our relationship."

"Listen," Emma glared, nostrils flaring. "I know you're upset about what happened at Granny's but we can't take Henry with us to see Gold and my parents-"

"Emma!" Charming opened the door with a wide, charming (Regina preferred idiotic) smile encompassing half his face. "Henry, my boy!" He scooped his grandson into a hug. When his gaze settled upon the unfamiliar man standing next to his blushing daughter he squinted his eyes. Trying to place the man. He looked familiar yet not all at once. "I see you've brought a... friend?"

Regina fixed Emma with a bright smile, the dark gleam in her eyes betraying her seemingly pleasant demeanor. She turned her attention back to the stupidly squinting Prince Charming and offered her hand to shake. "Richard Johnson. "

Emma subdued her ginormous urge to scream at the brunette. She caught the oh so subtle jab and settled for a sneaky (not so sneaky) glare. As Charming took a hold of the other man's hand he shifted his gaze to Emma, questioning brow lifted. Emma answered the unspoken 'does he know?' twinkling in her father's blue eyes with a reassuring nod.

"Nice to meet you, Richard. I don't think I've seen you around Storybrooke before."

"He isn't from Storybrooke!" All three adults were surprised by the volume of Henry's voice. Emma and David were even more startled by Henry's equally loud proclamation. "He's my dad!"

Regina only grinned. Patting her son on the shoulder for a job well done.

"Y-You're Henry's..." David sized the man up. Taking in his admittedly attractive features, strong physique, and almost commanding presence. The man reminded him of someone, someone he couldn't quite put his finger on. He also seemed to be nothing like anyone Charming thought his baby girl would be interested in. The guy's posture, his clothing, his dazzlingly white smile screamed wealth. The man before him did not seem like a firefighter with a heart of gold that... hold up. "I thought you were dead?"

"Quite the contrary." Regina put on a wounded yet understanding frown. "It seems my and Emma's parting hurt her far deeper than I imagined. It was only recently that I discovered our son's existence and truthfully," She knew exactly what to say to win this imbecile over. So she flicked a hopelessly hopeful stare at Emma, putting as much puke worthy 'I'm so in love with you' vibes into her actions and tone as possible. "I never stopped loving or searching for Emma."

Charming's reaction was laughable. To Regina anyway. Emma looked about ready to throttle the brunette. The blond haired man looked near tears and was sporting the sappiest smile in ever. Regina briefly wondered if this dolt of a man was where Snow learned that damnable expression. His voice was rough with emotion as he settled Regina with an approving gaze. "True Love is a powerful thing, Rich."

Emma blanched at the ease in which Charming gave Richard fucking Johnson, a totally fake made up person that was really the Evil fucking Queen, a nickname. "Who said anything about True Love!"

Both Charming and Richard gaped at the woman, shocked and wounded. While Charming's reaction was genuine, Regina was so milking the situation. "He found you, Emma!"

"It's alright, David." Regina patted the blond man on the shoulder. A somber expression slipping across her face. Brown eyes soft and wounded and so very heartbroken. "I understand Emma's reaction to the notion. Though I will always love her and I completely respect her feelings on the matter, I will not give up hope that one day I will be lucky enough to have this amazing woman love me in return."

To Emma's immense befuddlement her father shot a petulant frown in her direction. A frown that simply said 'how could you' before he was nodding understandingly at Richard. Before he was giving the dark haired man a comforting smile and leading him into the apartment. Clapping him on the back and initiating brief side hug like they were suddenly bros. "You're a good man, Rich."

She scowled when she caught the tail end of Charming's reassuring words to Richard. "Emma can be stubborn, she gets that from her mother, but she'll come around."

Encouraged by the holes she could feel Emma burning into the back of her head, Regina etched another lovelorn half smile across her face. "I appreciate your sentiments, David."

"Never let go of your hope." David whispered in a hushed tone that wasn't really hushed since the volume control button on the man's voice did not exist. "I'm sure I'll be calling you my son in law soon enough."

The heat of Emma's glare was reaching nuclear levels. Regina was sure the blonde would explode any minute now and give everything away. She wanted the enraged blonde to blow their cover. She wanted Charming to realize who he was actually speaking to. She welcomed the chaos that would surely follow.

"Who was at the door, honey?" Snow stepped around the kitchen island with a bright smile and two cups of cocoa in her hands. When she looked up to find their unexpected guest her grip on the mugs slackened. Causing them to fall and shatter across the floor. Snow White stared, wide eyed and captivated, at the handsome dark haired man standing in her living room. She watched his pleasant smile shift into a grin and felt her knees go a bit weak. Immediately cursing the traitor reaction to this stranger. Her knees were only supposed to go weak for Charming damn it. Her husband! Not some sexy stranger that she felt a more than physical attraction to. There was just something about the man that was so familiar and… comforting? Alluring? Infuriating? Something about the stranger sent a raging storm of emotions swirling inside of her. Not all of them necessarily pleasant.

Regina took in Snow's reaction. Noticed the confusion, intrigue, and lust swimming in her eyes. She wanted to chuckle, to laugh maniacally at the priceless opportunity she'd been presented with. Snow White was attracted to her in her current form. Prince Charming was smitten with her. And Emma, she spotted the blonde from the corner of her eyes, Emma was down right furious. So Regina moved forward, reaching Snow and offering her hand in the same way she did Charming. "Richard Johnson."

Snow took the hand as if in a fog. Her cheeks tinted pink when Richard brought her hand to his surprisingly soft lips. Pressed a gentle kiss to it and stared up at her through thick dark lashes. Was she imagining how sultry his stare appeared to be? She felt her heart flutter excitedly and her blood boil with fury. The contradicting sensations had Snow's head spinning. "I... nice to meet you?"

When Regina didn't let go of Snow's hand right away, and the flush across her mother's cheeks worsened, Emma marched on over to them. She forcefully pulled Regina away. Giving the brunette a hard glare before plastering a terse smile across her lips "Richard and I have a lot to talk about and I was wondering if you could watch Henry for a while?"

"Of course." Charming grinned widely and all but shoved them toward the door. "You guys talk. Who knows? Maybe you'll rekindle things."

Emma didn't miss the wink her father threw at Regina. Oh god, she felt sick. Her father was all team Richard and her mother... Emma shuddered. She was glad they didn't know Richard was really Regina. An all out war would have broken out if Snow White knew the handsome man she'd been blushing over was her mortal enemy. If Charming knew he'd been rooting for his daughter and the formally (Emma was starting to question Regina's supposed reform) Evil Queen.

Once the front door to the apartment was unceremoniously shut behind their backs, Emma whirled on Regina. "What the hell was that? Richard Johnson? Seriously?"

"I thought you would get a kick out of it, dear. Since you seem to be quite fixated on-"

Emma swatted at Regina's arm. Green eyes blazing.

"Ow!" Dark brows furrowed and she rubbed at her stinging bicep. A half deadly scowl, half adorable pout on her face. "What is your obsession with hitting me, you brute?"

"If you weren't such a little prick I-"

Regina flicked Emma's forehead, her frown turning upside down.

"Did you really just flick me?" The blonde was somewhere between a glare and complete bewilderment. When the expression shifted into a vicious grin, Regina knew she wasn't going to like Emma's next few words. "Don't you know its wrong to hit girls."

The look of rage and extreme indignation upon Regina's face was more than enough to make up for the horror of watching the brunette mess with her parents.