"Okay class, today we have a new student, isn't that nice Mr Hat?", came the low drawl from my new teacher for the following year or so. The old man had a glazed look in his eyes as he stared intensely into the button eyes of a ragged puppet. He was gripping on to said puppet, as if it were to run away if he were to let it go.
"That's right Mr Hat!", the teacher agreed as he whispered into the puppets cheek.
"Can- Can I sit down now?", I asked quietly, unsure on how to interact with a teacher who I wasn't entirely sure was completely sane. The teacher turned to face me with his eyebrows lowered into a quizzical glare-like feature, before rolling his eyes and responding in a tone that suggested he already didn't like me very much.
"Fine. It's Mr Garrison by the way", he monotoned before turning on the spot to face the chalkboard. "Okay children, today we're going to be talking about Tyra Banks and why it's hypocritical for her to be hosting a model tv show". Questions raced through my head when I noted what he had said was today's lesson pan, but I decided it would probably be best if I kept my mouth shut whilst I sat in the only available seat.
"Hey there good fellow", spoke a blond kid in an English accent. I was unsure whether this kid had moved into town recently like me and all the other immigrants that had found South Park a suitable place to stay or not, but either way it was relieving to not be the only foreigner in the class. "I'm Phillip", he continued as he held his hand out for me to shake. I nodded and introduced myself, instantly noting the boy's face light up when he picks up on my accent. "You have a British accent also! How jolly good! We can be friends". I raised an eyebrow at his overly dramatic English accent, but nodded along.
"Yeah sure thing-".
"Not another Pip goddammit!", snorted a rather large boy from behind me. I turned to face him, a questioning glare engraved on my face. He took in my glare with indifference.
"What… What is a Pip?", I asked, curiosity obviously getting the better of me.
"Hello", Philip waved again, "I'm Pip. That's a nickname these guys have given me". The fat boy rolled his eyes at Pip's behaviour and mumbled the word faggot under his breath. Pip clearly heard this as his smile faltered a little, but he tried to remain as unaffected by the insult as he could. Noticing that his derogatory term hadn't really affect Pip, the fat boy turned his attention to me, a look of disinterest plastered across his bulbous face.
"Well I'm not Pip", I stated, feeling a bit dumb that I had to specify this, "My name's Nathan…" By the look on the fat boy's face I could tell he really wasn't that interested in getting to know me, but if I wanted to make friends around here I guess I'd have to try harder than just telling people my name. "What's your name then mate?".
"Eric. Eric Cartman. But you don't need to know that because I don't associate myself with French People", he spat. A few girls and boys scattered around the class snickered at his remark whilst Pip turned to face the front, his face turning crimson as he uttered various curses to himself.
"I'm not French", I retorted snobbishly as I took of my burgundy beanie hat to remove the traces of snow from outside that I could feel melting on my head. When we had moved to this town, the only warning my dad had given me, was that there was usually a bit of snow on the ground, due to it being fairly high up in the mountains. I honestly hadn't expected the snow to be as extreme as it turned out to be.
Eric laughed muskily, slapping his hand off his desk violently while a few people sat around him looked at him curiously. "French AND Ginger! God must've hated you!", he cackled, spit spraying onto his desk in a desperate flee to escape his mouth. He gained a few laughs for that remark whilst some kids gave him the evilest of glares, but none eviller than one coming from a dark-haired girl dressed entirely in purples and pinks. I blushed furiously, entirely and completely mortified by the entire situation. To avoid any more embarrassment, I decided to turn towards the teacher while I forced my hat back onto my head.
"Just ignore him my good man", whispered Pip as he noticed my reddened state.
"Is he always like this?", I replied. My voice equally as quiet and hushed.
"Mr Garrison!", shouted Fatty McFattison from behind, using a sickeningly sweet tone.
"What Eric", sighed Mr Garrison tiredly, obviously deciding not to turn away from the chalkboard.
"Pip and Na… Nath…?", he paused in thought before continuing, "the new kid keep talking, an-and it's distracting me".
Again, deciding not to turn away from the board, Mr Garrison responded. "Boys, quieten down or I'll have to move the one of you". Pip made a defeated expression whilst I turned to glare at Eric. He smiled falsely to the back of the teacher's head before turning to face me.
"I thought I told you that I don't associate myself with French people. Especially not ginger French people so turn around you fucking piece of crap", he spat viciously, his eyes glistening a menacing red.
"By the looks of it, the only thing you associate yourself with, is pie you fat fuck", I spat back venomously. Eric's face contorted into a mixture of disbelief and anger as kids laughter serenaded the situation. Even Pip snickered under his breath quietly, obviously happy that someone had finally stuck up to the egotistical schmuck sat behind him.
"That was good kid", snickered a boy through his one hand, whilst he used the other to manoeuvre his green ushanka hat more comfortably on his head.
"Hey Jew! I will kick you square in the nuts!", Eric snapped, simultaneously flipping the boy off. Before I could be brought back into the argument I turned my head to face the front. Happy, that for the meanwhile I was going to be left along and could focus on some actual school work…
"…and that children, is why people class this show as shitty. Now, let's discuss the fact that several countries have even copied and made their own versions of the show, and talk about which dunderhead is to blame for airing such a terrible show worldwide.
…On second thoughts, I think I'll choose to pay attention to the argument that was quickly beginning to become a bit more heated. A boy wearing a blue and red-bobbled hat was now engrossed in the conflict which seemed to be drastically increasing in size, enveloping people into the chaos.
"Stan, would you be quiet because you're distracting me", whimpered Eric in a high-pitched whiny tone.
"Shut up Cartman!", growled the 'Jew' as he positioned himself more comfortably on his seat.
"Sticking up for your girlfriend again Kyle", joked Eric maliciously. As this was said, a blonde boy in a light blue shirt stood up from the desk to the right of mine.
"C'mon guys, we- we can all just let this go and be friends again, huh?", he questioned whilst nervously rubbing his knuckles together.
"Shut up Butters", sighed another boy who was sporting a blue chullo-hat. He lifted his head to inspect Butters before lazily retiring his head back to the top of his desk. This earned a few snickers from a brunette boy sat next to chullo-hat boy.
"Yeah Butters! Listen to Craig you dildo", he laughed to himself, causing his reddish coat to crinkle and crease. 'Butters' frowned sadly as he reluctantly sat back down in his chair.
"Don't be so rude to Butters you assmaster!", threatened a blonde girl, who had obviously noticed how upset Butters was becoming. Even though it didn't cheer him up completely, knowing that someone was defending helped Butters spirits rise a little. However, before he could thank the girl, he was cut off.
"What you going to do now Clyde? Little miss lesbian just called you assmaster", chuckled Eric menacingly as he stared directly into 'little miss lesbians' eyes, purposely trying to intimidate her. It was obvious that Eric was enjoying this argument, a little too much.
"Don't call Bebe a lesbian you fat cunt", the dark haired girl adorned in pinks and purples hissed.
"Yeah Cartman, I'm dating Bebe", Clyde acknowledged, quite confused.
"Not anymore, you're not", the blonde snapped as she crossed her arms and turned away. Instantly you could see the tears forming in Clyde's eyes, quite clearly upset at the idea of being broken up.
"Well- Well… I was voted the hottest boy in this class, so I'll easily find someone even better than you!", he spat as he turned to face the front angrily.
"Wasn't that list proven to be fake?", Craig added nonchalantly. I wasn't sure whether Craig knew that would upset Clyde more, because his statement seemed to have that affect.
"Craig!", a dark-skinned boy sighed angrily as he patted Clyde on the back sympathetically.
"Hah I knew it! I bet I was at the top of the list wasn't I Wendy!", Cartman heckled, purposely trying to wind up the dark haired girl.
"You wish fat-boy, I've saw dog turds that look better than you", she snapped back.
"Ayy! Stan control your bitch. Put her on a lead or something!", Cartman ordered as he turned to Stan. Said boy rolled his eyes and quickly told Cartman to fuck off.
"Fella's, don- don't you think this is getting a little out of hand now?", Butters interjected nervously, as he fiddled with his hands once more.
"Butters, for god sake shut your god damn hippie mouth", Cartman snapped, before turning to Wendy to call her a spoilt whore.
The arguing seemed to amplify, totally unnoticed by Mr Garrison who was currently drawing some crude drawings onto his chalk board.
"Am I in Hell?", I whispered to myself exasperatedly, as the other children continued to argue amongst themselves. I half expected a camera crew to burst into the classroom, telling me that this was all a hoax and that no school could be this crazy. They'd congratulate me on working out that no, teachers don't really do lessons on shitty reality television shows, and no, kids aren't allowed to shout 'Shut up, you big black asshole' at the top of their voices without being noticed by their teacher. The crew would then throw some celebration or something, like a party and then I'd be able to go to an actual school and learn something useful… Now that…
"That would be awesome…", I sighed to myself, obviously letting my imagination run away me.
"W-What would be awesome?", Butters asked as he looked at me curiously. Instantly I felt myself blush at being caught talking out loud to myself.
"Oh- Err- Nothing. Sorry… Was just thinking to myself", I mumbled, as I moved uneasily on my seat.
"Heh heh", the blond boy chuckled, clearly finding my nervous disposition funny. I was about to scowl at him until he continued talking. "So you're the new kid huh?", he asked, with a tone very contrasting compared to the behemoth argument that was still occurring around us. How the teacher had still not noticed this monster of an argument by now was beyond me.
"Err… yeah. My mom, my dad and me moved into one of the small brown houses about five minutes away", I replied grinning.
"Don't ya' have any brothers or sisters?", he asked with what seemed to be genuine curiousity. Maybe 'Butters' wasn't as bad a person compared to some of the other people in this class. Realising I still hadn't answered him, I hurried myself to think of an answer.
"Erm. No, what about you?".
"Nah", he sighed with a sad expression. I twiddled my thumbs waiting for him to continue. "What's your name then fella?", he asked.
"Nathan", I answered smiling. I was actually beginning to make my first new friend in this quaint little mountain town. Pip probably would've been my first proper friend here if fatso hadn't poked his nose where it wasn't wanted. I'll just have to get to know Pip at break time or something.
"What's your name then anyways?", I questioned in return, "Or is Butters your actual name?".
"Nah, my n-name is Leopold Stotch", he replied while messing with his hands once more. "People call me Butters because it sounds like Buttersco-".
"I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU KYLE YOU JEW PIECE OF CRAP!". With that, me and Butters twisted on our seats to face Eric, matching shocked expressions on both of our faces… On everyone's faces… On Mr Garrison's face…