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And, no, I will not be posting a chapter every day, but I will post often, so watch your emails!

But is there someplace far away

Someplace where all is clear

Easy to start over

With the ones you hold so dear

Or are you left to wonder

All alone eternally

This isn't how it's really meant to be

No this isn't how it's really meant to be

Always On Your Side

-Sheryl Crow

RENESMEE CULLEN

The forest zoomed past me at amazing speed, the trees twisting in every direction, creating the most beautiful tunnel of deep green and burnt orange leaves, the colors swirling and mixing with the light blue sky. The sun was out today, the white-bright rays of light streaming through the trees in an artistic way, making the brush beneath my speeding feet a bright green. I stopped when I was at the end of the tunnel, and there Jake was. He was standing there, his beautiful face bright and cheerful as ever, and I knew in my mind what I was going to say next.

No! No! I can't say that, I thought, and tried to come up with some other thing to say.

But I had no control over my actions. My depression had driven me to the end. The end of the tunnel. I had no place left to go. I definitely couldn't go back. I had to say it. Say the words that would drive him away. He deserved much better than me, but I still hoped – hoped until my heart hurt – that he would feel the same way about me.

"I love you," I said. The three simple words that could end my life.

He glared at me, and my stomach sunk to the ground with a feeling of rejection and heartbreak so strong I all but collapsed and sunk under the weight of it.

He opened his mouth and I memorized his face, concentrating on each detail, because surely this was goodbye. He'd stay for a few days, pack up his things, give me a cold farewell and be gone. I grasped onto those few days, and hoped that he would be able to smile at me again before he left, before everything ended, so that I could have a happy face to think of while I died. That would be it, though. I would have to die then. I'd go threaten the Volturi, or as a favor of some of my less civilized friends. If need be, I'd end myself.

I looked at him, and put a hand to my overheating face. I realized that I was sobbing uncontrollably at his hateful glare. Jake had never looked at me like that before. It hurt unbelievably badly.

I looked at him, and he shut his mouth that had been hanging open. My heart sunk again, lower this time. I'd been hoping he'd say something to me, that maybe I'd misinterpreted his look, but he continued to glare at me, even more hateful than before. I stepped towards him, my palm up, trying to show him that it was okay if he didn't feel the same way…

And then he was gone.

Like a bullet he shot down the tunnel I'd come through, running faster than I'd ever seen him before. The leaves were kicked up around me, so for a moment everything was dark. They'd made a blanket over my head, and it looked like midnight.

The leaves fell then, crumbling and being blown away, and I was suddenly freezing. I looked to see the tunnel, so I might find Jake, but it had been overgrown by trees. All of the trees were dead, colorless, and distorted in the most ugly way, their stems twisting around one another's like bars, holding me captive.

The end.

Despite the freezing temperature, my back felt uncomfortably warm, almost painfully so. I turned around, only to find that the trees behind me were on fire. The white-hot flames flickered aimlessly around the dry brush, burning it almost instantly.

And then I saw it. A shattering scream met my ears, one I recognized as my own. I walked hesitantly toward the fire, to see who was burning, and I felt like diving in, because I was sure it would be Jake.

But, to my surprise, the body was not his.

It was mine.

Ring, ring! My alarm clock rang, waking me up from my strange dream. I was lying fully dressed, having fallen asleep without changing into my nightgown. I rarely did anymore. It didn't matter. When I woke up, my heart was racing faster than usual, and I was covered in sweat. It was only when I saw my family hovering over me that I realized I'd been sobbing.

"Not sobbing, screaming is more like it," my dad said.

I froze, realizing that my father had just seen everything I had.

"Don't worry, your mother only just uncovered you," he reassured me.

They all had a hand on me, rubbing or patting me, trying to soothe me. So that's why my front had been cold in my dream.

"It's okay, just a bad dream," I murmured, out of breath.

"Jeez, kid, you scared us silly," Emmett, said with a sigh, standing up and putting his hand on Rose.

"Are you all right Renesmee? Are you feeling sick?" Carlisle asked, checking my pulse. He looked quite concerned, his skin puckering between his eyebrows, his eyes filled with pain.

"I'm fine. It was just a dream. It was just a dream," I repeated, more for my benefit than his

Jazz sent me waves of calm, and I could feel them, but they couldn't calm me in the slightest, just numbing my brain, making it difficult to think clearly.

"Jazz, I'm already sleepy enough, can you stop it?" I asked.

He nodded, but as soon as the calm stopped coming I felt even more heartbroken than before. I hadn't known that was possible.

Rose was biting her lip, as if she were trying not to cry, as was Mom. They were very worried about me, and that wasn't right. It was my choice for it to be this way. They shouldn't have to suffer for it.

"Mom… would you…" I started. I felt very bad for always having her shield me, but she assured me that it wasn't difficult for her, that if it made me more comfortable, that she'd do it all the time. She told me she was glad to do it, but I still felt awful asking.

"Of course honey," she said sweetly.

Just as mom covered me, Jacob ran into the room, gasping and panicked. I winced at the sight of him, but was glad to see something other than that glare on his face.

"I was out running and I heard Ness scream, what's going on?"

"I'm fine," I said, trying to calm him down. He was shaking like crazy, and breathing so hard I thought his lungs might burst. It was all I could do not to hope because of that, and I started to feel a little bit better with his presence.

"Okay," I said, starting to calm down a little bit. "Everybody can go now. My room isn't meant for holding this many people, and I'm calm now. Sorry. I was just really freaked out by my dream." I hated causing my family pain.

They filed out, after asking repeatedly if I was sure I was okay. I'd answer yes, but the truth was I didn't know. I mean, my dream was destined to be reality. One of these days, I'd crack and tell him the three forbidden words, and he'd most likely not feel the same way. I mean, really. I'm awkward, overemotional, and I don't have a hundredth of my parent's beauty. And he's… beyond words.

I glanced up to see that one person had stayed in my room. Jacob stood two feet away from me, his eyes full of concern. One hand reached towards me, as if he wanted to comfort me.

This. This was one of those situations where what Jacob didn't do bothered me, and led me to this conclusion. He reached out as though he was supposed to comfort me, but pulled back because he didn't want to.

"Ness, are you sure you're okay? You sounded pretty panicked," he said as he sat down next to me. I suddenly felt unusually warm.

No. No I'm not. I love you can't you see that??? Why don't you see it?

I remembered the dream, and I felt like someone was punching my stomach as he sped off in my mind, over and over and over again, like someone was pressing rewind and play repeatedly in my head, just to hurt me.

Jake's eyes narrowed at me, filled with surprise and remorse. His mouth opened, just like in the dream. I looked down, embarrassed at how he was staring at me, just to see my hand linked in his.

"No!" I yelled, standing up and yanking my hand away, tears filling my eyes. I'd been so good! I'd been so good at hiding! And there it was, the stupid mistake that would end my life. The tears in my eyes spilled over, soaking my face.

"Ness! Ness, calm down."

I didn't listen to him. I covered my face in my hands. "No! No! I can't believe I… so stupid!" I managed to get out in-between sobs.

"Renesmee Cullen, look at me," Jake said. I slightly detected his Alpha voice somewhere under all of his concern.

I moved my hands away from my face, but sat down beside him, looking away.

I felt his warm hands on my face, turning my face towards him, forcing me to look in his eyes. He stroked the tears off my face, and I felt the moment was very intimate, until I caught myself, and realized that he'd done the same thing when I'd cried as a little kid.

But as I saw a hint of passion in his eyes, I realized that I might have a reason to hope.

I'd always thought there was a slim chance of this, him feeling the same way, but I had never allowed myself to hope. Even now I shied away from the hope. Hope made you vulnerable, the more you hoped, the more you hurt if they rejected you. But now, as he leaned forward so our faces were closer, it felt like he wanted me, like he wanted to be close to me, like I was loved. For the first time in a long time, my heart didn't hurt.

"I'm not going anywhere," he stated firmly, passionately. His voice had a tone of finality in it, like it was all he was going to say.

I realized, as rejection washed through me, that it was all he was going to say.

He'd stick around, but he didn't love me. I'd have to see him fall for someone else, get married to them, maybe even have kids! He didn't love me. He didn't say I love you back.

It was better than him leaving me, but it still hurt. The rejection burned a hole in my stomach, and I became nauseous. I felt all the blood leave my face, and my eyes pricked.

Before I could cry, I indifferently said, "Good to know," then sped out of the room. "I'll be back later," I shouted as I sped from the house, bringing only my diary.

I'd be back much, much later.

I had to get away, I couldn't stay here any longer, I had to deal with the sting of his rejection away from my family. They'd already hurt enough because of me. I couldn't put them through that.

I sped through the forest outside our house, moving toward the shed, because I knew no one was in there. I ripped a page out of my diary that hadn't been used yet, and started writing as fast as I could. I couldn't face Jake, and he'd soon come looking for me, so I had to hurry.

"I'm very upset right now, please don't let anyone follow me, Rose. I want to be alone. I'll only be gone for four days, and I'll call tomorrow. It's not your fault, and it's not Jake's either. Please be nice to him. If you can. See you soon,"

"Ness"

I left the note in Rosalie's toolbox, but then reconsidered. What if she didn't come in the garage for a while, and Jake found this first? I thought fast. I opened the door of her car, and honked the horn. That ought to get her attention. She loved her car.

I took a deep breath, allowing myself to be calm for a second, and then took off like a bullet through the trees.

I was still in the pants I wore yesterday, so I had my wallet in my pocket. I had more than enough to pay for transportation. Rosalie would tell them I didn't want to be followed, and I was Jake's imprint right? He'd do whatever I needed him to do. So now, if I needed him to stay home, he'd stay home, right?

If only it could influence emotions, then I wouldn't be having this problem.

His words still hurt me, though they were supposed to be comforting. If only I hadn't let myself hope. I'd expected him to say "I love you" so his words had hurt me. If I hadn't been silly, what he'd said would make me feel better, a reassurance he wouldn't leave.

But he would eventually reject me, and it's much better to face it now, than when he tells me he's engaged, or introduces me to his girlfriend.

I shuddered and my stomach dropped to my feet as I thought those words. His girlfriend. I'd eventually have to watch him fall in love, and he'd marry her, they'd have kids, he'd stop phasing, start aging for her, and then he'd die. I'd have to watch Jake grow old and die.

My pain turned into rage as I pictured his future wife's face in my mind. She'd be pretty, not plain, maybe even prettier than me. I'd bet she'd be Indian, too. Maybe even Quiluete. And it would kill me, slowly and painfully, because she wouldn't be worthy of him, but she'd definitely be more worthy of him than me.

I slowed to a human-paced run as I approached town, people stared at me but I didn't care. I had to get away. I had to get home.

I had plenty of clothing and shelter at my cottage in Forks. I'd stay there for a few days, visit Charlie and Billy, and maybe even Tanya's coven up in Alaska. Anything to just get away.

I walked into the airport quickly, stepping up to the front desk.

"Hello, how can I help you?" the lady said, her voice was nasally and very distracting, for which I was strangely grateful. It gave me something else to think about.

"When does the next flight to Seattle leave?" I asked.

"The ramp closes in five minutes, but we don't sell tickets this last minute. I'm terribly…"

I pulled a wad of cash out of my pocket and slipped it into her hand.

She gazed at it, wide-eyed for a second, and then flipped a few papers she had over, reading something.

"There's an extra seat in first class, but we'll have to put your luggage on a later plane…"

"I don't have any luggage," I said quickly, cutting her off.

"You'd better hurry…"

I was already gone.

I had to slow when I was in sight of the plane. I found my seat and finally went numb, completely brain-dead until we had taken off.

He'd rejected me. He didn't want me. This meant I would never have a mate. I would never get married and live with my family happily ever after like I'd always thought as a little kid. I'd be the bitter single amongst my happy family. The only one who felt alone.

I opened my diary up, pulling my knees up to prop it close to my face so the person next to me couldn't see.

"Dear E.J."

"I feel so rejected, so hurt. I couldn't put them through that."

"Yes, I gave in and told him, yes, he didn't feel the same way, and yes, I plan to not come home until I am over this. You should've seen their faces. I will not cause them pain like that again. I refuse to. I'd sooner end my own life."

"Ness."

I closed my book, and stared out of the window, wondering how I was to go about this impossible task of healing.

Don't hate me please, and if you want more answers and more drama (and me to post chapters often) then review! You guys were awesome and gave me a review, so I was awesome and gave you a chapter! See how that works out? Pure awesomeness!