Chapter 2 Experiments

*A/N – This chapter takes place before and during Chapter 17 – Back to New York in my story Queer as Folk New York

I recommend reading that chapter first. It'll help set context for this one.

Eric's POV

This is so frustrating. I haven't worked for days. I have to get Brian, Justin and Ari out of my head! How the hell can I solve the reactor lattice physics problem for Dr. Lee if I can't stop thinking about sex?

Professor Lantin had it right. I'm incapable of focusing on multiple problems at once. I have to resolve the problem at hand in order to move on. All this thinking about sex is not rational. This endless stream of consciousness asking, "Am I, aren't I, who do I want?" is going to drive me insane. God! I'm doing it again – sex on the brain.

It's time to be Spock and apply the scientific method. I need something to write on. It's impossible to exercise the hypothetic deductive model of scientific query without writing things down. Where the hell's my pencil?

I never realized. Ripping a room apart is cathartic. I feel much better now. Better able to focus on properly working through my problem.

Step 1: Define the problem. I've got to get this step right. Everybody knows the incorrect problem statement leads to ineffective problem resolution.

I'm gay.

That's not a problem statement. It's a hypothesis. Besides, it'd be easy if I was sure. Where's my eraser? Oh well, crossing out works.

Uncertainty about my sexual preference is causing me to become dysfunctional.

Better, but it requires two series of tests – one testing whether or not I'm dysfunctional, a second for sexuality. Too complex to control the variables. Try again.

I'm insane.

Probably true, but not a helpful problem statement. I have to have the underlying assumption that I'm sane for this exercise to be useful. God help me if anyone ever finds this notepad. They'll lock me up.

My sexual preference is undefined.

That's better. It's a problem, it's solvable and solving it should help me get back to Dr. Lee's problem.

Step 2: Gather evidence

Response to visual stimuli. Very strong response to either male or female sexual imagery. Specific examples:

Brian – Instantaneous arousal.

No shit. I just have to look at him. I'm not sure I like him, but I sure want him.

Justin – Slower response arousal.

I'm not sure if it's really slower. All he has to do is touch me lately. Ever since he reconnected with Brian, he's happy. A happy Justin is almost impossible to resist. He's talking to Brian all the time, talking about Brian all the time and he's glowing. He's cute when he glows. Damn, I'm getting hard again.

Ari – Strong protective feelings coupled with instantaneous response.

I have to fight the urge to jump her all the time, but it's easier than it used to be. Months of self-denial and masturbation have paid off. If that isn't happening then I'm fighting the urge to open doors and throw my coat over puddles to stop her feet from getting wet. And if I did that, she'd kill me. How can one small female cause such chaos in a supposedly rational mind?

Response to physical stimuli. Very strong response in the right circumstances. Specific examples:

Haven't had the chance to respond physically to Brian. It's too bad I never will either. I don't think Justin would like it.

Justin – Immediate response to dancing.

Haven't had a chance to touch him since then. He and Brian vanished, then he went to Pittsburgh. He's back now, so we'll see.

Ari – Immediate response to any touch.

And she's a toucher. Every time she walks by she either brushes against you, or rubs your shoulder. It'd be nice if it wasn't driving me nuts. And the smell, God, she smells so good. I wonder if that's just her innate smell or something she wears.

Daisy Lewis

Daisy – my best friend, my first kiss, first time to every base and first love. She'd kill herself laughing over this notepad. Maybe I should call her – she'd know what to do. No, I can figure this out myself. There are a few other girls I've dated, but they've got nothing on Daisy or Ari.

Other females

Maybe I should go out clubbing in Chelsea to see if I have a similar response to males. Pat would take me – he's gay. No, maybe not. I'd have to explain why and he'd tease me for the ten years, he couldn't help himself. He is kind of cute, though.

Shit, stop. I do no need another person to obsess about. Pat's just a friend. Get back to the steps of science.

Step3: Hypotheses

Hypothesis 1: I'm gay.

Hypothesis 2: I'm heterosexual.

The facts aren't coming down conclusively one way or the other yet. Maybe you shouldn't apply the scientific method to emotions, but what else is there? Science works. Just thinking and feeling for days hasn't worked. Time for Step Four: Plan experiments and tests.

How do people know for sure they're gay? Justin's home. If I find out how he figured it out, maybe I can do the same tests he did.

He's in the living room. Remember – small talk first. Make conversation. Thank God for Daisy. She taught me how to talk to people. I just have to remember her rules: Talk about two other things. Listen even if it's not relevant. Respond to all statements. Don't get to the point too fast – lead up to it. Back track and explain when people look stunned. I can do it without thinking about it now. I just need to make mental notes of what I find out to copy to my notepad later on.

There's Justin. Sit next to him – no touching. Oh, no. He's glowing again. He looks so happy it's going to be hard to concentrate on what he's saying. I need to focus on conversation first, not sex. Two topics to discuss: his father and the phone call.

"How are you doing? I'm sorry about your father."

"Me, too. Dad and I haven't gotten along in years, and the trip home didn't change that. I guess it was worth a try."

That dampened the glow. I like it better when he's happy. "You seemed pretty excited when I came in, what's up?"

"One of the agents who gave me his card at the show is supposed to be really good." Justin face shone with enthusiasm. "I'm meeting him tomorrow."

Goodness, his emotions can swing fast. From sadness about his dad, to happiness about his new agent in less a minute. He's gorgeous when he's happy. Whoops – don't get distracted. I need to find out how he knew he was gay, not get turned on. A bit of small talk now.

Lead up to the point: Ask about Brian, then if it's okay to ask him something personal.

"How was Brian?"

"Great! I'm definitely feeling no stress today." I wonder if those two ever stop – we didn't see them at all when Brian was here. "And he's coming back into town on Friday." Oh, God. Brian's coming back. Just thinking about him…

Take a breath, focus on the conversation. Justin's looking relaxed now. I can get on topic. "When did you know you were gay?" Oh, no. Going by the look on Justin's face, that was too fast. Back track a bit and explain myself. "I mean really knew, not just thought maybe."

"When I was thirteen, I started to suspect something weird was happening. I mean, all the guys in my class were obsessing about girls and I just couldn't care less. There wasn't a single girl in my class that I was interested in, and breasts just looked kind of spongy to me."

That's relevant. That goes on my mental notepad.

New test: Feelings on the sight of breasts. Should probably add cocks, too. And other sexual organs.

He's offering me a beer. Do I want one? A beer is a good idea. People like to talk over alcohol.

He used to watch athletes and respond. Also relevant. Used to fantasize about a football player. Probably not relevant, I don't know Chris Hobbs.

New test: Check physical response in locker room.

Oh, my God - the look on his face. I don't want to cause him pain. "Justin, are you okay? I don't have to hear this if it makes you uncomfortable."

He says he's okay, but I better keep an eye on him. Not all of his memories are happy.

He surfed the net for men. That's highly relevant.

New test: Surf the net for both men and women. Check speed of response to both.

He told his mom and a counselor he likes dick and he's good at sucking? That may not be relevant, but it's hilarious. God, he's next to me, laughing, touching me. I'm getting turned on again. He looks serious.

"Eric, why are you asking? I don't mind talking about it with friends, but it usually comes up after more than one beer."

Oh, boy. What do I say? Stall. "I don't know." No. That's no good. He deserves the truth. "No, that's a lie - I do know why I asked. Lately, I've been feeling things I'm not used to. I just wanted to talk to somebody, you know?"

Some more small talk now before I can lead back to it. Oh, God, he wants to know when I first felt this way. I can't just say it's when he danced with me. That'd kill this conversation dead. "The first time my body really stood at attention for a guy was a week ago, on the day Brian came for a visit." There that should be a good lead-in, I didn't mention the specifics at all.

"You've got the hots for Brian? My Brian? And you're asking me for advice?" Justin looks stunned. Shit. Bad lead-in. Is there a good lead-in to telling a guy you want both him and his boyfriend? I wish Daisy was here. She'd know. Time to back track again.

"I'm just trying to figure this stuff out. Nothing's going to happen between me and Brian." Too bad.

"We should experiment – to see which way you really swing."

"Justin, what are you talking about?"

"Wait here. I need to make a quick phone call."

What the hell? Where's he going? Why is making a phone call in the kitchen? What experiment does he want to do? Shit. I can't sit still and wait. Well, I came to him for advice so I could figure out some experiments to decide if I'm gay. So anything he comes up with is likely to be relevant. Maybe he wants to take me out clubbing. But why would he need to phone about that? He's coming back.

"Okay, let's give this a try."

Hang on, what? "Give what a try?"

"The sight of Brian kissing is the ultimate turn on, so we need to experiment a bit to see what you really feel. Will guys make you stand at attention or run away screaming?"

"Huh?" God, I'm a moron.

"I'm going to kiss you. Unless you don't want me to?"

He's going to kiss me?

He's kissing me… He smells good…. He tastes better… The hair on my arms are standing up … Everything is standing up… He's stepping back and talking. God, he can kiss. What did he say?

Where did Ari come from? What's she talking about? Christ, why can't my brain function?

"That was hot, guys. You can kiss in front of me anytime, but for now I think a bit more experimentation is in order."

She's kissing me… It's different… She tastes amazing, too… She's softer… She smells so good… Her kiss is softer… Can I pull her closer? … Her hair is so soft… God, can she kiss. She's talking now, but it doesn't make any sense. I wonder why?

Look at the two of them. They both look so … smug. I have to get out of here before I jump someone. I still don't know if I'm gay or not, but I do know I'm horny and I can't do anything about it until I know. I need to think – go write down the results and figure out some more tests. The notepad's in my room. I'll go there.

Great. They want to know if I'm okay. I'm hard as a rock and I don't know who I really want. Am I okay? "Not really." Maybe it's rude to just walk away, but I need to get away.

"It's okay to be bye." What did Ari mean by that?

Oh, shit – it's BI… It's okay to be bi: Bi-sexual. There's a third hypothesis that fits every fact. I'm bisexual. Try that again. I'm bisexual. Yeah. That works. What a relief. The problem's solved. I can get back to the reactor modeling problem… After I take a cold shower.