Marvellous G: Hello, and into the fic proper! Enjoy…
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Chapter Two : Landing sk1llz0r
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As Jack cursed and yelled as he struggled to figure out what the hell to do, he didn't realize yet more yelling in his ear. Major Nought was at it again;
"C'mon Jack, OPEN THE DAMN PARACHUTE! YOU DA MAN! EMBRACE THE BURN!"
"Not helping…" Jack heard another, female voice say in the background. It then came into the foreground, and seemed no to notice his current predicament.
"Hey, Jack, I'm Chute-Docter. I'll be saving the mission data and babbling to myself about old films. It's good to meet you, Jack. Jack? JACK! Oh, wait, you're not dead yet…"
"The hell?" Jack yelled against the wind.
"Never mind. You'll get it when-
"If," Major Nought corrected her. She sighed and started again.
"You'll get it if you die. Which I now realize you won't."
"Die?" Jack asked hopefully.
"No, get it if you're dead. Because, well, you'll be dead."
"Great. Thanks."
"That's okay," Chute-Doctor responded happily, before signing off.
"Jeez…" Jack did, yet again, feel bored. Then he remembered the 'parachute problem'. He racked his extra-large size brain for an idea. For a very long time. A very long time… But then, suddenly, a lightbulb appeared above his head and everything was okay again, because JACK HAD AN IDEA! Ahem… By the time the lightbulb had gone, our hero was about fifty feet above the ground, and, if he had a parachute, should have opened it minutes ago. But our man had a plan, and began to put it into inevitably disastrous action…
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Meanwhile, in Jack's brain…
A man with the words 'Brain Director' emblazoned onto his chest began to speak.
"So, for the good of the readers, let's go through this one more time…" He sat down at a featureless table in a featureless room, and looked to a man with the words 'Reader Helper' on his chest. RH took in a deep breath, and began to talk in a high-pitched voice.
"Well, sir, Jack is going to drop his cigar onto the floor mere milliseconds before impact and attempt to spring off of it and into a tree, before climbing down to the ground, and to safety." BD stared for a few seconds, before roaring at RH, spittle flying out of his mouth.
"THAT'S THE MOST RIDICULOUS PLAN I'VE EVER HEARD! HOW THE HELL IS JACK GONNA SLIDE DOWN THAT TREE WITHOUT GETTING TREE BURN!"
"I personally though the bit with the cigar was pretty unbeliev-"
"DON'T YOU ANSWER BACK, HELPER!" BD looked around at the 'Ideas' room, and yelled,
"WE NEED A NEW PLAN, AND FAST!" At that moment, a man with 'Brain Control' written on his chest walked in out of the 'Jack's Eyes' room.
"Sir, we've got no time! Jack's gonna land any second now!"
BD's face remained as it was for a few seconds, before sinking to face the table sadly.
"Why are my team so dense…" he murmered, before standing up and re-commencing his roaring.
"BRACE YOURSELVES! INTO CRASH SAFETY POSITIONS!" Everyone obeyed, and then everything went black as Jack's plan began it's lonely descent into failure…
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As Jack dropped his cigar and jumped onto it, it miraculously withstood the pressure of a fully-grown human male. He sprung into a tree, grabbing a branch whilst miraculously not breaking his arms, and slid onto the shrubby ground, whilst not-so-miraculously avoiding 'tree burn'. As Jack turned round dramatically to face a non-existent camera, his face broke into a dopy grin, and he jumped into the air, cheering.
"Yay me!"