Updated and edited: 12/02/14

Internal Struggle

Chapter 2: An Amazing Perspective

I've been around for a while. I've seen my share of bad stuff, just like any other superhero. I'm different because I always have something to say to the bad guys, a joke up my sleeve, stuff like that. I bring the comedy to the Avengers, I keep them optimistic-at least that's what I like to believe. Life might be dull as an Avenger without a Web Head to yell "SHUT UP!" to, right?

But most people don't really know Spider-Man, or Peter Parker. They just see the mask of humor and optimism. Who is Spider-Man? Well, here it is.

No jokes, all seriousness, no sarcasm, quips…nothing but straight up answers and honesty.

Have you ever made that one mistake in your life-that ONE mistake-that you wish you could just take back, finding yourself thinking about it every minute of every day, wishing you could go back in time and fix it, not only to redeem yourself, but so that you could undo all the hardships that have come to the ones you love the most that were all results of said mistake? Did you try to do something about it, like dedicating your life to make up for that mistake, to ensure that what happened to you and your loved ones doesn't happen to anyone else, only for it all to make your life a constant downward spiral that ends up not only hurting yourself but your loved ones even more? Did it earn you ridicule from half the city, getting called a pubic menace, a threat to society, a reckless vigilante who only makes things worse, when all you're doing is trying to help others? Did you make powerful enemies who threaten not only you but those you care about; bring alien monsters from other worlds to your own bedroom and kill your true love? Have you ever had to endure the pain and loss of losing so many people close to you, cutting ties and losing friends and the insults of those you have dedicated yourself to protect, being blamed for every wrong thing that ever happens in the city, every villains and every life not saved on your watch?

Did you ever stop and maybe think, "What's the point? Why go on doing this?"

Did you ever think that maybe, just maybe, that they were right and it's really all your fault…because if you trace the cause all the way back, it really is?

Well, you've just basically described the entire life of your Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man.

Most people, when they see Spider-Man, they see either one of two things: they either see a loud mouth reckless individual who never takes anything seriously and is annoying {something I work very hard to maintain to keep the baddies on their toes}; or they see, from what Logan and Cap tell me, a selfless hero who will always do what's right no matter what the cost. Maybe they're right; maybe I am a real hero to New York. I mean, I've stood with the Avengers-among the greatest of the great, with aliens, gods, super soldiers, robots, mutants…

But I looked at all this, these achievements, and then I realized…I don't belong up here with these guys. Not with the likes of Captain America, Iron Man, Thor, Wolverine, Hawkeye, Ms. Marvel, Spider Woman…I just, I thought I didn't deserve to be up here with these heroes.

Because I wasn't much of a hero…in fact, I thought I was more of a failure. I believed I was a failure; I had failed, I thought, as a hero, a friend, a nephew…I was convinced I failed them all.

When I got bit by that spider, I thought it was the best thing to ever happen to me-I had power, and I was not afraid to use it to my benefit. Then I made a mistake, and because of that mistake, I have been fighting crime in a desperate attempt to redeem myself, to make up for said mistake. But Spider-Man seemed to cause more harm than good, according to jolly J. Jonah Jameson. It seemed like he was right, but I didn't care-I was determined to make Uncle Ben proud, redeem myself to him, because of what I did that one night…

That was the worst night of my life.

That set the beginning for every failure I ever had, to myself and everyone around me; some hero, huh?

I mean, would a hero act so stupidly that he'd get the man who raised him, taught him right and wrong, and loved him like a son, killed? Would a hero have done that to his own aunt, force her through this pain and suffering, the loss of her husband, who had been with her through thick and thin? Make her live the rest of her life worried sick about how to keep raising her nephew, pay bills and sustain a life? Rip her heart into pieces and force her to relive those words every single night that she goes to bed cold and alone?

Would a hero allow the father of his first true love to die on his watch? To hear his last words be to take care of his daughter, a wonderful girl who didn't know my secret, and who blamed said hero for this tragedy? Force her to live the rest of her life without a man who could teach her about life, love and goodness?

Would a hero fail his true love, KILLING her while trying to SAVE her? Allowed his arch enemy to figure out who he is and who he held dear the most? Not find out he kidnapped her until too late, and even after he goes after them and try to save her, it's too late? That he wants to blame him for throwing her off the bridge, that it was his fault, when deep down he knows he can't because he knows…that it's his own fault for breaking her spine, killing her? All because he wasn't thinking clearly, blinded with rage?

Would a hero have cursed him home, his people, and his planet…with a monster? A mindless symbiotic creature that lives only to kill him after he rejected it when he realized it was corrupting him? Would he have let it merge with a friend of his, and let it create a legacy of destruction and pain? Create new monsters with a bloodlust merged with a serial killer? Let it run loose among the innocents, unsuspecting of the horror that walks among them, waiting for the opportunity to kill him and everyone he holds dear?

Would a hero fail another woman, a gorgeous redhead with the kindness and love of a saint, in a relationship because he couldn't move on? Because he could not let go of that moment of anguish of failing his first true love, fearing he'd dishonor her memory if he tried to move on, let her go?

Would a hero betray his friends, so soon after the Earth's Mightiest had suffered a tragic decimation, to support a law that defied everything he believed in? Would he cause their lives to be a living hell, and betray the man he idolized the most, all for fame, money and acceptance? Allowed it to go for so long until he finally came to his senses and tried to make up for it, only for those who saw this law as insanity lose and their leader, the greatest man America ever knew, get assassinated?

Would a hero, trying to lead a repentant villain to the path of good, bent on being someone who could give back to mankind, let him corrupt himself again? Suffer that immense pain from removing that Rhino suit, fall in love, chose to live a peaceful life, only for it to be taken away by a madman, forcing him to return to his evil ways and kill him, now hating the hero once more? All because the hero couldn't stop him when he had the chance?

Would a hero…after the largest Invasion the world had seen up to that point…not look at his two arch nemeses defile his name, his actions and everything he stood for as they became the ones the world looked up to, them and other supervillians, the ones who they called…would a hero look at this and not think, "Why did I let this happen?"

Uncle Ben, Captain Stacy…they were good men. Gwen…I always believed I would never find another woman like her; I was only ever truly in love twice, her being the first. I regret with all my heart everything I put MJ through. The Rhino, he could've lived a great life if that new guy didn't ruin it, if I had just stopped him when I had the chance.

I tried to live a life to redeem myself. I tried to make up for my mistakes, pay my debts. I learned the hard way that with great power must come great responsibility. But when I saw Norman Osborn as the world's top cop, when I saw Venom masquerading as Spider Man in his Dark Avengers…I thought to myself, "Where did all this responsibility get me?"

It had gotten me nothing but loss, pain, hurt, betrayal and destruction. There I sat, in the New Avengers hideout, just across the city from Osborn in Stark Tower. If I had just killed him when I had him for Gwen…none of this would've happened. My nemesis, who I didn't kill back when Gwen died, had taken power. He was remaking the world in his image. Imagine how this sat with me.

If I felt like a failure before, that was nothing compared to this. Because I couldn't do what I felt I had to do all those years ago, because I couldn't kill Osborn, he now had the world at his mercy. I failed everyone with this. My team, the New Avengers; Uncle Ben; Gwen…I hated myself. I couldn't deal with it any longer, this guilt of having brought this upon the world. Luke, Logan, Jess, Bobbi, Clint, Bucky…they tried to get me to see it wasn't my fault, but I wasn't having it.

Because then I believed if Spider-Man never came to be, everything that had come as a result would've never happened, and the world would've been better off.

So I decided the world no longer needed Spider-Man. I had created enough problems for everyone, I thought. Of course, they wouldn't disappear when I was gone, but at least I wouldn't be around to bring any more, worse problems. In my self-pity, I was off to tell Bucky that I was quitting, not to contact me. I was planning on leaving everyone and everything behind-even Aunt May. I had had enough of all my failure. I had failed as a hero, I thought.

But passing by that room, I stopped. I heard something-crying. I knew who was in that room, but I couldn't believe I was hearing this-her, of all people, crying?

Curiosity got the better of me and I went in and there she was: Carol Danvers, Ms. Marvel; the former Mighty Avenger, now with us after Osborn declared her a criminal. She looked at me, teary eyed, clearly embarrassed that I had caught her like this.

Now I knew Carol hated me-not surprising-from past experiences and a team-up once, and this could've earned me a beat down so quickly apologizing, I made to leave. But she asked me to stay with her. She sounded desperate and anguished.

I was the first to readily welcome her into our team when she came to us, and I did so for two reasons: the first was because she had been screwed over by Osborn, like the rest of us, and wanted payback, and that cleared her in my book. Sure the others were very hesitant in accepting her, due to the fact of her support for Registration and how their life was screwed up as a result. Jess and I managed to convince them, eventually, and Carol never looked more grateful. The second reason, well…when I looked at Carol, I mean really looked, that day, I saw something I never noticed-a mask, a wall, a really well built wall. I knew then, immediately, that she had her own issues, her own problems…failures of her own. She hid them well, like me, but instead of humor, she used her military training. It caught my interest, but I never asked about it-beat down, remember?

But right in front of me, she was breaking down, and I somehow knew it was about whatever was behind those walls. So, like Uncle Ben raised me, I did the kind thing and stayed with her, held her hand and let her use my shoulder to cry on. Later on, when I tried to find our new Captain America again, she came up to me, and I was sure I was going to get that beat down, but I was shocked when all she did was hug me tight and thank me for what I did. Then she smiled at me.

Her smile reminded me of Gwen.

We slowly started an amazing friendship. And I learned who Carol Danvers, who Ms. Marvel, really was.

She was the oldest kid in her family, but her dad never paid attention to her, preferring her brothers. No matter what she did, he never noticed her-even when she joined the Air Force-and that kind of planted the roots for her estranged relationship with almost every man she has ever met and been with. She worked for SHIELD, and was abducted by a Kree soldier and when saved by Captain Marvel, she got her powers and became Ms. Marvel. Everything went to hell for her after she became an Avenger: she was raped, she lost her memories, she lost her powers, she became a god-like being only to lose that power and get her old powers back, and that turned her to alcohol and depression. Even when she quit it, she has felt that her life has been a downward spiral to nowhere. Wonder Man hurt her, Mystique taunted and hurt her, and now she's forced to live like an outlaw. Hell, she even died once-luckily we brought her back. But, yeah, Carol's had it really bad, as bad as I have.

I guess that's the reason we understood each other so well. Kindred spirits, probably. I mean, I was able to help her through the guilt she felt of all the failures she felt she had allowed to happen, all the insecurities she's had to struggle with for so long by herself. What I wasn't expecting was for her to do the exact same for me.

She understood what I was going through, feeling like a failure as a hero, like I let this all happen because of what I couldn't do, what I chose not to do. But Carol helped me through my guilt-the guilt of failing Uncle Ben, Gwen, Captain Stacy and everyone else. I admire that she could last this long, fronting as she does-never showing weakness, never standing down and always ready to make the ultimate sacrifice. She admired me for doing the same thing. She, as I was always there for her, was there for me-she was there to listen when I needed to just talk about it; she helped me when I felt like I was gonna leave it all…she has been a friend, just when I need one the most. She refused to believe what Jameson and the rest thought about me, never judged me-she just saw me as a regular guy with some insecurities and a bunch of guilt, looking past the hero and jokester to good old Peter Parker.

She helped me realize if it were not for Spider-Man, crime would exponential and that the streets would be unsafe for everyone. Without Spider-Man, the Symbiote outbreak would've never been stopped a few years back when I was up against Kaine and Jackal. Without Spider-Man, Ryker's Island would've been destroyed and all my enemies would've taken over the city, destroyed them all, unopposed. Without Spider-Man, the New Avengers may have never formed; the Civil War could've ended up even worse; a Skrull Captain America would've doomed us all.

I'm glad you got bit by that spider, Peter. If you didn't, and never have become Spider-Man, I would still be in the funk I was in when you walked in on me crying that time. If not a hero to anyone else, know that because of that, you're MY hero.

Carol helped me see that I really was a hero, a hero who always does what's right, as is my responsibility. But when she said those words to me, it made me realize that Spider-Man gave hope, gave something for others to aspire to. I can never thank Carol enough for getting me out of that funk I was in, for helping me see the purpose of Spider-Man. Because of her, I never quit the New Avengers, and I am here today as an Avenger.

Remember how I said I only was ever truly in love twice? Carol was the second. She managed to do a number on me, being an amazing friend, helping me with everything I had ever been through, that I soon started falling for her. Of course, I have a knack of being an idiot around beautiful women, and I figured I was out of my league with her. But one night, after a mission with us two, Jess and Logan, we were all saying goodnight, and I just kissed her, out of the blue. Her reaction…god, I thought she was going to kill me, no matter what I said, so it came as a big shock when she grabbed me and kissed me harder, and two hour later I find myself in her bed.

Go figure.

I'd come to realize that Gwen would not want me holding on to her memory like I did. I realized I had to move on. I had come to terms with that, but I still have had bad luck with women, and Carol wasn't exactly the expert in successful relationships. But I could tell she wanted this to work as much as I did, and when I told her that, that I wanted to make this work, well, she never looked happier. I knew things would be different from here on out.

Nowadays, the Web Head still roams the streets, taking on crime and defending the averages Joes as an Avenger and as the Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man. Sure, sometimes I feel down, but I've realized that Gwen, Uncle Ben and Captain Stacy, wherever they are now, are watching me, proud of me and of what I do. I know I have redeemed myself in their eyes, but my responsibility still lies with New York as its hero, and so I will do as a hero does until my time comes, with Carol by my side, with Ms. Marvel. I can't wait to see the Sinister Six try to take her on!

And even if no one appreciates what I do, if no one sees me as a hero, it doesn't matter. If they don't see me as a hero, I'll still be their hero, still do what I do.

Because I am Carol's hero, and that, my friend, makes everything worth it.

FIN