Cosima was halfway awoken by the smell of alcohol and stale breath filling her nostrils. She scrunched her nose before finally opening her eyes.
"Holy fuck, Felix—what the hell?" she screamed at the disturbing sight of Felix's face less than two inches from her own. He had been leaning over the side of the bed breathing on her for several minutes.
"Don't you yell at me. You're the one getting your lesbian all over my creative inspiration." He stood up and took his coat off while walking across the bedroom. Cosima groggily sat up, swung her legs over the side, and sighed.
"Okay I really have no clue what that means," she sleepily wiped her eyes and glanced over at Delphine—who was desperately trying to fake sleep to get away from Felix's wrath.
"Are you going to stay here forever like the rest of you freaky clones? My flat is not some hostel you come stay at for a cultural experience."
Cosima grabbed her glasses, stood up, and walked into the kitchen to make coffee.
"Actually," she held her index finger up; "I would disagree with you on the—the "cultural experience" part. That actually is the definition of your apartment. Alison would definitely agree."
"All I'm saying is since you were fornicating in MY bed last night, at least change the sheets thank you very much!"
The whole apartment went silent as Cosima raised her eyebrows and sucked in a short breath while avoiding eye contact. Felix looked from Delphine to Cosima and then raised his head and got a slight smile. He walked closer to Cosima.
"Cos, you and Frenchy—you are—"
Delphine gets out of bed and begins throwing clothes on as Cosima lets out her breath in a huff as she cut him off.
"Yep, ok thanks. We'll do that, kay? So how was last night? You were with some guy from the morgue? Sounds freaky in a totally good way."
"Cosima." Felix slowly walked towards her as the dreaded girl rolled her eyes and leaned back against the counter and Delphine frantically put on shoes.
"What?"
"You and Frenchy DID go muff-diving in my bed last night, didn't you?"
Delphine quickly grabs her purse and walks towards the door. She gives a little wave to the other woman and mumbles something about 'giving them some time to talk'. With that she slams the door behind her. Cosima turns back to Felix.
"God—muff-diving? Really?"
"Oh my god. You haven't gotten laid yet, have you? Four whole days and Frency's still holding out on you?"
Cosima slams the coffee pot back into the coffee maker after pouring herself a mug.
"No, I haven't, ok? God! You couldn't wait til she was gone to say this shit?"
Felix shrugs and flops down on his couch. Cosima follows.
"What happened?"
Cosima lets her head fall back before turning to face him.
"I kinda sorta may have said something about being able to tell that it was her first time with a girl when we were in Minnesota."
Felix scoffed.
"I knew she was a breeder from the moment I saw her."
"Ok can you stop saying things like that?"
Felix looked offended.
"Like what?"
"Like 'muff-diving' and 'breeder' and what was that other one you said a couple days ago?"
"Transgressive lesbian geek spiral."
Cosima snapped her fingers.
"Yes! That one."
Felix just rolled his eyes and flipped his hair back.
"Alright so now what? She won't let you get it on or whatever term it is you want me to use?"
Cosima shook her head.
"Nope. She's convinced she will suck in bed so now we are just stuck in this horrible place where we watch episode after episode of x-files while cuddling." Cosima's face was one of disgust.
"Is that the one with that hunky detective type with good hair? What's his name?"
"Mulder."
"That's it! He is quite fit, that one."
"Mm. He is."
They sat in silence for a second while they both pondered the fictional truth seeker. Felix finally broke it.
"Well I mean, she will suck, so you can't really lie about that one. The only thing to do is give her a six or seven drinks and get it over with."
Cosima eyed her friend.
"Felix. I'm not going to drug Delphine."
"Who said anything about drugs?"
"The thing is—I don't mind it. I mean yeah it's awkward and weird and I definitely don't plan on cumming for the first couple times but it's fine. I don't really care. I like it and I like her and it's totally okay if she sucks at 'muff-diving' for awhile, you know?"
"Oh god, you better not tell Sarah all this—so much for 'approaching logically'." He sighed. "Well what did she say when you told her all that?"
"Erm I guess I DIDN'T say all that. I mean I told her that I didn't mind it last time but maybe I should have—elaborated more?"
"It's worth a shot. Quite frankly I don't really care whose fish you kiss as long as I don't have to smell it on my sheets. I'm staying at Colin's again tonight so you get another chance. DON'T mess it up—I'm kicking you out tomorrow."