A/N: Just a quick note so there is no confusion, the Sasha mentioned in this chapter in not the same college student Sasha Aiden dated.

For my three girls.

Disclaimer: I owe nothing but her heart.

Mine to Love Again

Chapter 1: Confessions

Spencer's POV

I was listening to my boss going over the shows for the coming week when there was a tentative knock on the door. We both looked up and I saw the small frown on her face. Her assistant knew better than to interrupt her meetings with me.

"This better be good," she muttered before asking Alice to come in.

The door opened and a petite blonde walked in, carrying fresh cups of coffee as if to soften the interruption.

"Ms. Jourdan, there is a Kyla Woods on the phone and she wishes to speak to you right away."

I drop the papers in my hands and blush when they both turn to look at my uncharacteristic display of clumsiness. Alice is at my side immediately helping me gather the papers. I apologize before turning back to my boss.

"Alice, we're in a meeting. You know I don't take calls or like to be interrupted during this time."

"I know that, and I apologize, but I really think you need to take this call," she says with a little trepidation in her voice.

"I don't know a Kyla Woods."

"She is Ashley Davies's manager, ma'am."

Sasha's eyebrows rose and she looked at me in surprise. I looked down at my papers since I didn't want her to know just how affected I was to hear her name. Sadly for me, just the mere mention of her name still managed to make my heart skip a beat and my breathing to stop.

"Do you know what the call is about?"

"She simply said she wanted to speak to you about the show and it was very important."

"Fine. I'll take it. Thank you, Alice."

"She's on line two."

I watched with trepidation as she picked up the phone and pressed the correct line. "This is Sasha Jourdan, Ms. Woods, how can I help you?"

I blocked her out after a couple of minutes because from the little I had heard, I wasn't going to be happy with the outcome of the phone call. The more they talked, the more excited Sasha got, and I've known her for almost four years and know that look. She's on to something big, something that will make the ratings sky rocket.

And something that might bring me face to face with her after four years of not seeing her in person. I'm not going to lie, I knew all about what she was up to, just like she knew what I was up to. Our mutual friends made sure that happened. Just because we had broken up, or rather, she had "set me free", didn't mean I hated her. Yes, I was devastated when I woke up to find her gone, and those first few months were miserable, but with time, I came to understand why she did it.

It took me a long time to come to terms with it, and I had moved on and dated other women and had a relationship or two, but no one ever came close. No one could ever take her place in my heart. If she had left to set me free, she had forgotten to return my heart to me, so there was no use.

I won't lie about the distance making things difficult back then. I will admit to being drawn to the girl she had seen me with, but nothing had happened at the time, other than harmless flirting. I knew she liked me, but she also knew I was very much taken.

When Carmen found out I was single again, she had kept her feelings in check for about a month before she started dropping heavy hints. It took me six months to say yes to a date. Needless to say, it was a disaster waiting to happen because I couldn't help but feel like I was betraying Ashley. Carmen and I dated for only a few months before we decided to call it quits and just be friends. I never even managed to sleep with her, that was how tight Ashley's hold on my heart was.

Eventually, I was able to go on more dates and I did manage the sex bit with a few of them. No one could ever compare, though, no one ever even came close to making me feel the way she did. So I finally resigned myself to the fact that she had branded me as hers, and no matter who came into my life, they would never have my entire heart, body or mind.

No one knew I had gone to see her in concert in more than one occasion, going as far as spending the weekend across the country just so I could attend one. Kyla and Chelsea kept me up with what she was doing, and we had even exchanged birthdays and Christmas cards for the past couple of years.

How I finished my senior year when my scholarship fell through? She paid for my tuition without my knowing so. It was only after I received a letter from the school saying all was paid that I figured it out. When I talked to Kyla about it, she said Ashley didn't want me to give up my dream and if she could do anything about it, she would. Besides, she had more money than she knew what to do with, so she felt good using it for something worthwhile like my education. I couldn't really disagree with an argument like that, so I finished my degree and became a television producer.

The silver BMW X5 that I absolutely love and proudly drove? Her graduation present to me. It was waiting at the loft when I got back with a big red bow on the top and my name on the windshield. The keys had been left on top of the kitchen counter with a card from her. Later on that night I had found out from Kyla that she had been at the graduation ceremony.

My home? I still live in the loft that we all lived in when I graduated high school. Only it was mine now. Since it had been paid in full when they first got it, Ashley and Kyla put in on my name when Kyla went to work for her and started traveling. Ashley now owed a beach house and Kyla stayed with her most of the time. As with the other things, my protests fell on deaf ears.

So while she had set me free to live my life as I saw fit, she found ways to make sure I was taken care of and kept her promise to always look after me even if we weren't together.

What had I done for her in return? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Kyla and Chelsea had tried to arrange meetings in several occasions, but I have never gone for it. You might think it was cowardly of me, but the truth was, I had no idea what I would do if I had her in front of me again.

Would I act friendly and mature? Would all the anger, hurt and resentment of the past come rushing out? Would I jump into her arms and kiss her like I've been dreaming off for the past four years? I had no fucking clue, but I didn't want to risk it. So, yeah, call me a coward.

Before I could think of more, I heard my name being called in such an annoyed way my head snapped to look at my boss, who looked very irritated with me.

"Huh?" was my eloquent reply to her.

"What the hell is wrong with you today? I've been calling your name for the past five minutes, Spencer Carlin! Where did you go?"

I blushed and looked down at my fidgety fingers. "I'm sorry."

"It's alright. But pay attention now. We're having Ashley Davies on the show this coming Friday, so we need to make some changes to our lineup and accommodate this. I want the entire show to be about her, so make it happen."

I froze in my chair. Literally felt frozen on the spot. I could not move, talk or think straight. My eyes widened in fear as I looked at her.

"I can't do it," I whispered.

Sasha frowned. "Of course you can. What the hell do you think you're the show's executive producer for? Make it happen, Spencer. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity. Call Ms. Woods and set up a meeting with Ms. Davies for tomorrow. Handle all the details because this is not an ordinary show. She wants to bring in her band and a live orchestra and she'll be launching her latest CD on the show. This is huge, Spencer!"

I was starting to go on full-out panic attack. "Sasha, I have never asked for special treatment and I have always given you a hundred and ten percent, but I can't this time."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, I'll make the arrangements, I'll work with Kyla, but I'm going to leave all contact with Ashley to you or my assistant."

She stared at me like I had grown another head. She had no idea of course that I knew Ashley in more ways than one. She had no idea what it would do to my nervous system to have her in my office asking questions and planning a show.

"Unless you give me a damn good reason as to why you don't want to talk to Ms. Davies yourself, I can't let you walk away from this. It's too important to the show and the ratings. It would look good on all of us and we work damn hard week after week to give the audience a great show and I'm not about to stop now. You are a professional and I want to see you acting like one, Carlin!"

Damn, she used my last name. She's not happy with me and now I don't know what to do to get out of this.

"Look, Sasha, there is a past there. I promise to go into details when this is all over and done with. I will handle this like the professional I am and I will make sure it's the best show we've ever put on. Kyla and I are very good friends, so I can handle most of the details with her. All I'm asking is that I don't have to deal with Ashley unless absolutely necessary. I won't be able to handle it."

Sasha stared at me for several moments, and I let her see the pain and desperation in my eyes. I never did that, but she had gotten to know me well during the time we had worked together and she knew I wasn't kidding now.

"I can't believe I'm about to do this, Carlin, but I'll let you do this your way. I don't want there to be problems when we're doing such a big show. I mean, she is the rock princess and she's chosen us to do this. I'm going to think the reason she chose us is because she and Ms. Woods know you and trust you. Don't make this a habit, Spencer."

I was so relieved I could have jumped over the desk and hugged her. "I promise I won't, Sasha. Once I explain, you will understand why I'm asking for this. I promise you this will be the best show I've ever put on for you or I'll hand in my resignation letter."

Sasha laughed at me. "Don't be absurd, Spencer! Like I would accept such a letter. Just make sure this show rocks. Do you need Ms. Wood's number?"

"No. I'll call her as soon as I get into my office and meet her somewhere to get the details rolling. I'll have my assistant reschedule Friday's guests to next week and let her handle the rest of the shows for this week so I can't concentrate on Friday's show. I only have three days to work my magic!"

"Make me proud, Carlin."

"I will."

0-0

I called a meeting with my production team the moment I got back into my office and explained the changes that would be made. At the mere mention of Ashley's name, they went crazy. It was common knowledge that the rock princess gave very few interviews and had never done a live show like ours. With a live show the risks were higher and she could be put on the spot easily. Not that Sasha Jourdan worked that way, but it was always a risk for someone as private as the petite brunette. After delegating work, I sent everyone on their way and told my assistant we would meet again as soon as I talked to Kyla and she left as well.

After taking a few deep breaths, I picked up my phone and dialed Kyla. She picked up after only two rings.

"Hey, Spence. I was expecting your call."

"Hey, Ky. This was a surprise."

"I know. She just decided it on it this weekend. I didn't have time to warn you because she just told me this morning when I called your boss."

"It's okay. Can we meet today? Just you and I?"

There was a long silence on the other end. I waited and tried not to bite my nails.

"She's doing this for you, you know," came the quiet reply.

I felt a hand squeeze my heart painfully and I shut my eyes tightly. "Why?"

"Because she wants to see you, Spence. She's wanted to see you for a long time and she doesn't know what else to do to make it happen. So she is opening herself up on national live television if that's what it takes."

Tears filled my eyes. "I don't know if I'm ready, Ky," I whispered brokenly.

"She just wants her friend back, honey. She's not asking for anything else. And you would know that if you gave her a moment of your time."

"What if I meet her and everything comes rushing back? What if the anger and resentment I felt for so long come out?"

"Then she'll have to deal with it. At some point, you both need closure to move on. It's been four years, for fuck's sake!"

"I've moved on! In fact, I've been dating the same girl for three months now," I told her.

Yes, I realize how childish I just sounded, thank you!

"Right, you told me about Veronica, but that doesn't mean shit. You and I both know you never got closure and Ashley never got over the fact that she let you go. Let's not bullshit around, Spence. We know each other too well."

"Ky, I will promise you to meet with Ashley after the show on Friday. But do this for me now, please. Either you and I plan the entire show without me having to see her or she meets with my assistant. But I will not be able to put on the type of show we are known for and she deserves if I see her before then."

"I'm telling you, Spence, she's not going to like it. She is doing this to see you!"

"I know and she will. But not before the show is over. Tell her I will even cook her dinner at the loft Friday night," I said in desperation before my brain could catch up with my mouth.

I heard her sigh. "This is so fucking childish, but fine. Have it your damn way. Meet me at twelve at our usual place for lunch and we'll go over what she wants to do. You so owe me big for this, Carlin! Fuck, you guys are driving me insane and I don't appreciate being the middle-woman anymore! If you don't make it work this time around, I'm done with it."

I didn't even get to respond because she hung up on me. And now I had an even bigger problem in my hands. Not only would I have to face Ashley, the undisputed love of my life, but I had offered to cook her dinner just so I could postpone said meeting. I seriously could not understand myself sometimes.

Maybe Kyla was right. We needed to finally see each other and put the past to rest. We both needed closure to move on. No matter who I dated, they never measured up to her and I needed to either let her go completely or figure out a way to keep her in my life for good.

The fucked up thing was that I didn't know which one I feared the most: finally letting her go or finding a way to make it work this time around.

0-0