~The Vastly Inappropriate Exploits Of...~

Chapter One: Natsu Dragneel

Disclaimer: do not own Fairy Tail, or any of it's characters.

He spent hours admiring her from across the guild, cursing himself under his breath for what he was about to do. Usually he would just let his spontaneous personality take control and never think twice about what he says, however this was difficult for him. He had never said anything so rash and stupid in his life, and this was coming from the mouth of Natsu Dragneel. Why did he go to that lecherous asshole for advice? That's right, he had more experience with this shit, not to mention he knew what his crush liked. He had a bad feeling about this, but desperate times call for desperate measures. He wanted to make his confession unique, he had planned to make it romantic, but was advised against it- strongly against it. Loki was very clear with his instructions- woo her with words, and not just any words would do.

He had spent the entire night rehearsing the lines that Loki had given him, nausea and disgust filled him every time the words tumbled from his lips. This just seemed wrong, but Natsu knew that no matter what he said or did, she was always forgiving. He prayed that this would work, he couldn't stand holding back his feelings any longer.

He had mentally scolded himself time and time again for not just shouting out his desires as he always had. This whole thing could have been avoided; the sleepless nights, the awkward silences between him and Lucy, the constant need to attack anything or one that came within 3 feet of the woman. It was starting to get out of hand.

He sighed deeply one last time and stood to his feet. He walked swiftly and silently towards the beautiful blond mage that was sitting at the bar, a drink in her hand and a smile on her face. The knot in his stomach grew tighter and for possibly the first time in his life, he was feeling a little over-heated. He leaned his head forward, so that his lips brushed the side of her neck right under her ear.

"Natsu!" the sudden presence of the dragon slayer startled the blond. Before she had the chance to turn and face him, his arms reached forward and trapped her between the bar and himself.

"Please, Lucy. Don't shout, just listen," he whispered gently into her ear, his gut twisting uncomfortably, "I have... I..." he stopped to take a breath. Lucy tilted her head slightly, just enough to look him in the eyes. Fuck, he wished he could just kiss her and get this over with. Wouldn't that be the best move at this moment?

Big, brown eyes bore into his onyx, he knew it was now or never. So with all the courage he had, he spoke the rehearsed dialog.

"I... I hope you like dragons..." he could feel the blood rush to his face, as he forced his tongue to spill the last of his speech, "Because I'll be... dragon my balls across your face tonight..."

The next few seconds seemed to pass by in a haze; one second he was staring into the paling face of his secret crush, the next he was on the floor, lying in a pool of his own blood. The shrill shrieks of his partner sounded over head, but none of it was registering with the crippled dragon. Before he passed out, the smirking face of Gajeel appeared before him, his laughter booming harshly in his ears.

"Classy, Salamander! Classy!"

And that was the last time Natsu Dragneel took love advise from Loki.

I hope you enjoyed this first chapter! I kinda wanted to make this one about Gajeel at first, but I have so many ideas for him later on!

Please let me know what you think, I know that this is OOC, but I am more interested in making ridiculous stories than I am keeping everyone in complete character. Let me know if this was a good start!

~PhWoMp~