Disclaimer: I do not own K-ON! or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.
A/N: I'm glad you all find this to be funny. And there's already a couple of Favorites and Alerts. Thanks!
Hope you enjoy this chapter just as much as the first.
And BTW, just to let you all know, I'm not really one for adding in honorifics. I tend to write the names of certain shows down without adding in the -kun, -chan, -san parts to them. I feel a little off adding them in for certain reasons, so I stick to the English way of pronouncing the names. Hard to say why exactly in words. But I will still use the terms when writing down names like Ton-chan and Sawako's affectionate nickname of Sawa-chan, since those are already deeply etched in my heart. I will also use them if I am trying to make a parody about the language or when something is being overly sappy in sweetness.
Going Cold Turkey... Errr... Cake:
The door to the Light Music Club creaked open as Yui Hirasawa came in, holding her beloved under one arm. The Gibson Les Paul gleamed in the sunlight in absolute pristine condition. A truly beautiful instrument and tool of music.
Probably because Yui hardly played it, but anyway...
"Ahhh... Mugi!" Yui chirped upon sighting her blond friend with the others. Tsumugi turned around from her tea kettle to greet the energetic youth.
"Hello, Yui. What can I do for you?"
"Well, did you bring anything sweet for me to nibble on today? Me and Gitah have had a loooong day."
Instead of smiling and bringing out a treat, the blond started fidgeting in place. "Ahhh, Yui..." Tsumugi began. She averted her eyes towards a corner of the room.
"Yes?" Yui asked, oblivious to Tsumugi's nervousness.
"Errr... my family had a bit of a falling out with the people who used to provide us with cakes. Really big fiasco. It turns out that they were embez-"
"Cake? Here, cake! Come here, boy~!" Yui called into Tsumugi's bag like she was looking for a dog. Ritsu turned from her spot across the room.
"Wow. I knew Yui was dumb, but that's just really, really sad- OW!" Ritsu cried from the blow dealt by her friend (and sometimes romantic interest, depending on author), Mio.
"Don't go insulting her out in the open like that! And you act just as bad!" Mio shouted. Ritsu just blew her off and went back to watching Yui paw through Tsumugi's schoolbag
"So, Yui, about what I was trying to say... there's no cake here for today. I'm sorry," Tsumugi finally said.
"Oh," Yui said, more to herself than to anyone in the room. Then she smiled brightly. "Well, that's okay! We can always have something for next time! I don't mind you not having any sweets for today."
Tsumugi started to twirl a lock of her hair between two fingers. "...Actually, I'm not ever going to be able to get us anymore fancy cakes or cookies for a long time. Probably not ever. Yes... I hope you're not too disa-"
"Huh? But... But... That... N-No more of Mugi's delicious sweets! This isn't happening...THIS ISN'T HAPPENING! If I don't have my cake, I'm gonna... gonna..." Yui would have continued her rant had she not fainted and hit her head on the table while doing so. Azusa and Mio gaped, while Ritsu blinked several times.
"Oh, my god!" Azusa gasped, rushing over to pick up the fallen guitarist.
"...Hey, if she doesn't wake up, can I have her guitar?" Ritsu sweetly asked.
Mio's fist once again became wall-acquainted with Ritsu's skull.
Inside Yui's Mind...
Day one without cake...It's not too bad. I can survive without sweets for a while. I did so before high school. I shouldn't be mad at Mugi... But I'm slowly starting to go hungry. Nothing tastes quite the same without cake. I've even resorted to eating sand to calm my nerves... too dry. Must find a replacement for sugar soon...
The Next Day...
"So let me get this straight... You and your family really didn't have a falling out?" Mio asked with a raised eyebrow and a flat tone of voice.
"No," Tsumugi answered, bowing her head in shame.
"And Yui is passed out for nothing?" the bassist once again interrogated.
"...Yes," Tsumugi sighed.
"Why would you do this? I'd really like to know," Mio questioned, this time in an accusing tone of voice.
"Because Ritsu is always playing jokes on you, and Yui always messes around with Azusa. I just thought it be funny if I tried my hand at making a big joke for once. That's all."
"Hmmmmm. And you decided that saying that we would never have any of your top-quality desserts ever again would be a good start? Did you even see Yui at all today? She looked like a zombie walking around in the halls. Brrr..."
"Now that I look back on it, that probably wasn't such a good idea. But you all seem to keep upping the ante for good jokes! Remember when Yui tricked Azusa into eating so much sugar that she got incredibly hyper and believed it was raining acorns?"
Overhearing this, Azusa slammed down the teacup she was drinking from. "Hey, I remember that! She freaking dosed me with enough sugar to knock out a horse! I thought Jim Morrison and his army of iguanas was coming to eat my skin!"
"Oh, that was such a fun day!" Ritsu recalled. "And then you climb up a tree and hissed at us whenever we got too close. And then Sawa-chan brought out the hose and... So funny... Heh!"
"NO. No. No, no, no. No, it wasn't! The moment she comes in through that door, I'm gonna kick her ass!" Azusa fumed darkly, already plotting something horrible.
"Kitty is quite grouchy today..." Tsumugi mused. Mio just frowned and shook her head. Yui hadn't even shown up for today's club meeting at all. And true to her word, Yui had looked somewhat out of it earlier. She could only hope that nothing too crazy could come from this.
"Oh, she'll be just fine! You guys are thinking into this way too much. I bet Yui can go for a whole week without cake! Now onto more important matters," Ritsu exclaimed as she fixed Tsumugi with a serious stare. "...Can the rest of us still have cake though~?"
Back Inside of Yui's Mind... It's Really Empty in Here...
Day two. I've yet to find cake, but I found some yams. Why were they here? I don't know. But all I need is a frying pan, some matches, some sticks, and I can have a good yam stew going on... Why couldn't Ui get lost with me?
Real Life... Great Graphics, Terrible Gameplay...
"So do ANY of you know where Yui is? I haven't seen her since this morning! And she hasn't called me for food or help with her schoolwork in two minutes! I'm really getting worried!" Ui dramatically screamed in front of the others. Nodoka was also at her side, but she looked more annoyed with having to put up with Ui's whining than worrying about Yui.
"Well, I played a little trick on her a day ago, and she's been acting a little funny since then," Tsumugi explained. Ui immediately glared at her. Had this been a horror fic, there'd be lots of Mugi bits splattered all over a secluded location after the club meeting was over. Seeing Tsumugi cower under Ui's stare, Ritsu decided to take measures to placate the sibling.
"Oh, Yui's just great! She's fine, she's fine," she gingerly said. Ritsu would have said more, but was interrupted by the door suddenly being kicked open.
"I AM THE WALRUS! CHEESE!" Yui shouted in her daze, holding Ton-chan in one hand and a burning candle in the other. A small paper crown sat on her head. If one painted her bronze, she'd look like some cute demigod.
"...See? Normal!" Ritsu said. Ui simply scowled at her. Azusa, however, became filled with horror at the scene of Ton-chan in the grip of a crazed Yui. She gave a quick look back at Ton-chan's tank and gasped.
"SO THAT'S WHERE YOU'VE BEEN ALL THIS TIME!" she screamed, jabbing a finger at the little reptile. Yui ignored her friend's terror and began to march around the room.
"Yui, I don't know exactly what's going on in your mind," Nodoka started calmly, approaching Yui from the front, "but I'm going to have to ask you to put down the turtle before things get ugly. Please?"
Yui stared at Nodoka as though she had just woken up from a long nap. She gave no real indication that she had heard anything.
"Yui? Can you hear me?" Nodoka pressed on.
"Uhh... Errr..." she gabbled.
"Yui, just put down the turtle and-"
"LADY LIBRTY SHINES!"
Ritsu snagged back Nodoka just as Yui swung the candle at her like a club. Yui began spouting off several American-themed shouts about baseball and apple-pie while flailing in place. As she stopped to drool about the thought of pie, Ui went for Yui's legs and knocked her to the floor. Azusa caught an airborne Ton-chan in her hands just as Mio and Tsumugi dog-piled onto Yui as well.
"See? I told you everything was fine, Ui~!" Ritsu cheered as Yui continued to scream.
Inside Yui's Mind...
Day 574... I think. My friends have all turned against me. They even took the turtle I was going to make a soup out of. I've exhausted my supply of yams and I think I've forgotten how to pee. It's become quite hard to find cake now that I am no longer think properly done derp dee derp durrr...
"...Yui...Yui, wake up..." Mio's gentle voice said.
"She can't hear you... Let me do it... GET UP, YA FRIGGIN' JERKOFF!" Ritsu shouted, earning a slap from Mio. The insult worked, seeing as Yui bolted up off the foggy floor of the dark void she was currently in. Surrounding her were Ritsu, Mio, and Azusa. the only thing that was off was the fact that they were each wearing hooded black robes.
"Who are you?" Yui questioned. "And why are you cosplaying as characters from Kingdom Hearts?"
"We are the guardians of the cake, Yui Hirasawa. We have chosen to reward you after your lengthy quest of a total of thirteen square feet," Mio replied ominously.
"Not me, I'm just waiting for you to fall asleep so I can take advantage of you," Azusa spoke with a grin. Yui didn't seem to hear her, but a freaked out Ritsu sure as hell did.
"...What the fuck, Azusa?" she said.
"Cake, you say? I no longer need it. I've grown happy with my yams," Yui returned. She smirked, thinking it would make her look clever.
"...Those were sponges you took out of the cupboard at home. There were no yams to begin with," Ritsu observed flatly.
"...I understand~..." Yui smiled dumbly. The phantom that resembled Mio barfed a little in the back of her throat.
"Anyways, we are here to reward you and stuff...~ Yes~..." Ritsu continued, snapping her fingers and allowing frosting and chocolate to drip down from the skies. Mio and Azusa mimicked her, summoning sprinkles and oversized cookies. Yui looked on in total awe.
"Is it true? Are you really-"
"Yes, yes, now drink up, fatty," her friend with a large forehead encouraged, throwing Yui in a puddle of the stuff. The other two laughed and clapped.
"It IS! Oh, how I've missed you, sugar!" Yui danced frosting before taking off her clothes and allowing it to run all over her body. "I'M SO HAPPY~..."
MEANWHILE... AT THE SEWAGE-TREATMENT PLANT...
Mio, Tsumugi, Ritsu, Ui, Nodoka, and Azusa all watched in a stupor as their friend began skinny-dipping in public. Just a second ago, they watched her drink from a puddle of rainwater off the concrete ground.
It should be noted that Yui's sugar-deprived insanity only lasted for a total of three days.
"...Er... is she really-" Ui began weakly.
"Yes," Mio responded, left eye twitching.
"And is she-"
"Uh-huh."
"...And she's-"
"Yes."
"...Excuse me," Ui said, running off to bleach her eyeballs. Ritsu proceeded to go find a fishing-net to get Yui out of there before the blades turned her into paste with the bodily waste, algae, and stale water of the rest of the city.
While Mio was trying to fight off a minor aneurysm, Azusa was filming the whole thing on her cell-phone, a mischievous smile on her face. "I am sooooo saving this for later~..."
Having overheard that, Nodoka inched over to a concerned Tsumugi, who was still watching Yui's disturbing antics. "...Tsumugi? Can I ask you something? As Yui's childhood friend?"
"Yes? Anything!"
"Please. Just... never ever try to play a joke again."
"...I won't."
How to Measure a Treasure:
LIVE FROM SAKURA HIGH'S MUSIC ROOM... IT'S...
GOOD MORNING, KYOTO~!
The slightly drawled voice spoke, leaving the sound of a rather confusing applause track behind it.
"Good morning, Sakura High. I'm Yui Hirasawa," Yui spoke, dressed in a grey business suit as opposed to her uniform. She was also wearing a green visor on her head and Nodoka's glasses.
"And I'm Ritsu Tainaka!" Ritsu spoke in Yui's chicken costume... for some odd reason. Both were seated in some chairs at the table, with glasses of water set before them. There was also an empty ashtray on there.
"Today, we're going to settle an age-old question that has plagued our school since last week," Yui said with an air of drama.
"It's not that age old!" Mio shouted from off-screen.
"SHUT UP, BASS-PLAYER!" Ritsu growled back. "Anyway... Here is the question of the day!" The camera facing the duo swung back and faced a corner of the room, where Ui held up a cardboard sign written in Sharpie.
WHICH IS BIGGER: TSUMUGI'S EYEBROWS, MIO'S BREASTS, OR RITSU'S FOREHEAD?
"HEY! WHAT THE HELL?" Ritsu shouted as she jabbed a finger (feather?) at her co-host. "YUI, YOU TOLD ME THAT IT WAS JUST THEM IN THE QUESTION! YOU DIDN'T MENTION ANYTHING ABOUT DRAGGING MY FOREHEAD INTO THIS!" From off-screen, Mio's face flushed an obscure shade of red before she passed out.
"Well, it IS true..." Yui girlishly kicked her legs around from her seat.
"Please! Mugi's eyebrows aren't even as big as the other two, so they don't really count at all," Ritsu noted.
"Right!" Yui declared enthusiastically. Off-screen, Tsumugi cried heavily. She was talked about for five seconds at the most, and they didn't even pay attention to her.
"So anyway, I think Mio's boobs are clearly bigger than my forehead. I mean, come on, two is bigger than one!" Ritsu went on, waving a wing around. "Plus, everyone that attended the swimming party knows how huge they-"
"HEY!" Mio shouted, coming onscreen with a broom to beat the silence into Ritsu. Ui wrote on the back of a card and covered it over the fighting girls.
TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES, PLEASE STAND BY...
"I don't even know who the target demographic of this audience is," muttered a confused Nodoka, manning the main camera. "I can't even see all that well through this camera without my glasses. And I'm still wondering how they even got the okay to get a show of their own!"
Ui heard Nodoka's ramblings and shrugged at her. "Well, at least the studio audience seems to like it."
The camera panned over to the studio audience, which consisted of Azusa and Jun sitting in folding-chairs. Ton-chan sat near Azusa, using a bucket as a seat.
"Wow, what a great show!" Jun marveled, her fuzzy pigtails bobbing up and down. Azusa placed her chin on her fist and sighed. Ton-chan just wiggled her flippers.
After a bit, the show continued, and Ritsu came back on with a bandage on her forehead.
"And we're back!" Yui shouted.
"...Yes," Ritsu said. "Now as I said, her chest is clearly bigger. If I buried my head in there right now, you'd see my logic!"
"MMRMH!" Mio snarled from her spot across the room. During the short break, Tsumugi had managed to fish a straitjacket, leg irons, and a ball-gag out from Sawako's car and used them on the angry bassist.
...Why she had those things in her car, you may not want to know.
"I disagree, Ricchan. I mean-" Yui countered, raising up her hands. "They call it a forehead because you can fit four fingers across it. With you, it's something like six or seven! See, Ricchan?"
"Ummm, everyone, I'm still here. I have an opinion, if you'd like to hear it!" Tsumugi piped up. She was ignored, of course.
Ritsu pondered her statement for a moment. "...I think so. I mean, my head is rather large when you think about i- HEY!" the feathered musician shouted. From the so-called audience, Azusa poured another shot of vodka from the bottle that she had stored inside one of Jun's pigtails to survive this next on-screen brawl.
Hey, you'd drink, too, if you knew these people for a long time
"Ahhhh... Why is the room spinning?" Azusa asked with a smile.
"YAY! Fight, fight, fight~!" Jun cheered on.
Wiggle wiggle wiggle, went Ton-chan's feet
"Well, I'm just saying, Ricchan. It's not my fault you were born with a forehead the size of a dinner-plate!" Yui giggled, taking a sip of her water. "And with a head that big, you'd think you wouldn't make so many mistakes!"
"Yui..." Ritsu seethed.
"And your chest is pretty flat, too, so I'm thinking Mio's got you beat there in that department. Your head's bigger than hers anyway."
"Shut up if you desire to live, Yui..." Ritsu snarled, looking scary for a chicken.
"...I think you look a lot better as a chicken instead of me?"
"THAT'S IT, YUI, YOU'RE DEAD!" Ritsu shouted, preparing to attack. A strong hand on the shoulder stopped her. "Huh?"
Ui towered over Ritsu, eyes burning with the unquenchable fires of hell right behind them. "You make one move on my sister, and there won't even be enough of a body left for the authorities to convict me with."
This statement created enough of a chill in the room's occupants to rival that of the Ice Age's temperature. The only one who was not scared was Ritsu, who was either too brave or too stupid to fully comprehend the amount of danger she was in.
"I'm not scared of you, Ui! You don't have the guts to do anything on camera! You're a chicken! CHEEP CHEEP CHEEP CHEEP CHEEP~!" Ritsu taunted, flapping her wings around.
This was apparently far enough to bring out the yandere within Ui. "NOBODY POORLY IMITATES MY FAVORITE FARM ANIMAL!" she hollered out as she tackled Ritsu across the table and slid towards Yui like a bullet-train full of moe.
"Hey, stop fighting over my woman~!" Azusa drunkenly slurred, going unnoticed by all. Except for Ton-chan. Ton-chan knows all.
Fortunately for Yui, she managed to duck in time, and Ritsu and Ui were sent gliding right into an ill-placed lighting rig, smashing a bulb on the couch, and setting it ablaze.
"Uh-oh. Well, that's it for this week, tune in tomorrow when we cover the inferno, goodbye!" Yui shouted before grabbing Gitah and running out. The entire gang quickly fled the room and then the building.
...Well, almost everybody.
"MMMRRH! MRRRHM!" Mio shouted, muffled by her ball-gag, attempting to hop across the room to the door.
A/N: Again, thanks to ObsidianWarrior for helping me out with this fanfiction. You are epic, sir.
Next chapter, I shall fulfill a request. Hope you enjoyed these two long stories. Feel free to PM me if you have any ideas or suggestions that you'd like to see. I'd like to try and at least include every character in the show for this fanfiction.
See you all next time!