Multiverse

by Bobmin356

Godlike Harry? Super Luna? Nested Infinities and mind bending quantum mechanics. Mutant Pandas and Smiling Horcruxes, what else can you ask for? Its cracked!

2. Chapter 2

Standard Disclaimer:

Alyx looked around carefully, then she snuck up on the sleeping Bob. "Shhhh!" she said to the audience. "He's sleeping."

Grinning madly she grabbed a rope and started to pull on it. Slowly the 105mm Howitzer field artillery piece entered from the wings.

Positioning the gun just right she walked over to pull the lanyard.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you," Bob said softly.

Alyx turned and looked at him in shock. "Do what?"

He sat up from the bed and looked at the cannon. "You were going to use that to wake me weren't you?"

She leaned against the huge gun. "This? Oh no I wouldn't dream of it. I was... ummm... considering how it would look next to the coffee table!" she replied brightly. Then she quickly grabbed a bunch of flowers and put then into the mouth of the barrel.

Slowly the flowers slipped into the long barrel and vanished from sight.

"If you're going to try to convince me that it's a nice vase, it's not going to work," Bob said dryly.

Alyx huffed and changed the angle of the cannon to point directly at Bob. "Watch it..."

She trailed off as Bob smiled and pointed up. She glanced up to see a nuclear bomb hanging from a rope over her head and the rope was slowly unraveling.

Bob turned to the audience. "While Alyx and I rediscover the joys of detente, I'll just say, we don't own Harry Potter and start the chapter. Enjoy folks."

---

Diagon Alley, the Summer between First and Second Year...

Luna quickly spotted her prey and she moved to come in from behind.

The tall blond was moving with purpose towards the bookstore when he stopped dead in his tracks.

Luna moved to block his path. "Return home, I will speak with you there," she said trying to sound menacing.

Lucius nodded and turned to head back to the apparation point.

Luna watched him for a moment, then looked at the bookstore where she knew the Weasleys would be getting their books.

Her eyes glazed for a moment, then she turned and skipped towards the exit. Behind her, from the bookstore people could clearly hear Ron Weasley shout, "Gilderoy, my love! Kiss me!"

"And he had the nerve to call me Looney?" she muttered to herself.

Malfoy Shack, not far from well, the new Malfoy Shack...

Luna appeared not far from where Lucius had been living. The area still had premiere wards, and he had managed to finally clear away the burned rubble that had once been Malfoy Manor, home to some of the most prestigious events in Wizarding Society.

It was immediately apparent that Lucius was trying to reuse material salvaged from the first building to recreate the family home. It was also apparent that it really wasn't working out too well. The reconstruction efforts looked like someone was trying to put together the home using blind workers and plans drawn up by the three year old in crayon and glitter.

Shaking her head she turned to the current residence used by the head of the Malfoy family. It was in even worse shape than the reconstruction although it had the advantage of being professionally made. It just hadn't been made to handle years of continuous use.

Luna entered the small shack to find Lucius sitting blankly at a small table. "Sleep," she murmured towards the man and he slumped over, snoring loudly.

Luna frowned, she hated snoring and was ever so thankful that Harry rarely snored. Looking around she spotted her target.

With a wave of her hand, a foul looking specter rose from the small book.

"Who dares?"

"Oh do shut up," Luna snapped. "Harry and I could be having a barbeque followed by hours in our hot tub and some wild sex. But no, you have to be dealt with first."

Voldemort's specter recoiled from Luna, but it was firmly held by her magic. Luna set about humming to herself while she tore the mind within the spirit to pieces and slowly rebuilt it. Finally done, she turned to Lucius.

"I think it's time you become interested in history my friend," she murmured. "Those that forget the past are liable to be eaten by three toed wifflehumpers. Oh and from now on, before you go to bed you will put carrots up your nose to prevent snoring."

She paused and smiled, then with a gesture she burned that statement into Lucius' subconscious. Let him puzzle that one for a while, lord I wish Harry were here to hear that, I love the look on his face when I say something like that! She thought.

After her real mum had died in that fire she had taken to inventing strange animals just to get a reaction from her father who had slipped into a depression over the loss of his wife. However with Harry's power she found that sometimes, if she caught him off guard, she could say something and he'd inadvertantly create the creature using his power.

Now in every universe they visited she brought multiple breeding pairs of Celestial Snorkacks. Someday she hoped Harry would make a Great Green Land Whale, she was really curious to see what it looked like. It was no longer a bid for attention, Harry really went out of his way to spoil her. No, now her animal inventions were merely for her own personal amusement.

Wain Manor...

Luna entered the large sitting room to find Harry staring down at a large book. The viewing mirror currently showed the headmaster's office.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm trying to confirm something. Did you know Skele-grow can be addicting?"

Luna sat down and smiled at the cup of tea that appeared in front of her. He was always taking care of her and this was just a prime example of it.

"I suppose it's possible," she said slowly, "but I can't see anyone taking enough..."

She trailed off and her eyes widened. "Merlin, you don't mean!"

"I don't know for certain, I overheard Poppy talking about it to Minerva, they are on their way to the old goat's office now to discuss it," he admitted, then waved to the book. "I was checking Moste Potente Potions to see what it had to say. So far all I can tell is that without a missing bone the potion does nothing at all, it's like all the ingredients are totally inert."

Luna nodded. "That would make sense, after all a potion meant to grow bones could be dangerous to someone who didn't have a missing bone."

Harry looked at Luna with a piercing glare and she had the grace to look away. "I know, it was a mistake, the person who invented the potion was a muggle born and still had a little logic left in them. We do try to beat it out of them you know."

Harry arched an eyebrow and smirked. "Well right..." he replied smugly. "Until they met Hermione."

She nodded, feeling just a bit jealous. "Yes yes, she was one student that they couldn't sway to their point of view. I swear Harry, sometimes I think you really wanted her instead of me."

Harry gave her a hurt look. "Luna, I didn't want one of you over the other. Had our Hermione been alive I would have demanded both of you and prayed we'd be able to work something out. You remember what things were like in England for us at the end. Hunted, hungry and constantly afraid."

Luna sighed and nodded guiltily. Harry, her Harry and from what she had seen of all the other Harry's didn't have jealous bone in his body. He had somehow even indulged one of her fantasies by creating a copy of himself so she could experience two lovers instead of just one.

Harry reached forward and took her hand in his. "What did I tell you about what we'll do when we're finally done?"

"Find a nice place to live, raise a family and maybe work on a book about magical animals and rule the world," she whispered.

"Do you believe me?"

She nodded. "I'm sorry, but sometimes..."

He stopped her with a gentle finger to her lips. "It would have been nice to save Hermione too, but it wasn't possible. We'll have our family and our time together, maybe we'll name one of our daughters Hermione Selene after our friend and your mum."

She hurtled into his arms and crushed herself against him. There was only a touch of seer left in her blood, but she could see the pretty blond green eyed girl clearly in her mind. And behind her another daughter and a son. What puzzled her about that image was the other daughter had frizzy brown hair.

Harry pulled her into his lap and cuddled with her. Even after all this time she was still a bit insecure about her place in his world. She knew Harry loved her and she knew that even if Hermione had been added into their group, he would have still loved her. It was something she thought about often.

Both looked up when they heard a voice from the viewing mirror.

Headmaster's Office, Hogwarts...

"Come!"

The door opened admitting Minerva and Poppy Pomfrey.

Dumbledore waited until both women were settled and an elf had delivered tea for them.

Minerva avoided looking directly at the old man. Every time she did, that sign appeared over his head with that weird word that she didn't understand.

"Ladies?"

"Headmaster, Poppy brought something to my attention that I think you need to be made aware of," Minerva said formally.

"Oh?" he said, then turned to look at Poppy.

Poppy put down her cup. "I was examining our potion stores just like I do before the start of every term. Normally the preterm inventory should show a bottle of Skele-grow potion with 50 doses in the bottle. The bottle was freshly brewed near the end of last term but it contained less than 20 doses.

"It was confusing, but then I checked my records from last year and realized that I might have inadvertently caused a big problem. It happens from time to time among healers and even muggle doctors, it's not something we're happy about, but we do strive to avoid it."

"Avoid what my dear?" asked Dumbledore.

"Sir, according to my records, Professor Snape required 78 doses of Skele-grow last term. I cannot understand how he managed to damage himself so badly but I also cannot escape the conclusion that I have aided one of my patients in becoming addicted to a potion."

She knew exactly why Snape required so many doses, but she was not about to admit to all the wand misfires she had experienced last year.

Dumbledore blinked, he had expected a lot of things from Poppy, but never that!

"Addicted?"

Poppy nodded sadly. "Skele-grow addiction is terrible. If he continues to use the potion his bones will eventually become highly elastic. Weaning him off of the potion will be a terribly painful process, one that we're not really suited to handling here. Frankly the best bet would be for him to voluntarily check himself into St. Mungos potion abuse clinic, but I can't see Severus even admitting to the problem."

Dumbledore leaned back in his chair allowing Poppy to see the smiley face scar. She frowned, she had tried on a number of occasions to get the headmaster in for a check up and he had refused.

"We really can't force Severus to enter the potion abuse clinic," he murmured.

Poppy nodded unhappily. "I know, but we need to do something Headmaster, as it stands I don't have enough potion to last the whole year and I'm reluctant to ask Severus to make more. He'd only end up making extra to feed his habit and because he's been making our potions for years I do not have a budget that will allow the purchase of the potion. It's rather expensive you know."

Dumbledore nodded and pulled a small book out of his desk which he quickly consulted. "I will authorize your purchase of the potion and before it arrives I will come to the infirmary to place a barrier ward on your potions cabinet. The ward will only allow myself and whomever I key into it access. We have very limited discretionary funds, but I think we can cover this."

He paused and Poppy nodded in relief. "Now then," he continued, "what shall we do about Severus? If your suspicions are correct then we need to help him."

Poppy frowned. "I'm not sure Headmaster, until he's willing to admit to having a problem, it's impossible to force him into treatment."

Dumbledore frowned deeply, the odds of a private man like Severus admitting to any kind of problem, lot alone an addiction were doubtful in the extreme. Something had to be done!

Potions Office, Hogwarts...

Snape sighed in relief as the pain of the potion kicked in. He watched his pinky being regrown. It was the 38th time this summer he had vanished that bone and it still grew back perfectly! Magic was a wondrous thing indeed!

Standing carefully, he walked over to the door. He had noticed that one of his legs had developed a distinct wobble, but he was sure it wasn't anything to worry about. No, it was time to start working on his plans for tormenting the students in the coming year. Oh joy!

Wain Manor...

"So Snape's a junkie and Dumbledore is being forced to spend money he doesn't want to spend. What about the other loose ends?" asked Luna.

Harry looked away from the mirror and faced her. "Other loose ends?"

She sighed heavily, Harry had new plans, she could read him like a book. She paused and nearly giggled, yes she could read him like a book, a low grade porn novel she thought, but then I think I can be even smuttier than he can.

"Loose ends Harry, Pettigrew, Barty Crouch Jr, Bellatrix and so on?"

He smiled at her and she resisted the urge to cast a stinging hex at him. He was immune to human magic and she really didn't want to get into a fight with someone that can turn her bunny slippers into ravenous flesh eating footwear.

"All in good time Luna, we've taken out the main spirit of Voldemort. You've essentially disarmed the diary although that still needs to be played out. Bellatrix is in prison and no one is going to break her out. Wormtail and Crouch will be dealt with during forth year during the tournament..."

"You're going to make Harry compete?" she exclaimed. In all of the universes they had visited he had stopped Harry from competing in the tournament. In some cases he even blew up the Goblet of Fire in an explosion strong enough to remove Dumbledore, Snape and Karkarov from the scene permanently. Since Dumbledore's death in those cases had been unintentional, Harry managed to skirt by without invoking the wrath of GOD Inc.

"Relax," Harry said softly, he made a motion with his hands to calm down. "I thought about it and in the past we usually just assassinated a bunch load of people, leaving the wizarding world to ponder a major mystery. That bothered me. This time we'll do it right, yes Harry is going to compete. My first inclination was to have the Goblet spit out hundreds of names including every student except Harry and Hermione, but that would only draw attention to them by reason of omission."

"Harry," she chided gently, "the tournament is dangerous."

He nodded. "It is very dangerous, and Harry's going to be very mad. But you'll explain to him that he's protected."

"You want us to speak to Harry?" she exclaimed? They had never talked to their principle since they started universe hopping.

"Not as Luna, no. You'll explain to Harry in your angel form that someone very high up is taking a personal interest in his safety and he'll come to no harm. You might also have to talk to Hermione, but I'm sure she'll come on board quickly enough."

He sat up and looked at her intently. "Look Luna, I was never sure about Dumbledore. I can honestly say that if Crouch hadn't put my name in the Goblet, Dumbledore might have still arranged for me to be in it. If my plan works the way I want it to, this will all be done by the end of forth year.

"Harry will be living with Sirius. Dumbledore will be disgraced and be the sole remaining Horcrux. The death eaters will be dead and the threat eliminated. The only thing left for us to do at that point will be to sit back and enjoy watching Harry grow up with his best friend at his side."

She frowned. "But you're leaving a Horcrux behind."

He waved a hand dismissing her complaint. "Don't worry, I have plans for that as well."

She nodded a bit warily, then brightened when a box appeared on the coffee table.

He looked at her with a wide disarming grin. "Chutes and Ladders? Winner gets a sensual massage and a nite of whatever they desire?"

She nodded happily, Harry was terrible at this game and never won, but he kept trying!

Malfoy Shack, August 30th...

Lucius Malfoy had tried for weeks to fight the urge, but he could fight it no longer.

He pulled out a small quill and a bottle of ink, then he opened the book and began to write.

I, Lord Lucius Caesar Malfoy, Lord of the all of this domain, claim this book for my personal use. Let none touch it lest they be cursed, he wrote.

Lucy snookums! Wrote back the book.

Lucius frowned and made to throw the book away from him. Suddenly he stopped and with a slight whimper he opened the book again. Master? He wrote.

I'm back boobbala, penned the book. We're going to have so much fun Lucy. But first, have you gotten any piercings? I really like piercings but it's so hard to get any when I'm trapped in this book!

Lucius blinked and quickly wrote. No I have no piercings, but Sire, if that is your wish...

As the book explained, Lucius winced and nodded like a dutiful slave. It would be hard, but self piercings with rusty fish hooks was feasible. It was what the master commanded.

It was obvious that the Malfoy slogan of "We bow before no one." had been long forgotten.

Kings Cross Station, Sept 1st...

Harry met up with Hermione and to the surprise of her parents, she threw herself into his hug.

It had been a decent summer for Harry, if a bit boring and despite his hopes he hadn't managed to hook up with Hermione during the summer except for a single day in Diagon Alley.

Surprisingly the obstacle to Harry staying with Hermione wasn't Dumbledore, it was her parents. They barely knew the boy and her father was naturally wary of any boy hanging around his daughter.

"I think we need to rethink the 'Harry' situation," Emma Granger said softly to her husband.

Daniel Granger observed his daughter hugging Harry and he nodded unhappily. "I guess it wouldn't hurt to get to know the lad better," he mused. "Hermione seems to like him a lot."

"And he likes her," added Emma. "Did you see his smile? It looked like someone had just told him he'd won an award."

Dan grunted and waved as Hermione and Harry boarded the train just as it started to pull away from the station. He sighed and motioned his wife towards the exit. Passing through the crowd he couldn't help but notice two red heads in wizard robes standing around in public looking bewildered.

"I know I parked it right here Molly!" Arthur said.

In another corner of the station Malfoy stood and quickly wrote in his book.

Mudbloods and Muggle lovers all of them Master, they are on the train heading up to that old fool's school.

They will get what's coming for them soon Lucy. But now you need to find more fishhooks! Replied the book. Soon it will be time to reveal the mighty Beast of Slytherin!

Lucius nodded and hurriedly left the station.

Wain Manor...

Luna looked up from the viewing mirror and gave a small sigh. Her counterpart in this universe had been sorted and welcomed into Ravenclaw finally.

"I'm sorry," Harry said softly. "I know how much it bothers you that we come back early enough to save your mum, but we're not allowed to prevent her death."

She gave him a weak smile. "I know, if we could we'd save your parents as well, but it's just not possible."

"Look at it this way, Luna's in Ravenclaw and it already looks like she'll find a friend with Harry and Hermione."

Luna glanced up at the mirror where she saw Luna explaining something to Harry who was nodding and motioning for her to continue. She smiled at that, she had been a lonely little girl at Hogwarts and it wasn't until her fourth year that she really made some friends.

"Now what's this about Ron?" he asked.

Her smile turned sheepish. "Well you know he invented that name for me?"

Harry nodded slowly and tried to look stern. "Luna, you sabotaged the invisibility charm on the car, then you deliberately made that RAF training flight go off course so they would spot the flying car. They chased him all the way to Hogwarts before they got permission to fire a missile at him.

"He's shot down over the castle and crashes into the ground just above the Slytherins dorms. The damage is so bad the dorms are flooding. And to make matters worse, Muggles are searching for the wreckage. It's only the anti-muggle wards that are keeping them out of the forest and finding the castle."

Luna peered at him. "Your complaining about me creating a little mayhem?" she asked incredulously.

He shook his head. "No I'm just marveling at how much mayhem you managed to cause with only two spells."

He smiled at her and she felt a flutter inside. "I can't take all the credit for it, you taught me the spell that made those aeroplanes fly the wrong way. As for Ron, well I hated that name. It set the tone for my early years at school. Things didn't get better for me until I met you in the DA."

He smiled and pulled her hand up to kiss it. "One of the best things to ever happen to both of us," he murmured.

He sat next to her and nodded towards the mirror. "Did you see the way Snape was walking? The man looks like a drunken sailor on the pitching deck of a ship and he still refuses to acknowledge a problem. All the professors pretend to not notice his wobbly gait. They are all afraid of mentioning it to him."

"What are you intending to do about it?" she asked. "He's only going to keep vanishing his pinky and regrowing it, plus he can always make more."

"True true, but he'll need a cauldron for that and I've removed all the cauldrons from the castle. Tomorrow he'll discover that all of the cauldrons, including the student owned ones are missing. He'll have to report it to the Headmaster, who will have to dig into his funds to buy new ones."

Luna snickered and leaned over to cuddle with him while they watched Harry and Hermione interact with Luna. It warmed her heart to know that she would have friends right from the outset of school instead of having wait until her forth year and the start of the DA.

Headmaster's Office, Hogwarts, Sept 2nd...

"Come!"

The door opened and Severus Snape wobbled into the room. "Headmaster, you must summon the aurors! Someone has stolen our cauldrons!"

Dumbledore stared at Snape for a moment then shook his head as if to deny what the man had said. "I beg your pardon?"

Snape plopped down in a chair opposite the old man and scowled thunderously. "I went into the cauldron storage room this morning before class. It was empty! Someone has removed all of the cauldrons! Even the ones belonging to the students."

Dumbledore stared at the man. "You mean to say that over 500 cauldrons have disappeared? Sippy!"

A small elf appeared with a pop. "Yes sir Master Smiley Foreheadmaster?"

Dumbledore scowled, the elves had changed his name from his preferred 'Lord Hogwarts' to this abomination. "Yes Sippy, do you know anything about the cauldrons that have gone missing?"

Sippy shook his head so violently his ears flapped. "No sir Master Smiley Foreheadmaster! Weze not touch any cauldrons, oh no sir! Should Sippy iron his hands sir oh mighty smiley one?"

"No Sippy, no ironing is required this time, and thank you for coming so promptly, you may go about your duties now."

Sippy bowed and vanished with another pop.

"I already asked the elves," Snape said acidly.

"A second questioning won't hurt my dear boy. I will summon the aurors, but you realize that we'll need to cancel your classes until they are done with their investigation?"

"Yes yes, just call them already. I can't teach potions with no cauldrons!" Snape snarled, then he stood and wobbled from the room.

Reluctantly the old man arose and walked over to the floo, he really didn't want aurors nosing about his school.

Wain Manor...

Harry opened the door to their sitting room and stopped dead in his tracks. On the viewing mirror he could see Hermione and Luna sitting on Hermione's bed.

"That was quite a book you gave me Hermione," Luna said with a slight blush.

"Yes, Harry gave me that last year, but I could say the same for you Luna, the photos of the Celestial Snorkacks were outstanding. I never would have believed it if I hadn't seen it for myself."

"Hermione?"

Hermione was shaking her head and marveling at the book in her lap of exotic magical animals that Luna had loaned her. She noted it even contained a reference to a magical giant panda.

She looked up from the book. "Yes?"

"Do you think Harry likes girls? I mean he likes you, but I never noticed him looking at us as anything other than friends."

Hermione frowned. "Luna, I know he likes girls, he was the one that showed me that particular book. He's a boy, so he's slow and shyer than most boys too. Why do you ask?"

Luna shivered slightly and Hermione started to worry. "There's this boy in Gryffindor, he's a first year. I noticed him following Harry a lot with his eyes. But a few days ago he stopped me in the library. He said he wanted to get to know me and he thought I was cute. The way he looked at me made me feel... dirty? Uncomfortable. I think he only really wants to use me to get closer to Harry."

Hermione scowled. "What is his name?"

"Colin Creepy or Creaky... Something like that."

Hermione reached out and placed a comforting hand on Luna's shoulder. "Luna, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. If this boy bothers you, stay away from him and tell him to stay away from you. If it gets too bad Professor Flitwick will speak to him.

"As for Harry, he's a boy, they don't mature as fast as we do. He'll get there eventually, but right now his main priority is his friends. He doesn't have a lot of them and each one to him is a treasure. Harry and I both consider you our friend, he'll help you if you let him."

Luna nodded, relieved that Hermione's comments didn't reveal any hidden motives. She was highly empathic and could sense when someone was hiding something from her. Between Harry and Hermione she now knew she had good friends that could stand with her no matter what.

Harry waved a hand and the mirror faded back to normal, then he turned to his Luna.

"What was that all about? You yell at me for trying to hook Harry up with both of those girls, then I find you doing the same thing?" he asked.

His Luna shuddered slightly and he noted her eyes were glazed over. He sighed and waited for her to come out of it. She was casting magic at people and objects at a great distance and she always entered into a trance when she did this.

Slowly her eyes lost their glaze and she shivered deeply. "That was truly disturbing."

He sat next to her and took her hand in his own. "What was?"

"Colin Creevy, he was hitting on Luna. He's only eleven and his mind is already a cesspool! I spotted him hitting on Luna the other day and decided to look into it. He wanted to 'use' her to get closer to Harry, and I do mean 'use her'," she said in disgust.

Harry's expression grew distasteful. He remembered Colin as an annoying fan boy. He was one of the few 'light' side people that Harry actually was pleased about when he was killed by a giant.

"Alright but why have Hermione and Harry give Luna that book. You know what kind of ideas that's going to generate. I thought you didn't want them forming a trio like that."

Luna gave him a piercing look. "Dear, I would rather Harry, Hermione and Luna have wild three way orgies every night than to let her be lulled into trusting a boy that only wants to use her. Harry and Hermione like Luna, they would never deliberately hurt her. I'll admit that by nudging them to loan her that book I pushed them a little closer to forming a triplet, but it was the only way I could see to bring them closer together in time to prevent Luna from getting hurt by Colin."

"You know what this means don't you?"

Luna looked over at him and eyed him warily. "What?"

He leaned closer. "I win the bet." he said in a whisper.

Luna rolled her eyes and groaned. She had forgotten about that dratted bet she had made. "Alright, what's it going to cost me?"

Harry looked up at the ceiling with a wide smile. "Oh maybe a week or two of Naughty School Girls. Or we could play Pirates and Maidens."

Luna winced. "Alright, School Girls, you know that ship makes me sea sick."

Harry nodded happily, he'd get to play Naughty School Girls and little Harry just might luck out after all.

Headmaster's Office, Hogwarts, Sept 5th ...

Dumbledore looked down at the requisition that Snape had placed on his desk and scowled. The Aurors were still looking into the missing cauldrons but had not found them yet. Meanwhile Snape had put together a request to buy the bare minimum needed to keep the classes open as well as provide for the school in general.

This would pretty much empty their discretionary funds. He'd have no choice but to ask the board for more funds to be allocated. The staff were not going to be pleased, traditionally their Christmas bonuses came from that fund. It was one way he used to keep the school on a tight budget. No teacher wanted to spend their bonus no matter how dedicated they were.

Damn, he thought. If only the stupid goblins weren't such sticklers for paperwork, I'd have access to the Potter vault and be able to replace this money without alerting the board!

The Goblins insisted on seeing the will before they would acknowledge his position as Harry's guardian, but he had sealed the will and couldn't unseal it without permission from the Wizengamot. That would leave him open to questions he did not want to answer.

Grabbing a quill he signed the request with a growl, then he pushed it back towards Snape.

"When will they arrive?"

"Now that I have this approval, I should be able to have enough cauldrons on hand in a week Headmaster," Snape said smoothly.

"Very well, see that a notice is placed in every common room. And I expect you to oversee the distribution of the cauldrons to the students," replied Dumbledore.

"Headmaster," Snape said in agreement, then he stood and wobbled from the office.

"You know it's possible he sold those cauldrons to pay for his addiction," said Phineas Nigellus from his spot on the wall. "I don't like addicts, you can't trust them."

Dumbledore grunted sourly, that thought had occurred to him as well. And he was well aware that his potions master was using a spell to give himself some support.

"1450 Galleons to replace 400 cauldrons, the board is not going to be happy about this," he muttered. "At least the Auror report will help the board to recognize the problem."

Dumbledore scowled at the door and considered how to approach the board for additional funding.

Malfoy Shack Sept 12th ...

"Engorgio!"

Lucius stared at himself, he had never used the engorgio spell on this particular part of himself so many times before. He wondered if he had, perhaps things might have been better between him and Narcissa. They might even have more children, instead of Draco the carrot, laying next to the Longbottom potatoes.

"More fishhooks!" commanded the book in his mind. "We must perfect our beast before you unleash it on those fools!"

"Yes master," Lucius said with a whimper, then he reached for another fish hook. It was one of those triple hooked ones, he hated those! The master would not let him get away with just the one piercing.

The book was nearly complete with it's download into Lucius' mind. Soon he could leave the book behind and begin his reign of terror!

Hogwarts Potions classroom, Sept 13th...

Snape waited until every student filed into the room. Class was more than a week late, but finally it was starting again. With a heavy scowl he faced the class of fifth years.

"When I call your name from the roll, come over here and select a cauldron from the pile," he said, then he used his wand to open the door behind him.

"Anderson, Sarah," he called.

A pretty blond stood and walked over to the room and stared inside.

"Professor?" she said timidly.

"Well girl are you a complete dunderhead? Grab a cauldron so I can call the next person," he snapped.

"Professor, the room is empty," replied Sarah in a frightened squeak.

Snape turned so fast his legs twisted together like a pretzel, the tension quickly whipped him back around in the opposite direction and he was flung into a wall face first. He slid to the ground moaning and dazed.

By the time he came to Dumbledore was already in the room, examining the cauldron storage room. Snape knew immediately he was in trouble since no one was paying any attention to him.

Sighing unhappily Dumbledore turned to the class. "I'm sorry, but it looks like Potions is canceled yet again. I'm quite afraid that we will not be able to replace your cauldrons this term. While I don't want to alarm you, Potions may not resume until next term. Now I'll suggest you return to your common rooms or go to the library."

Dumbledore waited patiently for the student to file out. While that was happening, Snape tried to stand on legs that suddenly had the consistency of rubber.

Once the last student had left the room Dumbledore turned to Snape with an angry expression. It would have been perfect in cowering Snape except for the fact that the Smiley Face was staring at him with crossed eyes and was sticking out it's tongue.

"Severus," Dumbledore began painfully, "I know it's not easy admitting one has a problem, but resorting to thievery to support your addiction is not the answer."

"But headmaster..."

"Enough! I have been patience but you are clearly addicted to Skele-grow Severus, I and the others have tried to look the other way in the hopes that you'd come to your senses and ask for help. Look at yourself man! You can barely walk, your bones remind me of a muggle toy called Gumby! You don't walk, you wobble! And this... this... How am I to explain to the board that we must replace the cauldrons again!"

Dumbledore paused and took a deeper breath to calm himself. "Here is what you are going to do. You are going to check yourself into St. Mungos for treatment. In the meantime Potions class is canceled. When you finally return you will be docked 50 percent of your pay until all of the missing cauldrons have been paid for. If you don't do this, I'll turn you over to the Aurors and we both know that you won't last long through their questioning. Azkaban is quite chilly this time of year."

Dumbledore's gaze pinned him down like a bug. "Am I understood?"

Snape, his face ashen, nodded. "Yes Headmaster."

"Fine, Hagrid will take over your house in your absence."

Snape winced and nodded tearfully.

Dumbledore glared for a moment longer, the spun on his heel and walked from the room

"I don't have a problem," Snape mumbled as he vanished his pinky and reached for his vial of potion.

Wain Manor...

"I see you managed to get rid of Snape already."

Harry looked up from his Batman comic book and grinned at her. "Yes it was rather easy although I'm afraid his treatment is going to take a little longer than normal."

She nodded, she had expected he'd do something like this.

"I have to admit, the potions addiction was rather amusing," she offered. "But you're hurting the entire school by..."

She stopped and stared. Harry was shaking a finger at her. "Ah ah ah! You should know better. Hermione has already organized a study group. Its being copied by the older Claws and will soon be copied by the other houses as well. In a way I've done them all a favor. By taking away the practical portion of Potions until the new year, the students have to take a closer look at the theory, which you know Snape refused to teach to anyone but his snakes."

Luna thought about that for a moment, then she acknowledged the point. "Well I just thought you might want to know that you're not the only one that can play."

Harry arched and eyebrow and looked at her in anticipation. "Oh?"

She pushed a copy of the Daily Prophet across the coffee table towards him. He picked it up and read a very interesting and rather alarming article about a researcher who had discovered that a major mistake had been made concerning one of the founding fathers of Hogwarts.

It seems that many old texts had been mistranslated, and people kept perpetuating the mistake. Slytherin's house wasn't the house of Snakes like so many had believed. No it was the house of the Snails.

It seems that Salazar Slytherin had been an avid herbologist and he had opted to use a Snail as his house totem in honor of his favorite field.

"Snails," Harry whispered, then he started to laugh. Its hard to be afraid of a Dark Wizard who liked Snails. Sometimes tearing down reputations was almost as much fun as tearing down people.

Luna preened, it wasn't every day that she managed to catch Harry by surprise. If she knew the ideas running through Harry's head she would have never attempted to sully Sally's reputation.

Gringotts, Diagon Alley...

Lucius Malfoy had a problem. Forgetting the vegetable for a son and a dead wife, he now had a deranged Dark Lord taking up residence in his head. This isn't to say that the Dark Lord wasn't deranged to start with, but after having played with Luna, his mental stability was leaning far to the left, and twirling, counter clockwise, to the tune of the Llama Song.

"Left left left right left," chanted Voldemort.

Lucius dutifully followed his master's chants and marched up the steps to Gringotts.

"Left left left right left. I don't know but it's been said, Goblin Gold is mixed with lead," chanted Voldemort.

Lucius marched to the front door, repeating his master. "I don't know but it's been said, Goblin Gold is mixed with lead."

The guards eyed the strangely garbed wizard and growled in anger. Now they were used to unusually dressed wizards, but they had never seen one wearing a cod piece before, let alone one the size of a country fair award winning pumpkin. And what he was saying was grounds for war!

"Are you sure about this Master?" asked Lucius fearfully. The Goblin guards were eying him and sharpening their weapons.

"Of course I'm sure," Voldemort replied using Lucius to speak. "This is the ultimate revenge, we give all your money away to people like Potter and let them deal with the headache. You don't need money when you have me!"

"I live to serve master. Your wish is my command."

"Yes yes I understand that, now step forward and tell that foul goblin what to do."

The foul goblin looked up at Lucius and glared at him, then he pressed a button on the underside of his desk.

"You there foul Goblin," commanded Lucius, "I want you to transfer all of my money into the Potter vaults. Be quick about it!"

"You are aware that once the money has been moved, it's no longer yours?"

"Yes yes, now do as I command or I shall unleash Slytherin's beast upon you!"

The goblin's eyes narrowed and he scribbled a note on a piece of parchment, then he sent it flying away.

"The money will be moved within the hour sir, now if you'll be good enough to follow me, we shall attend to the remainder of your vault contents," the Goblin snarled.

"Are there any fishhooks in the vaults?" Voldemort blurted out.

The goblin growled. "No! Now follow me please."

Lucius nodded slightly and followed the Goblin down a dimly lit corridor and into a large room where eight burly goblins jumped him and set about beating him.

A hour later and now sporting some wonderfully colorful bruises, an obliviated Lucius Malfoy was pushed out of the rear entrance of Gringotts and left to moan in a puddle.

Voldemort's remained conscious throughout the beating, screaming and threatening the goblins with death and destruction. It never once occurred to him that his threats were the reason the beating lasted as long as it did.

Wain Manor...

"So Harry's rich and it didn't take you putting any of your money into Harry's account," commented Luna.

"It always bothered me that Harry had so little," he replied. "Hell it bothered me about my own accounts. They talked about how I had a trust vault and all that other stuff, but by the time I left school the trust was nearly gone and I found Dumbledore had been helping himself to my family vault to pay for his Order. He nearly bankrupted me. Plus the goblins..."

Luna nodded and reach out for his hand. She knew he was still angry at the Goblins. He had extended a hand of friendship to Griphook and he had betrayed him. When the goblins tried to make him pay for the damages, he submitted to Gringotts a bill for saving the bank from Voldemort. The goblins went insane seeing a bill that was larger than the combined GNP of the G8.

"You won't have to worry about it this time. The Malfoy fortune will see him through."

Harry nodded absentmindedly.

"What are you thinking about?" she asked.

"I'm wondering if I shouldn't use my influence to relocate half of Harry's money to another bank," he replied.

"Meaning you intend to go into Gringotts and intimidate them into cooperating," she countered.

He grinned back at her and she sighed. "You never grow up," she muttered affectionately.

"If I did grow up, you'd be bored," he replied smugly, then he bowed with a flourish and vanished from view. She shivered in response, his magic was in a class by itself and it always turned her on when she witnessed it at close hand.

She sat on the couch facing the mirror and waved a hand causing it to switch perspectives to follow Harry, then she reached for her cup of tea.

Harry appeared on the front steps of Gringotts. He stood for a moment taking in the scenery and enjoying the level of panic he was creating. He glowed brightly and his magic was causing the ground to ripple in waves, but that wasn't was caused the panic. No, he radiated magic so intense most wizards were made nauseous just by being close to him plus his features were obscured by his halo.

He slowly turned and every single door to Gringotts snapped open, then he climbed the stairs. Several goblins swarmed out of the building, only to vanish from sight.

Luna shook her head in dismay. Harry really didn't like Goblins!

Harry turned at the top of the stair and looked directly at Luna with a slight smirk. Luna pursed her lips in a pout. She wasn't aware that Harry knew she could watch him. With a huff she waved to turn off the mirror, there was no fun in watching him if he knew she was watching!

It wasn't until much later that she learned that Harry had threatened to shrink the Goblin race. They were extremely sensitive about their height and Harry threatened to reduce them down to one foot. He demonstrated the technique on a brigade of Goblin warriors that tried to kill him, then offered to do the same to the royal family. Needless to say Harry got his way that afternoon and the Goblins had a new boogy man to scare their children with. Mirshak Ekak, Goblin Bane, the King Shrinker.

The greatest thing was he did that and and they didn't know who he was. So even after scaring them silly, Harry Nargle was still one of their most valued customers.

It could have been worse, in one universe he summoned Grishnak, the Goblin Deity, and then he tortured the poor creature whose power didn't come close to Harry's. Those Goblins really wished they had listened to him when he first asked politely.

St. Mungos Potion Addiction Treatment Center, Oct 1st...

Severus Snape reluctantly checked himself into the clinic last night after Dumbledore threatened to turn him over to the aurors again.

"Mr. Snape?"

"Yes?"

"I'm to take you to one of our best therapists. Professor Dumbledore fire called and asked that we take special care of you.

"Very well," Snape replied unhappily. He followed the small woman into another room where there was a hard examination table. He was also a bit uneasy about Dumbledore asking for special treatment for him.

"Please remove your outer robe and lay face down on the table. Mistress Natasha will be in shortly."

Snape sighed and did as he was told. He had surrendered his wand when he checked in and his wandless magic was really quite weak, he felt defenseless and exposed but there was nothing he can do about it.

Laying face down on the table the woman waved her wand and suddenly his arms and legs were strapped down.

"What?"

"Just standard procedure Mr. Snape, we don't want you accidentally injuring yourself," said the woman reassuringly.

"I'm not liking this," Snape muttered.

The woman smirked at him. "I dare say your opinion of this won't get any better," she replied with a slight chuckle, then she turned and left the room.

Snape looked around warily. He was strapped face down on a table and unable to move. "When I get my hands on Albus."

"I am Natasha Collington," said a sultry voice. "But you will call me Mistress, or Lady Natasha."

He tried to see the person but she was in a position he couldn't turn to see. Suddenly the table moved and tilted until he was hanging up against the wall. His clothing was vanished except for his boxers.

"Hey!" he protested.

There was a blinding flash of pain in a thin line across his buttocks. "Silence! I will talk and you will listen. Dog! Cur! Weak minded potion addict!"

There was a whistling sound and his buttocks exploded in pain again. "Will you drink a potion?"

"What?" exclaimed Snape.

Again the pain exploded across his buttocks. "Will. You. Drink. A. Potion," she said, each word accented by a strike against his bum.

The woman moved into his field of view. "Weak spineless fool. Look at you, youngest potion master in a century and you let yourself become addicted?"

She glared at him and he couldn't help but notice she was wearing a spiked leather bustier that did little to cover her.

She smirked when he started to get aroused. "Oh I see someone approves," she crooned, then she held up a small metal tube. With a touch it sprang open lengthwise and he could see it was covered with fine needles. "You've heard of the famous Iron Maiden, well let me introduce you to my own private version, the Iron Man."

"Nooooooo!" Snape howled.

Wain Manor...

Luna shivered and turned off the mirror. She glanced over at Harry who was staring at the mirror in horror. She couldn't help but notice that he was covering his groin and shuddering.

"A little more than you had planned?" she asked. "Perhaps I should watch this on my private mirror. Natasha looks like a bright girl, she might even give me some new ideas."

Harry turned to look at her with an aghast expression and she laughed. "Oh Harry, if only you could see yourself! Natasha is a sadist I'm not going to learn anything useful from her. Although her wardrobe..."

She trailed off considering the leather bustier sure that Harry would enjoy that.

Harry for his part blinked a few times at her in bewilderment. She had broken him again, but that was alright, she knew ways to fix him too.

Charm's Corridor, Hogwarts, Oct 31st...

Dumbledore peered down the dimly lit corridor. The wards had alerted him to a problem, but as far as he could see, there was nothing here except a strange glistening liquid on the floor. He knelt down and looked at it closer.

The famed wards of Hogwarts were actually quite limited in scope. Their legend had grown over the centuries, but the Headmaster's knew the real truth. The wards were capable of warning the Headmaster and helping ward off an attack from outside. But inside the castle? They were useless. There was really no way to ward the interior of the castle to protect the students from harm.

Behind him a wall fell away with a grinding sound.

Dumbledore stumbled to his feet and whirled around. Thanks to the liquid on the floor he promptly slipped and fell on his back. In the fall his wand went skittering along the floor coming to rest about 15 feet away.

He peered at the strange opening in the wall and blanched as the mass of darkness moved! It was coming right for him at a high speed. Well sort of a high speed, if you were a turtle, frozen in solid ice on a glacier.

"STOPPPPPPPPP!" Dumbledore shouted, holding up one hand imperiously.

The giant snail ignored him, pouring on the speed, it crept closer and closer.

"STOPPPPPPPPP!" Dumbledore shouted. His calls were now attracting attention. Several house elves had popped in to see what the noise was all about. Strangely they quickly left the scene to find a more private place to laugh. Or perhaps they left merely to find a place of safety from this onrushing menace.

The snail squished closer at the speed of a creeping...snail.

"STOPPPPPPPPP!" Dumbledore shouted. He was relieved to see Flitwick exit his office down the hall. He was saved!

Flitwick seemed frozen to his spot as if the very horror of the situation robbed him of his ability to act. Could this be really happening? Was the old man really that stupid?

The Snail slithered closer, sliding up over his feet and up his legs.

"STOPPPPPPPPP!" Dumbledore shouted. His shout ended in a gurgling gag as the snail continued it's slide over him. Ahead an opening appeared in the wall and it headed for that opening at a remarkably slow speed.

Dumbledore lay on the floor, panting and trying to wipe the slime off of his face. He ignored the Snail as it entered the hole in the wall and the wall closed up behind it.

Flitwick finally broke from his stasis and he ran to Dumbledore. "What happened?"

"I've been slimed!"

Flitwick levitated the old man upright. He tried to vanish the slime, but it wouldn't budge. He wasn't about to touch the old man, he was covered in a smelly coating of thick goo that dripped on the floor with wet plopping sounds.

Magic resistant goo, who would have thought there could be such a thing?

The noise attracted more attention. "Headhorcrux!" shouted Minerva. As always whenever she appeared around him the sign appeared pointing at the smiley face. No one wanted to look at that bright yellow scar on the Headmaster. It had started winking at people.

"What what?"

Minerva screeched to a halt and stared at him. "What happened to you?"

"He was slimed," replied Flitwick helpfully.

"Fatally?" asked Minerva hopefully.

"I doubt it," replied Flitwick, sounding regretful.

"I got slimed get over it! Now what is the problem Professor?" shouted a very annoyed Dumbledore. Why wouldn't they show him the respect the leader of the light deserves, he thought to himself.

"Oh you must come and see, something terrible!" she replied, remembering the reason for her haste.

With that she took off down the hall, with Flitwick and a slimy headmaster close behind. Both men were amazed that the old transfiguration professor could move that fast.

On the fifth floor landing she stopped and pointed. A sign floated in the air next to a spitting angry Mrs Norris. Someone had attached a water bottle via a tube to Mrs Norris and she didn't look very happy about it. But then, what cat would enjoy having a tube shoved up it's ass?

Dumbledore peered at the floating sign through slime covered glasses. "What does it mean?" he muttered.

"Enemas of the hair, be there?" muttered Flitwick. "That doesn't make any sense."

"Headmaster what happened to you?" asked Ron Weasley, he had been out wandering the castle until his dorm mates had gone to sleep. With Ron's loud snoring they insisted he wait until they were asleep before he climbed into bed. Behind him were a small cluster of other students who were also attracted by the noise.

"I got slimed! Now get to your bed you bloody little wankers!" snarled Dumbledore.

"Wankers?" muttered Ron darkly. "At least ours still work."

"Headmaster!" admonished Minerva before Dumbledore could dock points on the little twerp. He winced and nodded reluctantly.

The students filed away which was unfortunate. If they have remained they would have been witness to the enema tube slipping from the free floating cat who quickly became rocket propelled, dousing all of the present teachers with it's foul exhaust.

Mrs Norris howled so loudly she woke up villagers in Hogsmeade as she spun like a top. The force of the exhaust was enough to knock Minerva into Dumbledore who slipped and fell backwards down the stairs to the lower level. He screamed as he slid down the stairs.

Argus Filch made a grab for his cat, only to find himself lifting off the ground. The cat and janitor would have been fine except that they were over the railing when she ran out of fuel. Unlike most other rockets, this one lacked parachutes to control reentry.

No one heard the sounds of maniacal laughter from a nearby class room. Lord Lucius Malfoy, had released Slytherin's beast at the school and he intended to direct its actions from hereon. The school would be cleansed of unsavory elements.

Ravenclaw Tower...

Harry turned to Hermione with a perplexed expression. "That's funny, I could have sworn I heard someone screaming."

Luna and Hermione looked up at him from across the table. "Are you well Harry?" asked Luna. "Perhaps you should take a break. I didn't hear anything."

Harry shook his head and frowned. "I don't think I'm sick, I just thought I heard a scream."

Hermione pulled out her wand and cast a spell at Harry, a moment later she sat back satisfied with it's results. Harry wasn't sick.

"I told you I was fine," he replied tensely.

"Harry, you always say that, even when you're not," Hermione replied with a bit of a huff.

He looked at her sheepishly, but he couldn't deny it.

"Have you given it more thought Harry? About what I suggested?" Hermione asked.

He frowned suddenly. "I'm not convinced it's a good idea Hermione. It might sound like a dream come true but it also sounds like we all could get hurt."

Luna placed a hand on Hermione's arm and she glanced at the blond, then turned back to Harry. "Hurt how?"

He ran a hand nervously through his hair. "I don't know," he admitted. "It's not like I know much about being a boyfriend. I understand why you two want to do this, so Colin will leave Luna and you alone, but I don't know anything about being a boyfriend, what if I do it wrong? What if I pay too much attention to one of you and not the other? What if..."

"Harry," Luna said softly and he trailed off to look at her. "I see where you're coming from, but would it help any if Hermione and I promised to help you with this?"

He looked between the two for a long moment, then he nodded. "Just promise me this isn't going to end up costing me my best friends," he whispered.

Both girls sniffled a little and nodded at him with bright smiles.

Harry smiled back and leaned a little closer. "Right then... erm so I'm your boyfriend. What am I supposed to do?"

Luna blinked at him and realized that she really didn't know the answer to that question either. She turned to Hermione who also looked perplexed. "Well," she said slowly, "I know we're not ready to explore chapters 36 through 89 in Hogwarts a History, the adult version. But what we do until we are ready, I really don't know."

Luna blinked again. And Harry joined her blinking. Hermione didn't know?

"Well I read somewhere that we hold hands a lot and you carry our books for us," Luna offered.

Harry looked doubtful. "I suppose I could do that, but you two carry a lot of books around. Even more than I do."

"I know the feather light charm Harry, I'll teach it to you," offered Hermione helpfully.

Harry nodded happily, this boyfriend thing didn't sound so hard all of a sudden.

Wain Manor...

Luna turned to Harry with a smug expression on her face. She pointed at the mirror which still displayed Harry, Hermione and Luna at a table in the Ravenclaw Common Room. They were holding hands and trying to read, which wasn't working out too well for Harry since he couldn't turn the pages.

"I told you it would work itself out. Now tell me what you've done? The screaming Harry heard suggested you've been playing again as well," she said.

"It's nothing really. I noticed that Lucius had snuck into the castle so I decided now would be a good time to let Slytherin's true beast out of its hole."

"Harry, please tell me you didn't set the Basilisk free?"

Harry looked smug. "Of course not, the Basilisk isn't Slytherin's beast anymore is it?"

Luna looked at him in astonishment. "You mean?"

"Yah," he replied nonchalantly, "I turned the snake into a snail, then set up a series of teleports from the chamber move the snail around the castle. I bet if you switch to Dumbledore on the mirror you'll find he's not a happy camper at the moment. In fact that was probably him screaming."

Luna turned back to the mirror and nodded at it. The image slewed around wildly before settling down. Dumbledore lay in a crumpled heap on the forth floor landing while McGonagall and Flitwick argued over who would take him to the infirmary.

Both Harry and Luna were confused by the brown liquid dripping from all three of them.

"I think we're going to need more mirrors to keep track of what's going on at that school," Harry muttered.

Luna nodded in agreement.

Harry turned to her and his expression altered. He gave her a wide smile. "So do you have any idea what I'm going to do with 845 cauldrons?"

"You should return them," Luna said. "You don't need that many cauldrons and you're not usually a thief."

He winced and gave her a hurt look. "I was thinking of returning them, I'm just trying to think of the best way to do it."

She patted his arm. "I'm sure you'll think of something."

Harry nodded. "I'll give it some thought. Just keep an eye on Lucius, I don't want him hurting any students if possible."

Luna nodded and he left the sitting room. Whenever he needed to do some serious thinking he'd go off by himself, usually to ride a broom around the manor grounds.

DADA Office, Hogwarts November 15th...

Gilderoy Lockhart sat at his desk rather unhappy with his lot in life. It all started when his first class of Ravenclaws started questioning him and his books and since then the students had lost all respect for him.

Since the beginning of the month things had gotten rather weird even by wizarding standards. He had been caught twice by a giant snail when the castle seemed to move staircases so he had no place to flee to. And then there were the gaps in his memory.

He was an expert at the Obliviate spell and he knew how to combat it, so he didn't understand the gaps which only could come from some sort of memory spell.

He grimaced when the door opened and the next set of brats came in. He sincerely hoped this group would believe him about the Waga Waga Werewolf but he wasn't going to bet money on it.

He sunk down in his chair and a wave of despair washed over him. A pair of Ravenclaws entered the room carrying a large easel. That meant they intended to dissect his actions once again. The last time the easel contained moving illustrations, charts and graphs which detailed how it was impossible for him to defeat the Banshee.

Sometime life really sucks, I've got to talk to my agent about getting a new job, he thought.

Wain Manor...

"You're up awful early," Luna said as she shuffled into the room. He turned to look at her and his jaw dropped. She obviously decided to continue wearing the nightie she came to bed in.

She smiled to herself, she had managed to stun him once again. She was confident in her looks but she liked to get a second opinion every so often and frankly Harry's opinion was the only one that mattered to her anymore.

She walked over and snapped her fingers under his nose and he blinked, then licked his lips. She could practically feel his hot gaze raking her form.

"So are you going to tell me why we're up so early or are you going to continue to fantasize ravishing me?"

"Which would you prefer?" he countered.

She grinned impishly. "Will your plans take all morning to watch?"

"Hardly."

"How about we watch what you had planned, then we can get to the ravishing?"

He nodded and sat on the couch, then grabbed her and pulled her into his lap. "How about we do both?"

She chuckled and turned to watch the mirror, trying very hard to ignore his hands which were caressing her form.

"What are we watching?"

"Dumbledore's quarters, he's asleep at the moment, but his alarm is set to go off right about now," he replied, then he nibbled on her neck.

"And why are we watching the old man sleep?"

"I returned the missing cauldrons last night after charming the lot of them."

She snuggled back into his embrace and watched the mirror.

The alarm was magical and consisted of what appeared to be a ghost of a man from the 10th century. "I pray you sire, please awaken. Tis a new morn and your princely duties beckon!"

Harry blinked and stopped caressing Luna for a moment. "Well that was different," he muttered. "I've never seen Dumbledore woken up like that before."

Luna nodded. "Usually he had that braying elephant alarm."

The old man sat up in bed and wandlessly summoned a robe. Then he climbed out of bed and put the robe on. Slipping his feet into a pair of slippers, Luna barely noted he had replaced her "horcrux" squeaking slippers with new ones.

Dumbledore shuffled to the door that connected his quarters to his office and he opened it. He stood there for a moment trying to figure out exactly what he was seeing.

"Sippy!" he called.

The popping sound announced the arrival of an elf. "Yes sir Master Smiley Foreheadmaster?"

"Yes, I seem to be the victim of a prank. Someone has filled my office with cauldrons and I am unable to get into it. Can you please move them down to the cauldron storage room?"

"Oh yes sir, Sippy can," piped the little elf.

Sippy clapped his hands once and then looked perplexed. The cauldrons hadn't moved. He lifted a hand and waved it, and still the cauldrons failed to budge.

"Master Smiley Foreheadmaster sir? Sippy cannot move the cauldrons. Sippy thinks they are not liking elf magic oh no sir Master Smiley Foreheadmaster sir."

Dumbledore frowned at the elf for a moment, then he summoned his wand to his hand and waved it at a cauldron. The container glowed a soft white and he cursed under his breath. There was considerable magic on the cauldron, magic stronger than he was capable of casting, which explained why they were immune to elf magic.

"Thank you Sippy, you may go punish yourself, try sharpening your ears ," muttered the old man.

The elf whimpered and vanished from sight.

He pondered the alternatives for a while, then he attempted to shrink one cauldron. When that didn't work he tried levitating it and was pleased to see that he could. Apparently the Prankster who left them in the room had forgotten to ward against a simple levitation.

Slowly Dumbledore levitated the cauldrons, piling them up in his room. It was really the only thing he could do with them. After 30 minutes he was sweating and panting and he had only made a small corridor three feet wide by four feet long. What's worse was his own room was beginning to pile up with cauldrons. It was smaller than his office which meant he couldn't possibly fit all the cauldrons in his room.

An hour later he cursed when his bed and dresser collapsed under the weight. He swore sulfurously at himself, he should have shrunk his bed and dresser and pocketed them. Now they were splinters and if that was bad, he'd hate to see what state his desk was in.

Seeing Albus was going to be busy for quite a while, Harry and Luna slipped from the room while the headmaster moved yet another cauldron into the bedroom.

Two hours later a much sated pair reentered the sitting room to see Dumbledore had nearly reached the door from his office to school below. By now the old man was exhausted and cussing in a loud voice. Several calls to his Phoenix had gone unanswered, and the elves had tried to move the cauldrons by hand, but found them impossibly heavy.

Just another row of cauldrons and he'd be at the door, which was a good thing because had already started filling in the aisle behind him.

"When I get my hands on that bird," he muttered.

"What did you do to Fawkes?" asked Luna.

Harry smiled. "He's in a cauldron. He was asleep at the time when I moved the cauldrons in place, so I placed him into a cauldron, then put a strong silencing charm on it."

Luna sniggered in reply.

The pair cuddled on the couch and watched the exhausted headmaster slowly clear a path out of his office.

Corridor outside of the DADA office, Hogwarts Nov 20th...

Lucius huddled behind a suit of armor and he watched the door intently.

"Are you sure about this man Lucius?"

"Oh yes Master, Gilderoy Lockhart is a danger to your plans. He's defeated werewolves, vampires, banshees, puffskiens, plimpies. He's known for being a powerful wizard with a wonderful smile and great hair," Lucius replied in a whisper. He really wished the master would whisper when he spoke through him, but Voldemort didn't see the need.

Lucius lashed out with a fist and pounded a wall. "Curses, we can't release Slytherin's beast with him around. We must do something about him!"

"I'm waiting for him Master, he much come to this room to give his classes."

"Good good Lucius, you're learning. Very well, we'll wait, but I want us to be unrecognizable, take the helm from the suit and put it on!"

Lucius breathed a sigh of relief, he wouldn't have to cast another crucio on himself. He glanced up and reached for the heavy helm. "This helm Master?"

"Yes yes, now put it on! And cast crucio on yourself, but do it quietly!"

Lucius put the heavy helm on his head and immediately his field of view narrowed down to nearly nothing.

"Master?" he pleaded.

"Do it!" commanded Voldemort's spirit.

Lucius grit his teeth and pulled out his wand. Why couldn't he have gone to clown school like he wanted when he was younger he thought.

He cast the spell and immediately started to writhe. His head hammered against the wall setting up a loud clanging sound.

"Fool!" spat Voldemort, "Quickly return to our secret lair, you've made too much noise!"

Painfully Lucius climbed to his feet and he ran down the hall and straight into a wall.

CLANG!

Struggling to stay on his feet, he turned and ran into another wall.

CLANG!

Painfully he reached the end of that corridor and turned again.

"Faster!" screamed Voldemort, spurring Lucius to greater effort.

"CLANG CLANG CLANG!"

Finally he made it back to the secret lair, which turned out to be a rarely used closet in the back of the charms classroom. Exhausted, he slumped against the wall and slid to the ground.

"I must punish you Lucius," whispered Voldemort.

"Thank you Master," replied the badly concussed wizard. "I love you too."

DADA Classroom, Nov 21st...

Harry filed into the class, following Hermione. He was carrying her book for her and holding her hand, but the whole boyfriend concept was still new to him.

"What do you think we'll do this time?" asked Hermione.

Harry shrugged. "If it's anything like usual, we'll reenact his defeat of Godzilla or some other nonsense."

Hermione chuckled quietly and took the seat next to Harry.

Professor Lockhart exited his office and stepped into the classroom, he paused and looked at the class in confusion. He knew he had a problem, but he couldn't remember what that problem was. In fact, he was having difficulty lately remembering anything.

"I say, what are you all doing here?" he asked.

"This is our defense class professor," replied Hermione.

"Really? Is that why you're here?"

The class nodded and stared at the man who seems a little more confused than usual today.

"Well then I suppose you should get started."

The class stared at the man. Finally after several minutes, Hermione spoke up. "Professor?"

"Yes miss?"

"Granger sir Hermione Granger, aren't you going to start the lesson?"

Lockhart blinked and looked at her incredulously. "You want me to teach?" he exclaimed in a squeaky voice.

"That is what you get paid to do," Harry replied dryly.

Lockhart frowned and walked down the aisle to Harry's desk. He picked up the book and paged through it for a moment. It wasn't one of his books. "You're reading about shield spells, is that what we were learning?"

Harry smirked. "Yes sir, I was reading ahead, you were going to start teaching us shield spells today."

Lockhart peered at him over the edge of the book. "I know you, your famous. What's your name?"

Harry stared at the man for a moment and several of the class laughed softly. "Harry Potter sir."

"Do you know these shield spells?"

"Yes sir, I think I do," replied Harry.

"Good very good Mr. Pepper, come up to the front of the class and show us what you know," Lockhart said happily. He was still confused about why he was teaching a class on defense, but at least someone knew the material.

Harry glanced at Hermione who shrugged at him, then he turned and went to the front of the class to teach them about shield spells.

This turned out to be one of the best DADA classes given at Hogwarts in the last twenty years and would set the stage for the course for the remainder of the year.

St. Mungos Potion Addiction Treatment Center, Dec 7th ...

Severus Snape was a changed man. The last two months had seen to that.

The door opened and he flinched, then ran to the wall placing his hands against the wall and lowering his head.

"Mistress command me!" he said softly.

"Will you drink a potion you don't need?" asked Mistress Natasha. As she spoke she calmly laid out her tools on a small table. The included several skinning knives, a car battery with jumper cables and an amazing assortment of butt plugs ranging in size from petite to 'my god that would kill King Kong!'

Interestingly each plug had a metal rod that seemed tailor made for connecting to that battery.

"Never Mistress, I will never drink anything you don't approve of!" he moaned piteously.

"Better my pet," she purred, stepping forward and caressing his buttocks. "Are you my willing pet? My little slave?"

Severus moaned again. "Command your pet Mistress."

A line of fire laid down along one buttock and he bit his lip to keep from crying out. Mistress Natasha laid into him with a small whip for 20 more minutes before getting bored. Then she turned and eyed her table of toys.

Voldemort could take lessons from this one, Snape thought groggily. He spied the table and the vast array of electrified butt plugs and tried not to whimper. I'm going to kill Albus for his 'special treatment' request.

Wain Manor...

Luna turned away from the mirror and grinned at Harry. "I told you she was an expert."

Harry looked away from the scene on the mirror and shivered in revulsion. He hated Snape with a passion, but this was beyond the pale!

"I didn't doubt you love, I just doubted she's an expert in Potion Addiction," he countered.

"I never said she was," Luna retorted. "She's an expert in her field, but it's not potion addiction."

"But why would she be working for St. Mungos then?"

Luna smiled serenely. "Harry love, as you have pointed out countless times, the wizarding world is still in the 19th century. Addiction was barely understood let alone treatable among the muggles back then and even now by the wizards. The Potion Addiction Treatment Center is a new addition to St. Mungos funded by the Marauder Charity Trust."

Harry blinked and shook his head in amazement. MCT was something he created in every universe they visited. It's purpose was to help wizard and muggle born children that may find themselves in abusive situations and to work towards a more progressive wizarding world.

"So," he began slowly, "Mistress Natasha works for me then?"

"In a round about way, yes."

He shook his head and shuddered back from the mental image of her employment interview. Finally he gave up and shrugged, Luna actually ran MCT via proxy for him. It had been that way ever since she discovered he was using it as a front to hire mercenaries for high level pure blood assassinations world wide.

Now days she confined it's activities to purely domestic issues, and the occasional smuggling scheme involving rescuing and relocation rare magical and normal animals.

Harry nodded and waved a hand to change views on the mirror, he wanted to check in on Harry and Hermione.

"Wait! Stop!" called Luna.

The mirror paused, it had been cycling through images of all the people and places it was keyed into.

"Yes?" asked Harry.

"Back it up."

He did as she commanded until they got to a view of Dumbledore laying in an bed.

"There! Stop!"

He sighed and stopped the scene.

"That's the infirmary!" She exclaimed, "What happened to him?"

"Cauldrons," Harry admitted, "I was having so much fun with them I got a little carried away."

She narrowed her eyes and looked closer at the image. She couldn't ignore the large supply of potion bottles next to the bed, nor the runic monitors that were constantly updating his condition.

"Explain," she said tensely. It was too early for Dumbledore to die!

"He's suffering from severe Magical Exhaustion," Harry replied. "After he managed to escape his office he moved into guest quarters, so I moved the cauldrons outside of those quarters. I also arranged for the snail to get him a few times.

He paused and took a deep breath. "Three different days and three different guest quarters later, he collapsed. He's been in the infirmary since. He's recovering, but at his age his magical core refills very slowly, so he's been sleeping a lot. Madam Pomfrey expects him to be up and about in a couple days. She'll probably release him before the Holiday leaving feast."

Luna turned and glared at Harry. "No more cauldron pranks! You nearly killed him and we still need him."

He hung his head in shame, he knew he had blown it and he hated when Luna was angry at him. She was so rarely angry, but this was one of those times.

"No more cauldrons," he repeated in a whisper.

Satisfied she decided to lighten the mood. "So he got slimed again?"

Harry looked up with a small grin, "Twice actually, but he was unconscious for the second sliming. Madam Pomfrey wasn't very happy being slimed either. She was levitating him to the infirmary at the time when the staircases moved. She came to the landing just in time for the snail to exit the corridor."

He leaned back and looked thoughtful. "You know, she took it a lot better than I expected. Oh she wasn't happy to be slimed, but she seemed to be resigned to the situation."

"Poppy always was a bit of a fatalist. I often remember her remarking what will be, will be," Luna added.

He nodded, recalling their Poppy saying exactly that. The woman had had enough experience with human misery that she believed it was merely inevitable for everyone.

His expression changed and he looked at Luna, "Just what did you do to the diary anyway? Lucius is acting almost as bad as Quirrel from last year. Is he fully possessed?"

"Co-possessor perhaps, or co-tenant would be a better description. The soul fragment that was in the book downloaded itself into Lucius but it lacked the ability to kick Lucius out of his own body. Unlike Quirrell this spirit had enough strength to partially take control. So Lucius isn't being a host as much as being co-owner of the same body with Voldemort."

"And his actions? I mean Betsy was understandable, but this should have been a soul from a 17 year old Voldemort," Harry asked.

Luna smiled serenely. "I used my rubber band technique on him."

Harry winced. Luna had once demonstrated the technique on Ron Weasley to explain it to Harry since her magic didn't work on Harry. Basically she grabbed the Id of the mind and pulled it as far away from the mind as she could before releasing it. The Id snapped back into the mind like a rubber band, but in the process many basic thought processes fractured and broke. In a normal mind, multiple hits with this technique would quickly drive the person insane.

Harry remembered that particular Ron who was eventually arrested for molesting Neville Longbottom. Neville's gran was so angry over that attack that she took Ginny as a bondage servant to pay off their debt.

Harry always felt a little bad about that, he didn't have anything against Ginny, she was just a girl that grew out of her crush to become a friend. Red heads didn't do anything for him despite the comments about Potter men and red heads. The simple fact was if asked, he'd reply that Blonds and Brunettes attracted him more than red heads. They might appeal to his father, but they did nothing for him.

"So he's basically nuts, and Lucius wasn't quite all there to begin with," he murmured.

"Precisely," Luna replied. "And since Voldemort is the dominant spirit but lacks full motor control they have to cooperate to get anything done."

"That explains why he's wearing a helmet from a suite and a tapestry as a toga I guess, but why has he been concentrating on attacking Lockhart?"

"Harry," Luna chided, "You know Lockhart's books portrayed him as an unstoppable defeater of dark creatures. Voldemort just wants him out of the way so he can release his beast on the school."

Harry flinched at the thought of the 'beast'.

Guys, Luna thought with a bit of smirk, they really are so easy to make queasy. Threaten their penis and the curl up and whimper.

Wain Manor, Dec 15th ...

Harry looked down at his cup and he scowled. Luna was playing again and this time she had gone too far!

Two hours later she pulled herself up short and stared, Harry was knee deep in books and scribbling furiously on a pad.

"What's got your boxers in a bunch?" she asked.

"You stopped time!" he snapped, then he slammed a book shut. "What did I tell you about that?"

Luna blushed, it was unusual for her to forget something so important, but she had forgotten this time. "To limit the field?" she asked meekly.

He leaned back and wiped at his face tiredly. "Luna, you stopped the whole planet. Fortunately you did include the moon, I don't want to think what would have happened if you hadn't. Now I've got to nudge things back in place before the muggles notice the year is suddenly short by an hour!"

She nodded unhappily. Her Harry was cross with her and he had a reason to be. He had explained to her about the obsessive muggles that did little except measure stuff. She had learned the process of time stoppage back in their own universe, but there, limiting the field was not needed since an average wizard could only affect a very small space.

"Did you accomplish what you wanted?"

Luna nodded. "Yes Albus hasn't been having a good year, so when I suggested allowing Harry to find alternative arrangements for his summer he didn't put up much of a fight."

She waved towards the mirror on the wall and it filled with wavy lines. He shot her a sour glare, wavy lines was his signature effect and she stole it!

Albus lay in an infirmary bed unhappily thumbing through a copy of Teen Witch Weekly. Madam Pomfrey didn't keep many things on hand to read, but one of her former patients had left this behind.

Poppy was pouring some potion into a cup when she froze in place. Even the liquid from the bottle froze motionless.

Dumbledore looked up, the total silence signaling something truly extraordinary was happening.

A bright light filled the windows of the doors to the infirmary and Albus had to raise a hand to shield himself from the glare. With his free hand he grabbed his wand and gripped it possessively.

The doors opened and Luna floated into the room. In one hand she held her flaming sword, in the other, the dripping head of a man that had obviously died in considerable pain. The fact that the head was the only thing that wasn't glowing brightly made it especially obvious.

"Albus, I can't tell you how disappointed I am with you. Do you know what I do to people that disappoint me?"

He couldn't tear his eyes away from the dripping head, then suddenly the eyes popped open and turned to him. "Don't piss her off," moaned the head, then the eyes closed again.

Luna giggled. "Oh do be quiet Fritz, you had your chance."

Luna tossed the head into the air and as it started to drop, a gaping chasm filled with fire and smoke appeared underneath it. Faint screaming could be heard coming from the hole and it made Dumbledore shiver in fear.

He inched backwards on his bed, nearly gibbering in terror, trying to put some distance between him and that smoking hole.

"You haven't earned the same punishment as Fritz... yet. But you're coming close! Look at you! Letting a Snail endanger Harry, and hiring that idiot Lockhart when you knew he was a fraud."

She paused and looked at him sternly. "Also I have seen you researching Horcruxes, trying to find a way to transfer it back into Harry."

Actually Dumbledore wasn't really researching that, but Luna didn't care, it just sounded ominous and worthy of beheading.

"What? No! I haven't! I wouldn't!"

"Tsk tsk Albus, you can't lie to me. Don't you remember who gives me orders?" she said, then pointed one finger skywards.

He cringed and shook his head vehemently. This can't be happening, he thought. This never happens to other Lords of Light! Why do they get the easy jobs?

"Remove Lockhart!" Luna intoned. As she did, she lifted higher and her wings spread out full. "Remove Lockhart, and defend my chosen from Slytherin's Snail! From here on I will take care of Harry's living arrangements for the summer."

He nodded rapidly, willing to agree to anything at this point. Luna smirked and started to turn away, then she looked back. "Oh and trim that beard. It's really quite disgusting."

With that she turned and floated from the room. Behind her the smoking hole started to slowly fill in.

Harry sat for a moment as the mirror returned to its normal view. "I see you've greatly improved your illusion spells," he commented. "But who was Fritz?"

She shrugged, "A friend of my father's I think. He didn't come around much after I started school, but he always felt wrong to me."

He nodded and refrained from commenting, but over the years he had met many friends of the Lovegood family that felt more than wrong to him. The Addams family had more normal friends and family than Luna's family did.

"And the horcruxes? Why did you give him the idea to transfer it back into Harry?"

"You know as well as I do that he'll never figure out that a simple switching spell will move the thing. Besides, he's been told that God himself is watching his actions and not happy with him. Do you honestly think he'll try anything," Luna replied calmly. "Consider it an experiment if you will. Will he think he's capable of defying divine will?"

Harry leaned back on his chair and thought about it. "It sounds right, but I think you're mistaken, I think the old man is willing to do anything and defy anything for his 'greater good'."

"Perhaps, but then if he does, we'll smack him down so hard he'll wish he hadn't," Luna said with a smile. Harry was still upset with her and he had to fix her mistake, but most of his anger had bled away.

Hogwarts Great Hall, Dec 21st...

Harry sat down next to Hermione; Luna sat across from them. She had been studying extra hard. It was her intent to take two sets of exams at the end of the school year so that she could advance into third year with Harry and Hermione.

This was the Yule feast, tomorrow they would all return to London on the express for the holidays. For Harry, this was a special time, he would be spending the Holiday with Hermione. The trio had managed to get the both families to agree to a joint dinner on Boxing Day, then Harry and Hermione would stay at Luna's for a few days, before returning to London with Luna. The three would spend their remaining time with Grangers until it was time to return to school.

It was hard to tell who was more excited. Luna was thrilled to be hosting company on Boxing Day and Harry was excited about spending the holiday with both girls instead of staying at school.

Hermione nudged Harry and he looked up from his book. "The Headmaster is going to say something."

"He still doesn't look well," he observed.

"He did spend a week in the Infirmary," added Luna.

Dumbledore stood and smiled at the students. The smiley face scar on his forehead winked at a few students, then stuck out its tongue.

"I know you're all anxious to get home for the holidays. It's been a difficult session so far, and there will be some staff changes when you return. For myself I hope to use the time to deal with Slytherin's beast once and for..."

The doors to the hall smashed open with a loud crash and a strangely garbed figure strutted into the hall. He wore a toga made from a tapestry and a helmet, in his hand he held a lance that had been taken from another suit of armor.

Everyone turned to look at the strange figure.

"Behold! I bringith great news! Slytherin has returned and I, Lord Mucus Malfoy am the vessel upon which he will bring forth his blessing forewith. I am the almighty and powerful Lord Slytherin and I hereby declare this school to be cleansed of the unholy spawns of satin."

"What is with the feasts in this place?" asked Harry a little too loudly. "Last year it was lethal teddies, this year it's a nut case."

"What's wrong satin, some of my best bras are made of it," commented Luna. She was rather proud that she appeared to be sprouting early.

Harry blushed beet red. Bras were something they hadn't gotten around to discussing with him.

"Silence! Be silent or you will feel the wrath of the almighty lord Slytherin! I shall set my beast upon you and it will tear at your flesh!"

Hermione hushed Harry and he flinched back slightly, more afraid of her than the loony in the helmet.

"I don't care who you think you are Mucus, er Lucius, but it's obvious to me that you need help!" Dumbledore said, pushing back on his chair and standing up.

Lucius snarled and whipped out his wand, he pointed it directly at his own neck. "Nobody moves or I'll cast crucio on my hostage!" he shouted.

823 eyeballs blinked as one. No one suspected Lord Malfoy would arrive here with a hostage!

"Cry havoc and let slip my beast Lucius!" shouted Voldemort.

Dropping his wand and his lance, he quickly undid his toga which he let slip to the floor. "Behold! Behold the Beast of Slytherin!"

With both hands he unwrapped the strange rope like appendage which had been wrapped around his waist. Enlarged to nearly four feet long and pierced with hundreds of fish hooks, Malfoy's penis waved and writhed as if it had a life of it's own.

Slytherin's beast looked like some form of bizarre caterpillar.

"Behold and fear me!" Lucius shouted, then he scooped up his wand from the floor.

Dumbledore started to walk around the table when Malfoy lifted the wand again to his neck. "Don't you take one more step or I'll kill my hostage!"

Pansy Parkinson, one of the brighter Slytherins stood and shouted at the Headmaster. "Don't endanger the hostage! He's serious!"

That she was one of the brighter students spoke volumes for the future of Slytherin house.

At this point in time, a watching mega magician decided that this leaving feast should definitely make into Hogwarts a history by teleporting the Snail to the Great Hall.

There was a moment of shocked silence, then Lucius screeched at the top of his lungs and lunged away from the loathsome Snail. He scrambled up onto a table, pushing food and students out of the way, dragging his own beast behind him.

Dumbledore grimaced and knew this was his moment, the moment to make all the school know just what a powerful wizard he was.

Whipping out his wand, he shouted. "Sparkusuanus!"

A bright bolt of lightening sprang from his wand and headed directly for the snail. It got within ten feet and suddenly veered off, hitting the Slytherin Lightening Rod. Malfoy fluoresced for a split second and you could see his bones, including the one he broke as a child which never healed properly, then he collapsed to the table top in a smoking heap. Slytherins beast had been cauterized down to a 2 inch stub with some molten metal hanging off it.

Dumbledore stared at his wand as if he couldn't believe what had just happened. Fortunately this was just what the Snail needed to make it's escape, sliming Gilderoy Lockhart as it slowly left the Great Hall.

"Murderer!" shouted someone from Slytherin.

"Hey! You killed that crazy person!" shouted another from Gryffindor.

"What? Wait! No! I!" Dumbledore sputtered. He looked around wildly and saw nothing but accusation on the faces glaring at him. Huffing he strode from the Hall, refusing to meet anyone's gaze.

Hermione turned to Harry, her expression was pale and she looked decidedly ill. "Please tell me you don't have something like that!"

Harry blushed. "No," he replied quietly. "But the bit with it waving like that was kinda cool."

"Harry," Luna chided, "Do try to be more normal, you'll only frighten your girlfriends with one of those."

Hermione and Harry turned to stare at Luna. She was asking for normal?

Wain Manor...

Harry waved the mirror off and turned to Luna. "Sparkusuanus?" he asked drolly.

"Well I did task him with protecting Harry from the Snail, then I arranged for him to stumble over a rare book which was written by an ancestor of mine.

"Apparently your ancestor was as bad with Latin as you are," he replied.

She blushed and looked down, trying to forget the time he caught her using a spell of her own design to relieve her menstrual cramps. Harry laughed for a month over "Crampusnotus".

Harry stretched in his chair and reached for a cup of coffee that appeared on the table in front of him.

"So Lucius is gone from the picture, but what about the Snail?" she asked.

Harry frowned for a moment, then he snapped his fingers. Luna choked slightly as she felt a massive pulse of magic leave him. She arched one eyebrow at him and waited for an explanation.

Taking a drink he leaned back in his chair and smiled. "I sent the snail back to the chamber and put it to sleep."

"Is that all you did?"

He grinned, "No, next time someone opens the chamber the Snail will turn into a giant bunny. In fact Slytherin's beast will change with each successive opening. Bunny, Snail, Chicken, Pig, Lemur, Turtle and Platypus."

Luna snickered quietly and Harry basked in her open admiration. Finally she got her mirth under control. "So the years events are all over yes?"

"Not quite, there's one loose end to tie up."

"Oh?"

Harry's grin turned positively feral. "Snape," he said grimly. "Snape is coming to Hogwarts."

The Entrance Hall, Hogwarts, Jan 5th...

Severus Snape was a changed man. The past months with Mistress Natasha had altered in him ways no one on the staff could have imagined. The youngest Potions master in centuries now hated Potions with a passion.

Mistress Natasha had been a determined and demanding mistress, and she was an expert in her craft of creating Pavlovian responses.

Harry, Luna and Hermione were just coming into the Entrance Hall from the Express when Snape entered also. He had been on the express, in a locked compartment.

"Severus!"

Heads turned to see Madam Pomfrey striding up to the potions master. "I am so glad to see you again! You wouldn't believe how much we've missed your talents around here." She said, then she thrust a small bottle at him filled with a purple liquid that seemed to have the viscosity of molasses. "Look at this! A pain relief potion that's more like a syrup! I can't believe what they are selling these days! Would you drink this potion?"

Enter Doctor Pavlov and his prancing puppies.

Snape blinked and the color fled from his face. He turned and rush to the nearest wall. Placing both hands against the wall, he stuck his arse out. "I will not take a potion mistress! Beat me! Let me prove myself to you!"

Pomfrey stared at him with a flushed look on her face while the students stopped dead in their tracks.

Dumbledore had watched the scene from the top of the steps, with a heavy sigh he turned away and wondered if the other Lords of Light had as many problems as he seemed to have.

Intermission...

Your screen fills with wavy lines and your computer suddenly starts to play the theme song from Twilight Zone. You think to yourself, Alyx is scary, I'm glad Bob is stuck with her and not me! Maybe I should send Bob a note of encouragement for putting up with her craziness.

Wain Manor...

Harry danced in front of the blank wall. "Do do do do do do" he sang.

"Faster, harder," encouraged Luna, "Make the duck slippers quack more!"

Harry blinked and stopped dancing, then he turned to Luna. "What is with it with these slippers anyway?"

Luna shrugged, "I figured if you could speed up time for our readers, I could send them an uncontrollable urge to do something nice for a duck. You wouldn't believe how mean people are to ducks! It's a terrible shame really!"

Her eyes grew wide and she looked at him with an appalled expression. "Did you know some people even eat Ducks?" she said in a whisper. "And I won't tell you what they do with Rubber Ducks, but its disgusting!"

He sat and stared at her for a moment, then he shook his head. He didn't want to explain to her that she had just influenced an infinite subset of an infinite number of people to do something nice for a duck. Heck he didn't want to think about himself, but he knew sooner or later he'd have to explain to the Boss how International Duck Day exploded across the multiverse without warning.

Maybe I'll ask her to write that report, he thought. The last time she had write a report to the Boss, the boss stopped talking to them for nearly 1000 universes. It was, in his opinion, one of the best times they had.

"Anyway, have you moved time forward enough?" she asked.

He cast a quick date charm and smiled at the results. "Yep, time to get Sirius out of jail. He's got to set up a home in time before Harry arrives in London on the express."

Luna smirked and nodded, then she stood. "Let me get my cloak and we'll be off."

"Cloak?"

She smiled at him. "I did tell you I wanted to be there when you told him about Helga."

"Oh," He replied, looking crestfallen. He had hoped she would have forgotten about that.