Just to make some things clear this doesn't follow any of a real time line it is set in the indy days, and I will adjust things to fit the story. Disclaimers and in the first chapter read them if you want.
I'm a moody bastard who without a goal becomes incredibly bored, and when I'm bored watch out because I tend to cause trouble and stir the pot. Right now I have goals, my main one is to never speak to Colt Cabana again that's kind of difficult since we work and travel together but I am determined to succeed in this goal. Next goal on my list is to be the best in the word at everything not just wrestling, which means I need my first relationship in forever to work. This is almost more difficult than avoiding Colt, as Raven is an ass and my dislike of him grows just as much as my attraction. I've made it clear that if he ever hits me again I'll leave and never come back. Yet it has been only a few days since the incident and he is being a royal douche pickle. I am pretty sure he is getting high behind my back and although it shouldn't surprise me it does I thought he would respect my beliefs don't know why I even consider he'd do that for me wishful thinking I suppose.
Today I am hitting the road to head to Boston for a show with Ace, Colt, and Joe so I have a feeling my goals are going to bite me in the ass. It's going to be a bitch to be trapped in a car with Colt and not speak to him, on top of that Raven is jealous he even offered to buy me a plane ticket so I wouldn't be in the same car as Colt when I declined he stormed out of my apartment and I haven't seen him since last night. I tried calling but he didn't answer I left messages and texted and did he respond once nope ass! The guys were suppose to be here any minute and I was still trying to locate my boyfriend while stuffing gear into a bag and trying to find my sun glasses to at least hide the black eye I had, it wouldn't cover up the still slight swollen lip or bruise on my jaw but it would hide some of the damage he caused.
I am in the bathroom when I hear the apartment door open and close, I poke my head out and feel my anger spark immediately the filter between my mouth and my head disappears and I am yelling at him. "Where the hell have you been? I've been trying to call you all fucking night. Were you out cheating on me? Or getting high that seems to be your favorite pastime activity!" I watched as he approached finding myself taking a step backwards the fury on his face startling me. I had very little space to back away the bathroom is tiny and I find myself cornered before I can react. I don't move as he presses his body against mine his hand stroked my throat and I make no sudden movements his hold on control very thin. My phone goes over and he reaches over to the sink counter scooping it up I think about the invasion of privacy as he responds to the text I had just received.
"Where I was last night is none of your fucking business, if I wanted to talk to you I would have responded. I don't cheat Phil, though I have a feeling if Colt told you to bend over the thought of me wouldn't cross your mind. If I want to get high I will, maybe you should try it sometime may take that stick out of your ass. The guys are downstairs waiting for you I let them know you will be down in fifteen minutes since to make up for your attitude I think you should blow me don't you agree Phillip?" I'm truly at a loss for words and I shove his hand away from me going to walk past him I get barely by him when I am slammed against my bathroom wall, oddly my first thought is about the wall and hoping he doesn't cause damage I want my security deposit back when I move. I wonder why I don't think about my personal safety, or that what is coming will probably hurt.
When I slide into the back of the rental van I keep my head down placing my earphones on I blast the music not looking up. My friends don't say a word to me they probably assume I am in another mood, they are not wrong I am in a mood but it is not the normal leave me the hell alone, antisocial space, it's a feeling of defeat that I can not push down. I lean forward not allowing my sore back to touch the seat behind me the kicks I just received I am sure will leave bruises. I run my tongue over my swollen lips and still taste his cum mixed with my blood, I had given into Ravens demanding just wanting to escape the pain, now I felt cheap and used. I pull my cubs cap lower and rummage through my bag looking for a drink, anything to help my aching throat and the taste leave. I come up empty as I practically ran from the apartment, Raven had kissed me and told me to have a good trip as if nothing had happened. I nodded and didn't even attempt to kick him out I am thinking about it now my hand typing the text demanding that he leave and stay the hell out of my life. I notice we have stopped and peek out the window seeing we were at Colt's I cringe when I see him kissing his boy toy, I glance back at my phone and see that raven had texted I open it and my heart pounds. I'm sorry, I love you please forgive me! Love? Raven loved me? Was this his version of love I wondered What is love, all my examples growing up are fucked up. Hell my dad beat my mom and that was his way of loving her, so maybe this is love. This is normal for me, my life is about violence whether real or pretend so maybe he did love me, and maybe that fact that I forgive him is my version of love as fucked up as this all is. I don't respond to his text, I sit silently for a while still not looking at anyone watching the blood drip on to my hand, wondering when I started bleeding. I watch the crimson drops splatter gently on my bronze skin and think to myself blood is romance, this is love. I raise my hand discovering that my healing lip is busted open again I press against the cut hoping to stop the bleeding before anyone notices. I finally speak without looking up pulling the headphones down I request they stop at a store, when Joe murmurs an answer close enough to a confirmation so I replace the headphones and stare out the window at the passing buildings.
We stop at a store and I slide from the vehicle heading inside, I see a bathroom and head towards in, once inside I take off my hat and look into the mirror. I wipe the blood off trying to clean up to the best of my ability, I'm still bleeding but it has slowed as I begin to clot, the blood on my shirt won't disappear so I zip up the hoodie and hope no one notices. I returned to the store and grab a couple of bottle of Pepsi to get through the trip as I go to close the glass door I catch my reflection and wonder briefly who the person staring back at me is instead of an answer I realize someone else is staring at the reflection and I quickly lower my head hoping Ace didn't see anything I pay for my sodas and quickly return to my seat at the back of the van. I wait and it dawns on me minutes are ticking by I look up at the empty seats and glance around slowly, my friends are standing outside the van talking and glancing at me. Hell Colt is staring and I don't know how to react to this I go to look down and the door to the van opens, the headphones taken off and my hat taken away, I keep my head down hoping they would just drop this. Instead a firm hand raises my head and eyes scan my face, fingers touch my eye gently, stroking my cheek, and then across my lip down to my throat I don't move, I don't breath. I wait perched, unable to escape but wanting to run, I think about calling Raven and accepting the plane ticket yet I don't I stare into Ace's face and wait. "Not abusive? Just rumors, you don't believe rumors unless you see it with your own two eyes, Seen enough yet? Hell this is fresh was he beating on you while we waited outside? Ever think about asking for help? Oh wait what am I saying you would rather suffer in silence, pretending everything is fucking fine, well give it up ask for help because allowing yourself to be punching bag isn't fucking healthy." I go on the defensive crossing my arms over my chest and reaching for my head phones I refuse to respond or acknowledge any of this. We need to be on the road and eventually they will give in and get back to driving.
I can't help but lash out at Colt though he is looking at me so concerned and what fucking right does he have to do this. "What the hell are you staring at Colt? You made it clear in your text you want nothing to do with me so mind your own fucking business." He looks confused and I wonder why but as soon as he opens his mouth to respond I pull the headphones back on, tuning him out. We are moving a few minutes later and I watched Colt who sits in front of me, he is going through his phone frantically and then he grabs my phone off the seat beside me I shrug getting use to people going through my phone lately. Next thing I know he is yelling at someone on the phone, and I have never seen him so pissed off, everyone else seems uncomfortable so I pull down the headphones to eavesdrop.
"You used my cell phone and texted him, behind my back Marshall and this whole time I've wondered what the hell I did but it was you! You caused this and now Ravens beating the crap out of him. This is Punk he is not going to walk away from him now, hell to him this is perfectly normal it is all he has ever known of relationship. Why the hell would you do this? What the fuck is your problem?" The silence in the van as he listens makes me nervous I have never seen him so angry, he is shaking and I want to comfort him but I'm confused if he didn't send the text who the hell did. "Are you fucking kidding me, you did this because you are jealous of our relationship, our completely platonic, non-sexual relationship with my best friend in the fucking world. Well that is beyond pathetic and if I could think straight I would use some very colorful words! I will pack up your shit when I get home and ship it to you don't call me, don't try to stop by this is way beyond over Marshall. Have a great fucking life asshole." Everything is clarified and it doesn't make me feel better in fact my brain hurts, our platonic non-sexual relationship is in jeopardy because of Colt's boy toy. Well that just is fucking wonderful, Colt just made it clear there is nothing between us and on top of that he thinks I am pathetic and staying in a relationship because I don't know better. Great just perfect could this day get any worse. I yank my headphones back into place and blink away the tears refusing to cry, the thing is Colt is still pissed and shaking and my need to calm him down is increasing I finally lean against the seat in front of me and wrap my arms around his neck giving him an awkward hug. I feel him lean back against the seat and I bury my face into his neck breathing in. I'm still pissed at him but now for different reasons and I guess never speaking to him again is not an option. I turn off the headphones and tossed them on my seat, he tugs on my arm and I move forward so I am now sitting beside him I bury my face back into his neck as he holds me. I want to comfort him, but somehow he is comforting me. The tears I had tried to hold back dripped onto his neck and I hope he doesn't notice, he strokes my back and I smile at the touch once again his puppy. "Getting the shit beat out of you isn't love or normal do you get that Punk?" I want to agree with him, yet I'm not sure I know this so I shrug and he sighs hugging me tighter. It feels so good and I find myself relaxing for the first time in days. My eye lids become heavy and I know he is talking and it sounds important but sleep hits me hard and I just find myself snuggling closer to him practically sitting in his lap as I drift off, his voice stops but the soothing stroking of my back remains, lulling me deeper into a dream world I haven't been in for days.
I woke up several hours in a strange hotel room alone, I wonder briefly where everyone is until I see the note on the night stand. Apparently we stopped for the night as everyone is exhausted and the person who would normally drive for the night would not wake up they had decided to call it a day. Now they were off picking up food and I am alone probably for the first time in days. Maybe weeks it seemed since I started this thing with Raven he never left me alone ever. I make my way into the bathroom needing to piss like a race horse, as I wash my hands I stare at my reflection the bruises are bad and its going to be hard to explain the fact that someone beat the hell out of me to the promoter but at the moment I could give a fuck less. What I am really wondering is why I am allowing this to continue, when did I become weak like my mother I women I could barely tolerate and who I have little respect for. A voice in my head is telling me to seek help, that I can not fix everything on my own and that maybe therapy wouldn't be a bad idea. I shut that down quickly therapy means your weak, crazy and can't handle your own shit. I can handle anything that this world throws at me, I always have always will by myself I don't need anyone. Though as I stand there I begin to doubt that maybe I need Colt, or Raven, or someone anyone to hold the pieces together.
I make my way back to the bedroom turning on the TV hoping mindless infomercial would shut of my thoughts, it doesn't work and I find myself getting mad again at Colt. I'm not even sure why I do this maybe it is easier to take my feelings out on him, though I'm usually not very picky at who I lash out at for no reason. Yet Colt is where my anger has fallen more and more lately and right now I'm infuriated with him. He thinks I am unable to take care of myself, that I have no clue how to be healthy , and in a normal relationship that I expect to be abused at that thought my brain adds its two cents "don't you think its normal? Expected that the person who cares about you is going to attack? I wish you would figure this out I am tired of being lonely" Not cool, not cool at all I argue with my head, in reality arguing with myself, I am not lonely, I am never lonely I don't need anyone, people hurt you, they let you down, and people leave I'm tired of people leaving. So in general people suck and Colt Cabanana is on the top of my list for people who suck. My head wonders where Raven falls on that this. I think about this and realize I haven't yet put him on the list, he hasn't earned it yet and isn't that just fucked up the guy who beats me to show his love hasn't made my list it actually seems like to much effort to find a place for him there. I question why this is and wonder if my feelings for him are as deep as I want to believe.
I change my thought process back to Colt and away from Raven a man I knew I needed to respond to my phone had informed me I have several missed messages. Colt, Colt, Colt, where do we go from here? When did it become so obvious to everyone around us that I have feelings for you? Have they told you? Do you care? I hate that they know I pride myself at being able to hide my emotions but when it comes to you I am apparently a open book and I hate it. I hate a lot of things lately, maybe I am just become more jaded and cynical who knows. I miss you Colt, I wish I could say the right words but instead I find myself pushing you away, so what do I do now? Stop thinking that is what the hell I am going to do I am giving myself a headache, I'm going back to sleep at least in my dream self can make up his damn mind. I go lat down when the door opens and I hear my friends return I close my eyes and listen to their whispered voice. Ace is speaking, my friend, my mentor, the only father figure I currently have and I feel myself welling up at his words. "I guess what I don't understand is how he can be so amazing and strong in the ring, he can cut a promo like no one else he holds nothing back when he is in that spotlight, but behind the scenes I feel like he has lost himself the last year, he is withdrawn, sad, almost lost and the arrogant jerk is disappearing more and more. I want to help him but I have no clue and it scares me that he is letting Raven hurt him like this he always said he would kill anyone he ever saw abusing a women but he allows it to happen to himself. It scares me to think of what he might do to cope and you Colt seem to be the only one to be able to get through to him." There was a brief silence before Joe spoke up.
"We don't know that Raven hitting him was nothing more then a one time thing, not that I am condoning it but we can't jump to conclusions here." Colt snorted at Joe and it made me smile. I miss that obnoxious attitude because don't get it wrong Colt made be a funny guy and like a good rib, but he still has the human side where he can be an utter tool.
"Okay first off Joe, the bruises are fresh and old both some are already fading no one heals that fast. IF I ever personally see Raven touch him, he is a dead man not that he isn't already. Raven and I are going to have a little chat next time I see him. Secondly Ace, I wish I had some magical remedy that could fix him, he is pushing me away more these days that letting me be his friend. At some point I have to give in and give him the space he wants. I believe with all my heart that Punkers is still in there he just needs to find his way through some bullshit right now, which he is allowed this time after everything he has been through." I dare to crack my eye lids and see both Ace and Joe frowning at Colt.
"You know how he feels, and what could help yet you won't act on anything Colt, we saw you in the van how you held him just admit to him the truth and let the cards fall where they may. I still say we can't jump to conclusions with Raven it is not fair to the man." Colt turned and looked at the bed looking at me and I squint my eyes tighter.
"Punk isn't ready for that yet, if I go to him it would never work I need him to come to me which I hope he decides to do sooner or later, and as far as Raven goes lets ask Punk, first time he hit you today?" I don't know how Colt knows or how long he has known I'm awake but he does, hell Colt always knows everything, even things I don't want him to know. I shake my head no and feel the bed shift as Colt sits down.
"You guys are shitty whispers no one can sleep with you going on and on." I state shifting away from Colt as I sit up my back to the headboard I don't meet his eyes hoping he would just go away, I need time to make sense of the conversation I just over heard and everything Colt said, what the hell is he waiting for me to come to him about? If this has to do with coming to him for help with Raven then he can forget it I can handle this on my own.
"Bullshit you've been awake since we walked in the room, probably before that since the TV is on and we left it off. Feel like talking about anything you just heard? I brought you a pizza it is over on the table." It gives me an excuse to put space between Colt and myself so I stand and go to the box, opening it I see my favorite type, though not deep dish or Chicago style it will do for now. I eat and they all stare at me chewing hurts, and so does swallowing could be from being choked earlier today who the hell knows or cares anymore I don't I've forgiven him already too much energy to be pissed at Raven right now. I must have made a face because Colt stands and retrieves a soda for me I take it without speaking not looking up at him, the cool liquid soothes my throat and I rub the back of my tiredly. I just slept for hours and all I want to do right now is curl into a ball and go back to sleep but this conversation seems to be happening whether I want it to or not.
"Where are we" I finally ask trying to make conversation that doesn't lead to a place I don't want to go, plus if I need to escape it would be nice to know what city we are in.
"Connecticut someplace Danbury, or something like that." Ace answers with a shrug and they still stare. I look at the clock seeing it is almost midnight I'm about to answer Colt's first question when my phone goes off I grab it from the table and see Raven is calling I really don't want to talk to him in front of my friends so I look around seeing a door that leads out to a small balcony, amazed this cheap hotel even has one I stand and slip outside to some eye rolling from my friends. I answer and Raven immediately starts talking, never once does he apologize he just starts blaming me and I accept the blame because he is right, this is my fault.
It's cold I recognize and look around, snow falls steadily from the sky and a blanket of white is already coating the ground. I wonder if we will make it out of here tomorrow as he continues to talk. The blame continues and I don't speak its my fault for not accepting the plane ticket, my fault for refusing to do what he wanted, my fault for going with Colt when he told me not to. It's my fault for not canceling the booking and staying with him. He just want me with him, like a fucking puppy I think to come at his beck and call. He demands to know where we are, and when we will be back. I tell him where we are but not that we are at a hotel. I tell him the same thing I've already told him, we will return as expected. I know he will be there waiting for me, I know it could mean another beating but I can't find the energy to care I wonder when I have become so apathetic to life. I tell him I miss him, because that is what he wants to hear I'm not sure its true, he says he loves me and I mumble it back putting no real emotions behind the door. I miss the door snapping open behind me so it startles me when my phone is taken from my hand. Colt begins a screaming match and I just stand there watching it snow, almost hoping it traps me here forever. I listen to the yelling not sure how raven is responding but thinking this will be bad for me. I watch as Colt hangs up and my phone is flying through the air landing in the snow-covered parking lot shattering. I follow its descent and try to get angry at this Colt growls that he will buy me another one. I nod and look at him, he is shaking again and I reach out placing my cold hand against the bare skin of his arm. I want to ask if he is okay, I want to comfort him but I feel so empty that I just stand there my hand on his arm. I feel myself shiver in the cold night air and Colt catches this he is about to pull me inside but I refuse to move just tightening my hand on his arm. I open my mouth yet nothing comes out, I love you I want to scream yet a small "I'm sorry" tumble from my lips. He laughs bitterly and I can see the anger returning I wonder why.
"You're sorry for what Punk? He should be sorry, he did this to you yet here you are standing in the cold telling the man who beat you and if I am to believe what he just implied raped you. Did he lie about that?" I want to decline his accusation but in a way it was rape I didn't want to only gave in so I could breath. So I remain silent and Colt reaches out and grabs my shoulders squeezing hard. "You stand out here and tell him you fucking love him, you do that with this man so easily why the fuck is that. How do you so easily say the fucking words to him?" I don't respond, I can't all words have failed me at this point I know he is right I want to tell him this, that I am not going back to Raven, that I don't love him, that I in fact love you but I can't. I stand my hands on his wrist trying to ease the pressure on my shoulders and watch him as he rages. Struggling with something I don't understand, I try again to speak and then shake my head looking down biting at my lip ring. Whatever he is struggling with seems to end as I slammed against the door and his lips crash onto mine. Colt is kissing me, Colt is fucking kissing me, and I don't know what to do. I wanted this but not this way, he is so angry and I am so broken there I admitted it I'm fucking broken. His anger is dominating this kiss his tongue forcing its way into my mouth and I clutch the shirt in front of me not pushing him away though, oh no bringing him closer trying to wrap myself around him.
His hands are on my body in places I have always wanted him to touch, but not like this I think. This doesn't feel like love it feels like possession, proving a point and I am letting him. I am so tired of being a possession. As his hand slides underneath my shirt I shove him hard and he stumbles back. The passion in his eyes startle me, but it is quickly replaced by what looks like guilt and concern. My hand fumbles with the door knob and as he reaches out to me I am through the door, across the room and out, then I am running. I hear foot steps behind me but ignore them, I hear my name being called but I don't stop, I run through the snowy blackness, run until I can't breathe, until my legs finally give out and I sit on the side of a lonely stretch or road. Then I scream, because it is too quite and I scream until I'm hoarse.
I finally wipe away the tears I didn't know I even cried and stand on unsteady legs looking around the cold finally seeping in. It dawns on me I have no coat, no phone, and no idea where I am. Or what the name of the hotel is I am staying at. I begin to walk going back the way I think I came. Great my tombstone is going to say I died from stupidity by running into a blizzard because I freaked out when the man I am in love with kissed me. Little wordy for a tombstone but I am sure they will make it fit. I walk for what feels like hours shivers overtaking my body I pull my arms from the short sleeve shirt and tuck them inside trying to stay warm somehow. I hear my name and think I may be losing my mind so I just keep walking. I trudge through the good foot of snow in my sneakers my feet wet not looking up until I literally collide with something. Ace is standing before me concern all over his face, it whips off his own jacket and I am bundled inside of the warmth. I hear him speaking and he has his cell phone out then his arms are wrapped around me and I think I hear him call me an idiot before my legs give out and I am scooped up. I hear a vehicle approaching and I recognize our van as the door opens I am placed into the warmth of the van and another set of arms surround me as well as another coat I smell Colt but don't bother looking up at him. I am so embarrassed right now but the warmth from the two men is soothing. We get back to the hotel and I am carried inside by Colt, the coats are removed and I am in the bathroom, standing in a warm shower before I finally feel my mind coming back to me.
Someone brought me clothes and when I am no longer freezing I pull them on. I hesitate at the door knowing Colt is on the other side. I wondered if I could just stay here until it is time to leave but instead muster my courage and open the door, my eyes adjust to the room quickly it is dark accepted for candles, everywhere there are lit candles and I am wonder if I am dreaming. Colt stands in the center of the room, the only one here. I stand in the door way unsure of what is going on. "You have a choice, Ace and Joe have a room up the hall you can go stay with them, or stay here and let me love you the way you need." I'm sure my mouth hit the floor did colt just proposition me, did he just imply love. I am sure I heard wrong, my brain is positive of it, my feet on the other hand have crossed the room on their own accord to stand in front of Colt. I reach out with a trembling hand and tug at the bottom of his shirt. He doesn't speak just pulls the offensive object off tossing it on the floor. My hand traces bare skin and I lean forward placing a small kiss on the center of Colt;s chest right over his heart. I'm sure when he removes my shirt my heart stopped beating and when he picks me up and walks to the bed I forget how to breathe. He lowers me down, his weight presses against me, my legs wrap around his waist and I look at him curiously. When his mouth connects with mine, my brain sighs there it is I think, the kiss I've waited forever for. Tender, gentle, distinctly Colt his taste sending me on a high I have never known. I wonder if I am dreaming, if I'm really passed out in a snow bank on the side of the road. So I wrap my arms around his neck and squeeze gently. Nope not a dream, he is real, he is here and I never want this moment to end. He pulls away all to soon and his eyes are searching mine and I;m not sure what he wants to see but I try to convey to him the love that's hidden inside. I smile and his face lights up slightly. "Phil if we do this tonight, we talk in the morning, no holding back on me. No promises for tonight just I need to know you will talk to me." I stroke my hand down his back feeling his strength and his desire for me.
"We will talk, I will try to tell you everything, I just need help to burn my walls down. I've been lonely too long, just let me feel tonight please" I whisper this and a sadness flashes across his face before once again he is kissing me and my mind disappears as my body takes over.
Trying to decided if I should start the next chapter with some hot loving, or go right to the next morning and the conversation they need to have, though it most likely won't go Punk or Colt's way when they talk. Thank you for those who have read this but please please review.