As the pair made their way along the road to the Sleeping Forest, Red plotted ways to make Wolf's life miserable, while at the same time working out new strategies to get rid of his annoying hanger-on for good. With a bit of luck and clever timing, he might even be able to pull off both at the same time, which would give him no small amount of satisfaction. The only question was, how? There were some incredibly rare and dangerous mushrooms and berries growing in the Sleeping Forest...perhaps he could somehow trick Wolf into eating something...
Wolf was also, for the most part, lost in his thoughts. Instead of working out various ways to get rid of Red, however, his thought process was bent more to contemplating the mysteries of the universe, which, in his mind, really boiled down to only one question:
Does Red wear boxers or briefs?
Surreptitious glances at the region below the younger man's waist did nothing to help him solve this most mysterious of mysteries. Red's trousers, though certainly not what one could term 'loose' by any stretch of the imagination, were also not incredibly tight. This held well for Wolf's boxer theory, though the red-cloaked youth could also just as easily be wearing briefs beneath that sexy black material.
Or...
Wolf's right hand twitched slightly as he remembered the delightful feel he had managed to cop right after he'd set Red down. What sort of material had been lurking beneath those cute little black slacks? Silk? Cotton? Or...nothing at all?
He wouldn't put it past the sly little vixen to go commando.
He chanced another glance. Red, noticing this, glared at him.
"Get your mind out of the gutter, you pervert," he said, almost automatically.
"Why, Red! Whatever do you mean by that?" Wolf's air of injured innocence was truly a work of art.
"You ask as if you don't know." Red grumbled. "Look you, stop staring at my ass, or I'll..."
"Yes?"
"I'll..."
"Yeeees?"
"Shut up."
"You'll what? You'll throw me down in the bushes and have your dirty way with me? Oh, my!" Wolf brought a hand to his face in a coquettishly girly gesture. "I don't usually bottom, but for you, sweet Red..." he trailed off, leering suggestively at his now indignantly spluttering companion.
"You are vile and disgusting and I hope you die." Red deadpanned the moment he managed to find control of his tongue. For good measure, he reached into his basket and pulled out his emergency double chocolate fudge and treacle muffin. It wasn't actually very edible, as it had been first been frozen, then horribly burnt, and was about as hard as a diamond besides. Despite these obvious design flaws (muffins were, after all, meant to be eaten), it was still good to have on hand in case of an emergency. So far, he had only used it twice in his life: One time to save himself from a rampaging troll, and the other to knock out a strange girl that was half unicorn, half elf, half fairy and half human (how she was so many halves and didn't look like a freak, still boggled his mind to this very day) with shining hair of golden sunshine and sparkling eyes as blue as the sky. Oddly enough, the girl had actually frightened him more than the troll had.
Armed with the muffin, he took careful aim before throwing it at Wolf's head. It connected, as he had hoped, causing Wolf to fall over in pain. Satisfied, Red began to skip ahead, a bounce in his step.
Wolf lay on his back in the road for several minutes, completely stunned by the hard, rock-like object that Red had so forcefully chucked at him. He could hear the other man's skipping footsteps receding into the distance, but couldn't bring himself to get up and chase after the little prat. Red was so going to pay for this latest indignity, and pay dearly. There would be spankings later, at the very least, or he wasn't The Big Bad Wolf.
Slowly, almost as though he were just waking up from a deep sleep, Wolf sat up. The rock-like object that Red had thrown at his head was sitting innocently off to one side, as though it were merely waiting around for something interesting to happen. Scowling, Wolf reached down and picked it up, bringing closer to his face so that he could examine it.
He sniffed, catching a faint waft of a familiar, deadly aroma...
"TREACLE? That little shit's going DOWN!"
Red, meanwhile, was chortling gleefully at his success, and unaware of the punishment Wolf was even now plotting for him. Being whacked in the forehead with the chocolate treacle muffin of DOOM was not something that victims could recover from quickly, as he had learned from past experience. If he kept up the brisk pace, he might even be able to reach the border of the Sleeping Forest before Wolf could recover and catch up, and thereafter lose himself in aforesaid wood.
"I should have done that sooner." he said to himself, still grinning from ear to ear. Usually he would have questioned the ease with which he had rid himself of the pesky Wolf, but something was finally going right for him that day and he didn't want to spoil it, in case he inadvertently invoked the Ironic Overpower. "Ah, the joys of being unpestered." He continued to skip merrily in high spirits towards the Sleeping Forest, which emitted a soft melodic sound every once in a while. Unlike most forests and woods of the land, the Sleeping Forest was not enchanted. The worst things one could find within its borders were a handful of hungry bears, as well as a few trolls. Oh, and wolves. But he didn't want to think about them...
Other beings of slightly less dangerous nature resided within the forest as well, including the occasional water nymph that lived in the stream that divided the wood into two. His grandmother (who still lived, despite her ancient age) also called the place home, as well as a few foxes and weasels, and, of course, the forest's official keeper, Hunter Woodson.
Red stepped under the dark, coniferous canopy at last. He checked over his shoulder a few times as he made his way further in, but he was happy to report no sightings of indecently tight black leather. He sighed happily, glad to finally have some peace and quiet. The Sleeping Forest was very well-named. Unlike other, more obviously magical forests, this one was, for all intents and purposes, asleep. It was also, by default, nicely quiet. He expected absolutely no trouble getting through it. However, the Ironic Overpower still had some plans left for our hooded hero, so it was almost no surprise that he had walked right into...
"Oof!"
...A tall, rugged, manly sort of man.
"Oi! Watch where you're going!" Red growled in irritation, catching his balance and straightening his hood.
"Oh, dear, I'm terribly sorry. Are you alright, miss?"
"Who're you calling 'miss?'"
"Oh, dear, I'm terribly sorry--er...Red?"
"Yes, Hunter?"
The man called Hunter Woodson blinked a few times, and scratched his head in bemusement as he stared down at the petite young man before him. Red regarded him with the patient sort of calm he'd developed after the many encounters with old acquaintances he'd had over the years. People he hadn't seen for several years usually reacted in a rather slow-witted, confused sort of way--probably something to do with his decided lack of development once he'd passed the age of fifteen. Hunter, general all-round nice guy, but not the brightest crayon in the box by any stretch of the imagination, was no exception.
"You're uh...you're looking well," Hunter said finally, though it was obvious to Red he was struggling to come up with something else to say to fill the rather awkward tension. Red sighed. It never was easy, randomly running into old exes, especially this one. Not that Red hated Hunter. Oh, no--that wasn't the case at all. Hunter Woodson was actually one of the few people he still got along with fairly well. Hunter had been his boyfriend before the Grandma/Wolf incident some years back, and because of that incident, had broken up with him. Red winced slightly, remembering the reason for the break. Hunter had been rather upset when, as all the wacky hijinks had drawn to an end, he'd finally worked out that Red was male. It still grated on his nerves somewhat - Out of an entire world full of Fruity Fairies, Prissy Princes and Ornery Orcs, Hunter just had to be straight.
But presently, he supposed that it was a good thing. Hunter wouldn't randomly attempt to get into his pants, and--if he was willing to chat for a bit--they might even be able to catch up for old times' sake. And maybe Red might even be able to convince him to play 'bodyguard' for a bit. Thinking back to the whole pie thing with Wolf, and also considering what had gone on in Wonderland in the brief time they had been there, not to mention the events of just a few minutes ago on the road, he figured it wouldn't hurt to have a little extra muscle for the rest of the journey to the Wicked Fairy's castle.
Smiling in the way he knew used to make Hunter flush--and still did, he discovered, much to his amusement--he replied in a friendly manner. "And you look exceptionally well. I suppose I should say that it was nice bumping into you, but I do believe I would be lying if I thought that the literal sense was anywhere near pleasant." Suddenly remembering something, he pushed back his hood. After all, if it was polite to tip one's hat, then one was probably also obliged to remove one's hood.
Hunter still had a slightly confused expression on his face as he tried processing what Red had said, but his face brightened up at the sight of the other's. Spontaneously, he grabbed the smaller man and gave him an almost bone-crushing hug.
"Red! Red! It's so good to see you, old friend! I haven't seen you...I haven't seen you since we were little!" he stated, all of a sudden jovial. He held onto Red--who was turning an interesting shade of blue--for a few more moments before putting the gasping man down, thumping him soundly on the back in what he probably thought was a comradely, manly fashion. To Red it felt almost like the other was trying to knock him down, though he knew that wasn't true. Probably. "Oh, Red. We must catch up! And have some tea! Come on, let's go to my cabin." And before Red could put his plan of using Hunter as a bodyguard into action (or even protest for that matter), he was dragged away into the forest.
--------------
"You're kidding me? That Wolf is still on you?" Hunter asked, pouring himself another cup of tea. He and Red had been talking for at least an hour in the cozy confines of Hunter's cabin, catching up on the years they hadn't seen each other. The cabin was really a rather quaint little home, but it suited Hunter perfectly. It had once belonged to his cousin thrice removed, who had given it to him after he had died. The kitchen and dining area, like most of the rooms of the woodsman's home, contained quite a few portraits depicting the Woodson family.
There was Jeremiah Woodson, the first man to completely map out the entire southern portion of the Sleeping Forest. Next to Jeremiah was Anderson Woodson with his two sons, Watson and Warren, twin brothers who had become known as the greatest hunters in all the land. After Jeremiah was Jason Woodson, Hunter's father and the man from whom he'd inherited his rugged good looks. Jason had been an adventurer all of his life, traveling far and wide to seek his fortune, only to end up settling down at home, where he found his wife and had a family.
The Woodsons had a very long lineage, almost as long as some of the royalty, but that is another story entirely. Red's eyes often wandered to these pictures as he sat and chatted, wondering idly at times why his own walls at home did not contain family portraits as well.
He sighed as he turned to answer Hunter's question. "Yup. I honestly think I should catch him and get him neutered or something...because he drives me nuts." he said, frown firmly in place.
"That's a little...extreme, isn't it?" Hunter asked, blanching slightly at the vehemence in Red's voice.
"In this case? No. Trust me." Red assured him, taking a vigorous swig of his tea.
"Oh...well...alright, then."
The conversation returned once more to more amiable topics, and it was nearly an hour later again before Red stood up from where he was seated at Hunter's kitchen table.
"Thanks for the tea, Hunter. Sorry I can't stay longer, but I really must be going..."
Hunter, ever the vigilant, trust-worthy gentleman, frowned. "With that Wolf skulking about out there? I don't like it..."
Red sighed slightly, but spotted his chance – Not only would it be nice to have a bodyguard, but Hunter was actually pretty good company, all things told. Of course, anything was an improvement over the company he'd just left.
"Well, then, why don't you come with me?" he suggested, his voice flirtatious.
"I...uh...er..." Hunter blinked several times and began to blush. If he weren't trying to entice the man to help him, Red would have laughed. It was rather amusing the way Hunter still got flustered when Red flirted with him, even though the man didn't swing that way.
"Oh, come on, it's only to the other side of the forest! And maybe we can drop by Grandma's place as well, since it's on the way."
"Well, I guess it's not like I've got anything better to do right now...and I had planned on patrolling that side of the forest today anyway, so...why not?"
"Great!" Red clapped his hands together in what he admitted was a calculated gesture of feminine glee. If Wolf had been watching, no doubt he would have raised a disbelieving eyebrow at Red's underhanded tactics.
The two men left Hunter's cabin and set off through the Sleeping Forest at a fairly brisk pace, towards Grandma's house.
As they walked side by side, Red pulled out the scroll of chores his godmother had given him earlier in the day. He had a bit of a problem with it (as he had indicated when he crumpled it up in his rage at the indecency of the tasks given to him) and he still did. Besides delivering the requested items to the Wicked Fairy, Red also had other things to do, like look for the cottage of the long missing Princess Briar Rose upon whom the aforementioned Wicked Fairy had placed a dastardly curse.
It was said that when Princess Briar Rose turned sixteen years old she should prick her finger and then die. Note: should. Always being a bunch of nosy busybodies, one of the other fairies who had come to celebrate the birth of the princess had alleviated the curse somewhat so that Briar Rose would fall into an enchanted sleep instead of dying outright. The downside was, she would sleep away forever and a day, unless some brave prince could come and set her free by True Love's First Kiss.
Red had to fight from gagging at the thought of a stranger kissing another stranger so that they could just wake up. It was just indecent, that's what it was. And what happened if they had bad breath? Or, gods forbid...they got fresh before they decided to wake you up? Then again, he supposed he wouldn't be too surprised if that ended up being the case. The fairies loved those sorts of things. Bunch of bloody perverts. And Death wondered why he hated them so much. He knew one thing for sure, though: If those blasted fairies were to so as much think about letting that sort of thought into their heads about him, he was going to take his godmother's scythe and go on a rampage.
Thinking about how he was going to go about finding Briar Rose--as the world was a very large place and the meddling fairies had whisked her off somewhere--his eyes caught sight of one of the other chores. He frowned as he read the line. 'Check out disturbance in the Province of Glass, the Tempus Kingdom'. Now what type of disturbance could this be? He began to ponder the many things Death could define as a disturbance, when he found himself walking straight into Hunter for the second time that day. This time, however, he bit his tongue so he wouldn't tell him off. He was wondering what had caused him to stop in the first place.
Looking around the bigger man he blinked at the sight that met his eyes. He then proceeded to vigorously rub his eyes, as he couldn't believe what he saw. Now, he was not going to even think about the beauty of this girl, nor try to describe how graceful she was, but he was mentally doing a victory dance as he pulled out a pen and crossed off one of his chores. He had found Briar Rose. How did he know? Who else would have gold of sunshine in her hair? Or blood red lips that could shame the reddest rose? Who else, but a damsel would be caught dead dancing around in the middle of a forest, but she who is gentle and fair unlike any other? Red vaguely wondered what Briar Rose would have looked like if the fairies hadn't intervened, and winced. Probably the product of too much incest for the sake of keeping the bloodline pure.
He wrote down the general whereabouts of Briar before putting his scroll and pen away, after which he was ready to go. He quietly called for Hunter to follow, but the woodsman wouldn't budge--even when he kicked him in the shin in an attempt to snap him out of it. Red waved his hands and snapped his fingers, but Hunter was totally transfixed with the vision before him. It was only when Red pieced two and two together and commented on his assumption did the man finally snap out of his stupor.
"You have a crush on her," the small man surmised, feeling just a little jealous and a might concerned. According to speculation, Briar Rose was destined for True Love, and in their twisted world that meant that she was going to end up with some brawny and blue-eyed prince. And if he remembered his chores well enough, it was his solemn duty that he help Aunt Love (Death's half cousin thrice removed on her aunt's uncle's mother's best friend's side) bring Briar and her prince together. And that meant making sure that the princess was never to be with anyone else. But that was beside the point...
"You like her." he added.
...He detested playing matchmaker.
Hunter blushed a bright tomato cherry red and looked up at the canopy of branches and leaves, suddenly finding it very interesting.
"Feh...Come on," Red said, grabbing Hunter's sleeve and forcefully dragging him away from where the oblivious damsel continued to prance and cavort amongst the bunnies and the birds and the little baby deer, who had gathered around her to bask in her presence. Hunter allowed himself to be dragged along, but couldn't help himself from casting a longing glance over his shoulder at the conveniently sunlight glade where the beauty danced.
Red tried to fight down another little surge of jealousy as Hunter's expression remained one of unalleviated yearning, his mind clearly elsewhere. Why were all the decent men straight? Why was he always the one setting up the decent straight men with the beautiful princesses or the deserving youngest daughters? Why was he stuck with the dregs of society, aka, men like Wolf?
The Ironic Overpower, which he knew existed, must really enjoy torturing him. There was no other explanation for it.
Hunter seemed to come out of his dumb-struck daze as Grandma's house came into view. The house itself was in good repair, as Red still made regular journeys to visit his grandmother and help keep the place looking nice. The two men climbed the three wooden stairs to the front porch, and Hunter knocked politely on the door. After a few moments, the door jerked open just a crack and stopped abruptly, as it was restrained by a chain-lock. A suspicious, squinty brown eye peered through the opening.
"Hullo, Grandma. It's me and Hunter. Can we come in?" Red said pleasantly, smiling.
"Red! It's about time you visited me, boy!" The door slammed shut and the two men could hear the sound of the chain lock being disengaged. When the door opened again, it revealed a tiny old woman, smaller even than Red, clothed in a modest pink dressing gown and fuzzy pink bunny slippers. She wore a white kerchief over her steel-grey hair, which was done neatly in curlers. Elegantly grasped between the fore and middle fingers of her left hand was a cigarette holder, upon which a half-burned cigarette smoldered.
"Oh, and you've brought a friend with you! Do come in, you two, don't just stand there gawping on the porch." With an imperious wave of her hand, Grandmother ushered the two men inside.
"We can't stay for long, Grandma," Red explained as he stepped into the entry-way. "I'm running errands for Godmother, but I wanted to stop by and see how you were doing,"
"Oh, I'm doing just fine, I am. The same as I ever was, no thanks to you, I might add. When's the last time you were around here, huh? Can't be bothered to visit a lonely old woman in her twilight years?" Red's grandmother poked him several times in the chest with one gnarled finger, glaring all the while.
"I was just round last week, cleaning out the gutters. Don't you remember, Grandma?" Red asked in a placating tone, holding up his hands to fend off her violent attack of his person.
"Don't patronize me, boy! And who is this? Another new man who'll dump you as soon as he finds out you're a man?" she turned from Red to Hunter, who was watching her with the sort of bemused expression a St. Bernard might put on when confronted with an overly aggressive toy poodle. "You do know that my grandson is a 'he', don't you, young man?" she demanded. "I won't have you breaking his heart when you go to deflower him and find no maidenhead awaiting your approval, you hear?"
"Grandma..." Red was blushing a lovely shade of crimson, and privately trying to remember why exactly he had thought that this visit was such a good idea.
"I, er, realize that Red's a man, ma'am," Hunter said politely.
"You do, eh?" The old woman paused, blinked, and reconsidered. "You do?" This time, she sounded incredulous, and stared up at him from her diminutive height as though he were some sort of extraordinary new species of rock goblin that needed extra careful study.
"Er, yes?"
The old woman took a long, thoughtful drag on her cigarette as she contemplated Hunter. Red struggled to come up with something to say, but was still thinking madly when she asked, quite nonchalantly,
"So how far have you gotten?"
"GRANDMA!" Red was shocked and appalled. How could this sweet little old lady be asking such a thing?
"I, er, um..." Hunter was at a loss for words.
"Not too far, then, eh? Have you tried-"
"Grandma! This is Hunter! My ex? Remember that whole incident with the Big Bad Wolf ten years ago?"
She blinked, paused, and considered, letting out a long, slow breath and filling the air with smoke. "Hmm...I suppose I remember something of the sort. So you're the boy who broke my little one's heart all those years ago?" she was eyeing Hunter shrewdly, not unlike the way a cat eyes a mouse it intends to have for a meal.
"Er...um..."
"Yes, this is the same guy, but we're still friends, Grandma! Jeez!"
"Humph!" the old woman snorted derisively.
"And we really need to be going now, too." Red was aware that he was being incredibly rude to his grandmother, but he valued Hunter's friendship too much to let her continue railroading them down this line of discussion. She would still be his grandmother after all was said and done, and would no doubt eventually forgive him—Hunter, on the other hand, could much more easily decide that he would rather not be Red's friend anymore, if this continued.
"Fine, fine. Get on with you. But don't forget to come around this weekend – I need help cleaning out the cupboards."
"Yes, Grandmother."
"C'mere, boy, give your grandmother a kiss," the old woman beckoned, and Red obliged, leaning forward and planting a dutiful peck on her cheek. As he did so, he felt her slip something small and flat into the pocket of his pants, and couldn't help but smile. She was always handing out money. The woman may be a nosy old biddy, but she did care about him, and it made him smile to consider.
She smiled pleasantly enough as she saw the two men out the front door. Once she had closed the door, Red let out a huge sigh of relief.
"I'm really sorry about that, Hunter. She's kind of..." he trailed off, unable to think of a good explanation that wouldn't inadvertently insult the old woman.
"No, no, don't apologize. I have a grandmother rather like her...they sort of just take over, don't they?"
"Heh, yeah." Red laughed, feeling better at Hunter's reassurance, and shoved his hands into his pockets. He could feel the small packet his grandmother had placed there, and drew it out to have a look.
His eyes widened in horror when he realized that the small, square package wasn't money at all, but something else entirely. He squeaked in disgust and threw it to the ground, gagging.
"That...dirty old broad!" the words were out before he could stop them. Shuddering, he hurried up the road, leaving both the little packet and Hunter behind in his hurry to get away.
Red kept on running until he had run out of breath, passing by trees, bushes and the occasional cute, furry little animal. It was seriously not his day. First his ruined soufflé, then Wolf, then that humiliating display at the Queen of Heart's court, and now his grandmother and Hunter! He slowed down, stopped by a convenient tree, and proceeded to bang his head against it a few times. After sufficiently giving himself a headache, he sat himself on the ground and pouted. He couldn't believe his family at times. Was his love life so bad that his grandmother saw fit to meddle in it?
He should probably apologize to Hunter for running off on him like that. He must think that Red was a bigger freak than ever, now. He groaned as he imagined the man finding the packet he had left behind in his haste to run away from the embarrassment of explaining why his grandmother had stuck an unmentionable in his pocket in the first place.
"My family is nuts." he said to himself. "I have the personification of Death as a godmother, a crazy grandmother who keeps condoms at her age and--ugh!" He stopped himself short at even trying to decipher what his own parents had been like...not that he remembered them very well. He only knew them from fragmented memories and stories told to him as a child. He shook his head. "Yup. Screwed up family."
He was a little surprised when Hunter appeared a few minutes later, slightly out of breath from chasing after him.
"Are you...alright?" he asked, panting.
"Er...well, yes," Red responded.
"Oh, good. Was it a terribly big spider, then?"
Red blinked, completely thrown off guard. "Er...what?"
"That's what you were running from, wasn't it? I remember you being terrified of spiders, so when you ran off, I thought..."
"Oh. Oh! Yes. It was hideous. Big, bloody hairy thing, it was." Red elaborated, gladly seizing the opportunity for an excuse that didn't involve his grandmother's newly discovered perversion.
Hunter snickered slightly, and then muffled it, looking contrite. Red narrowed his eyes, staring up at the other man in suspicion.
"Are you laughing at me?"
"What? No. No! I wouldn't laugh at you."
"But you just sniggered. I heard you." Red hopped to his feet to narrow the distance between his and Hunter's faces somewhat, glaring all the while.
"Well, maybe I did a little bit..." Hunter conceded, taking an almost involuntary step backwards when he caught the expression on Red's face. "But it's just that...you're so cute!" he blurted out, almost without thinking about it. He cringed slightly when he realized it was true--Red, and practically everything he did, was incredibly cute. It was really hard to remember that he was a man, sometimes, and that worried him more than he liked to admit.
Red, completely unaware of the thoughts running through Hunter's mind, snorted. "Fine. Whatever." He could live with being cute and girly. That was the image he tried to cultivate, after all, and the knowledge that it worked on Hunter, self-proclaimed straight-man, helped to mollify his injured pride. "Do you want to keep going?" he gestured at the road in an off-hand sort of manner.
"Yes, let's." Hunter said, nodding.
And so the two men continued their interrupted journey.
-------------
Meanwhile, a short distance away, a pair of amber-colored eyes carefully swept from side to side across the trail. The owner of the eyes had his hands stuffed casually into the pockets of his leather jacket, and he seemed in no hurry as he made his way through the forest. A glint of color off to the side of the road caught his eye, and he bent down to examine it. When he realized what he had found, he snickered quietly to himself and picked it up. Turning it over in his hands, he brushed miniscule bits of dirt from the package and slipped it into the inner pocket of his jacket.
Little treasure in his pocket, he continued his saunter through the Sleeping Forest. The strains of song caught his ears, but he ignored it--even when the origin of the sound bounded past him, twirling gracefully in her swishing dress as a trail of animals followed in her wake. He raised an eyebrow at the sight, but shook his head as he continued on his path after Red.
-------------------
Way at the other end of the forest where another road led to some ominous mountain entrances stood Hunter and Red, ready to part ways. Red looked ahead at the dark and gloomy clouds circling around the mountaintop where he knew the inner sanctum of the Wicked Fairy's castle was located, looking like a mist of pure evil. Too bad it was named Half-Evil. It made the whole dark and dangerous atmosphere seem less creepy. But that was not what made him step back, unsure if he should proceed or not. It was the ruler of that perilous mountain itself that he feared, not the mountain itself.
He did not remember much about what had happened during his first delivery to the Castle of Half-Evil--with good reason--but from what he did retain, combined with rumors he'd picked up on his journeys throughout the land, he dreaded his present course of action beyond belief. The Wicked Fairy was cruel and petty; selfish and unkind through and through. The fairy was a person of awe inspiring beauty that both drew a person in and sickened them at the same time. It was said that if one stared into the Wicked Fairy's eyes, one would know what malevolence truly was.
Whatever the Wicked Fairy wanted,the Wicked Fairy would get. It didn't matter if it was something small and insignificant or something highly important...no one denied that one. No one.
Hunter looked at Red worriedly as he shuddered in barely suppressed terror. "You going to be alright, Red?" he inquired in concern.
Red looked up at him and couldn't help but tell the truth. "Nope."
"Do you...uh..do you need me to come with you?" Hunter offered.
Red was tempted. OH was he tempted. But he had his pride, after all, and as much as he wanted Hunter's company, he knew he'd be better off in the long run if he faced his fears by himself. He also felt he would be a horrible friend indeed if he dragged Hunter along with him. There were some things friends didn't ask other friends to do, and visiting the Wicked Fairy was one of those things.
"No, thank you, Hunter. That's not necessary. It's sweet, but not necessary." The undisguised relief on Hunter's face when he said this did nothing to make Red feel any better. In fact, it quite made him feel a whole lot worse. Even someone as strong and manly as Hunter wouldn't willfully put himself in the path of the Wicked Fairy, it seemed.
"Well, then, I'll, uh, I'll be seeing you around. Stop by my place on your way back, if you have the time," Hunter said. Tipping his hat, he bowed slightly and practically scurried back to the safety of the Sleeping Forest. Red watched him go, all the while resisting the very strong urge to call him back. Only when the last bit of Hunter had firmly disappeared from view did Red turn back around to face his daunting task. Very slowly, he began to walk up the trail to the hidden entrance of the Wicked Fairy's castle.
Already he was regretting his decision to face the Fairy alone, but there was nothing he could do about it now. There was no way he'd shame himself by running back to Hunter like a little girl and begging the man to come with him after he'd very firmly sent him away. After all, there was a difference between fooling the population into thinking one was a young girl and actually acting like one. He was a man, dammit, and he'd act like one when it really counted.
Red was jerked abruptly from his thoughts by the sound of a voice. It was raspy and put one in the mind of sandpaper being rubbed vigorously on a chalkboard.
"Halt! Who goes there?"
"Red Riding Reaper. I have business with the Wicked Fairy," he informed the voice, whose owner he could not quite yet make out through the requisite dark, eerie mist that shrouded the mountain path.
Then, as if in a vision, the owner of the voice slowly came into Red's view. First a head, as one might expect. And a fine head it was too, with its lovely locks of autumn red crowned by a small circlet of golden leaves. Then came the top half of the body, the arms and then the legs--as one might expect from a person. Although, this was no ordinary person, if Red was anyone to judge. In fact, if the pointed ears and butterfly wings were anything to tell he was staring at a...
"Fae..." he muttered under his breath, trying very hard not to start hyperventilating."...wasn't there a goblin who used to guard this bridge?" Ahead was a bridge stretching over a large chasm, which seemed to be of the bottomless persuasion. There used to be an annoying goblin who made it his task to ask people who wished to cross three questions, which they had to answer truthfully. It was always, as far as Red knew, the same three questions, and the answers were ridiculously simple, so that the bridge goblin was really more of a nuisance than an actual threat. Now that a fairy was standing before him instead of the irritating but harmless goblin, Red was worried.
This particular fae was very bouncy and jolly, compared to the creature that he had replaced, and his attention was apparently somewhere else. Red had to tug at the fairy's wings to get the creature to focus on him once more. "Yes...well, he's on vacation," he said, voice rough and rasping. He cleared his throat a few times and drank some water from a flask at his hip. Singing a few notes, he found that it had become a decent sound, compared to his earlier somewhat wheezing voice. "Right then. Wicked is expecting you, but...you must pass one test." He held up a dainty hand, one finger pointing up.
Red raised an eyebrow and crossed his arms. "And that is...?"
The fae grinned. "A test of virginity!" he announced, much to Red's surprise. He giggled madly as the hooded man tried to make sense of what he had just been told, while sputtering madly in old English. Bad old English. "HARK! For only virgins may pass this mark! Otherwise...go away and ne'er return!"
"Doth thou mocketh me?" Red managed to get out, taking a full step backwards in his surprise. "What sort of imbecilic test is that?"
"'S a very good one, I thought," the fae muttered, looking suddenly downcast at Red's obvious lack of enthusiasm. Red, however, was not fooled for a moment. He knew how the Fae were – tricksy and sneaky, without a decent bone in their tiny, perfect little bodies.
"I refuseth to take part!" Red was slowly regaining control of his outrage, but the bad Ye Olde English was still slipping through a bit.
"Then you can't see the boss. Sorry, munchkin, but that's the way it goes." The fae had recovered admirably from his earlier disappointment. Red, meanwhile, was bristling at being called 'munchkin' by a creature whose head was barely level with his chest.
"I'm sorry, did you not catch my name? Red Riding Reaper? I have business here. Your boss is expecting me."
"Sorry kiddo, but them's the rules. Now are you gonna take my test or not?" The fairy crossed his arms and watched Red impatiently, waiting for his response.
"What does it involve?" Red asked cautiously, already nearly resigned to what he knew was coming. How he hated his job, sometimes!
"Nothing much. I just need to see how you react to...this!" So saying, the fae produced a rolled-up scroll from somewhere about his person and unfurled it with a flourish. Red stared at the image contained therein for a mere fraction of a second before he whirled around, wailing.
"Perverts! Indecency! My poor, virgin eyes!" He fell to his knees, weeping dramatically for what he claimed was his lost innocence.
"Huh...so real virgins actually do exist." The fae seemed nonplussed. "Very well, then, off you go." With that, he disappeared back into the mists from whence he had emerged, rolling up the striking centerfold of the Wicked Fairy wearing a garter belt, thigh-high fishnet stockings, leather boots that came to mid-thigh, and nothing else as he went.
Red wanted to continue weeping at the mental illness of the majority of the population, but knew he'd better get across the bridge before the perverted fae returned with more horrible schemes to corrupt him.
He scurried over the bridge, beginning to plot the many ways he could somehow get back at the general population of the damned fae. He was sure that some of them were decent folk (of course, those would obviously prove the exception to the rule), but all of the Fae he'd ever met just made him want to claw his eyes out. Thanks to the latest in a long line of corrupt little creatures, he was fairly sure he'd never be able to get that blasted mental image out of his mind.
Into the depths of the mountain he did go, darkness surrounding him. He removed a candle from his basket and lit it up, hoping that its tiny flame wouldn't flicker out. He held it in front of him as he trekked onward into the cave, nervously glancing around. Sometimes he heard noises that made him jump and almost drop his source of light. He didn't know how long he had been walking in the semi-darkness, but he wished he were out of there already. The candle he held only lit up to a few feet in front of him, and he had already nearly fallen into two different huge pits twice, and bumped into several stalagmites besides.
Red stopped and gingerly peered behind him, having heard a funny sort of noise. His hand trembled as he brought it to light up the cause, but saw nothing. He gulped and tried to hurry out. For all he knew it could be a gigantic cockroach, or a ravenous mountain lion out of get him. Or worse...a spider! He shuddered. Hunter hadn't been joking about his fear--no...phobia--of the eight legged buggers...
Perhaps the Ironic Overpower was feeling particularly benevolent after that horrific stunt at the bridge, because Red couldn't see anything at all out of the ordinary – not that he could see very far at the moment, of course, but the distinct lack of spiders within his immediate vicinity did much to assuage his nerves. Turning back around, he hurried onward as fast as he dared in the dark caverns, and was soon breathing a (very small) sigh of relief as he emerged from the cave and back out into the open air.
The Wicked Fairy's castle loomed ominously close. Dark, angular, and very Gothic in appearance, the fortress seemed to spring from the very rock itself, perched as it was above a large, bubbling pool of red-hot lava. A very narrow stone bridge connected the island-castle to the rest of the mountain, and it was this bridge that Red had to cross in order to reach the gate. Taking a deep breath and settling his basket more firmly in the crook of his arm, he took his first step towards what he ultimately felt was to be his doom.
Not particularly bothered by heights, even when they involved long falls into boiling lakes of lava, Red strode out over the stone bridge with something approximating his usual confidence. Close inspection would have revealed that his knees were shaking ever so slightly, but no one in their right mind would attempt to inspect someone's knees as they crossed a narrow bridge extended over a gaping chasm, so it's actually really hardly even worth mentioning.
High up in one of the top-most towers, the Wicked Fairy giggled at Red's knees, magically magnified by a makeshift magical mirror crafted from a large silver platter into which ice-cold well water had been poured.
Hey, we said no one in their right mind. The Wicked Fairy is clearly several sandwiches short of a picnic.
Red, blissfully unaware of this latest in his long, depressing line of personal voyeurs, trudged wearily onward, and finally arrived at the castle entry. He lifted his right hand to take a hold of one of the enormous bronze knockers which were mounted just above his head on the black doors. He froze when one of the doors swung open of its own accord, and a gust of warm air blew past him into the dark, cold interior. Gulping, he tugged the edge of his hood low over his eyes, and slipped through the black, narrow opening.