The Rules of Life Chapter 2: The Rules of Finding Love, a naruto fanfic

Um, Hi

BIG DEADLY IMPORTANT MESSAGE!!
If you don't review, I'm just going to take the stories off of here, Okay? I'm sorry to everyone who added me on their Faves, but I'm sick and tired of no reviews! IT'S FREAKING BS! If you don't review, I'll just delete the entire account, and yes. You can blame yourself. Okay? No more of this crap about "I don't know if I like it yet... I'll watch it to see." Either you like it, or you don't, but give me SOME SORT OF FEEDBACK!! Was it good, was it bad? Was it just iffy? Tell me these things or so help me God I will utterly ruin every single story on here! I'll delete them off of my computer and destroy them so completely that I will make you hate the pairings with a passion! I appreciate your time and hope you enjoy the stories.

Sincerely,
OxyMoron

Um, Hi. In this story, ages go like this;

Oldest:

Jiraiya, 66

Tsunade, 65

Orochimaru, 65

Gai, 42

Kakashi, 42

Iruka, 37

Itachi, 32

Kabuto, 30

Deidara, 30

Kankuro, 29

Neji, 28

Temari, 28

Lee, 27

Tenten, 27

Gaara, 27

Kiba, 27

Shino, 27

Ino, 27

Chouji, 26

Sasuke, 26

Shikamaru, 26

Hinata, 26

Naruto, 26

Sakura, 26

Katra, 26

Kaida, 23

Daisuke, 19

Ainu, 6 (daughter of Akamaru, MHRIP)

Youngest

One more thing; I know that everyone's pretty OOC in here… I'm sorry. It worked for the story, so… Yeah. I guess I don't own the characters. As far as I know, the plot's mine, though. I don't remember anybody else using it. Oh, I forgot. Only Kaida and Katra are mine… Oh, and Daisuke. Believe me, he'll be important…. EVENTUALLY!!

The Rules of Finding Love

The small smiling girl would only be a memory. That was what Itachi had planned years ago. She'd be a memory, nothing more. He'd taken care of her for four months, but when he was relocated he would never see her again. And he'd be okay with that… Or so he thought.

"'Tachi! 'Tachi-chan!" the small girl cried, running up to hug his legs.

"Oi, baka-ne! What are you doing here?" he asked the little brunette.

"It's my birthday, and Mommy said that I should come here for a little while! So I came over!" the little girl squealed, looking up at the tall teenager.

"Oh? And how old are you?" He asked, bending down so he was at eye-level with the child.

"I'm, um… This… this many!" she cried, holding up ten fingers.

"I highly doubt that," he said quietly, putting one of her hands and her thumb down. "I think that you're this many."

"No I'm not!" She cried, stomping her foot. She put out her thumb also and said, "I'm this many!" the little girl waved her hand around in front of Itachi, trying to prove that she actually was five years old.

"I don't think so. I think you're only three," Itachi scoffed, standing up straight and towering over the small girl.

"No, I'm older!"

"Six?"

"Younger!"

"Two?"

"Way older!"

"Nine and a Half?"

"Itachi-chan!!" The child stomped her foot again, a pout forming on her lips.

"Then how old are you?" he asked, an amused smirk playing across his mouth.

"I'm five, teme!" She yelled, obviously frustrated that he kept getting it wrong.

"Excuse me?!" He hissed suddenly, looking at her. "What did you just say?"

"Th-that I'm f-five?" she said quietly, his flared temper frightening her.

"After that!"

"T-t-t-teme?" she asked, her voice a mere squeak,

"Who taught you that?" He asked, his eyes burning.

"I-I don't know…" She whimpered, sitting on the ground beside Itachi's feet, her whole body trembling. Itachi's voice softened and he knelt beside the girl.

"I'm sorry, Kaida-chan. Here, to make it up to you I'll take you to get a birthday present, okay?" the small girl looked at him, her tear-streaked face shining a bit, but her lips twitching none the less. Itachi smiled and took her hand as he led her to the nearest market.

Rule #1 of Finding Love: Know that it can be found literally anywhere.

"Ooh, that girl's cute," Kankuro said quietly, gesturing at a girl winding her way through the dancing portion of the club. "And it looks like she's headed right here, too."

"Of course she's headed here. The four of you who won't fit at the table are standing up, and you just happen to be hot as hell. Therefore, every girl in the club will, at one point, make a beeline for you," Ino said to the standing men. Chouji shifted slightly beside her and she leaned into him. "Don't worry, Chouji-kun! They're not nearly as hot as you." Chouji smiled and took a swig of his beer, half-listening to the chatter going on around him between his wife and her new best friend.

Suddenly, a sharp tap on Itachi's left shoulder made him stiffen, and he had spun around before the poor girl even started saying anything.

"Excuse me, but-"

"I'm gay," Itachi said to the girl before spinning back around. She mumbled something he couldn't quite hear, probably a profanity at her misfortune, but he was shocked when she tapped him again.

Rule #2 of Finding Love: Not everyone wants you. Deal with it.

"Excuse me, sir, but-"

"What do you want?!" Itachi asked, turning back around to face the woman. "I already told you, I'm gay! I won't go out with you!" he cried before noticing her face. A fake smile was plastered there, a smile he knew, but… where from?

"Then kiss him," She said quietly, smirking. She pointed at Naruto and he began stuttering like crazy. Sasuke started glaring.

"What?" Itachi asked, caught off-guard. Sasuke merely continued to glare.

"B-b-b-but I-I'm n-not h-h-his b-boyf-friend!" Naruto whimpered as he tried to speak clearly. Sasuke glared.

"Prove it. Kiss him," She smiled evilly, knowing that she had just won. Sasuke lessened his glare and spoke.

"Aniki," he murmured beside his older brother. He was ignored. Again, with the glare.

"I don't have to prove anything to you," Itachi said, straightening his back and glaring at the now hopefully intimidated girl. She didn't look very intimidated with the smirk on her face and a cocked eyebrow.

"Calm down, 'Tachi," Sasuke said louder. Itachi looked at his brother as he continued. "She works here. She's not asking for any of our numbers." Itachi slowly realized exactly what the younger man said and blushed furiously, backing up towards the booth.

"Now, may I finish what I was saying?" she asked, and Sasuke nodded. "Okay, I just came over to say, "Hello, My name is Yuri Kaida. I'm the head bartender here, and I just wanted to ask about how things are going and wondering if anyone needs a drink or a refill?"

"Um, no… No refills…" Naruto said, now that he had stopped stuttering. "Although, if you could tell Tsunade-san something?" he asked. Kaida nodded. "Could you tell her that Naruto says, 'Baa-chan, if you don't get out here and talk to me there will be violence,'?"

Kaida hesitated for a moment, but said, "Uh, sure. I'll deliver the message right now." She then bowed and started making her way back to the front of the club. Suddenly, Itachi glanced at the girl, remembering who she was.

"There's no way," He said, dumbfounded.

"Hmm?" asked Shikamaru, who had been dozing until now.

"I… I know that girl," Itachi said, leaning against the wall beside the booth. (((A/N btw, these are the kinds of booths that are semi circles. Just thought you might want to know. End A/N)))

"What do you mean?" Sasuke asked. "This is your first time in Tokyo in nearly twenty years!."

"Sasuke, do you remember when we lived in that suburb just outside of Tokyo?" He asked quietly. Both Sasuke and Naruto nodded.

"You mean, where you're living now?" Ino chimed in. He nodded.

"We lived there for about how long?" he asked Sasuke.

"Well, from the time that I was five till I was thirteen, so I guess about nine years."

"Yes, but how long did I live there?" Itachi asked, becoming frustrated.

"From when I was five to eight, so three years."

"Yes! And do you remember what my job was until Mom and Dad split up?"

"Yeah, you babysat for one of the local kids. I don't remember her name. Cute kid, though. Really annoying, but cute."

"Kaida-chan," Naruto said quietly. The two brothers had forgotten where they were and that people could hear them talking as they got worked up.

"How do you remember?" Sasuke asked, confused.

"Just because I didn't pay attention in school doesn't mean I didn't pay attention ever!" Naruto replied, sticking his nose in Sasuke's face. With that, Sasuke kissed the nose so near him, making it's owner blush.

"What was that for?" Naruto said, his face turning bright red.

"For being cute," Sasuke replied bluntly as he tried to kiss his boyfriend.

Rule #3 of Finding Love: There is no need to show POA everywhere where you go. Making out in the middle of church is not a good idea.

"Right… well, anyway, that girl said her name was Kaida. I think that was the girl I babysat for!" Itachi said to his brother's friends, getting them back on subject.

"Seriously?" Naruto asked, ducking away from Sasuke. "She got hot."

"Naruto!" Sasuke gasped, acting very hurt. "Don't tell me you've started batting for the other team again! I thought you were with me!" He said, looking away and crossing his arms.

"I am. I just happen to think she's hot. I can think a girl's hot. It's not like you never thought another guy was hot." Sasuke still wouldn't look at him. "Oh, come on Sasu-chan!" Sasuke turned around, his back to Naruto. The blonde boy went over to him, winding his hands around his waist and whispering in his ear. Sasuke suddenly blushed and spun around.

"Okay!" he exclaimed, kissing the shorter boy and getting over his anger.

"I agree," Shikamaru said quietly, making everyone turn to the normally sleeping boy. "Last time I saw her she was flat as a board and had a stupid smile on her face."

"How'd you remember her?" Ino asked suddenly. "I thought you forgot everything about Konoha except Sasuke."

"Well, she was the most rebellious kid I'd ever sat for. She even rivaled Sasuke, and he was three years older than her," he replied, smirking as Sasuke deadpanned.

"I wasn't that rebellious."

"Yes you were," Naruto grinned, earning him a smack on the head.

"Anyway, I think…. I think I'm going to go talk to her. See if she remembers me," Itachi said quietly. Suddenly, a hush stole over the club.

"Then it'll be mine when we get home," a girl's voice sounded through the club, and the standing men looked toward where it came from. At the front of the club, behind the bar, Kaida was gripping the other barkeep by the hair, whispering into her ear.

"In your dreams," The other one snapped as she spun around.

"Every night," Kaida replied, leaning over to kiss the slightly taller girl.

"W-we can't…" the tall blonde girl said quietly.

"Please, Kat. Please…" Kaida begged.

"But all these people are here… They're watching us… We can't," 'Kat' stated quietly, turning away to face the wall. Kaida wrapped her arms around the other girl from behind and rested her chin on Kat's shoulder.

"They can't watch us in the back," Kaida said in an undertone. She licked Kat's ear, who moaned very loudly. Kat then nodded and took the hands from her waist. Without letting go she lead Kaida in to the back, and the door closed behind them.

A sudden applause broke out through the bar, and several of the men at the booth began mopping up the blood pouring from their noses. Then, the moaning began.

"Yes, Kaida! Oh, Kami! YES!" came the voice of Kat from behind the door.

"What. The. Hell?" Itachi asked his brother's friends. Most of the men sat in awe, holding napkins to their noses, while the women shook their heads and lowered their heads, blushing embarrassedly.

After about ten minutes, the back room quieted down, and five minutes after that Kat stumbled out, looking flushed. Her clothes and hair were in disarray and she seemed a little weak in the knees.

"She's a good actress," Sasuke murmured. Itachi and Kankuro looked at him, confused, but he just sniggered.

Rule #4 of Finding Love: Not everybody wants to know about your… Love life.

"I know exactly what ukes act like after a good round." Sasuke smirked at Naruto, who blushed, and continued, "She shouldn't be walking, even after one with a chick. Even after five minutes. He waits no less than ten minutes before he even gets out of bed, let alone gets dre-"

"That's enough, Sasuke-kun!" Naruto cried, forcing a laugh and covering Sasuke's mouth while gripping his arm harshly with the other hand.

"Sorry, Naru-chan, did I make you mad?" Sasuke asked as he pulled his boyfriend's hand away from his mouth. Itachi sighed and decided that, if Kat was done, Kaida probably would be out soon, so he headed towards the bar. He was intercepted several times by girls that were drooling, but ignored them easily by going on about how he was gay.

"Hey," Itachi said as he got to the bar. His deep voice wasn't loud, but it obviously got the girl's attention.

"Hey, baby. Anything I can do for you?" She asked, cocking her eyebrow and leaning over to show the full extent of her bosom. Sleaze.

"I was told to talk to Yuri Kaida-san if I needed anything… When can I do that?" He asked, standing straighter, trying to give her the hint.

"She's still out back," the bartender said, wiggling her eyebrows suggestively, "But I'm sure I can handle anything that she can, if it's important."

"… No, I don't think so. Could you please tell Yuri-san that Itachi would like to speak to her? It's rather urgent," Itachi said after swallowing the bit of throw-up that had lodged itself in his throat.

"Sure, when she resurfaces I'll make sure that she gets your name, hot stuff." Kami, how Itachi hated fangirls. He sat and ordered a 'Plot-less Martini', the house special. As Kat mixed it she began rambling, and Itachi left this universe for one in his own mind, a small place he liked to call 'Mangekyou Sharingan', because in this little world all he saw was a few spinning black commas on a canvas of red. Sometimes he thought that it worked so well he could drag others in with him.

Itachi suddenly became aware of the tall glass in front of him and the girl staring at him intently.

"Arigato," he murmured as he took a sip of the soothing liquid. It occurred to him that this was his first drink of the night, and it was already nearing midnight. Considering the fact that he'd gotten there at least two hours before, Itachi felt proud. Take that, Deidara! He thought about his best friend's bet with him that he couldn't go to a bar without getting drunk within three point five hours of arriving.

"Ma'am?" Itachi called to the tender. She looked up from the conversation she was currently engaged in and smiled at him.

"Yes?"

"Please be sure to tell Yuri-san that I came up here. I must return to my brother now." As he turned and began walking away, he heard her whisper to her slut-friend, 'Beautiful brotherly love, ne?'

Damn, he hated fangirls. Itachi had just made it back to his brother and co. when a door near the bar flew open.

"Naruto's here!" the crazy, busty lady cried as she rushed into the screaming pile of moshers between the bar and the booths.

"Dammit…" Sasuke muttered as he tightened his hold on his boyfriend. He did not want to give him up to his crazy Aunt.

"Sasuke, let go. You're hurting me," Naruto complained as Sasuke relaxed his entire body on Naruto's, making the small frame sway.

"NARUTO!! NARUTO-BAKA!!" Tsunade yelled as she made it through to the group of men to her little Naruto. She scooped him up into a hug, and, as Sasuke was leaning on his uke, he toppled over.

"What the hell, you crazy old bat?!" Sasuke said as he stood, brushing himself off.

"Baa-chan –cough- Baa-chan… -wheeze- I can't… -gasp- breathe… –faint-" Naruto spluttered, trying to take air into his lungs. As his body went limp from effort, Tsunade relaxed her grip and let him fall, coughing, into Sasuke's arms.

"What did you do to my Naru-chan?!" Sasuke said, becoming overly protective again. Everyone else (with the exception of Itachi and Gaara) was rolling around in their seats, laughing.

"Dammit! How come everyone is fainting today?" She asked as she waved the shot-girl over. The shot girl, who had been nicely and shyly chatting up Kiba at the bar, sighed and brought her tray of alcohol to her boss.

"Anything I can get you, Tsunade-sama?" she inquired, holding the tray very carefully. Tsunade took two for herself and offered one to each of the men, which most politely declined.

"Are they free?" Kankurou asked greedily.

"This round is, yes," Tsunade replied dryly. At this, everyone took a glass from the shy girl who was blushing furiously as she took in the crowd surrounding her superior.

"Um…" she looked down as the last cup was removed from her possession. "Look at that! My tray's empty… I guess I should get some more drinks, then?" Without a reply, the petite girl shuffled away, glancing back a few times when she thought no one was looking.

"See, Shino? There are plenty of cute girls! You just have to find them, and this is the perfect place! We're coming here again!" Kankurou said as he watched the short girl run back to the bar.

"Nope. You leave Hinata alone. She just now finally got into a good relationship, nobody at this table is screwing it up or so help me Kami you will never see the inside of this bar again," Tsunade scolded, drinking her first shot in a gulp. "Now, Naruto-kun! Tell me why you haven't called for two weeks! I've been so worried!"

"Sorry, Baa-chan…" Naruto said quietly, looking down and blushing, "It's just that… Well… You know how I've been living in Osaka?" His aunt nodded. "Well, Sasuke and I have been together for a while, but he hates commuting from Hokkaido to Osaka every weekend, so we decided to have a happy medium! Tokyo's right between them, kinda, more-or-less, right? So… We decided that this would be the best place to move! And also, I missed you and loved you andIhavenoplacetostaysowewerehopingthatyouwouldletuscrashatyourplaceuntilwehaveoneofourown."(1)

"What was that last part?" Tsunade asked, finishing her second shot and calling over an older-than-the-others waitress, Yuki.

"Can we?" Naruto asked eagerly as the girl brought Tsunade another drink, this one larger than the others.

"Sheur, why not? Ahm still not sure whatchasaid, but if mah Naruto-aka-chan needsh shomethin', hish anty can provide it!" Tsunade slurred after downing the large drink. She handed the cup back to Yuki, who marched off after being waved down by Kaida from the bar.

"Kaida-chan's back out!" Itachi almost cried out. Before he did, though, he remembered that he was an Uchiha and so he simply muttered his words of excitement.

"Yep! Kaida'sh mah best employee! If it wasn't for that Kachruh she would prolly be puttin' me outta bisness…" the barkeep flopped sideways onto her least-favorite (and only) 'nephew-in-law' as she lost her balance. "Whoops! Guess that means no more tonight!" She smiled, her cheeks crimson from the liquor that she had inhaled.

"Right… I'm going to talk to Kaida-san," Itachi said slowly as he left his poor otouto to deal with a drunk woman and the crowd that had begun forming as the scene grew more hilarious.

"Itachi!" Kaida cried as he approached the bar. His pace quickened slightly as he urged himself to calm down.

"Yuri-san," He said formally as he reached the bar.

"Yes… You are Uchiha Itachi, ne?"

"Yes," he replied tentatively.

Rule #5 of Finding Love: Finding love is not by chance, no matter what age you are.

(1) What Naruto said, "We decided that this would be the best place to move! And also, I missed you and loved you and I have no place to stay so we were hoping that you would let us crash at your place until we have one of our own?"

Kaida: Well, there's another cliffie. You know what? I think that we should have this whole story out by July at the way it's coming out of my mind into words. I think you all will enjoy it.

Katra: ……….

Kaida: What?

Katra: ……………

Kaida: Oh, sorry folks. I finally decided to shut Kat up. Little bitch. Seriously, duct tape really is Kami…. Is there a duct tape religion? If there is, I should join.

Katra: ……….

Kaida: Well, duh! Because it's the one thing that will shut you up!

Katra: ………….!

Kaida: Yes, it is.

Katra: ……….!

Kaida: Yes.

Katra: …….?

Kaida: No.

Katra: ……………?

Kaida: Absolutely not! Eww! That's disgusting!

Katra: ….?

Kaida: No. Itachi, leave her alone.

Itachi: But, my beb-

Kaida: GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE NOW YOU SMEXY BISHIE!!

Itachi: Muahahaha!! You called me a smexy bishie! My existence has been fulfilled! I can now die happily!

Kaida: Like hell you are. I'm not caring for the schitzo's baby, even if half of it is yours.

Katra: …….!

Itachi: Yeah, what she said!

Kaida: How dare you two mock me like that! That's it, out! Both of you! From now on, you're not allowed to even be in the announcements page!

Itachi: But-

Katra: ………………,…………………,…………………,…………………..!!

Itachi: Oooh, that was a little low, wasn't it?

Katra: ……..!

Itachi: Oh, good point.

Kaida: You know what? Fine. I don't care. I'm leaving. –grabs jacket and takes off-

Itachi: Damn, you've really done it this time…. Now how will people know to review? Shitshitshit….

Katra: …….!

Itachi: What do you mean I should do it?! No! I'm not telling the readers to Review!

Katra: ….. . ……………… . … .

Itachi: …. You know that I hate you, right?

Katra: :)

Sincerely,
OxyMoron