Chapter 2

He had been back to the White House for several hours just roaming aimlessly. That encounter in the forest at Camp David had all but killed him. Rejection from Olivia on any level just took all his life energy away. They loved each other, so why in the hell was this so hard. Shit, everyone in the fucking world had an affair successfully except him. He had started this one because he could not help himself.

From the time he was eight and heard his mother's pitiful cries and realized his father was the cause, he had vowed not to be like him. Whatever his father had done to take the light from his mother's eyes he would never do it. The pitiful wailing when she sounded like a wounded animal was the absolute worst.

"Mommy what's wrong," he would ask. "Let me kiss you on the nose and make it go away Mommy. Please don't be sad."

"Little Jerry, your father he doesn't love me. I don't think he ever did. He is out every night with that woman. He has made a mockery of our marriage. He is an awful man," she said between tears.

"But I love you Mommy with all my heart. I am here with you every night. I will keep you safe. You don't need him. I am the man of the house."

And he had tried to be the man of the house. His father's indifference did not just envelop his mother he had no use for him either. No hugs, no words of praise for his accomplishments, nothing but harshness and the back of hand if he dared to contradict him. He had tried so hard to get him to notice him, to see him. He begged him to take him places with him, to come to his little league games, to come to hear him sing, nothing.

One day out of the blue he said yes to him coming with him to his office. He had always bragged to everyone that his father was the Governor of their state. He wanted to know what his father did. He was so happy. In his mind he would grow up to be just like his father and become Governor of this great state.

His father had introduced him to everyone in the office as his son Fitzgerald Thomas Grant III. He told them all about his accomplishments; how smart he was, about his extraordinary singing voice, and how well he played ball. He seemed so proud of him. Then he sent Joseph his bodyguard to buy him some comics to read and he left him sitting at his desk until lunchtime. After lunch Joseph walked him around the state capitol grounds and he met some of the State Senators and Representatives. It was an interesting day after all little Jerry loved politics.

They returned to his father's office and it was more of the same. His father's secretary had been in and out of the office all day and if the truth be told his father seemed to like her a lot. They smiled at each other and he was always touching her. The day had come to an end and he was actually sorry. His father had not been warm and loving but at least he had noticed him and actually had some conversation with him.

"Jerry I want you to walk down to the lounge and get you a soda okay? And you see that chair down there; sit in it until I come for you. I have a very important meeting for the next hour and I do not want any interruptions, am I clear?" he stated emphatically.

"Yes Father, I understand," he had said and he sat and began reading his favorite a Superman comic book. He read another and another. He was tired of Superman now and he wanted to go back to the mansion.

He checked his watch; it had been longer than an hour. He was bored and hungry. He wanted to go to their quarters. Joseph was nowhere to be found. Surely the meeting would not go on much longer. He got up and walked to the closed office door, he walked in. "Father? Father?" He had called out. No one was in there. The adjoining door to his secretary's office was closed. He went over and turned the knob, it was locked.

And then he heard the moaning and groaning and the slapping sounds. "Tell me how much you want it" he heard his father say very clearly. A woman screamed, "I want it Big Jerry, I want it all. Fuck me hard Big Jerry. Suck them hard, bite them." He should have gone back to the chair sat down and waited for his father but he didn't. His father was having sex with his secretary. He had read all about sex and wondered why in the world people did it.

Again he should have gone back to his chair and stayed there until his father came for him. Instead he put his ear to the door and listened to it all. At one point he thought his father had killed her and that his father may have hurt himself as well. But then he heard the secretary say, "Jerry don't ask me to do this again in the office. We have an apartment." His father responded, "I know that Shelia. I pay for that damned apartment remember? You teased me all day today, rubbing up against me and touching me. Expect to be fucked when that happens."

He ran from the office and back to the chair. So his father loved his secretary and not his mother. He picked up his Superman comic and pretended to read. His father finally came out of his office. He walked up to him and said what a good boy he had been and maybe he would bring him to the office every Friday. Not if his life depended on it would he return here!

He had gone home and told his mother what a nice time he had. At dinner that night he informed his parents he no longer wanted to be called Little Jerry or even Jerry. He wanted to be called Fitz short for Fitzgerald. "Why," his parents had asked. "Because I want my own identity," he stated and went back to eating his Beef Wellington.

His father did ask him to come to his office again but he would never go there again until after he himself became Governor. When he became Governor one of the first things he did was have that office gutted and redone before he ever crossed the threshold. All of the offices of his secretaries, administrative assistants, and aides were out front. His own office door was never to closed unless at his request and it was never to be locked.

But now he was embroiled in an affair of his own something he swore on his life he would never do. It was against every principle every vow he had made to himself. He had led a life of undeniable morality. He had promised his mother he would never be like him. He had married a woman he did not love and had planned to do the right thing. They had started out compatible enough. Their sex life had been okay. In the beginning she had seemed to be an active participant and then she just seems to do it because he asked her. She was basically #OneWayMellie and she had absolutely no oral skills.

And then about 13 years ago she just wanted out of any sexual involvement. She had the audacity to suggest they have sex twice a year and fool that he was; he went along with it for several years. Those encounters were the worst sexual experiences of his life. They were meaningless without any emotion except for his orgasm which had taken him longer and longer to achieve. She wanted nothing from the encounter she said and she would just lie there. As he said oral sex held no fascination in giving or receiving. Eventually he could not even get an erection with her so he was glad to discontinue the farce.

She seemed to be encouraging him to take a mistress but he did not. He had said he would not become his father, but now he had become Big Jerry in a sense. He had a mistress technically, but Olivia was no mistress to him, he loved her. God this tangled web he was in he wanted out. He wanted a divorce but he had allowed Liv to talk him out of it. And now she would not be with him because he was still married.

What in the hell did she want from him. He knew she loved him. A man just knows that shit. You feel it you can see it, you do not have to be told. Hell if she did not want him to divorce Mellie why could they not go on as they had. Stolen moments were better than no moments at all. Why could she not see that?

They had made love in that closeted area of the forest before. She had welcomed him in. She had loved the excitement and danger of it all. They had to be selective about the secret service details it was true. But Tom was his most trusted agent. He would do anything for him including aiding and abetting his affair with Liv. Every since he had seen he and Liv in the Oval they had an understanding. He had told Tom how much he loved her. Tom never blinked and eye and said, "I know sir."

Now sitting at his desk he was torn up inside. He wanted to at least talk to her. He wanted to say he was sorry he needed to apologize. He picked up his phone and dialed the number to the private phone he had given her. Did she even carry it now that they had supposedly broken up? She had basically said until your term is complete and you no longer have a wife don't call me. It was ringing and ringing. She was not going to pick up. He let the air he was holding in his lungs out and was about to hang up when he heard her.

"What?"

The Apology

"Olivia, I am sorry. It was Cy's idea to bring you there. He thought it would help me come from the dark place I have been in. When I found out what he had done instead of chastising him I reveled in it because I wanted to see you. I miss you Olivia. I love you. You are right, all of it was personal. I know you are seeing Edison Davis again and it is very hard for me. Knowing another man is touching you is killing me Olivia it is unbearable. I know I am married and have no right to ask anything of you, I know that. But it is still the way I feel, again I am sorry.

You called me to you Olivia with your eyes; I heard you and I came to you. Having you in my arms, you have no idea what I was feeling. When we kissed I lost it. When I am near you I want you I want to be as close to you as I can be. It is not just about sex with us you know that. But I won't deny I wanted to be inside you, I won't. I see you and I want to claim you.

We have had some not so private moments because of our unique situation. We have made love in cars, bathrooms, closets, offices, on desks, against walls, on floors, occasionally even a bed and yes outside in the open with the sun shining on us. We know better, we know it is wrong. But Liv I would not take back any of those moments. They are etched on my heart. They are my lifeline.

Having you in my arms again was what I had been praying for. Once there I needed you so much Liv. The feel of your body next to mine, it overwhelmed me. Your scent, your breast in my hand and mouth, I just lost it. Please forgive me for trying to make love to you against that tree. You deserve so much better than that. It was crass and did little to let you know how much I love and cherish you. Every moment I have with you is almost biblical. I would never choose to offend you I hope you know that. Please Livvie forgive me!

Other than his voice there has been complete silence on the line. He could hear her breathing, but nothing else not a sound. How the hell did he fuck up so badly?