Sakura took a deep breath and turned around.
Sabaku no Gaara was strapped to a hospital bed in the middle of the room, chakra strings glowing around his wrists and ankles, buckles wrapping around his chest and legs. His expression was cool indifference, as though being restrained was a regular occurrence for him. Knowing Gaara by reputation, it probably was.
"Hi." Sakura said lamely, with a goofy little wave.
Gaara's eyes narrowed.
"I won't ask you again." He said coldly.
"Oh!" Sakura laughed nervously, "The Hokage sent me –"
"To see if the monster had escaped?" Gaara interrupted. The only clue that he was angry was the dangerous glint in his eyes. His face was an otherwise expressionless mask. It was as though his eyes were the only thing alive about him. He was about as emotive as a corpse.
"No, no… I have a mission, I need to…" Sakura struggled to find the words. It was very difficult to talk to someone who you had seen so out of control. Gaara looked unimpressed with her so far. Damn it, so much for being 'perceptive and popular.'
She took another deep breath and steeled herself. Gaara was restrained. There was no reason to be afraid of him anymore.
"I'm here to help you with your emotional and mental stability, Gaara-san." She said firmly.
Gaara stared at her, his mouth twisting into a frown.
Sakura pulled out the chair by his bedside and sat down.
"Ever since you fought Naruto, you've been feeling unstable. Is that correct?" Sakura asked, trying to seem casual about the inquiry.
Gaara ignored her.
Sakura felt a twinge of annoyance, but forced it down in favour of smiling again, "Don't feel you have to answer me, Gaara. I'm only here to listen to what you have to say."
His head turned away from her. His arms were bare and were straining even now against the straps and chakra strings that held him down.
"Leave." He said quietly, his voice ringing with authority. This was a ninja who was used to having people listen to him.
Sakura flinched at the sound of the frighteningly cold voice. She remembered Gaara screaming, "Die, Uchiha Sasuke!" He'd flown at him, half human, half monster. She'd jumped in front of him –
"No." She said firmly.
He didn't even look at her, "I said leave."
"And I said no." Sakura repeated, crossing her arms and scowling at the back of his head.
Gaara twitched but didn't say anything.
"OK, I'll ask you something else. Why have you stopped killing people?"
His eyes closed and he breathed in deeply.
He was ignoring her again, Sakura realised, and trying to control his temper.
She was being too blunt. She needed to be subtle. She needed to break down his emotional walls, to show that she could be trusted.
"You called yourself a monster before," Sakura said, self-consciously tucking her hair behind her ear when Gaara's eyes opened and slowly landed on her face, "But I don't believe you are a monster at all."
Gaara's eyes were such a cold shade of green, like frostbitten grass.
It was incredible, how he could appear emotionless and yet inspire such terror within her with those blank, staring eyes of his.
"I've met monsters before, Gaara-san, and I do not believe you are the same." Sakura said, hoping he couldn't see her knees shaking. She remembered Orochimaru, the monster with the glowing gold eyes and sickening grin, who had stolen Sasuke away. It was true that Sakura was far more frightened of Orochimaru than she was of Gaara.
"You don't know anything about me." He said flatly, looking away again. His eyes were on the closed window.
"I know you apologised to your siblings. I know you want to change, Gaara-san." Sakura said carefully, not wanting to push him too far, but wanting to provoke an emotional response in him. Anything would be better than his blank stare!
She could see him thinking about that, and grew a little more bold from it, "I know you want to change, Gaara-san, because I know what it feels like to hate who you are."
Gaara turned his cold eyes on her once more. She cringed at the emptiness she saw within them. How could Tsunade think this boy had emotions at all? She'd only ever seen him raging with anger or with that terrifying, bloodthirsty grin.
"Are you here to talk about you? If the hokage has given you such a mission, then I was right to think her deficient." Gaara said, a touch of contempt in his voice now.
"The Hokage is not deficient," Sakura nearly snapped, failing to hold back the annoyance in her voice, "She is my mentor, and my mission is to help you. How can I help you when you won't even talk to me?"
"You grow angry at someone insulting the one you admire. I do not understand this." Gaara said slowly, and something in his voice told Sakura that this was something that had puzzled him before.
"I admire her, I care about her and I respect her. If someone disrespects her, it angers me, of course it does. Why wouldn't it?" Sakura placed her hands in her lap and loosened up her posture, feet playfully kicking at the linoleum as she relaxed. Gaara glanced at her swinging legs, a flicker of confusion in his eyes, as though he couldn't understand the movement's purpose.
Sakura could hear a bird singing loudly outside of the room. She identified it as a skylark from its beautiful, warbling song, and smiled when she spotted it through the window, soaring upwards, still singing.
Gaara followed her gaze and looked at the singing skylark with very little interest.
"Is there no one like that in your life?" Sakura asked, forgetting who she was asking for a split second. She managed to bite back the little gasp of horror that threatened to escape when she remembered Gaara didn't take the concept of caring for other people well, at all.
Gaara gazed at her steadily, not seeming angry or upset in anyway save for the slight tightening of his mouth, "...No." He said finally, after a few heart-stopping moments.
"Well, if you change your perception of people, maybe you'll find someone to admire?" Sakura suggested, calming down after mentally repeating, he can't hurt me, he is strapped down and his chakra has been leeched out, several times.
"I imagine I would have to travel very far, and look very hard, to find someone worth admiring." He said bitingly, darkness curling at the edge of every word, his eyes hard.
Judging by the bitterness of his words, he was thinking of all the people who had proved unadmirable in his life, Sakura guessed, itching to write it down to study later.
"There are many people in this world who are worth admiring." Sakura chastised, not even noticing the admonishing tone she was speaking to this monstrous vessel in.
Gaara's mouth quirked upwards slightly in a grimace, "Perhaps Uzumaki Naruto. He is... strong."
Sakura beamed at him, feeling that they'd progressed already, "Naruto is someone I admire too! He never gives up, and he tries harder than anyone. If I could be more like anyone, I would be like Naruto."
Gaara gave her a dismissive glance, "You are someone who I would have killed instantly upon meeting before I fought Uzumaki Naruto. I have been informed that people can prove interesting, or even useful, if you leave them alive. You must be the exception to this rule."
Sakura's hands gripped her shirt, twisting the fabric. She felt afraid, of course she did, but anger was the most prevalent emotion she felt at Gaara's cruel dismissal.
"You think you can go around killing people whenever you feel like it, and the only thing that stops you from doing so is that they may prove interesting or useful later on?" Sakura stood up, feeling her face tighten into a glare that she would have quelled if not for the fury sweeping through her, "Well, I'm sorry for disappointing you by being boring and useless, but I don't exist solely to please you!" She found herself shouting at him, furious and horrified that this monster was in her village, all the while thinking the people she loved and cared about were in danger of boring him and ending up dead by his careless hand.
"Yes, you do." Gaara reply was quiet and without any bite to it - simply matter of fact.
Sakura gaped at him, "I'm sorry, what? You think my only reason for living is to interest you and to be useful?"
"I think I am the only reason you are still living." Gaara replied, the coldness now back in his voice, "I came very close to killing you. I did not. Therefore, you owe your existence to me."
Sakura shook her head, disbelieving to the point of being speechless.
"And now, I am regretting my decision to leave you alive," Gaara said, those horrible eyes fixed on her face, "You have turned out to be an irritating, useless waste of a hitae-ate."
Irritating, useless, waste.
Sakura's fist struck out and destroyed the bedside table.
The wood shattered instantly, giving way to her monstrous strength, large splinters breaking away and digging into her fist painfully. The vase of flowers that was automatically placed on every patient's bedside table broke into tiny fragments, the water pouring forth and soaking the floor. The flowers, simple baby's breath, lay crushed on the floor in the rapidly growing pool of water.
"I am not useless." Sakura breathed out, the sting of the splinters in her skin allowing her to focus on something other than the huge rage within her.
Gaara's eyes were wide, the first time he'd ever shown an emotion other than rage or a sick thirst for blood: shock. Sakura automatically catalogued the emotion in her mind.
Gaara could not have known that every day she feared she was useless, that she served no purpose, that even her teammates had abandoned her to make something of themselves and she was alone in her incompetence. But his words had struck an old, still raw nerve.
"Haruno-san!" A nurse threw open the door and looked inside, "Are you alright?"
The nurse was looking at Gaara and the shattered remains of the table and vase in fear.
"I'm fine," Sakura said, trying to control herself. She managed to muster up a tiny, extremely insincere smile, "I had a little accident."
Gaara stared at the side of Sakura's face as she turned to smile at the nurse, something akin to wonder in his eyes.
The nurse was slow to persuade that everything was fine, and it was a while before Sakura could convince her to leave.
Sakura's gaze dropped to her injured hand and she winced at the sight of it. She would need tweezers to pull the splinters out. It hurt like hell.
"...You are strong." Gaara said suddenly, his gaze oddly focused as he looked at her.
Sakura was shocked into silence at the concession Gaara was making. Was he really complimenting her?
The skylark trilled its happy song, still soaring upwards as Sakura and Gaara stared at each other. Sakura got the feeling Gaara was mentally reassessing his opinion of her.
"I know," Sakura said firmly, ignoring the ever-present niggles of insecurity, "Do you still regret not killing me?"
The look he gave her was downright chilling, "I always regret not managing to kill strong people. That is why I attempted to kill Rock Lee in the hospital. I dislike leaving any threats alive."
OK, that was definitely a shiver down her spine and judging by the knowing look on Gaara's face, he'd noticed it. She did not want him knowing how frightening she found him. Any vulnerability she displayed around him would undoubtedly be used against her at some point.
"But, you aren't going to kill anyone else, are you." Sakura stated, refusing to pose it as a question. He needed to see he wouldn't get the chance to kill anyone.
"I'm a shinobi," He said in that rasping voice of his, "As are you. It is childish to hope never to kill anyone. I've killed many people and I expect that will not change."
"You aren't going to kill innocent people who can't defend themselves from you." Sakura rephrased.
"Define 'innocent.'" Gaara's eyes closed a fraction, dark lids contrasting sharply with the lightness of his eyes and paleness of his skin.
"Civilians. Those who do not, and cannot kill. Ordinary people." Sakura clarified.
Gaara closed his eyes completely, "What good are 'innocent, ordinary' people? What is their purpose? Living without reason is the same as being dead. What does it matter if I get rid of a few meaningless people?"
"No person is 'meaningless,'" Sakura said, working hard not to show her horror at the casual way he spoke of 'getting rid' of people, "Everyone has thoughts, feelings, hopes and dreams... and they all have just as much right to live as the next person. You are no better or worse than anyone else, and killing doesn't make you superior."
The chakra strings tightened around Gaara's wrists as he struggled to free them.
Sakura took a step back.
"I'll say it again," Gaara said, his voice completely calm despite his wrists working furiously to break the chakra strings that bound them, "Living without reason is the same as being dead. My reason to live was to kill. I knew that every time I killed someone, they no longer existed because of me. I mattered. I altered the course of fate. That was my reason to exist. If I stop killing weaker people, why do I exist?"
Sakura found she had no answer. It was the question that had begun to haunt her lately, why did she exist? So far it seemed she had served only to get in the way, just a girl to kick around and leave on stone benches to the mercy of the night.
Family. Friends. Love.
She lived for other people.
Gaara had no one.
"Your siblings," Sakura started, "Are you close to either of them?"
"Family does not mean the same thing to me as it does to you." Gaara said, with a dismissive shake of the head, "My brother and sister are terrified of me, and would gladly see me dead."
Sakura thought of the worry in Temari's eyes, the way Kankuro had shouted at Tsunade. Yes, unlike Gaara, they genuinely cared about each other. They were a family, albeit a twisted and broken one. They might be frightened of their little brother, but they still cared.
"Why do you think they want you dead?" Sakura asked, "I think you're right, they are scared of you, but that's because you threaten to kill them. If you stopped that, you could become a real family. Stop looking at them as though they're weak and afraid. Family is important, Gaara-san. You need to realise that human life is important too."
"Family," Gaara repeated, the word flat and tasteless in his mouth, "means nothing to me. It is just a word. My father has tried countless times to kill me. I am a mistake my village would like to forget. I owe my life to no one, I love and live only for myself. How could I see my 'family' as important? If any of them died the only regret I would feel is that I was not the one who ended their miserable lives."
"I would die for my family," Sakura spoke up suddenly, her horror and sympathy for the monster lying tied to the bed prompting her to tell her own story, "Because I care about them. Their lives are as precious as my own, to me, or more. But I understand why you would want your own family dead. You and I have obviously had very different upbringings. My childhood was -"
"I don't care," Gaara cut in, "I am never going to see that man as my father. I am never going to care if they all live or die. I want only to have a reason for my existence."
Sakura bit her lip, struggling. What could she say? How could she convince him to -
And then it struck her.
"Why are you here?" She asked, leaning forward slightly in her chair, her eyes intent.
He looked slightly taken aback by the sudden subject change.
"Because my village has left me to the mercy of our former enemy. Perhaps they've grown tired of me." Gaara said, with a heavy kind of irony.
"No," Sakura corrected, "You are here because your brother and sister feared for your sanity. You were kept having seizures, the sand was flying everywhere, and in the brief times that you were lucid, you kept saying that you wanted to change, that you were sorry for what you had done. Temari and Kankuro brought you here in the hope that Tsunade-sama could heal your mind. There is no magic cure for psychological damage, so the Hokage gave me this mission to talk to you and find out what can be done for you. So don't talk about your family as if they don't care, Gaara-san, because they do."
Gaara was silent. She couldn't read the emotion in his eyes and his face was completely blank.
"...Why am I restrained, if I am merely a patient?" Gaara said after a brief pause.
Because you were very recently a raving psychopath, Sakura wanted to say, but knew it wouldn't go down very well.
"Because, in all honesty, you have shown a lack of concern for human life, to the extent where your only purpose is to kill others. Also, you kept thrashing around and we were worried you'd hurt yourself."
"Well, take it off then." Gaara twitched his fingers at the chakra strings around his wrists, "I won't kill anyone. There's no point anymore."
"With respect, Gaara-san, the restraints are also there to stop you escaping. We didn't think Kankuro-san and Temari-san would be too happy to discover we had lost their little brother."
"With respect," Gaara mocked, "I don't want your respect."
"Then you won't have it anymore," Sakura said, with a sudden flare of irritation, "I'm not here to pander to your every whim, Gaara-san. I'm here to listen to you, and that's what I'll do. But you needn't expect me to do anything more than that."
"It's odd," Gaara said, after studying her curiously, "You are frightened of me, but you continue to provoke me. I would call that stupidity, or perhaps a mere lack of self-preservation."
Sakura stood up again, throwing her hands up angrily, "Well, excuse me for provoking you! I think we're done here for today, Gaara-san, see you next week."
"Finally," Gaara turned on his back to face ceiling, "I thought you would never stop talking."
Sakura, too angry to remember to be frightened, gave a great sigh of irritation and stormed out, slamming the door behind her.
Gaara glanced at the shut door, his expression was curiosity mingled with anger.
xxxxxxxx
Sakura's father was sitting on the doorstep when she returned home, whittling something in his hands, the knife slicing through the wood expertly. He looked up as she approached, standing up and brushing the wood fragments off of his trousers.
"I heard you had a new mission," Her father said curiously. Both he and her mother were civilians, and had been surprised when Sakura had managed to become a genin. They took her job less seriously then she would have liked, but it was better than having a mother like Shikamaru's, who worried constantly and treated every injury like he was at death's door. Sakura had never been hurt badly, the few injuries she'd had had knocked the shine off of her parent's rather rosy view of ninja life.
Sakura brushed past him angrily, wiping her tears with her uninjured hand, feeling the other throb with pain as she used it to open the front door.
Her father looked at the little sakura tree he had carved and sighed ruefully.
Sakura sat on the edge of the tiled bath, tweezers in hand.
She started the painful work, gritting her teeth against the stinging and used the time to reflect on the mystery that was Gaara.
Though her impression of him before had been a snarling beast who had nearly destroyed Lee right before her eyes, she had to admit that impression had changed. Gaara appeared to be a conflicted young shinobi, with no real ties to the world. He had no concept of 'family' or of caring for people past what they could do for him. He knew nothing of love, thought it was something he achieved for himself and did not desire from anyone else.
But he had been eloquent and had had traces of a wry kind of humour, buried deep beneath the layers of monstrosity. Sakura would just have to take it upon herself to uncover the real Gaara lost underneath his murderous personality.
She held her hand under the tap and watched the blood flow down the plughole. The coldness of the water eased the pain somewhat, the reddened skin numbing.
Why did Tsunade want her to do this? What did Sakura have that the other medical trainees didn't? Well, Sakura was known for never quitting once she put her mind to something. If she wanted to memorise the shinobi rules in a day then she bloody well would. If she wanted to help Gaara then nothing would stop her until she judged him to be recovered and fighting fit.
The knowledge that she was supposed to work with him week after week was daunting. Just being in the same room as him, let alone talking to him, was frightening. She'd heard Kiba muttering about how he 'wasn't right,' had seen Akamaru shake violently as he walked past, had read through Lee's medical files and winced over the extent of the damage, had felt the sand press against her for a few, terrifying moments, waiting for the inevitable crunch that would break her ribs... hoping she wouldn't suffer the same fate as Lee… or worse…
She looked in the mirror.
She was too young for this. She let her wet hand trace her features, her large, innocent-looking eyes that had seen too much even at her age, the round, childish cheeks, the over-sized forehead.
Her mother still insisted on accompanying her when she went shopping, still warned her about strangers (forgetting, or not realising, that her daughter frequently fought and less frequently killed strangers for a living) and bought her sparkly, childish clothes for her birthday.
Her father, in his own quiet way, still obviously thought of her as a child. He continually offered her piggy backs, he referred to her as his 'little girl,' and she sat at his feet in the evenings by the fire to keep warm.
Which was she?
Beloved twelve year old daughter or hardened shinobi?
If she was just a little girl in reality (and she never really got a chance to do much in missions), then what made her qualified for this mission?
With the Kazekage dead, wasn't Gaara a future Kazekage in the making? Surely one of his older siblings would take the title…
But if Gaara truly was destined to be Kazekage, then didn't she owe it to Suna to help their future leader the best she could?
Yes.
She would do this. Gaara would just be another one of her projects. She would find out what was wrong with him, find the solution and send him off on his hopefully less psychotic way.
She would simply have to bear his cruel tongue and terrifying presence until then.
Um… yeah. Late update is late.
Sorry! So many stories, so many essays I should be doing instead…
Just went on a rather wild spending spree, lol. New boots, drawing stuff :) Very happy with my treasure hoard *rubs hands and cackles*
Btw guys, I have no secondary pairing yet – I've sort of set it up for ShikaTema, but I needn't focus on it if you guys have another one in mind.
Nope, no Naruhina. Naruto's busy training!
Quick poll take: Should the secondary pairing subplot be…?
A) NejiTen: Tensions involving Neji's family come to light, Tenten is disapproved of…
B) SasuSaku: Sakura deals with her broken heart and resolves to get over Sasuke…
C) ShikaTema: Shikamaru struggles to fit in at Suna, and also struggles with a rather determined fan-wielding shinobi….
D) Absolutely anything but NaruHina! I can't do it, sorry :( I can have Hinata pop up every so often, but Naruto didn't come back for years… it's just not believable… Pick your favourite pairing and a scenario, let me which one fits best!