The Legend of ZeldaR: The Slumlord's Sword: The Crisis on Finite Universes: Hylian Spring
Quick Warning/BAHAYA: Consists of obfuscating storyline, ridiculous plot, low-level sexual references, Arab Spring references, storyline being set after Spirit Tracks, Four Sword Adventures and Zelda II, which is then being combined to one story, modern-era setting, story written by the seat of their pants, Internet meme references, less than 10% crossover plot but still having crossovers nonetheless and 90% Zelda plot written on the books. Also contains references to foreign languages such as Japanese, Indonesian, English, Klingon and any and all random ideas in between.
Another Warning: THE LEGEND OF ZELDA IS PROUDLY TRADEMARKED BY NINTENDO CO., LTD. (INCORPORATED IN KYOTO, JAPAN) SINCE 1986 (LOOK IT UP ON UNCYCLOPEDIA). HOWEVER, I HAVE EXPRESSED MY WISHES TO WORK FOR NINTENDO, WHICH OF COURSE WILL PROBABLY NOT HAPPEN UNLESS I OWN ABOUT A METRIC SHITE-TON OF STOCKS AT THE NEW YORK STOCK EXCHANGE OF THE BIG APPLE, AND THEN I CAN BE SOME BRO WITH HALF THE EMPLOYEES OF NINTENDO OF AMERICA, WHICH ALSO MEANS MOVING TO THE UNITED STATES. ALL CONTENTS OF THIS IS PURELY FANFICTIONAL AND ANY OF THE FOLLOWING EVENTS, REAL OR FAKE, OR EVEN UNFAKE, IS COINCIDENTAL. ANYONE IN THIS PLACE THAT RESEMBLES WHO IS OF EXISTENCE OR NOW DEAD IS ALSO COINCIDENTAL. ANY ALL CAPS SENTENCE IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL AND IS USED FOR ENTERTAINMENT AND PARODY PURPOSES. AND NO, I DO NOT WANT TO WORK FOR KONAMI; THEIR EXECUTIVES ARE SCREWING THE LIVING HELL OUT OF THEIR BOTTOM LINE RECENTLY. WHY DID I BOTHER WITH THIS? I COULD HAVE APPLIED FOR A JOB AT TIME WARNER SO THAT I CAN OWN DC COMICS, WARNER BROS., TIME, INC. AND EVEN CNN! OR MAYBE NEWS CORPORATION, BUT THAT MEANS DEALING WITH RUPERT MURDOCH. SO, INSTEAD, LET'S GET ON WITH IT! JOSS WHEDON, YOU'RE IN! WHERE THE HELL IS MY CAMERA?
Chapter 2: My boy, this chapter is what all true warriors do not strive for!
The next day, Link woke up in his new house. It was his first day working as a bodyguard of Zelda.
Most of Zelda's bodyguards are former Hylian soldiers who were selected by Zelda to become her bodyguard. The characteristics of being a bodyguard of Zelda include straight devotion to the goddesses of Hyrule, an ability to sacrifice one's life to save Zelda, even if it means it has to be a certain and stupid death, a sense of justice for the poor and finally, having some little fun with her- if you know what I mean, of course.
Link made some breakfast, and afterwards, washed and dressed up in his uniform: green clothes, green cap, white stockings and a sword, as well as a pistol for practical purposes in case the sword fails. As Link opened the window, a gush of polluted air entered the room. It had a foul smell of garbage and vehicle fumes. He inhaled it and then coughed hard.
"Why do I bother with this?" he shouted to himself, and he closed the window immediately after. He switched on the television to a music video channel that is showing Super Mario World's Do the Mario, made a traditional Hylian breakfast, which is more or less like a continental breakfast, only with rice. Didn't I mention that there will be a clash of cultures or something?
The bell rang while he was eating, and Link went up and opened the door. A man wearing the same uniform as Link's stood in front.
"What do you want? I'm a bit tired. Ad I have to bother with the pollution and shit", said Link.
"My boy", he said, "I am sorry to disturb your breakfast, but being a guard of Princess Zelda is what all true warriors strive for".
"What? Are you on drugs? Everyone is acting crazy here!" Link replied.
"Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy", he told Link, "but here's my number, so call me maybe. Just call me anytime, especially when there is a problem. The name's Harkinian". He gave Link his phone number on the business card.
Harkinian is a tall man, twice the height of Link. He had brown hair, has a beard, and acted as a supervisor to Princess Zelda. He went into Link's room, and inspected the place.
After inspection, he sat down on the couch with Link.
"So, you must be a legendary hero with the Triforce?" he asked Link.
"Yes. The Triforce means I am linked with Zelda", replied Link.
"You must be chasing the dream to protect Zelda. You have a good destiny ahead of you. Keep up at it", encouraged Harkinian. "We all support you. But first, I got an assignment for you, Link".
"What's that?" Link replied.
"Princess Zelda is going to the Mushroom Kingdom to arrange a peace talk between a political dispute between an island called Dragon Roost which the Toads called Big Mushroom", he replied.
"Those islands are just rocks to me", said Link, knowing that the disputed islands are made of three rock formations that are held as important historically and culturally to both Hyrule and the Mushroom Kingdom.
Dragon Roost Island is said to be where a Link of a Hylian myth lived after a devastating flood ravaged Hyrule with Tetra. Mushroom Kingdom mythology tells a story of these islands that formed after a comet crashed into an island, creating an earthquake that splits its peak into three separate islands into a shape of a mushroom.
Link changed the topic and then said, "But I did see that you had been playing too much Call of Duty lately".
"Woah! How did you know?" Harkinian replied.
"The princess told me on how much you spent your time playing video games", Link replied. He then asked curiously, "Isn't that game full of idiotic 12-year olds shouting and blowing on the microphone, and low-lives that hacked the entire game and built mods?"
"No, not always", he continued. "But you play Battlefield and other first-person shooters. Wanna compete against me with my Xbox 360?"
"I'll have a think about it. Gaming had changed over twenty-five years now, ever since I was little", Link told Harkinian. "I can't believe people had been complaining about the graphics and multiplayer modes. It seems like Bobby Kotick can make a run for his money at any rate given the high amount of shooting games, if I recall with his Call of Duty errand to have it released every year".
"Anyway, we'll play some games later. You have to come with me still", Harkinian pressured Link.
Link switched off the television, and left the room with Harkinian. Upon arriving at the front entrance of the castle, which is open from 8 am to 6pm from Monday to Friday, and closed on weekends and public holidays because she gets down to business then. Princess Zelda was coming out of the castle wearing her royal dress and crown. Basically it is the same as the one from Twilight Princess, but her hair was kept in a blonde shade.
"Are you going out with me, or not?" asked Zelda.
Link blushed and became relatively shy.
"What's the matter, are you scared of me or something like that?" Zelda continued.
"No", Link said, "I am never scared of you! Why did you asked me? Isn't it too early?"
"Oh, it's too early?" she replied. "OK, I understand that it is too early. Well, Link, we can be friends. Now get inside the car".
The three went inside the car at the back. The car left the castle and began its journey towards the airport. The car itself has the plate number ZELDA64. The entourage also consists of another car with plate number ZELDA63, ZELDA65 the decoy car, twelve police motorbikes, two camels and the 88-strong Royal Guards.
Zelda's motorcade turned right into the twelve lane expressway. The Hylian expressway system was initiated during the reign of Zelda's great-grandfather and direct descendant of Daphnes Nohansen I, Gustav XX the Modern, after the 70th Hylian civil war, who after seeing what other kingdoms surrounding Hyrule had done, sought to bring Hyrule out of the feudal era and into the industrial age, beginning the process of reuniting Hyrule from the balkanised states formed after the war: Goron, Zora, Gerudo, Kokiri, Anouki and Hyrule itself. And from then on, nothing had made sense, as most of this story is construed as a story made from the ground up, and claimed to be what a Zelda sequel may look like in case Nintendo's employees ran out of ideas, which will never happen because they always think of new ways to make fans or break fans, even electric fans or the fans the Japanese carry to beat people with for comedy.
But anyway, back to the story. The motorcade then broke up after a few miles outside the Hylia city limit, when they all assumed that the princess no longer needs protection. The car then cruised in at a fast speed to the airport.
Inside the car, Link, Harkinian and Zelda are chatting about the itinerary for the delegation to Dragon Roost Island. But it ended abruptly in an argument which flavoured potato chip is better once Link opened up a packet of potato chips he found inside a mini bar right at the front seat of a car. Yes, there are potatoes growing in Hyrule. Remember that this story is set over 3000 years since the events in Ocarina of Time, and about, let's say, over 9000 years since Skyward Sword?
"Nine thousand? That cannot be true!" exclaimed Zelda.
"No, I say that salt and vinegar chips are better than Cucco flavoured ones", claimed Link, pulling the entire plot the author had worked on for many weeks into the metaphorical derailment of a train called Story, claiming hundreds of words, with their related words mourning the loss of the casualties claimed by just one simple plot derailment.
"Salt and Vinegar flavoured? What, that's shit! Cucco flavoured is better! The workers are killed for every Cucco killed!" Harkinian argued back. "Every time a Cucco dies, a person dies".
Link responded, "Harkinian, please think of the Cuc-" but was cut off by Zelda.
Zelda shouted, "Diamlah!" Quiet!
"Are we speaking in Hylian, English, Japanese or what?" Link asked.
"This argument is just bullshit! I prefer chilli-flavoured! And Link is a no-good bitch!" Zelda continued shouting.
"How the hell am I a bitch, princess?" Link shouted sarcastically, "You just told us to shut up and shouted out your favourite flavour of chips. What's the point, princess? My Triforce, keep your tampon on! Are you in that mood then? This plot is getting complex by the minute, and even the author had run out of ideas on what he should put in!"
The author just rushed out from his computer to take a break. "Just mind your own business, dumbass", he said.
"This plot is full of splits, deviations, spaghetti junctions, T-intersections and whatnot that make Metroid look like Call of Duty!" Link further complained.
"Nintendo released a damn timeline for the damn series, Link, and you just refused to accept the fact that such a timeline like this existed. It doesn't look like it, but you are", said Harkinian back.
The car arrived at the front of the airport terminal.
Zelda was cross, with her arms crossed and her left foot kicking, and pouting at him as if he had done something terribly wrong. "Link, shut up", said Zelda crossly. "Just move yourself to my left"
"But, but-" Link stumbled nervously.
"Do it!" she demanded.
Zelda bend down and pressed the eject button underneath her seat. Instead of Link being ejected, Zelda was ejected from her seat. She was screaming as she was flying off and then crashed on the ground just as she landed face first, resulting in her lingerie being visible.
Link, on the other hand, simply walked out of the car and became embarrassed. He covered his eyes because of what happened to Zelda.
"Zelda, I hate to say this", told Link firmly. "You suck. Especially when it comes to doing such corny schemes like ejecting people out of their seats from a moving vehicle, or even opening a trapdoor for them to fall through". He turned to Harkinian and said, "Thank Farore I packed up some of those Zelda T-shirts!"
Link walked to the back of the car, with Harkinian trailing behind him. He opened the trunk and lifted the luggage to carry with him to the gate. The luggage consists of the things that Zelda owns as well as Link's and Harkinian's.
"And I heard Ganon has tonnes of them. Mostly of his boar-size ones, though", Harkinian said, picking up the luggage out of the car after him. "Oh, and I forgot to mention to you that Koume and Kotake are now running for an election campaign. I mean, you got the papers and all that bureaucratic shit filled for them?"
"I haven't finished them yet, but it would be done in a day, ready for the elections", answered Link. He dropped the bags down and dug his hands inside his pocket to get the political campaign ad of Koume and Kotake from the pocket, and unfolded it. Link gave it to Harkinian to look at. He picked up the luggage again and continue to carry it to the gate where the private jet is. "Here. This is the ad. All it says is, 'Koume and Kotake for Senate. Vote or we'll freeze burn you!'", said Link. "What the hell is a freeze burn anyway?
"Since I left my family, Hyrule seems to be more like Termina of old folklore, thanks to Zelda's new democratic policies, which allows anyone the right to lead, but is there really going to be an election? Because some of the guys I knew said that as long as Zelda's constant propaganda demonising non-Hylians end, there won't be any democracy".
Link dropped the baggage at the gate and pointed out the sign that says Death to Ganon on a billboard which is on top of the airport terminal building facing the runway. He walked back to the car and continued doing his job. Zelda's luggage was then carried by the porters to the private jet that was parked at the gate.
"Of course, there's going to be an election. This will be the first ever democratic elections in the history of Hyrule, which is coming in about three months' time", said Harkinian. "Ever since the Goron uprising which was started when the rock merchant was harassed by Hylian guards and the Gerudo Revolution that followed after-",
"The Hylian Spring? I heard that Gorons used Facebook to start this uproar, and that caused the Gerudos to start an uprising against Hyrule as well", Link pointed out.
"Exactly. And because of that, Zelda was busy writing a new constitution allowing everyone to represent at the Hylian Congress. Previously, Zelda just pick and choose six people randomly, that bitch. Now even Ganon, the evil King, can run for elections!"
Link and Harkinian walked through the scanners and towards the gate. At the gate, they saluted Zelda as she walked to the jet, holding her dress. They entered the jet afterwards.
The private jet was owned by Zelda, under the title "Air Hyrule Royal Flight", which was written on both sides of the jet. The jet was a 747 beautifully decorated with the Triforce on each window, and the symbol of the Triforce Eagle adorned on the tail. The tail was especially decorated because it was the only part built in Hyrule, symbolising much of the national pride and hours that the workers put into building a single tail. Critics dismiss it as 'an aftermarket modification'.
Inside the jet, the cabin consists of a parking space for the state car. Most of the other rubbish can be seen as well in the parking space, including traces of Ganon's blood, the locks of Midna's hair and 42% of Lindsay Lohan's toxic vomit that had been glowing green for, according to one reporter, "Farore knows how long that shit was there". The jet also has a swimming pool, where Zelda personally once filmed in a music video for the Indi Go-Go's hit song, "Boys Boys Boys", a cockpit, twelve bedrooms, meeting room, four toilets, with one being located in Zelda's bedroom and two located at the back of the plane, a living room, a main galley with dining room, and along with all of the mod cons, a shopping mall and an internet cafe. The jet is also said to travel high up to 200km above the planet Earth, as depicted in a Gerudo magazine.
In the plane, Link, Harkinian and Zelda are sitting on their leather chairs. There are six leather chairs placed neatly in rows and were bolted onto the floor cheaply, and the seat belts looked like if they weren't attached to the chair at all. This, along with a large TV screen out in front, is the living room.
Zelda told Link, "Well, this is the living room, Link. Now we have a flight attendant-" and three more flight attendants came in. "Well, make that three flight attendants on call. If you need any help, just press that orange button. We also have a 105cm TV screen that has every channel on it in the world".
Link gasped in awe. "Every channel I want? I'm at it! I'm going to check out TV Hyrule to see what's on-"
Before he could run to the chair, Zelda grabbed him by his tunic, and said, "Not yet".
Link then gave Zelda the puppy-eyed look. "Oh fine", Zelda said arrogantly, and let him go off to turn the TV on. "Now I'll go and ask the attendants to get the champagne, while you and Harkinian go sit down on the chairs".
Zelda walked off to do that task, and Link and Harkinian stayed in the room. The fasten seat belt sign, written in both Hylian and English, were illuminated above them.
When she returned with the champagne, Link was watching a Hylian cartoon show. "Just remember, Harkinian, not every cartoon you see is made for kids. Pokemon, maybe, but Death Note? Or Higurashi no Naku Koro ni? That is quite possibly one of the most adult cartoons", Link told Harkinian.
"Why so? Why are we watching this in the first place, you shit monkey?" Harkinian asked him.
"Because I am an otaku. And I do what I do best". Link said.
Zelda gave Link the bottle of champagne. "Go ahead, knock yourself out", she told him.
Link got a corkscrew and tried to uncork it. He screwed the corkscrew into the cork, just as any normal person with a bottle of wine would, and pulled it hard. He grabbed a wine glass and poured the champagne to it until the froth from the wine comes on top. Well, I'm not sure how it works so stop complaining!
"Do you want some?" he asked Zelda.
Zelda replied, "No thanks, I'm staying sober this time. Not unlike the last time when I ended up sleeping with some random diplomat guy after a diplomatic party in the Mushroom Kingdom when I passed out after drinking like, seven glasses of red wine. I'm a bit of a party animal and playgirl sometimes, especially when I'm in a drunken state".
Link bluntly stated, "Well f-"
"Link! You got to not say it in full!" he harshly said.
"What? What word?" Link replied softly.
"The F word", Harkinian said. "Besides, Zelda is here. Now just use the first letters of the swear words!"
"Oh. F the duck! She is a party B! So F-ing what?" said Link, spelling out the first letters of the swear words.
"No, I am truly a party girl. I don't look like one now though. One time that diplomat asked me to do that weird oral thing in which something hard and long, like a cooked Cucco sausage, is stuffed in my mouth. It's disgusting, and it's everywhere in the newspapers. I was really P-ed at the time and cried at my bedroom for several days", Zelda said.
Link stared blankly at Zelda in shock. Harkinian was also staring blankly, but then he asked, "How long ago did that happen?"
"Two years ago", she replied quietly.
Harkinian added, "Woah. That simply won't do. But anyway the aircraft will not take off any sooner than two hours due to the masses of S that they idiots are moving, such as the food, the items for the six stores and that. This is a huge A plane; the princess must always have some time doing shopping during flight".
Link laughed. "You mean, inflight shopping?"
"Yes. And while the rest of Hylians get inflight movies, this plane has an actual movie theatre, playing the latest and past movies thanks to the ingenious 4TB hard drive containing every movie made since the early 1900's. All you need to do is just ask what you want to watch through a microphone and it plays the video for you. Or you can just take a look at the list and choose what you want to watch", Harkinian added.
"Pimpin', huh? That is one hell of a cool plane", inputted Link.
The jet taxis into the runway from the parking area reserved for the jet. The jet engines, upon arriving at the runway had the throttle at maximum capacity. It was cleared for take-off immediately. The engines roared louder and louder, and the landing gears jolted across the runway, shaking the cabin inside. Once it took off, the jolting stopped, and the plane flew upwards, while having some of the pilot's eyes burnt off. Oh wait, they wore sunglasses when they took off, so that's OK. Why did I wrote that then?
During the flight, Harkinian said, "Link, I want you to come over at the end of the plane. Near the toilets. I need to tell you something".
Link asked, "Why? What's going on here?"
"Unfasten your belt and come with me", he replied.
Harkinian and Link both fastened their seatbelts, got up from their leather seats and walked to the end of the plane. They stopped at the end of the plane, where there are two toilets in between the aisle where they meet. "This is it, Link. I have to be honest with you, this is one impressive plane", he said.
Link asked a question, "Indeed. But why come over to the end of the plane?"
"Because there is a terrible secret Zelda has, and I can't shout it out", Harkinian said back. "Zelda does not want Hyrule to become a democracy".
Link was in a shock at the revelation. "What? But you're the one shouting it out loud, on the plane, almost so that Zelda can hear you".
"Zelda is very paranoid about having a democracy", Harkinian said quietly. "The Royal Family has been in power for 1000 years, and during that time, all of the evil forces had disappeared and became less hostile to our forces. Ganon is no longer a threat to Hyrule. But this Zelda, she remained worried. She is scared that someone worse than Ganon might rule the nation, or even worse".
Link was confused. He is confused to see why Zelda would faint at the mere sight of free speech, lese majeste (insulting the monarch), democratic elections and release of political prisoners. "Democracy is good", he stated. "If someone wants to complain about Zelda being filthy rich, that's her opinion. We are in a modern age. Monarchies are shit anyway, and Zelda should get used to the notation of constitutional monarchy. Get her to write a new constitution, for the good of her-"
"But, Link", Harkinian said in a nervous voice, "Zelda promised a constitution for years now. If you could just believe me instead of these propaganda posters that the Hylian Government is churning out about how 'democracy is evil' and 'the Triforce of Wisdom is supreme' and stuck on every wall, slum and building of Hyrule. And every Tom, Dick and Harry believed them until the recent events".
Link asked to him again, "What can I do, Harkinian? I have the Triforce of Courage on my hand, but right now, it's being the Triforce of Cowardice when it comes to decisions that affect the whole nation. I guess I got to save Hyrule from continuing as a one-girl kingdom".
Harkinian was less than impressed at what he said. "Absolutely. And I blame it on that damn prince a long time ago when he decreed that every princess born must be called Zelda. She is Princess Zelda the 27,595th if I can recall. The last time we have a king was over 150 years ago". He dug inside the pocket and grabbed a 100 rupee coin to show it to Link.
"See, Link?" he told him as he showed the gold coin with Zelda's face on the head of the coin. "This says, 'Zelda MMMMM-MMMMM-MMMMM-MMMMM-MMMMM-MMDXCV, DFBTGGWPC'". Unfortunately unlike Microsoft Word, the document editor used has a problem with not only representations of Roman numerals over 4000, but couldn't handle long strings of Roman numerals to represent the number 27595, which is a shame because it will look good and can test your knowledge on your Roman numerals. YOU MUST KNOW THEM! YOU MUST KNOW THEM! OR ELSE!
Link was stumped, because Harkinian was only humming and not spelling out the numbers. "Uh, Harkinian, you're just humming, not spelling out the letters", reminded Link. "It's a Roman numeral, and I knew that at school. And what the hell is DFBTGGWPC?"
Harkinian replied, "Defender of the Faith, by the Glory of the Gods of Wisdom, Courage and Power. It's an acronym"
"We need to break that curse, make Hyrule democratic and free her from the paranoia!" said Link enthusiastically. "For now, let's get back to our cabins. We got to look after the princess, as she is our cargo".
"Precious cargo, Link; she is our national treasure", added Harkinian, and they walked back to the cabin.