"Are you mad at me?"
Tessa grabbed my arms and gave me a pout as she greeted me on Saturday. She pulled me off to the side as Kendall went ahead and walked the other way with Jared to join everyone else in the back.
I had NO idea what she was talking about. Tessa was the sweetest! Why would I be mad at her? "What are you talking about?"
She looked around before lowering her voice just in case someone was to walk by, "We invited Troy," oh yeah. "And I know you probably haven't seen him
in a while and your breakup wasn't the most amicable, but you know how it's been. We're all still friends with him and he was moving back and Jared just thought it'd be the perfect thing. A housewarming and a welcome back party for Troy."
Welcome back? Well of course everyone wants him back. He had countless friends, most of who were mine too which sucked, and he was adored. Of course someone would have a welcome back party. It's not like he abandoned them in the most cruel way. He just left for school.
"It's totally fine," I lied. It was only partially fine. This was his hometown. He could be back if he wanted to. And Jared and him are really good friends so who am I to say no? No one. "Look it's been two years. I'm fine. I'm with Lucas now. I'm sure he's happy, too. We're all adults here."
"Are you sure?" she asked worried, "we invited you first, so..."
I smiled at her. She was the sweetest. "Yes, Tess, I'm sure. I told you I can only stay for a bit anyway, so it'll be fine."
"Okay good," she smiled at me and then connected our arms together as we walked back to where everyone was hanging out. "Where's Lucas by the way? Are you guys fine or...?"
I had lunch with Tessa last week, it was a regular thing we did, after all she was one of my good friends so I clued her in on the whole Lucas thing. "It won't get any better until he comes home so... He's still in California."
"I'm sure y'all will work it out, he adores you, Gabs," she tells me as we reach the kitchen. I didn't need a tour of her house, I had already seen it before and after they fixed it up. "Y'all just hit a small rough patch. All couples go through that."
Everyone keeps saying that, but why do I feel so differently? I am positive we can work it out, but for how long until I want to talk about taking the NEXT step, you know? It's been 2 years. Surely, he has to know by now if he sees a future with me, right? Especially since we're adults, not kids.
"Yeah," I agreed with her just to keep from talking about this any longer.
"Let's go join 'em, shall we?"
I LOVE the way Tessa talks. She grew up in Texas and moved here to Arizona when she was in 7th grade, but she still talks as if she lives there and I love it. She actually got me saying "y'all" because she says it SO much and also because it's so much easier. I loved it.
"We shall."
It's been about two hours and Troy still wasn't here.
I don't know if he's still coming because I'm not asking, but I'm not complaining about it, either. It'd be easier this way. Maybe he'll come after I leave? After all, not everyone was here. And this was going on all night so it was very possible that he'll be coming later and just staying until the end. We did get here a bit early anyway, but that's because we have to leave at 6:30 and it is now 6:10.
"20 minutes?" Kendall asked me as she came and sat next to me on a bench in the patio.
I looked from my friend Melissa over to her and nodded, "Yeah, unless you're ready now?" I asked her. She was coming to my mom's dinner with me because duh, she's my best friend and my mom's third daughter.
She shook her head, though, "Nah, Katie just got here and I have to talk to her about a few things. But 6:30, I'll be ready."
And with that, she was up and out of sight.
"Sorry," I turned back to Melissa. We were in a deep conversation about her and her boyfriend problems which I totally related to, but she was the one spilling so I didn't want to intrude with my problems. Her first.
She smiled at me and shook her head as if it was nothing and we continued chatting. And just as I was about to tell her I should get going, I saw her eyes widen a bit before looking right at me.
"What?"
She did a sort of half smile and a nervous laugh, "Um, don't turn around. Troy, um, he just walked in..." she tells me and immediately I feel a lump in my throat, "...with Will and you'll be okay. Or do you want to go inside?"
It was so sweet how everyone was looking out for me. I mean, we were ALL friends. "I'm okay," I told her, "I actually was planning on leaving at 6:30 for
my mom's birthday dinner and so I don't want to make it seem that I'm leaving because it's so uncomfortable you know?"
"You think he'll think that?"
I shrugged, "Probably. He walks in then I leave? Why wouldn't he? He knows I'm not his biggest fan."
When Melissa told me it was okay to turn around, I slowly turned my body so I could face forward and Melissa did the same thing so it looked like we were just sitting there observing the party. My eyes finally landed on him and he was in the middle of hugging someone and smiling while doing so.
Ugh. He looked better than ever.
He had on jeans a white tee and and a long sleeve blouse type shirt. It might sound horrible, but he looked hot. No way. He also had on the shoes I bought him 4 months before we broke it off. Ahhhh. Why did he do that?
After discreetly watching him for about 5 minutes as he made the rounds to everyone and said hi, he turned around and started walking in my direction. Shit.
"Pretend we're talking," I tell Melissa turning towards her.
She immediately turned towards me and laughed. "Is he coming this way?" she whispered/mouthed to me and I just nodded. I could see him from the corner of my eye and I just prayed he would pass me.
But I knew he wouldn't.
"Hey."
I wanted to just close my eyes and melt into a puddle right then and there, but I couldn't. I didn't want to let him see me show any type of resentment or anything. I moved on and I have to let him know that.
I turned my head and gave him the weakest of smiles, "Oh, hi."
He gave me a real smile though and said hi to Melissa as well before looking back over at me, "How have you been?"
This was so freaking awkward. I was surprising myself and I wasn't as nervous as I thought I would be. I could easily formulate a sentence to him, but I just hated how he was acting so nonchalant about this whole thing. Sure, I had seen him before at the grocery store, but it was like we were forced to talk because of my mom. Who knows if he actually wanted to. And I had seen him at a party when he was in town for winter break one year but we didn't talk at all. It was barely a year after we broke up. But now? Who's forcing him? No one. Like why would he think I want to talk to him? I knew Melissa felt awkward, but I also knew she wasn't going to get up and leave me alone. Besides I have to take off in 5 minutes. Wow, perfect timing Troy. As always.
"I've been good," I told him as friendliest as I possibly could, and I have no idea why. "You?"
He shoved his hands in his pockets and looked away for a second but then back, "I've been okay." Hm. Okay?
I couldn't do this. I didn't care anymore. I didn't care if he thought I was leaving because of him. I just had to get out of here. It was way harder seeing him than I thought. At the grocery store, I wasn't prepared. But here, I knew he would be here and I thought I was okay with it, but I don't think I am.
So I got up. "I have to get going."
Melissa got up, too, and smiled at me. "Let me walk you out?"
I nodded at her request and turned to Troy and gave him a small smile. It was the least I could do. "Um, welcome home," I didn't know what else to really tell him, "I'll see you around." Even though I hope I never did. I knew that was going to be out of my control, though.
"Gabriella?"
I was already walking away. Ah. Don't turn back, Gabs. But nope. I had to. "Yeah?"
He stood there, a few feet away from me looking nervous as hell. I should be the one who's nervous, who's uncomfortable, not him. HE broke MY heart for crying out loud. "Please tell your mom I said happy birthday."
He then turned around and walked away.
And so did I.
I cannot believe he remembered my mom's birthday. It was such a random date that it wasn't like anyone who wasn't close to her would remember. But they were close at one point. And I hated it. I hated how he remembered. I'm supposed to hate him.
But because of that comment, and a million other reasons I'm not even going to think about right now, I don't.
I don't hate him. Not even a little bit.