Snape…Enough Said

"Today you will be breaking down potions to reveal their ingredients. This is quite easy for anyone with adequate intelligence; so unfortunately the majority of you will find this assignment to be extremely difficult." Snape lazily declared as he glided into the classroom. In the stifling silence of the classroom, a ripple of annoyance went through the students as their most disliked professor insulted their intelligence.

Today's potions class was starting out just as all the others when a sudden booming laughter echoed off the walls. Even Snape jumped at the abrupt noise, though of course his visage remained stoic and unchanged. Weirdo.

The students and teacher were searching for the source of the laughter; not too surprisingly, they found Harry Potter laughing hysterically to the point where he was falling about his desk partners. He held his chair to keep from falling unto the floor as he clutched his stomach and gasped as his boisterous laughter died.

After panting dramatically, he addressed his irritated teacher. "Oh, professor. That was hilarious." He chuckled some more. "You're so droll!"

Snape looked blankly down at Harry; clearly, he was most unimpressed and not at all flattered by Harry's sort-of compliment. "Mr. Potter, I have been informed of your outburst yesterday; and I will have you know that I will not tolerate misbehavior from you. If you simply cannot keep what little sense you have together, than I suggest you go back to Hospital Wing, where you can be properly restrained."

"Wow, you sure so like to talk, don't you?" Harry observed.

"Silence!" Snape barked.

"Sorry, sir. My bad, sir."

Harry received an elbow in the ribs form one of his friends. Whether it was the know-it-all whose purpose was to discover facts that allowed Harry to accomplish all of his achievements or the one who was there for comic relief, yet strangely wasn't all that funny, he didn't care to find out.

Catching on he gestured closing a zipper over his lips to show the Professor he was ready to behave. Ha.

"Now then, here are your vials. Use any or all of the materials listed on the board to discover their properties. Of course nothing can be as useful as your own senses, namely sight and smell. WHAT NOW?" The hand gesturing to a cluster of empty vials clenched angrily when Snape saw Harry's hand creep into the air.

"May I be excused?" Harry asked softly.

"You know there are no bathroom breaks during this class." Snape dismissed him.

"I know. Don't have. To use. The bathroom. I just really don't want to do this assignment." Harry stared at Snap with his head slightly cocked, a sweet and friendly smile on his face.

"Every student must participate in this project; no one may just be excused from it. Unless of course you wish me to fail you for the entire year right now?" Snape asked with a sneer.

To his horror, (well the annoyed kind of horror, not the scared kind horror), Harry's face instantly morphed to resemble a kicked puppy and tears began to well in his eyes.

"Gosh. I, I , I…I just asked a questioooooon." He whined before wailing like a five year old. Snape's sympathy was…nonexistent, and his annoyance was way off the chart- completely beyond normal human level. Yes indeed; his annoyance was in the bitter, lonely, aging, pretentious, hates-adolescents-yet-is-forced-to-work-with-them and (most frightening) British man level. The. Highest. Level.

Harry's ginger friend had become absolutely magenta-colored from mortification. It felt as though every eyeball mockingly watching the bawling boy beside him was actually trained on him. He was clearly trying very hard not to look anywhere else but his desk; the combined awkwardness of his friend's open display of emotion and the embarrassment of so many eyes rendering him utterly even more useless than usual. His eyes grew shockingly wide and his whole body seemed to stiffen when his friend grabbed on to him and proceeded to cry loudly into his shoulder.

To the contrary, Snape became impossibly more sufficient when faced with remarkable and ridiculous situations. He stretched his hand out and a piece of parchment flew over which he snatched quite a bit too roughly out of the air. A quill was pulled out of his robes, which made many students' foreheads crinkle in question—though they dared not ask where he had stashed it.

He jotted down a quick note then walked over to hand it to Potter, he was careful to not touch the boy's hand and retracted his arm in case the Potter spawn decided he was in a hand-holding mood. Children's hands were always mysteriously sticky.

"You will go to the Headmaster and give him this message. Do not read it."

Harry smiled innocently through his tear-streaked face as he cradled the note like an injured bird. He looked up at Snape with his big green eyes. "Will you hold me?"

"Get out."

Unhampered, Harry shrugged and pranced out.

Once outside, Harry read the note.

'Unsurprisingly, this young man was disrupting my class with his mental malfunctions and deficiencies. I realize the student in question is infallible but regardless, I thought you would want to know your little protégé is quickly becoming undone.

-Professor Snape'

"What a boob." Harry stated in a suspiciously un-whiny and rational tone.

He crinkled up the note and shoved it down the front of his pants. He thought it would be fun to play find the wad of paper with his Headmaster. Then he pictured the Headmaster's old man hands-all wrinkled and claw-like and liver-spotted. No, that would not be fun. It would be worse than the time he asked that Italian boy from the Snakey-snakey-slither house to play hide the Italian sausage with him and he unexpectedly agreed. Slytherins were not to be trusted with feelings and such; not at all-poopmeisers.

Oh, look. His mental ramblings have led us to the Headmaster's office without a pathetic fail at producing imagery of people, statues, or other images he would have passed on the way and from having to guess at where the hell the office is.

Oh, look, those boring excuses have led him past the Gargoyle into the stairwell, effectively saving the reader from having to read about Harry naming a thousand different candies to get to the password. There is a god after all.

Upon seeing Harry enter his office, Dumbledore's face took on an expression that could only be described as 'having just been cock-blocked'. "Well, hello there Harry; what brings you here to my private office during classes when I cannot avoid or ignore you without being completely obvious?"

"That's Ms. Potter to you my good man." Harry corrected.

Dumbledore peered at Harry with his stupidly unfathomable eyes. "Oh…kay then. My apologies, Ms. Potter."

Harry inclined his head politely. "You're forgiven. Now, I have a parchment piece for you. A note if you will. To you from a certain Severus Snape. You know him right?"

"Don't be silly Harr-"

"Ah, ah, ah!" Harry sang airily.

The Headmaster forced a patient smile. "Sorry, Ms. Potter. Don't be silly. Give the note over."

Harry held out the note. "Here. Take it. Take it!"

The headmaster, who was already unfolding the wad of paper, eyeballed Harry as if he were very confused-which was fitting, as Harry could be very confusing.

He unwrinkled the note. His eyes widened behind his uselessly halved eyeglasses.

"This note…says…'guess who had their sausage in my patte last night'."

"Oh. How mortifying." said Harry, whose impassive face and voice showed no signs of embarrassment whatsoever. "That note was meant for Nancy Drew, I mean Hermione. Sorry sir."

Harry snatched back the note as if angry that the Headmaster had stolen it. He stuffed it down the front of his pants. When he retracted his hand another piece of parchment was in it.

"Here, this must be the one from Snapey-Snape."

The headmaster looked flabbergasted. The portraits of past Headmasters looked flabbergasted; except for one who was laughing quite hard. He must have been a Gryffindor-as theirs was the only one of the four one-dimensional personality types that would allow such thoughtless, brash, and not-too-polite behavior.

"Right then. If you could just lay it flat on the table for me. Wait! I'll put down this napkin first."

"Understandable, sir." Harry said as the Headmaster unfolded a handkerchief.

"It's a sad, sad day when Dumbledore is the only one who's making any sense," said one portrait.

"Now then, ah, yes. 'Mental malfunctions'. I don't doubt it." He folded his hands together over his desk and placed his chin on top. "I assume you had an outburst in class, is that correct."

"That is somewhat correct." Harry said shiftily.

"What do you mean by somewhat?"

"I actually had several 'outbursts'" Harry put finger quotes around outbursts. "Although, I think you need to hear my side of the story."

"Proceed."

"What?" Harry asked, confused.

"Proceed with telling your side of the story."

Harry gave Dumbledore a weird look, as if he was the one acting crazy in this situation. "…Well, first Snapey-poo said something that was really funny, you know how proficient he is with the dry humor, so I laughed. Then he was all, blah blah, bitterness, blah something about senses. The second time he was using all these words, so I commented that he likes to talk—which clearly must be true-and he just got all mad and stuff. Then I asked if I could be excused and he was like no I'm going to fail you!So that made me cry, because really, it was only a question and there was no need for the harshness. Then he abused a piece of parchment before writing on it and sent me down here with it. Plus he pulled a quill from somewhere out of his robes. It was unexpected."

Dumbledore stared dumbfounded at Harry. "I'm sorry my boy, I stopped processing anything you said after 'Snapey-poo'.

This seemed to upset Harry; he narrowed his eyes at his mentor. "Um, first of all, I'm not a boy; second, I'm not yours." Harry said in a very condescending manner.

Dumbledore once more scrutinized Harry with his freak-show eyes; he looked torn between amusement and sadness. "Is there anything-?"

"If you finish that with 'you wish to tell me'…I'ma mess you up." Harry threatened, taking on some unidentifiable and ridiculous accent.

"Okay fair enough. I know my evasiveness can be quite frustrating."

"Frustrating? How about purposeless? Perhaps 'the reason I've-seemingly gone insane', or how about ridiculously transparent and failing to avoid revealing that you spy on everything that goes on in the castle, including happy time in the shower?"

At this the Headmaster was untreatably and predictably speechless.

When he realized he would get no further response Harry took on a vaguely satisfied look. "On that note. I think it's time for me to head out. To the Hospital Wing, right?"

"That…would probably be best. Good day Harry-er-Ms. Potter."

"BYE!" He shouted, waving like the Queen had taught him from the telly.

A/n

Hyperactive/annoying/insane/cooky Harry+ Snape = Me never being unhappy again