Disclaimer in Chapter 1
Author's Note: Another week, another chapter. Fear not, the action is beginning, so you, the readers, may begin enjoying this story as much as we enjoy writing it. I don't think that's possible. Well hopefully you'll have yourself a thorough chortle in any case. Chortle… really? Never you mind.
Chapter 2: A Challenge is Issued
"Certainly you can't believe that Gryffindor will sweep both the House and Quidditch Cups," Snape said silkily, again sipping from his brandy glass. Each time he sipped, Aberforth appeared over his shoulder and attempted to refill his glass. Despite the warnings Snape gave him, in the form of deadly glares, the professor's cup continued to be refilled time and again.
"The only way Slytherin will win," McGonagall proclaimed, "is if somebody awards and demerits points unfairly."
"Yes, really, Severus. I mean, I love Gryffindor, but I never played favorites when I was a professor," Lupin said, joining the conversation.
"Lupin, really, if you would like me to remain civil, I suggest you avoid the topic of your professorship." Snape was obviously still furious at the way that year had ended. He lifted his glass for another drink.
"At least I was better than Gilderoy Lockhart."
Snape nearly spit his entire mouthful of brandy all over McGonagall. He sputtered and wiped his mouth on the sleeve of his robes. When he had composed himself, he glared at Lupin who was laughing in spite of himself.
"Never say Lockhart while I'm drinking," Snape said dangerously.
All would be have been well and subject forgotten, if Sirius had not been passing behind Snape at that every instant. He waited like an animal stalking its prey. Severus again lifted his glass to try for another swallow.
"…Lockhart!" Sirius cried suddenly. Snape was caught so off guard that this time he did spit out his drink, but only a split second after having turned to see his antagonizer. Thus it was that Sirius found himself covered in Saurian Brandy and staring into the face of a very unhappy Severus Snape.
Snape stood immediately and quickly, knocking over his chair in the process. The two wizards stared each other down. Had anybody gotten caught in the crossfire of their death glares, they would have melted right into the floor.
"Boys, I will not have any of this." The voice was McGonagall's. She stood unsteadily and grabbed each of the men by the ear. Had she been sober, she would never have attempted such a foolish action, but as it was, she seemed to revert easily back to the days when Severus and Sirius were in school and no doubt had many such encounters. The two men broke their glares and looked at McGonagall. Before they could say a word, Remus broke the tension.
"Come gentlemen, surely there's a better way to settle your differences," he said.
"You're absolutely right, Moony old friend. Snivillus, I challenge you to a drinking contest," Sirius snarled. He sounded as though he had already won.
"I rarely engage in such childish pursuits, Black, as you do," Snape sneered.
"Well, if you're frightened then…" Sirius shrugged, obviously in an attempt to push his rival into action.
"For this, I will make an exception. Match me drink for drink and we shall see who is truly a man," Snape said softly.
"Done." Both men took seats across from one another at the table. By this time, Mundungus and Aberforth were already coursing into action.
"Alright, I'm taking bets!"
"10 galleons on Sirius to drink Severus under the table!" cried Mrs. Figg. Sirius smirked in delight.
"15 galleons that Severus goads Sirius into a fist fight before either is done drinking!" Tonks yelled, holding the coins in her hand.
"Two of the most stubborn students I've ever taught!" cried Minerva, "I'll bet 7 galleons that they both drink until neither is conscious. She no sooner had dropped her money into Mundungus' outstretched hands, when she stumbled over to the Weasley's and sat down, on Bill's lap.
"Professor McGonagall… are you all right?" Bill asked as Charlie filled his mother's glass again.
"Quite all right, Mr. Weasley," she said, though her look was glazed and she appeared to be trying to stare straight through Bill's head, "it's been quite a while since we all got together like this you know, of course you're be to young to remember what it was like in those days…"
"I haven't seen you drink but one glass of Firewhiskey, professor. How are you so…" The red- head had not pictured the strict woman as such a lightweight.
"Promise you won't tell?" she asked in voice that was uncharacteristically mischievous.
Bill nodded and both the witch and wizard stood and walked to a corner away from the scene developing in the room.
"It's a simple spell really," she whispered.
"What spell?" Bill asked. His curiosity was piqued and he had every intention of discovering exactly how his former professor ended up in her current state.
"Transfiguration, Mr. Weasley. Watch." She pointed her wand at Bill's face, which gave him quite a start; in her condition, he couldn't be certain what she would do.
"Salivinatium Firewhiskey!" she said. Bill felt a peculiar sensation; all of the salvia in his mouth had become Firewhiskey!
He smiled evilly and eyed his mother. "Can you teach me that spell, professor?" he asked sweetly.
"Well, of course!" She said, a bit louder than necessary.
"So is this what you do all day, Black? Sit around and build your alcohol tolerance?" Snape said, tossing back a shot of Firewhiskey.
Aberforth filled two more shot glasses and placed them in front of the dueling wizards.
"What, you mean while you're out partying with all your Death Eater pals?" Sirius pronounced.
"Jealous that I have friends and yours have gotten themselves killed?" Snape taunted.
Sirius slammed down his glass and downed one more shot before winding back and punching Snape right in the nose.
Snape was sent toppling off his chair, but an instant later he was wiping the blood dripping down his face and picking himself and his chair off the ground, while he pointed his wand directly between Sirius' eyes.
"Damn," said Sirius.
"I don't think you want to do that Snape," came a growl from the corner. Mad-Eye Moody walked forward and sliced through the fierce tension in the room. The disfigured old wizard held out both his hands.
"You'll get 'em back at the end of the night, not while you'd both burn for a year if I lit you on fire."
Sirius and Severus, both aware that when it came to Moody he just might try to set them on fire to prove his point, begrudgingly handed over their wands.
When they sat back down, Aberforth already had shots ready for both of them.
Tonks held out her hand to collect from Mundungus, who was having so much fun watching the two embittered wizards immersed in their trial that he handed over 30 galleons with only a small flinch of pain. In celebration, Tonks converted her hair to match the occasion. Half of it was bright red, the other, deep green.
The room was watching with great interest as Sirius and Severus continued to match one another shot for shot. Arabella was quick to notice, though, that her investment might not be unrewarded. Despite Snape's significant advantage in the beginning Sirius was continuing to drink each shot as if they were merely very small glasses of pumpkin juice.
Meanwhile, Bill was quickly remembering why Transfiguration had been his favorite subject. Molly Weasley was now hopelessly drunk.
"Arthur, we really should have gotten together with everyone more often," she slurred with a smile on her face, "don't you just love everyone here?" She then turned her unfocused gaze on her two oldest sons. "Fred, George, oh I mean Ron… Percy… Ginny? Oh why are there so many of you? How is anyone supposed to remember seven children when they all have red-hair!" she shouted in great despair.
"Well, I'd say we accomplished that mission," whispered Charlie, with a devious grin.
"Right, now we can finally talk to Aberforth!"
Author's Note: I guess now you understand the title at least in passing. Go ahead. Try it on a Harry Potter-aware friend. It continues to work on Lion after dozens of tries. Well how would YOU react if someone shouted GILDEROY LOCKHART when your mouth was full of apple juice? :looks innocently around: I don't know. What kind of cruel person would do that? Slytherins.