Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha or his characters, and have no right to it except as a long time fan.

Wither
Chapter Two: Musings of a Miko

Day One continued:
There are so many new things I've discovered. Sango and Miroku have a little girl. My Shippo is away at kitsune school training to learn to use his powers, everyone tells me that he visits when he has free time or is on a break. I can't wait to see him.

Besides that Keade has given me a set of familiar red and white priestess clothing to wear as well as a white sleeping yukata. These clothes feel odd against my skin, scratchy, but I guess I'll have to get used to the feeling even if I don't like it. It's better than having nothing, and I do need to look like I fit in this time.

Sesshomaru sat down and read through the next couple of entries, getting quicker as he got used to her handwriting, and noticed that the more time that passed the more days she began to skip so she wasn't writing everyday which was understandable. Sometimes there was nothing of import to note at the end of a day.

Day Fourteen:
Inuyasha built us a fairly large hut so now I happily have a home of my own. It had been a bit of a surprise since I had been busy getting reacquainted with Keade, Sango, Miroku, and nearly everyone in the village despite the time I spent with him. I think he did it when I wasn't with him, and I was too distracted to notice he was gone from my side for so long.

Beyond that occurrence I've also been busy learning about herbs from Keade. She says it's the first step in my priestess training so I'm excited about it.

On another note, today we received a visit from Sesshomaru, well more like I received a visit from him, and we had a nice conversation. He had caught my scent during his patrol of his land, and wondering if I was really back he came to investigate. We talked about Rin and how she was doing, and how I passed the time before the well allowed me back through. I enjoyed our conversation very much. It's the most I ever remember him speaking, and it made me realize that I had missed him and hearing his voice, as little as I had heard it before the well shut me out.

I should get this final thought out before I head to bed. I've been wondering for a few days now why Inuyasha hasn't kissed me yet with all the time we've spent alone. I'm probably just impatient. It'll happen.

Day Thirty:
Not much to say other then that I'm beginning to learn how to use my power better. I've been learning how to call on it whenever I want. Besides that I've been mediating and practicing my forms with my bow. It definitely helps to know how to stand properly and draw quicker.

Day Thirty-five:
Something strange happened today. Inuyasha asked me why I was practicing with my bow. He doesn't seem to like that for some reason, and he said I don't need to use my bow and arrows since he's there to protect me.

I could easily see how upset he was, so I told him that I wouldn't use it. That seemed to please him, so I didn't say anything more on the subject. I was just happy that he was happy.

Day Thirty-eight:
Since writing the above entry things have gotten strange. I found that my bow and arrows were gone the day after I told Inuyasha I wouldn't use them. After thinking about it I had decided that I would just practice when he wasn't around, but now I can't do that since they're gone.

When I asked him about their disappearance he said he got rid of them since I wouldn't need them because I wasn't going to be practicing anymore. I countered that I would need them when I went for walks, and he said that he would be there to protect me.

I didn't like that. I still don't like it because I know he's not always going to be around, especially if I want some time alone. I hate to bring up bad memories but I haven't forgotten all the times he would leave me vulnerable to go to Kikyou. I know she's not around anymore, but I just never know if Inuyasha will find something of interest that will have him leaving me alone for a while. I would obviously need to protect myself during that time at the very least.

Still, I let it go since I figured I could ask Keade for another set. Turns out Keade wouldn't give me another set, and I learned that Inuyasha somehow convinced her to stop teaching me, to stop teaching me anything, no matter what I said or how I pleaded. I just don't understand why she would stop teaching me, and what he could've said to keep her from doing so.

I eventually gave up asking since I know how stubborn Keade can be; though I did wonder how I was supposed to be a proper priestess without training. There's no one else in the village that can take up the role once Keade passes. Unless Miroku counts. He's the only one in the village besides myself with holy powers.

Anyway, after giving it some more thought I figured I could learn how to use a sword from Sango since I've always been interested, but it turns out she won't teach me either! She said that I didn't need to know since we live peaceful lives now. I countered saying that she still practiced, but Sango said that it was just light exercise and that she didn't train with her sword anymore.

I couldn't understand Sango's reasoning with how intense she had been with her training and practicing during the hunt for Naraku. She even did so when we had down time. It just doesn't make sense. I understand our lives are peaceful now but there's always the chance of an attack by a low level demon or a band of bandits bent on stealing, raping women, and destroying the village. I've read about such things in my history books, and I even saw it during our hunt for Naraku and the jewel shards so it's not like it's an impossibility.

After my failure with Sango I tried to ask Miroku to help me with my powers, but he always seemed to subtly change the subject when we were talking and then disappear once the conversation was over. It was clear Inuyasha got to him as well, or he has his own reason for not wanting to help me.

I just don't understand.

Day Forty-five:
Since writing the above it didn't take long for me to realize that I had nothing to do with my time. Miroku and Keade won't teach me. I had thought about trying to learn to at least use my powers on my own, but I have no idea where to start so that was a no go. Keade hadn't gotten to the part where I would've learned how to consciously grab my power before Inuyasha stopped my lessons. Calling on my power was one thing, but keeping it on the surface and actively using it once I had was another thing entirely.

Sango wouldn't teach me how to use a sword, and I don't have my bow and arrows to practice with to at the very least stave off boredom. In desperation I started to spend a bit of time with the other women in the village to see what they did all day to pass the time, and I found that it was boring and wouldn't help me at all. They keep their homes clean, take care of their children, cook, and some of them work in the rice patty fields.

I already keep my hut clean and cook for myself and Inuyasha. I don't have kids. I don't mind looking after Sango and Miroku's little girl, but Sango does that so there's really no opportunity for me to do so. As for the rice patty fields, well I have no idea how to work them and when I mentioned it to Inuyasha he said I didn't belong doing that anyway.

I'm at a loss of how to spend my time without anything at all to do. This isn't how I imagined my life here at all. I thought I would learn to be a proper priestess, and take over for Keade when she could no longer do her duties or passed on. I can't use my powers as I had hoped to, and I haven't seen a single demon or half demon besides Inuyasha, Kirara, and Sesshomaru during his brief visit when I was first back in this time.

This isn't what I had hoped for, but on the bright side at least I'm with the one I love and my second family.

Day Fifty-two:
Shippo's here!

He arrived four days ago and he was incredibly surprised and happy to see me here. We've been spending nearly every moment together talking and catching each other up on our lives. I've even gone so far as to get his opinion on why Keade, Sango, and Miroku won't teach me anything.

He found it strange and also didn't understand why they refused to teach me.

Day Fifty-three:
I realized today that I've been back for nearly two months and Inuyasha has yet to kiss me. Sometimes we're interrupted when the opportunity comes, and the rest of the time he seems too embarrassed to take a chance. When I try he always seems to act like he didn't know what I was trying to do or what I wanted.

I can admit here on this paper that it's embarrassing and saddening. I get the feeling that he doesn't want to kiss me, and I don't understand why. He loves me and I love him. These things should be natural.

He doesn't even sleep next to me at night anymore. When I first came back he would hold me until I fell asleep and I would wake up lying on my sleeping mat, then he switched and would sleep next to me so I could feel his leg. I honestly don't know when he started sleeping on the other side of the hut or near the door. It reminds of our shard hunting days when he slept up in a tree or sitting up against a tree trunk.

In fact, something else I can't understand is why we haven't gotten married yet or...what do demons do? I've heard the term "mating", but I don't know exactly what that means besides the literal meaning. I know marriages take place in this time. I've seen a few for myself during the hunt for Naraku and the jewel shards, and I even got details about Sango and Miroku's ceremony.

I want to ask Inuyasha why, but with him being the way he is about a simple kiss I don't know how he would react to me wondering about our lack of marriage. Would he be angry that I asked? Would he think I was not satisfied with the way we are? Would he think I thought he was being unfaithful to me? Would he think I doubted his love?!

Day Fifty-eight:
My Shippo is gone.

He left this morning since he had only been allowed two weeks of break time, and that included the time it took to get here and get back.

Already the boredom has settled in without his energetic presence, and I'm back to not knowing what to do with myself. Back in my birth time I at least had studies to occupy and challenge my mind as well as books to read from the library or ones I bought from bookstores. Here I have nothing to do except make sure my little home is clean, and that the meat Inuyasha hunted is cooked properly.

How am I going to deal with this?

Day Sixty:
I noticed that I had a harder time then usual getting up this morning. I was so tired and just wanted to go back to sleep. That's not unusual, to want to sleep in, but it seemed stronger then it should have been. Maybe it's my imagination.

Day Sixty-five:
I'm sorry I haven't written, but I've just been so tired. I guess that means that it wasn't my imagination. Although, at least my imagination is intact with me apologizing to a piece of paper for not writing on it like its nonexistent feelings might be hurt.

It's taking more and more effort to get up every day, and it's scary because I don't feel sick or anything like that. Just tired, weak, low on energy.

Why is this happening?

Day Seventy:
I've finally been left alone long enough to write, not that I've felt like writing lately, but I know I need to get this written down. I've officially been labeled as "sick" and been told to rest. I've been sleeping later in the day and not having any energy to get up, so it's left me with a lot of time to think about what might be wrong with me. I think I know but I don't have a name for it. I don't think there is a name for it.

I noticed that since being back here I haven't been doing much of anything, at least when everyone started to refuse to teach me. I realized that I had even been prevented from taking walks in the forest bordering the village without even noticing. Inuyasha would always show up and steer me back to the village or stop me before I even left it.

I've never been one to sit around and do nothing. Even during the shard hunting days I was always doing something. I studied, and if I wasn't studying I was playing with Shippo. If I wasn't playing with him I was cooking, if I wasn't doing that I was making sure our camp was clean, and if I wasn't doing that I was going for walks.

I'm not allowed to go on walks. I'm not allowed to use my bow and arrows. I'm not allowed to learn how to use my power or anything else a priestess is supposed to do. I'm not allowed to learn how to use any other weapons. I'm not allowed to try working in the fields like the village women. Apparently I'm not allowed to do anything.

It's not so much one of these things, but all of them together building up that's the problem. I need them to understand. I don't know how much longer I can take this or even what will happen to me if this continues.

I'll talk to them. Hopefully that will help.

Day Eighty-five:
I've finally finished talking to Sango, Miroku, and Inuyasha. It took days of conversation here and there between their busy schedules and my weakness, but I finally understand. Funny. This started because I wanted them to understand.

They don't understand, and never have.

They can't seem to understand why I would want to work with my power when there's no need for them. They don't understand the fact that my power being a part of me is reason enough. I tried to tell them that I needed activity; that I needed things to keep me occupied. I told them to remember all the studying I used to do. That it wasn't just for me to learn, it had been a way for me to keep busy.

Turns out the only one of our group that had paid any attention to what I said about my time was Shippo. Inuyasha and the others never understood what I was saying when I talked about what I was studying in my time; even with the explanations I had given. I had expected Inuyasha and Miroku to understand since Inuyasha had been able to pass through the well and see my time, and Miroku because he had read my textbooks.

I now realize that even though Miroku had read them he hadn't quite understood, and had never bothered to ask for an explanation. Most likely because he felt he didn't need to know something that had nothing to do with the time he lived in. Inuyasha had never tried to understand what I had been studying, but I had thought he would at least see that my studies were complicated. After a conversation I realized that he had thought I was learning something completely different then what I was.

He thought I was studying to be a house wife. Learning to cook, clean, and take care of children and a husband. He had seen me read my textbooks and write on my paper then take care of Shippo and Rin when the little girl was around. He thought it was practice after reading it in my books. The same for cooking for the group during our travels.

It hadn't helped that that was all he had seen my mother do when he came to my time. He didn't understand that the shrine brought in money and that my mother and grandfather took care of the place and made sure it functioned right, and he didn't see that my mom had a part time job to supplement our family income.

I've come to understand that Sesshomaru and Shippo are the only ones to have paid attention when I talked about my studies. I remember Sesshomaru reading the more interesting books I had and he understood the material, even deign to help me understand when I was stuck, and even though some of it was too complicated for him Shippo had tried to understand and was able to grasp what he could. Neither one of them thought I was learning how to be a wife.

It also seems that even Sango had only taken the time to learn about some of the products I brought to share with her because she liked those things. She hadn't tried to remember and understand about the things I studied because she didn't need to know them, and she thought that if I ended up staying in this time with them then I wouldn't need to either.

It broke my heart and made me depressed when I finally understood their thoughts. I'm sure it made my condition deteriorate more to find out that the one I loved and those I considered a second family had never actually taken the time to know me. I understand that it was things they didn't need to understand and know, but they didn't even try just out of care and consideration of me. I cared enough about them to learn all I could about them and the things that shaped their lives.

All they see me as is the untrained shikon miko from the future, reincarnation of Kikyou, a naive young girl who's mostly ignorant of this era.

Day Ninety-five:
I'm so tired. I barely have the energy to write this, but I needed to get this out. I doubt I'll be reading this again with my condition worsening, but maybe someone will eventually come along and read and understand my situation. It would be nice if it happened while I was still around, but it most likely won't.

I'm so very tired and it's a struggle to keep my thoughts straight and remember what I wanted to say.

Kami, I've already forgotten what I wanted to say. Something about Inuyasha I know...ah now I remember. I tried talking to him again. I didn't make any progress, but I did realize something during our short talks. About his behavior, the way he treats me. A part of him is doing this on purpose.

I suspected Inuyasha was treating me in a mixture of wanting me to be a woman of this time as well as keeping me from doing things that would show him up, make him look weak since I've become more powerful then him. I don't think he liked that. Maybe he's going a bit insane.

He knows what he's doing to me, but at the same time he doesn't. If I'm understanding right his demon blood, his demon side wants me because I'm powerful, but at the same time it doesn't like that I'm more powerful then him. His human side likes how I take care of him and thinks I should be like the village women, only different...better or something since he didn't want me working in the fields like some of them.

Knowing this, understanding this still doesn't change the fact that he apparently doesn't really know me. To him I'm the untrained shikon miko who doesn't know how to navigate in this time and has to rely on him. Not knowing me means he can't love me. I wonder if he only said he did so I wouldn't try going back through the well and leave him behind. Makes me wonder if he sees me as the only piece of Kikyou he can have.

It makes sense now. Why he wouldn't kiss me, why he stopped sleeping next to me, and why we never married. He obviously doesn't want me in that way, but he wants me in every other way.

I wonder if he would have continued to drive away any suitors that showed an interest in me like he did with Kouga. Staking his claim so everyone knew I was his. I supposed it doesn't matter since everyone in the village knows we're together or at least appeared to be together, and since travelers never approached me they must have been told the same thing.

I can't believe I spent so many years loving him. It's now glaringly obvious it was a waste.

Day ?:
I've lost count of how many days it's been since I last wrote. I don't care to find out either. This will likely be the last time I write. I simply don't have the energy to hold the pen any longer. Writing this is taking all the strength I have.

Doesn't matter anyway. Even now my so called friends are wondering why I'm wasting my time and energy to do this. I don't care that they don't understand. In fact I don't care about them at all. I'm too tired to care.

So very tired.

I think I'm dying. It's not surprising with how much I've weakened.

I'm too tired to be sad or scared. That's probably for the best. Dying is probably best as well. I won't have to live with people who never took the time to know and understand me, won't have to live with a male who had no problem lying to me to keep me to himself, who tried to make me into something I'm not.

At least in death I can be myself.