Title: If I'd Only Known….I Promise I'll Never Let You Down
Rating: K+
Characters: Hannibal, Murdock
Geres: Friendship, Hurt/Comfort
Word Count: 5124
Dedication: JohnnyPenn, an author I have come to appreciate (as I have a lot of my L.J acquaintances)
B.A. was doing 90 mps down a foggy two-lane highway somewhere in Bailey County, Texas, late on a rainy Wednesday night in his prized van. He had been driving for the past six hours, and they were now somewhere in Bailey County, Texas. Dozing in the passenger seat was the colonel Face had been the first to fall asleep; Murdock was still awake, humming a tune that was driving B.A. crazy. He had the radio on low and would much rather just be hearing 'Thunderstruck' because damn, it was a great rock song.
"I'm warning you, man," B.A. threatened in a hushed whisper. The humming stopped for ten minutes or so and he had calmed down by the end of the rock ballad, focussing all of his attention back on the road. Thunder roared and lightening crashed; it was a horrible night.
Murdock was bored but he wasn't tired. He couldn't hear the radio from his seat in the back anyway, so soon enough he found himself humming the same tune, 'Sink the Bismarck' . It was the first tune that popped into his head .
"Shut up, man!" B.A. said in a loud whisper so he didn't wake his sleeping teammates. He felt the anger rising again and the calm dissipating. No Zen for Murdock.
"What'd I say?" Murdock asked, looking at B.A.'s reflection in the mirror .
"You humming, fool - knock it off right now!" He glared back at the pilot.
"I am?" he asked innocently, though he had been doing it on purpose. At least he thought he had. Really Half the time he didn't know what he did intentionally and what was spontaneous; it all meshed together.
"Yeah!" B.A. said through clenched teeth as he looked at the road ahead, rain swamping the windscreen, lights on high beam and wipers on.
What could B.A. possibly do to him in the confines of the van? He was safely behind him, and Hannibal and Face were in the land of nod. He pulled his worn jacket closer around him. The heater was out and it was noticeably chilly.
"Not like you're gonna do anything about it, big guy - you wouldn't wanna wake Hannibal." He had a huge goofy grin as he thought he was pretty safe from B.A.'s usual retaliation.
B.A. frowned; fool had just gone past the point of no return. Never assume you know what another person will and won't do. He should know better, but he was a few fries short of a happy meal.
"You so wrong, sucker," B.A. said, still in a hushed tone. A car passed them and the headlights flooded the van, momentarily gaining his attention. Ahead he saw a sign that caused a smile that would put any of Face's charmers to shame.
B.A. put the blinker on and pulled off into a very convenient though middle-of-nowhere motel parking lot. Murdock felt very unsafe as B.A. swiftly undid his seatbelt, turned the motor off, and spun around to look him dead in the eyes. Murdock swallowed hard as he undid his own belt. B.A. was pissed. He felt like he was the guy holding the red flag toward B.A., the bull.
Shit! This is bad. Very bad. Infinity bad... I'm a dead man. I wonder if I'll see that light some say you see when you die?
"Calm d-down B.A... don't want to wake Face and H-Hannibal, do you?" He jumped over the seat into the back, bangs stuck to his forehead with sweat. The movement caused Face to stir and he blinked up at B.A.'s aggressive posture - more aggressive than usual - and became a little worried. He couldn't see Murdock and had no idea who B.A. was angry at.
Hannibal was fighting his way back to the land of the conscious, trying to work out where they were and what was going on. He saw B.A. climbing into the back and Murdock's unmanly whimper.
"B.A.?" Face asked, a little worried as B.A. had climbed over into the middle of the van and cracked his knuckles. He noticed that B.A. was not focused on him, however, and felt for Murdock. What has he done this time?
"What is going on back there?" Hannibal barked, turning around and meeting Face's shrug. The kid looked scared, but B.A. on the warpath had that effect. We need to have some team building activities, I think; this is getting out of hand.
"They're awake and you're dead meat, sucker!" B.A. growled with his usual loud tone as he gained on Murdock, backed against the rear doors of the van, brown eyes darting around wildly.
"B.A! Murdock! Stop it right now!" Hannibal slid open the side door. Face jumped at the opportunity and bailed out into the storm-ravaged night. The rain had ceased for now, though the dark clouds still threatened.
Murdock was in flight mode; he was more a lover than a fighter at the best of times. He'd jump in on a bar fight or back up his teammates, no worries, but he'd rather not be the one starting said fights. Not unless bullied relentlessly, or if anyone insulted Amy Allen, Cookie Monster, or one his many unique personalities. His mind wasn't helping the situation at hand.
You provoked him. You always provoke them. You should be hurt. You're a bad person. He shook his head, trying to clear that awful voice, like changing a radio station because you can't stand the song that's playing.
"Help!" he howled. B.A. was right in front of him and he had nowhere left to run. Don't hurt me, please don't, please. At least this voice wasn't blaming him.
"B.A!" Hannibal warned as he climbed into the van.
"Damn fool been humming all night, driving me crazy, Hannibal," B.A. said, hovering over Murdock, glaring as menacingly as he could.
Murdock dropped his head and waited for the first blow and the shocking pain that always came with it. In his mind he wasn't in the van anymore; he was back at the V.A. He was alone and he was going to be hurt, again. He wouldn't whimper; that always made them strike even harder.
This was briging back memories of the V.A. when he would have episodes and the night staff would hit him until he stopped yelling. Sometimes they gave him extra ECT sessions that never made it into his records; one doctor broke two of his ribs because he kicked him too hard. It got written up as a fight with another patient. He would never go back; they must be out of their heads if they thought he would ever voluntarily go back to that hell hole.
He couldn't trust as openly as he did before he ended up there, always thought people had ulterior motives. But he was beginning to show more of himself around Hannibal, and sometimes Face. He saw Face as a friend and Hannibal was like the father he'd never had growing up. B.A. was like the bigger, older, uglier brother that was cool sometimes and not at others - like now.
Hannibal was intuitive and picked up on the change in Murdock's behavior immediately. It was a little over the top even for him as he would normally be throwing taunts at B.A, not egging him on presa but not giving in without a loud ruckus.
"B.A., hold up a minute. Murdock?" Hannibal questioned. Why can't you boys play nice?
B.A. held his glare but didn't strike the hunched pilot, though he wanted to.
"Hey, Hannibal, look!"
Hannibal turned to see what had drawn his Face's attention from the impending fight. B.A. turned back to look too.
Hannibal hadn't noticed they were in the parking lot of a motel when he'd gotten out of the van. Not five stars but anything was better than WW III inside a van. He sighed before turning back to the raging gold-clad bull.
"B.A., you know he can't help it and he is sorry, aren't you, son?" he said, looking sternly at Murdock.
The pilot still had his arms up as if he expected B.A. to lash out at him any second. His eyes were wider than Hannibal thought they should be and he was shaking - only slightly, but Hannibal noticed it and it worried him.
"Yes, I am! Really super sorry, big guy, with a cherry on top and sprinkles and..." He started to run his words together, and cast his eyes back down at his feet, his arms still in place.
"Damn fool, shut up!" B.A. growled as he moved away from the mad pilot. That's all he wanted in the first place, for the fool to shut up.
Murdock flinched at B.A.'s snap and lifted his head up slightly, watching B.A. move back, but he didn't make any effort to move from his position against the door. He lowered his arms slightly, watching all three watching. His mind was coming back to the present. In the team's van, and Hannibal was here.
Disaster averted. Muscles you can unfreeze now. For God's sake, be more careful. Hannibal won't be here one day and then what?
B.A. got out and stood by Face. Hannibal turned his back on the hunched up pilot and consulted the yawning conman and still agitated mechanic. Light rain started to fall again, and he put his hands in the pockets of his trench coat.
"I think we should stay here for the night. It's obvious we could all use a break and the weather is lousy." Especially to keep you and him from each other.
"Yeah, I'm getting drowsy, man," B.A. admitted. It's been a while since we've had such a close shave with Lynch. Maybe I was a bit hard on the fool. Weather seems to be setting in too.
"I'll go get the rooms then," Face volunteered, and headed in the direction of the office, carefully avoiding the biggest puddles. Anything to get away from the tension between Murdock and B.A., although this place looks like it belongs in Psycho; only missing that house…
He changed his opinion when he walked through the door a brunette in her early twenties with a low cut purple sweater greeted him. He chatted her up as he booked the rooms, but hit a snag when she checked what rooms were available; the news he had to present to the guys may mean another fight. Damn, she was so pretty too. And a soft bed beats the van any day. Oh well, as Ned Kelley said - 'such is life'.
B.A. went to get his bag from the back, but Hannibal put a hand on his arm, stopping him. It must be important as Hannibal knows B.A. is not a touchy-feely kind of man by any means.
"Tell me what happened between you and Murdock," Hannibal said in a calm voice. Raindrops collected in his silver hair and ran down his back.
"Crazy fool wouldn't stop humming – then he said I wouldn't do nothing and I lost my temper, boss." He shrugged. I did come down hard on him but I asked him to knock it off and I warned him. He'll be back to bugging hell out of me come morning anyhow.
The rain began to intensify.
"That's all?" he pressed.
"Yep." B.A. said as he walked to the driver's door and took the keys from where they still rested in the ignition and locked the passenger's door from the inside before he got out and locked the drivers.
Thunder echoed in the distance.
"Bad news I'm afraid," Face said as he came to stand by Hannibal, wondering why they were standing out in the rain.
"No room at the inn?" Hannibal joked; sometime you just have to use humor. Maybe it was too good to be true...
"Spill!" B.A was not in the mood for jokes or games of any kind, from anyone.
If it's gonna hit the fan like I think it will, Face thought, be ready to run like hell for shelter…maybe with the receptionist…
"I was able to get us rooms... only... one is a double." Face quickly threw Hannibal two room keys and high tailed it to the motel with the other key before he ended up having to share.
Hannibal, who'd been unprepared for the toss, caught one key but had to search for the other in the gravel. "Maybe I'm getting to old for this shit," he thought as he heard his knees crack.
"Thanks, kid!" he yelled, rolling his eyes as he saw Face rush into one of the rooms.
"I ain't sharing with that crazy, Hannibal!" No goddamned way! B.A. got out before Hannibal could say what he was thinking.
Murdock was still hunched over with his back pressed into the back door. He had stopped shaking and wasn't sweating as much. He planted himself firmly in the present again, his heart beat slowing to a normal pace.
Hey, I can hear you! Sometimes you talk about me like I'm not here. I hate that! Why do people do that to me?
"Good, because I thought it was a bad idea anyway." Hannibal handed B.A. one of the room keys, the one with an 'S' that he surmised meant single.
"Thanks, man," B.A. nodded at Hannibal, and growled at the still stationary captain as he pulled his bag from the van and made tracks to the motel room. Hannibal pulled his duffle to the sliding door, then looked over at Murdock.
This should prove... interesting. I usually stick you with Face or B.A., don't I? Why is that, I wonder?
"Come on. son, you're with me." He smiled at him.
"Rather stay here," Murdock mumbled whilst he eyed his worn out Taylor's.
Hannibal sighed. He was getting soaked and it was cold out.
"Murdock, grab your bag and come on."He was a little louder this time. I want to get some sleep before we leave at day break.
"No, Hannibal." He shook his head.
"Murdock, it's late and it's cold. Come on." His tone was more direct this time. I'll order you, so help me, kid.
"I can't! Just go away." He pulled his cap down to hide more of his face as he slid down the door, bending his knees out in front of him.
"I won't do that." Hannibal climbed into the van and slid the door shut to keep the rain out - and to keep what was said inside private.
"Tell me what's wrong." He knelt on the seat looking into the back. Damn knees.
"You can't help," Murdock mumbled. I am what I am – nothing can change what I've seen, what I've done, what's been done to me... So many times….
"Try me, son." His voice was still calm and his concern was evident. He wanted to hug his son and draw out his pain, but he didn't know what it was and he didn't want to further upset his special boy. They were all special in their own ways but Murdock was, the most unique, he felt privileged to be one of this man's friends, although he knew they all saw him as a father figure of sorts.
A silence filled the van as Murdock thought and Hannibal waited patiently,. Murdock still looked down and his hands played with his once white laces.
I'm a basket case. God damn it, he's your boss, don't cry.
"No, you really can't help Hannibal" he shook his head rapidly.
"I can try... if you let me." His voice wasn't that ordering tone of Colonel John Hannibal Smith. It was softer, that of Hannibal, the father figure, the voice he usually reserved for when Amy was around. I'm glad she's not here to see this.
Murdock sighed; Hannibal was not one to back down lightly. He would stay all night if he had to, and Murdock didn't think he could keep up his mask that long. Might as well go with a half-truth; tell enough to get him off your back but nothing more.
"When B.A. was coming at me – I know he wouldn't actually hurt me... would he?" He looked to Hannibal, head tilted slightly as if he wanted reassurance. The look in his eyes could melt the coldest of hearts.
"No, son, he wouldn't hurt you. None of us would." What is this all about? We went over this when we sprang you last time. What's running through that wondrousmind of yours?
Murdock twisted his cap in his hands, looking up at Hannibal now but not meeting his eyes. Would he believe the full truth? You can out run him anyway, rain or no rain. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly.
"I had a flashback to when... see the night staff at the V.A would... they hurt me... so many times..." His voice broke and Hannibal felt a tug on his heart as Murdock bared his soul. No jokes, no funny voices or sock puppets, just raw emotions.
"Whenever I woke up screaming from a nightmare... but they were so vivid... graphic... the sounds... and I... I... was frightened…." He was fighting the tears that threatened to fall. Christ, it's all coming back... the pain... cruelty... malice... the inhumanity...
"I was scared and they'd... they'd hit me... kick me... yell at me... shock me..." As the memories came to the surface he couldn't help the shakes that wracked his lanky body and the few tears that fell from his brown eyes. His hands wrapped around his knees, puling as tightly as they could.
"One time I remember a belt... my back... father used to... " He reached back and rubbed his lower back as he recalled that severe beating.
He was crying freely now; he couldn't help it, the memories hurt so much. Though Hannibal could see the trail of tears down his cheeks and hear the odd sniffle, Murdock was almost too silent.
Hannibal stayed quiet for a moment, just watching, waiting to see if he would add anything else. He was disappointed that his son had not informed him sooner; he would never have made him go back after the first few missions. If I'd only known... . No wonder you... . We made you go back... I wanted you to go back... to be safe from Decker or Lynch. Oh my god!
Around them the rain continued falling, running down the windshield, echoing off the van's roof.
"A part of you thought B.A. would hurt you like they did?" Hannibal asked softly.
He knew Murdock had been hurt but he thought most of it was psychological. He had seen him have many episodes and he could be loud, random, and weird but very few were violent. Murdock was a gentle man, that's why he didn't hesitate to leave Amy alone with him when they first met her He blinked rapidly to stop the tears he felt in the corners of his eyes. How could anyone hurt him?
"I don't... something like that... yeah." He sniffled and swiped away the tears from his eyes.
"Come here," Hannibal said gently. How could they hurt you? They were supposed to help you, take care of you and that brilliant and unique mind if yours. Doctors are supposed to treat wounds, not inflict them.
"As long as you are on this team I promise to never let them get you back"
"S'okay, Hannibal, I'll be fine," Murdock replied with a small smile.
As he reached for his bag, Hannibal nodded in understanding. Murdock was not overly affectionate at the best of times, he'd swipe, wack or play but he was hesitant of any overly physical touches. At least now Hannibal had insight into why. It must be very hard to trust us when the people who were supposed to care for you abused that trust before.
Murdock jumped out of the van, determinedly leaving his sorrow for another day. Hannibal followed pulling the door shut with a scrape and a click. The thunder crackled and a drizzle of rain still fell, adding to the puddles in the parking lot.
"I'm here if you do want to talk. Anytime," Hannibal said as he opened the door to their room.
"I know that. Thanks," Murdock said in a flat tone. Then, as if he flicked a switch inside, his energy changed back to that of an excited ten-year-old. Just like that.
"Bags the first shower!" Murdock said as he ran into the bathroom and locked the door.
Hannibal sighed and put his bag at the foot of one of the single beds and hung his damp coat over the coffee table to dry out. Then he laid back on the bed, feeling the softness. It felt great on his slightly aching back.
"Murdock is a lot like an onion; some people like them and some don't. They have layers and they make you cry," he thought, as the sound of the running shower came, followed by out of tune singing.
I wish I knew the full story about his V.A experiences but I guess if he wants to tell me he will. If I push, he'll seal himself off and reveal nothing, just bottle it all up and let it eat him from the inside out. I have seen that happen too many times.
Murdock's distinctive singing of 'Sink the Bismarck' could be heard over the running shower and Hannibal felt a smile cross his face. Murdock was a man that chose be live life as a child to avoid a repeat of the horrors he had seen during his life. As long as he was on his team, Hannibal vowed to look after him and his brothers as though they were his own kin.
A rap on the door distracted Hannibal from his train of thought; opening it he saw a freshly showered Face wrapped up in a long dressing gown. He had a confused look of his face.
"What can I do for you?"he asked his youngest as he leaned on the dark green door frame.
"Is he okay?" Face hitched a thumb towards the bathroom. Murdock reacted differently than I have ever seen him before. B.A. is a scary guy but he was really terrified.
He walked out into the foggy night, clicking the door shut behind him, key in his left pants pocket. Of course you'd notice. Aside from me, you are the most observant of us all.
"I wish I knew. I think he will be." Hannibal took out a cigar and felt in his other pocket for his matches.
"He was shaking, wasn't he?" Face asked in a low tone, rubbing his hands to warm them. He blew on them and continued to rub them.
"Yeah, he had a flashback to the V.A... I can't tell you what happened but... " found the matches and lit his cigar. I won't abuse his trust... how can I?
"That's okay. I don't think I want to know. I mean it's not that I don't care but…" He faltered for the right way to end that statement. He ran a hand through his damp hair.
"First time for everything," Hannibal mused to himself. You two have bonded and it's nice to see you have someone closer to your age to talk to I guess. B.A. isn't into the same things as you and I am older…too old, sometimes, I think.
"I think you care so much, you'd rather Murdock tell you himself if he wants to?" Hannibal said around his cigar, smoke rising and meeting the fog.
"Yes," Face replied with a smile. Sometimes I think you know us better than we know ourselves, Hannibal.
"Get some sleep, Face. We leave after dawn." Hannibal smiled and patted him on the shoulder.
"All right. Night." He smiled and turned for his room, clutching the long white robe closer to his body.
"And next time just hand me the keys? Night."He heard a laugh and watched Face enter his room.
Hannibal smoked the rest of his cigar, listening to the sounds of the dying storm, before he went back into the warmer motel room. Murdock was on the single bed farthest from the door, lying on his back with his feet where his head should be . Wearing the Cookie Monster winter pyjamas Face gotten him for his birthday last month. His damp shoes, well-worn jacket, and faithful cap were atop his bag at the foot of the bed.
"Heard what you said to Faceman." He didn't look over at Hannibal as he spoke, but focused on a stain on the ceiling, squinting at it like he was examining a piece of fine art.
"It's not nice to eavesdrop, Murdock." Though I guess I understand why. He took off his shoes before hunting for his toothbrush and pajamas in his duffle bag.
Murdock moved to his side, now looking over at him.
"I know. Thank you, Hannibal."
"For what?" Hannibal asked, pulling out his pajamas with a tug. Then his eyes rested on Murdock. Those pajamas are so very you. Nice one, Face.
"For not sayin... .You could have and... I... you know." He shrugged as best one can when leaning on one shoulder.
"It wasn't my place, son." He took his night clothes and toothbrush to the bathroom and paused at the door. "Did you really think I would?" he asked as he turned back to Murdock. A pang of hurt went through him.
"You could have and you didn't. That means a lot. I don't trust easy and... uh... yeah." He sat up on the edge of his bed and crossed his legs.
"We are family. A rather unique one granted but…" Hannibal yawned. Maybe we should get him some fuzzy slippers to go with the pj's.
"That's the truth!" Murdock said and he laughed heartily, which made Hannibal smile.
"Get some sleep, Murdock. We all need it," Hannibal said, turning on the bathroom light.
"'Kay. Night," Murdock said. as He pulled up the covers and got into his bed, snuggling his head onto a very soft pillow. He resisted the urge to ask for a bedtime story.
"Night, son," Hannibal replied as he shut the bathroom door.
When Hannibal emerged from the bathroom, the room was dark but for the green glow from the motel's neon sign filtering through a small gap in the navy curtains. He padded softly to his bed, dumped his worn clothes into his bag and pulled down the thick covers.
"Hannibal?" came a soft whisper in the darkness.
"Yes, Murdock?"
"Doesn't matter... ." Stupid idea anyway.
"Murdock?"
A sigh came from the other single bed. Murdock swallowed.
"Can... I... sleep with you tonight?" Maybe I could have worded that better…
"Did you have another flashback?"
Hannibal turned his lamp on and its light filled the room. He looked over to Murdock; he was sitting with his back against the headboard and his long legs drawn up under the covers.
Murdock nodded and sniffled .
"I was trying to go to sleep, y'know... but my mind kept... I was back there... and it wouldn't let me... I... " He shook his head, trying to clear it.
Hannibal could see the glistening trail down his cheeks; he had been or was crying. He had learned long ago that Murdock had this sad ability to cry silently and alone. Perhaps this stemmed from his experiences in the V.A?
"Yes... might be a t bit squishy though." The last time I did this was with Face…his feet were like ice cubes and we had a double bed.
Hannibal pulled back the covers on his bed and moved to the left side, as far as he could anyway. Murdock all but fell in his rush to get out of his bed. He flew in next to Hannibal but facing away from him. He had his knees up and thus took up three quarters of Hannibal's bed.
It's a good thing he's so lanky or I doubt we'd both fit in this single bed. Be more companionable if this was a double…The more I learn about your past, son, the more I can see why you fade in and out of reality. Your life has not been so great, has it?
Hannibal pulled the covers up and brought up his left hand to run through Murdock's hair. Murdock sighed and relaxed his body at the affectionate touch. This was the one man who believed in him and his ability as a talented pilot and lovable man, no matter what he thought of himself. He felt more tears fall from his tired eyes.
"I know you're crying. It's okay," Hannibal said from behind him.
"How did you? I only just…?" He hadn't made any sound - how did he know?
"Because I would be doing the same thing." Or rather, Face would; you two are very alike in some ways.
"Really?" Surprise was evident in his quiet tone.
Hannibal chuckled.
"Contrary to the myths, I have emotions too," Hannibal said as he moved to hug Murdock as best he could.
Murdock rolled to be face to face with Hannibal and smiled; despite all of his demons, mannerisms, and personalities galore, someone still cared about him. This man, Hannibal, still respected him despite everything he was.
"I don't know about you...," Hannibal said, "but I could use some sleep." Unless there is more you want to talk about. It doesn't happen enough with you. His eyes locked with Murdock's.
"Mmm," Murdock replied as his heavy eyelids closed again; this time he didn't re-open them. Feeling the warmth of someone he looked up to so close, and strong arms holding him, he fought past the fringes of his mind and let sleep wash over him.
"Sleep well, son," Hannibal said softly as Murdock's breathing evened out, and his followed close behind.
-Fini-
Changed the "B.A" to "B.A." ;)
Watch over-explaining, and repetitive descriptions. Readers will get it the first time (especially if you're talking about canon or fanon type things).
Watch how you use the ellipsis. Use it only once, and if it's at the end of the sentence, add a period. For example, "For not sayin... You", not " For not sayin….You". And don't substitute it for a period (ie, don't use it for natural pauses, only extended ones or when the statement trails off).