Darth Maul v. Daleks

I still don't own anything. Not even the original copy of this story which my computer decided to delete. (Yay technology!) So, here is the inferior second version.

Boo-hoo.

At least this isn't still a one-shot. A cute little plot bunny started hopping around my brain…but given that it was about Darth Maul, I guess it's not just a cute little plot bunny, it's a Monty-Python-esque vicious rabbit with red and black fur, horns, and a murderous disposition, chasing my subconscious around the tunnels of my brain matter.

Shudder.

Please read and review. If you want me to pit any other Star Wars or Doctor Who characters against one another, just review or PM me and let me know!

And yes, the Dalek is highly out of character—it's just easier to pick on Darth Maul that way. It's all in pure fun, of course—

(Be quiet, Mauly. Of course you're having fun.) Ignore him, guys.

Anyway, story time.

Darth Maul vs. Daleks

The Dalek emerged victorious from the smoldering ruin of a house. After having just defeated the Yuuzhan Vong and slaughtered Rik Paldon's entire household, it basked in glory.

All of a sudden, a blue swirly vortex thing appeared in space. Ooh…pretty.

And Darth Maul stepped out. Ooh…not so pretty.

What's this? he said, or rather thought, because according to his contract, Darth Maul is not allowed to vocalize more than two lines per story. I was just battling a Jedi on Naboo! He was about to bisect me with his lightsaber, and I was busy not reacting, for some weird reason, even though I had plenty of time to see the lightsaber. I guess the vortex explains that.

Or maybe I'm just lazy today.

The Dalek pointed its gun at the strange creature emerging from the vortex. "Identify yourself."

No! Darth Maul thought. Obviously, I'm Darth Maul! I can't say anything!

"Obviously," the Dalek replied, "I'm a Dalek. I can't read minds."

"Really?" Darth Maul asked, "because it sounded just there like you were replying to my thought and-" He clapped his hands over his mouth. "Curse you! You made me talk! I can't do that! How did you do this? HOW DID YOU ACQUIRE THIS STRANGE POWER OVER ME?"

The Dalek was confused. I guess I'll just fall back on the old standby, it thought. "Exterminate!" It shot a laser at Darth Maul, who jumped out of the way.

The Dalek was surprised at Darth Maul's agility, and it shot another laser at him. He jumped out of the way again, this time with a roll at the end.

The Dalek shot a third laser, and Maul jumped out of the way with a backflip. It shot a fourth laser, and Maul jumped out of the way with a double backflip. It shot a fifth laser, and Maul did a triple back layout with a half-twist.

This continued for a while, with Maul's flips getting progressively more ornate, until-

Darth Maul fell into his bad habit of suddenly stopping his energetic motion and seeing a threat, but staying absolutely still and deciding not to react to it. I really got to work on that! So, he got hit with a stray Dalek laser. "Ow!" he yelled. Well, I guess I could justify that as a manly grunt…That doesn't count, that doesn't count! He waved his arms in the air and shook his head to indicate this unfairness.

The Dalek snorted at this. Okay…the author snorted. And the Dalek (not the author) kept shooting.

"You know," the Dalek said conversationally as all this shooting continued (Yes, Daleks can talk conversationally [although don't audialize {like visualize: I had to coin a word right there} that too hard, or it will stop making sense, and if there's one thing I don't want to do, it's break the sensible narrative of this story!], at least for the purposes of this fic!), "You seem awfully stressed and mad at me. I do hope it's not because you're worried about disobeying your mandate. You would have to say two more things to actually break your-"

And the Dalek fired a laser at him, taking off one of his horns. Darth Maul slowly and melodramatically felt his scorched head. "NO! Not my beautiful Zabrak horn! And-" he poked the top of his bald cranium some more—"you BURNED off my beautiful Sith tattoo! I was mad before but THIS! MEANS! WAR!" he declared "ButyesIhavenomorelinesleftso thisisallstillonelineandIwil lbesilentafterthis," he added in one breath. And with that, he ignited one blade, then the other, of his lightsaber.

The Dalek moved its eyestalk, focusing on the lightsaber. "Identify… is that the weapon of a Jedi Knight?"

"At last we will reveal ourselves to the Jedi. At last, we will have revenge," Darth Maul spat out. Then he caught himself. "NOOO! I broke the silence mandate! I HATE Jedi, and I'm contractually obligated to say that whenever I hear their name. But I'm also obligated to be silent. So what could I do? It's not my FAULT!" He gnashed his teeth in rage and sunk to the ground, screaming.

The Dalek made a weird metallic noise.

"What are you doing?"

"I don't know…I am not capable of possessing a sense of humor, but perhaps this is it." The Dalek looked over at Maul's prostrated form again. He was pounding the ground in slow-motion anger. "Yes, this must be humor. I'm sorry-" the Dalek dissolved into a fit of metallic screeching and wrenching-"it's just impossible to take you seriously!"

Maul stood up slowly, palms upraised to the sky. "Okay, that's it. I'm TIRED of people laughing at me and trying to kill me. It has been an ATROCIOUSLY bad day."

"Yeah, tell me about it."

"So, random robot guy, know for thyself that I am Darth Maul! I am doom! I am your death! I will kill you, with my own hands, by, erm, mauling you to death and killing you with, uh, blood…" he ran out of steam.

The Dalek (okay…the author) started laughing hysterically again. "Maybe it's best if you don't talk." He shot another laser, performing another hornectomy on Maul and enjoying the delicious look of wounded dignity that writhed across his face.

"You know what?" said Darth Maul. "I'm sick and tired of stupid robots and screenwriters telling me when I can or can't talk." He rushed towards the Dalek, lightsaber ignited, deflecting the continuous stream of laser energy which the Dalek was pumping into him off towards a random corner.

"I-" he had reached the Dalek-"actually like to talk!" He hit the Dalek with the lightsaber. "It's really fun!" He hit the Dalek again. "Annoying people have been denying me this! My whole life! Ever since I was just a baby, neglected, lonely, with a typical villain backstory of woe-" He hit the Dalek a third time, before noticing that the lightsaber wasn't making any sort of impact. "What the frick?"

The Dalek replied smugly, "Precisely."

"Huh?"

"Oh, well, since we found out that Jedi-"

"At last we will reveal ourselves to the Jedi. At last we will have revenge-ah! I have to stop saying that!"

"-are very common in this galaxy, we took the precaution of encasing ourselves in the alloy known as phrik. It deflects lightsaber blows."

"That's not exactly what I meant by 'frick.'"

"I'm confused. Exterminate!" The Dalek shot another laser. Maul did an aerial cartwheel over the hilt of his lightsaber to avoid the blade. Due to his excessive momentum, he landed on top of the Dalek.

"Hey!" A thought traversed Maul's brain matter for once. "This is the one place where I can't get shot! I'll just stay up here and let the Dalek be frustrated!" He was shocked at the profundity of such a statement emerging from his brain.

(Okay, that was maybe a little uncalled for. My apologies, Maul. I'm sure these will comfort you before what I'll have the Dalek do to you next.)

Maul sat on top of the Dalek, pointing and laughing. The Dalek twisted around its laser turret 360 degrees, but in vain. It failed to reach Maul, who was currently performing a one-armed handstand on top of the Dalek's dome just to mock it. Unfortunately, the handstand was not very well balanced. As Maul came down, the Dalek rapidly shot out from under him before he could get a good grip, leaving him flat-faced on the ground.

"Elevate!" The Dalek began to slowly rise up into the air.

Maul, stuck on the ground, snarled at the Dalek. "Your shell may be encased in phrik," he remarked. "But what about that eye turret? I bet you couldn't get alloy work done that intricately. If I cut that off, you'll be blind."

"How exactly are you going to get me?" The Dalek floated mockingly in the air, about twenty feet up.

"Well, I'll jump up with the Force, obviously. Duh."

"Don't try it, Maul! I've got the high ground." The Dalek's laser was primed and ready, zeroing in on his infuriated target.

"YOU UNDERESTIMATE MY POWERS!" bellowed Maul with a bull's roar. With a furious application of will, he rocketed up to the Dalek's level.

Instead of shooting Maul in midair (what any sensible life-form would have done), the Dalek merely rotated his eye turret around, so that his body blocked Maul from reaching it. Maul tried to reach around the Dalek, but his Force energy had been concentrated purely upwards, and he couldn't move around so delicately. In trying to do so, he lost his concentration.

He hung in the air for a few long moments, like Wil E. Coyote, and then, with a perplexed look on his face, he began to descend to the hard ground below.

After an interval of a couple seconds, the esteemed Sith Darth Maul, for lack of a better term, splatted.

He was still alive, though.

He groaned. He knew he had only been spared so the author could save him for later torturing.

The Emperor Dalek wandered over to the plot-broken creature. "Oh, hello. Who's this?"

"Some random intruder," the Dalek replied. "I've been trying to kill him, but he's surprisingly resilient."

"I'll take care of it," the Emperor Dalek said. For those of you who haven't watched the end of the first season of Doctor who, the Emperor Dalek is—uh, how can I describe it? Like if you split a Dalek's shell into three lengthwise pieces and splayed the pieces out at angles, like a tripod. This whole assembly supports a central, cylindrical glass tank hanging below, which contains the actual Dalek.

You know what? Just Google it. This is too hard! I don't have to explain these things to you!

"Isn't that kind of the point of writing a story? Describing things?"

"Talk about a lazy author! You're the type of writer who gives fan fiction a bad name!"

Dalek, Maul, shut up. You are the last two people who should be giving literary advice.

"I told you guys!" Maul extended his arms. "I discovered a new love of words today!"

Just then, the Emperor Dalek decided to kill Maul. Okay…the author did.

Maul charged towards the Emperor Dalek, hoping to slice through the glass case containing its body so that it would die ignominiously. He ran, leaping and bounding over the metal ground beneath him, lightsaber out and blazing at both ends, like that candle in that…um…one…poem. (My intellectual quota is filled for the day.)

The tip of the piercing lightsaber blade was an iota away from the hazy transparent material of the tank, when the Emperor Dalek snapped its tripod legs shut. Maul was trapped inside the Dalek's interior, squished by its metal plates.

Maul groaned. "Oh-"

(censored)

Postscript: After Maul had stopped cursing and blaspheming the sacred name of Dalek, the Emperor Dalek released his unconscious form. They realized that, despite being crushed by giant metal plates, he wasn't all that hurt. Just a whiner.

So they popped him back into the time vortex and sent him back to Naboo. Startled by the sudden and disorienting change in locale, he had much less time than it appeared in the movie to react to Obi-Wan's blade. So, all in all, I think we can forgive him for that.

-Fin-