Part I
"Slayer!" Spike awoke with a start. He blinked a few times, momentarily disoriented. "What was that all about?" he wondered aloud.
For the past one hundred forty seven days, his dream was a constant. Well, it was more of an unwanted memory that consistently replayed in his head while he dreamed, and it always ended the same way; Buffy's bruised and broken body sprawled lifelessly on the ground. The dream plagued his mind day and night, never allowing him a moment's peace. Only, this time, the dream had been different. So completely different, in fact, that Spike found himself climbing out of his bed. He grabbed his duster, and raced out the door of his crypt. He wasn't exactly sure himself why he was going there.
"It was just a dream you stupid git!" he yelled to no one in particular. Once he reached his destination, he slowed his pace down, narrowing his eyes and chiding himself for acting this way. A few feet ahead of him, it was in plain view.
Buffy Summers
1981-2001
Spike walked towards the grave nervously and looked down. "Bloody hell!" He dropped to his knees to get a closer look and mumbled a curse under his breath. It was empty. He stared with a wide-eyed look of amazement. Was his dream accurate? Was this really happening? "The Slayer is alive?!" He looked around the cemetery, trying to figure out what to do next. He began to head towards one direction, stopped himself, and ran to the one place he could think of. "Find the Nibblet," he said to himself.
Dawn picked up the telephone and dialed as quickly as she could. She twirled the phone cord around her finger anxiously while she waited. Too deep in thought, she jumped when she heard the voice on the other end. She took a deep breath.
"Giles? It's Dawn."
Pause.
"Oh, I - I'm fine. Well, ok, maybe not fine. More like.uh, confused."
Pause.
She took another deep breath and finally managed to get out what she was trying to say. "Buffy's.alive!" Ok, so maybe that wasn't quite the way she wanted to tell Giles, but she forgot what she had rehearsed with herself for the past half hour.
Pause.
"I'm pretty sure she's alive. I don't think she's of the undead cuz she didn't seem interested in drinking blood or tearing my head off or anything."
Pause.
"Oh! She's upstairs right now."
Pause. She bit her lip as her eyes kept steering in the direction of the stairs. She heard a thump on the other end of the phone.
"Giles?"
Silence.
"Hello? Giles, ya still there?"
Pause.
"Oh, you, heh, dropped the phone. I get it. I was kinda worried."
Pause.
"Yes, I'm quite sure she's alive, Giles!"
Pause.
"Well, she's a bit out of it right now, but she seems to be doing fine.I guess."
Pause.
"Giles, I think she needs you right now. Actually, I would feel better if you were here too. It's just that I don't know why she is back and I."
Pause.
"Oh. So you're coming? Thank you, Giles. This really means a lot."
Pause.
"Ok. I'll see you then. Bye."
Dawn hung up the phone. She looked up and frowned. "I really hope you're ok, Buffy," she whispered to herself.
Unknown to her, Spike had heard the entire conversation. The vampire angrily stomped away from the house, and headed back towards his crypt.
After what seemed like endless hours, Giles landed safely in Sunnydale. He stood up and stretched his legs. The flight itself had been incredibly boring, doing nothing to ease the feeling in the pit of his stomach. No matter what he did, time seemed to run incredibly slow.
The movie they showed caused Giles to shake his head several times in disgust. Oh, what was it called? Some blonde girl, Kristy Swanson is what the credits said, beat up numerous bad guys with funny shaped ears and pointy teeth. He hadn't paid too close attention because it had just seemed all too childish.
He attempted to sleep, but the kid behind him would not shut up. He shuddered. "Are we there yet, mum?" Too bad the kid wasn't a vampire because he would have been dust after the 15th time he asked the question. He walked off the airplane, got all his baggage, and walked out of the airport.
"Back in good ole Sunnydale already," he said to himself. "Amazing, still looks the same it did when I left," he glanced at his watch, "not too long ago." He sighed which was followed by an abrupt yawn. He needed sleep, but he needed to ask some questions first. If Dawn was telling the truth, he wanted to get to the bottom of it since she didn't seem to know what was going on either.
"Well, Ripper," he said to himself, "time to find out what is happening. This is the Hellmouth though." He hailed a taxi, and told the driver where to take him.
Anya smiled. She felt great. She had the shop to herself now. She turned her head when she heard the Magic Shoppe door suddenly open, but didn't see who came in since she was in the back. She just assumed it was Xander.
"Hey Xander! Wanna play with the money? Look-----what are YOU doing here?!?!?!" She glared and put her hands on her hips.
Giles took off his glasses and rubbed them. "Well, I g-got a call from Dawn, and she asked me to come right back."
"Well, everything is JUST FINE here! So you can go back to where you came from. Besides, I own it now! Why are you here anyway? Why did Dawn call you? Did she tell you I was doing a bad job with the shop? I'll just have you know that things are going fine!"
"That's wonderful to know." Giles looked around the shop, then directly at Anya. "Buffy is alive. And for some reason, I bet you a-already knew that."
Anya fidgeted for a moment "Don't start with me! I knew you did not trust me to run this shop! You didn't want to give it to me to begin with, did you?"
"Anya." She cut him off. He sighed, then rolled his eyes, too tired from the trip back to really argue.
"Don't get an attitude with me mister! Get out! This is my store now! You gave it to me. Remember? So don't even try to take it back!"
"I'm not trying to!" Giles yelled back at her.
A surprised Anya gasped, then took a step back before replying. "Then why are YOU here?
Giles grabbed Anya's shoulders and shook her. "What on earth is going on around here? Why did I get a call from Dawn saying Buffy was alive? What did you do after I left?" He was noticeably shaken up.
"We just.we just.dammit Giles! Don't get all upset. We.."
"Do you know what you have done.could have possibly started? Did you even think about what could happen?"
Anya shrugged Giles' hands off her shoulders. She looked at him and narrowed her eyes. She walked closer to him, till she was standing nose to nose with him. She attempted to glare menacingly, but for some reason she smiled instead. Then she pounced. Before Giles knew what was going on, Anya had him up against a bookshelf, kissing him like he had never seen her kiss Xander before. 'Life on the Hellmouth gets even weirder after I return,' he thought to himself.
Spike paced back and forth in his crypt. He was restless. Hell, he was mad. Before he knew it, he was heading towards the popular Demon Bar. He was about to have a little fun.
Xander opened the door to the Magic Shop, whistling a jaunty tune. He looked around, but did not see Anya anywhere. "Ahn?" He heard a noise in the back. "Anya?" He slowly walked towards the direction the noise was coming from. He gasped when he saw what was causing the commotion. "Oh my god! Anya?!?"
Anya's head whipped around. She covered her mouth with her hand. Giles pushed Anya off him in a hurry.
"Anya, what is going on?" Xander looked at her. He wasn't sure if this was some kind of joke. Maybe her inner vengeance demon was back. Maybe she was getting revenge on him for something he did. 'Did she want that last donut I ate?' he thought angrily.
"Oh my gosh! Xander!" She ran to him to try to explain.
Xander held out his hand to stop her. "Don't come any closer." He sighed, then frowned. He finally looked up at Anya again and blinked several times. "I really was in love with you, Anya." He sighed again. "You.you were my reason for being. I would die for you. I was so happy that I had found you." He began mumbling to more to himself than to Anya. "You weren't a praying mantis or a mummy." He chuckled. "Granted, you are a former demon, but at least you are human now. Every human is entitled to make mistakes, I guess. I just wish I had seen this coming. I should have known. You and Giles fight all the time." He shook his head. "I wish I could figure out what was wrong with me. I should have known that this was never meant to happen between us. Buffy rejected me, I didn't tell Willow my feelings in time, and there are all those other times women tried to kill me. Willow once told me I was doomed. I thought you would have been different, Anya. I really need to get off the Hellmouth. Do I have a sign on my forehead that says 'Loser' or am I destined to be 'Xander Harris: Bachelor for Life?' I think it must be bad karma or something." He was rambling now.
"Xander, it wasn't anything you did. I never---"
"I'm not finished yet! No, wait. I am finished. I can't take this anymore. I have to go." He quickly turned around and ran out of the shop. Anya looked at Giles who is still in total shock. She looked back toward the front, then back at Giles again. "Do you think he was really really mad at me.or just a little mad?" She pouted. "I just did something wrong. I guess this means no more sex from Xander, right?"
Giles just stared at Anya and shook his head.
"Hello all! Anyone up for a little.fun?" Spike smiled, changed to his game face, and proceeded to kick some demon ass.
No sooner did Xander open the door when he found himself suddenly ducking out of the way of an oncoming chair. After the initial shock, he surveyed the area, and took in the scene. He noticed Spike messing up many a demon, and he looked as though he was enjoying himself. 'Must've found out about Buffy,' he thought. Spike looked at Xander and stopped for a second. Xander shrugged, grabbed a whiskey bottle, and hit the nearest demon on the head. "Take that!" Xander yelled triumphantly and wackiness ensued.
Part II
Willow sighed as she headed towards the Magic Shoppe. Tara had left to go study abroad.in L.A. of all places. Who studies abroad in L.A. anyway? She sighed again. This was not easy for her at all. She walked into the shop and began "borrowing" magic supplies. She turned when she heard a commotion in the back.
"Anya? Xander? What is going on?" She walked to the back only to see Giles throwing books at Anya while Anya alternated between throwing them back and trying to stifle her sobs. "Oh my gosh! Giles! What are you doing to Anya?" Giles stopped throwing books and looked at Willow with a look that can only be described as.crazed.in his eyes. Willow summed it up rather quickly. "Giles, you're possessed!" She used her magic to throw Giles into the cage, and then locked him in there.
"Willow! Let me out of here! I am not possessed!" Willow looked at Anya questioningly. Anya looked at Giles and then back at Willow. "Willow, I'm not joking! Let me out! This is all HER fault!"
"Anya, is he possessed or did I miss something?"
Anya bit her lip, then fessed up. She mumbled, "No he isn't possessed. Let him out."
Willow unlocked the cage and let him out. "Someone please tell me, what is going on?" Anya looked around the room. Willow stared at Anya. Anya got annoyed and finally told Willow the truth.
"Well, how can I put this? I.kissed.Giles? He kissed me back though! Didn't you Giles?"
Willow's mouth dropped open in surprise. "You kissed Giles? What? How did you get from kissing to fighting then.oh boy!"
"Well, we were fighting and it just kinda happened. Xander wasn't too happy when he walked in and saw what was happening. He ran out and I don't know where he went."
"Xander saw what happened?!?!?!?!?!?!?! How could you do this to Xander? He loves you so much! What is wrong with you Anya?" Willow was fuming. Xander was her best friend and had been so for a very long time. She looked at Anya, then at Giles, then back at Anya. "I better go find him!" She ran out of the store, leaving Anya and Giles to their own problems.
Part III
Wreckage. Complete and total carnage. Broken tables, chairs, shattered bottles, peanut shells, body parts all over the place. Demons unconscious, dead, and dismembered strewn all over the floor. In the middle of all this chaos, Spike and Xander, both a little worse for wear, were slumped back-to- back on the floor.
Xander sighed. "So, it's been a good day for you too?"
"Why can't you bloody Scoobies leave well enough alone?" Spike tossed a random peanut shell across the room.
"Hey, I tried, but I am everybody's butt monkey after all."
After a moment of silence Spike turned slightly towards Xander. "What the hell are you doing here anyway? Isn't it time for your mid-afternoon shag with your demon gal?"
"Apparently I wasn't invited today." Xander put on his finest British accent. "Her taste has run to the other side of the pond."
"What are you talking about?" He spots a hand moving on its own and kills it with a whiskey bottle. "I've been killing demons all afternoon."
"Not you, fangless! Giles!"
"Oh, really? I knew ol' Ripper had it in him."
"If I wasn't so depressed, I'd think of some witty comeback."
Silence. The ceiling fan above continued to whir. Some demon's dismembered arm had managed to get stuck up there. Xander sniffled. Spike coughed then spoke. "So, this is really upsetting to you, isn't it?" Silence. "Bloody hell!" He gets a cigarette out and lights it "What is it with women? I remember catching Dru with that nasty Chaos Demon. Then of course, there was Angelus who she loved so very much."
Xander thought for a moment. "I wonder what Dead Boy is up to right now."
"Knowing him, the bloody pillock is probably hugging babies and saving the world once again while pre-pubescent girls swoon over the Mighty Poofter."
Xander chuckled. Spike laughed. Xander and Spike laughed heartily, holding their sides in pain, for about five minutes. Laughter soon turned to sobs however, and the two men cried for awhile.
Xander sniffled. "Those poor demons."
"What?!?" Spike reached his hand behind him and felt Xander's forehead. "It feels like a human. Smells like a human." He sniffs. "Xander, has anyone ever spoken to you about the wonderful uses of soap and deodorant?"
The arm fell from the fan with a thud. Spike and Xander stared at it for a moment.
Xander sighed. "Anya used to constantly tell me about her demon days. Stupid demons."
Spike shuddered.
Xander continues. "Demons piss me off. So do women. Women are demons."
"You're just now figuring that out, mate?"
Xander waves him off and plunges on forward. "No, I think I'm on to something here! Look at the women in Sunnydale! The Hellmouth is a convergence point for crazy, man-hating females. No man or demon is safe from their wrath. They come in with their short skirts and perfect hair and turn us into whipped little sissy boys. None of us are safe! Their goal in life is to turn us into brooding, hair gel using pansies!"
Spike touches his hair and a look of horror crosses his face. "I must be drunker than I thought. You're making sense."
"We have to do something, Spike! We have to take our manhood back!"
"I think you're right, mate."
"You know, it's all Dead Boy's fault. He came into town all dark and mysterious, with his annoying ability to attract every human within a fifty mile radius."
Spike imitates Angel. "I'm all caring and strong, yet sensitive to a woman's needs. I'm single, brooding, and available."
Xander takes over imitating Angel as well. "Feel free to cry on my shoulder, take off my shirt, bend me to your will, and don't worry about me trying to get into your pants because (gasp), I'm cursed and cannot." Xander stops and looks up. "How can I compete with that?" He sighs. "Man, I need a drink."
Spike picks up a broken bottle. "Too bad we've broken everything here. All this talk about the Poof has left a bad taste in my mouth."
"This is the only place in Sunnydale that doesn't card me. Where can we go?"
Spike smiled. "I've got an idea." He tossed his keys to Xander. "You drive."
"Slayer!" Spike awoke with a start. He blinked a few times, momentarily disoriented. "What was that all about?" he wondered aloud.
For the past one hundred forty seven days, his dream was a constant. Well, it was more of an unwanted memory that consistently replayed in his head while he dreamed, and it always ended the same way; Buffy's bruised and broken body sprawled lifelessly on the ground. The dream plagued his mind day and night, never allowing him a moment's peace. Only, this time, the dream had been different. So completely different, in fact, that Spike found himself climbing out of his bed. He grabbed his duster, and raced out the door of his crypt. He wasn't exactly sure himself why he was going there.
"It was just a dream you stupid git!" he yelled to no one in particular. Once he reached his destination, he slowed his pace down, narrowing his eyes and chiding himself for acting this way. A few feet ahead of him, it was in plain view.
Buffy Summers
1981-2001
Spike walked towards the grave nervously and looked down. "Bloody hell!" He dropped to his knees to get a closer look and mumbled a curse under his breath. It was empty. He stared with a wide-eyed look of amazement. Was his dream accurate? Was this really happening? "The Slayer is alive?!" He looked around the cemetery, trying to figure out what to do next. He began to head towards one direction, stopped himself, and ran to the one place he could think of. "Find the Nibblet," he said to himself.
Dawn picked up the telephone and dialed as quickly as she could. She twirled the phone cord around her finger anxiously while she waited. Too deep in thought, she jumped when she heard the voice on the other end. She took a deep breath.
"Giles? It's Dawn."
Pause.
"Oh, I - I'm fine. Well, ok, maybe not fine. More like.uh, confused."
Pause.
She took another deep breath and finally managed to get out what she was trying to say. "Buffy's.alive!" Ok, so maybe that wasn't quite the way she wanted to tell Giles, but she forgot what she had rehearsed with herself for the past half hour.
Pause.
"I'm pretty sure she's alive. I don't think she's of the undead cuz she didn't seem interested in drinking blood or tearing my head off or anything."
Pause.
"Oh! She's upstairs right now."
Pause. She bit her lip as her eyes kept steering in the direction of the stairs. She heard a thump on the other end of the phone.
"Giles?"
Silence.
"Hello? Giles, ya still there?"
Pause.
"Oh, you, heh, dropped the phone. I get it. I was kinda worried."
Pause.
"Yes, I'm quite sure she's alive, Giles!"
Pause.
"Well, she's a bit out of it right now, but she seems to be doing fine.I guess."
Pause.
"Giles, I think she needs you right now. Actually, I would feel better if you were here too. It's just that I don't know why she is back and I."
Pause.
"Oh. So you're coming? Thank you, Giles. This really means a lot."
Pause.
"Ok. I'll see you then. Bye."
Dawn hung up the phone. She looked up and frowned. "I really hope you're ok, Buffy," she whispered to herself.
Unknown to her, Spike had heard the entire conversation. The vampire angrily stomped away from the house, and headed back towards his crypt.
After what seemed like endless hours, Giles landed safely in Sunnydale. He stood up and stretched his legs. The flight itself had been incredibly boring, doing nothing to ease the feeling in the pit of his stomach. No matter what he did, time seemed to run incredibly slow.
The movie they showed caused Giles to shake his head several times in disgust. Oh, what was it called? Some blonde girl, Kristy Swanson is what the credits said, beat up numerous bad guys with funny shaped ears and pointy teeth. He hadn't paid too close attention because it had just seemed all too childish.
He attempted to sleep, but the kid behind him would not shut up. He shuddered. "Are we there yet, mum?" Too bad the kid wasn't a vampire because he would have been dust after the 15th time he asked the question. He walked off the airplane, got all his baggage, and walked out of the airport.
"Back in good ole Sunnydale already," he said to himself. "Amazing, still looks the same it did when I left," he glanced at his watch, "not too long ago." He sighed which was followed by an abrupt yawn. He needed sleep, but he needed to ask some questions first. If Dawn was telling the truth, he wanted to get to the bottom of it since she didn't seem to know what was going on either.
"Well, Ripper," he said to himself, "time to find out what is happening. This is the Hellmouth though." He hailed a taxi, and told the driver where to take him.
Anya smiled. She felt great. She had the shop to herself now. She turned her head when she heard the Magic Shoppe door suddenly open, but didn't see who came in since she was in the back. She just assumed it was Xander.
"Hey Xander! Wanna play with the money? Look-----what are YOU doing here?!?!?!" She glared and put her hands on her hips.
Giles took off his glasses and rubbed them. "Well, I g-got a call from Dawn, and she asked me to come right back."
"Well, everything is JUST FINE here! So you can go back to where you came from. Besides, I own it now! Why are you here anyway? Why did Dawn call you? Did she tell you I was doing a bad job with the shop? I'll just have you know that things are going fine!"
"That's wonderful to know." Giles looked around the shop, then directly at Anya. "Buffy is alive. And for some reason, I bet you a-already knew that."
Anya fidgeted for a moment "Don't start with me! I knew you did not trust me to run this shop! You didn't want to give it to me to begin with, did you?"
"Anya." She cut him off. He sighed, then rolled his eyes, too tired from the trip back to really argue.
"Don't get an attitude with me mister! Get out! This is my store now! You gave it to me. Remember? So don't even try to take it back!"
"I'm not trying to!" Giles yelled back at her.
A surprised Anya gasped, then took a step back before replying. "Then why are YOU here?
Giles grabbed Anya's shoulders and shook her. "What on earth is going on around here? Why did I get a call from Dawn saying Buffy was alive? What did you do after I left?" He was noticeably shaken up.
"We just.we just.dammit Giles! Don't get all upset. We.."
"Do you know what you have done.could have possibly started? Did you even think about what could happen?"
Anya shrugged Giles' hands off her shoulders. She looked at him and narrowed her eyes. She walked closer to him, till she was standing nose to nose with him. She attempted to glare menacingly, but for some reason she smiled instead. Then she pounced. Before Giles knew what was going on, Anya had him up against a bookshelf, kissing him like he had never seen her kiss Xander before. 'Life on the Hellmouth gets even weirder after I return,' he thought to himself.
Spike paced back and forth in his crypt. He was restless. Hell, he was mad. Before he knew it, he was heading towards the popular Demon Bar. He was about to have a little fun.
Xander opened the door to the Magic Shop, whistling a jaunty tune. He looked around, but did not see Anya anywhere. "Ahn?" He heard a noise in the back. "Anya?" He slowly walked towards the direction the noise was coming from. He gasped when he saw what was causing the commotion. "Oh my god! Anya?!?"
Anya's head whipped around. She covered her mouth with her hand. Giles pushed Anya off him in a hurry.
"Anya, what is going on?" Xander looked at her. He wasn't sure if this was some kind of joke. Maybe her inner vengeance demon was back. Maybe she was getting revenge on him for something he did. 'Did she want that last donut I ate?' he thought angrily.
"Oh my gosh! Xander!" She ran to him to try to explain.
Xander held out his hand to stop her. "Don't come any closer." He sighed, then frowned. He finally looked up at Anya again and blinked several times. "I really was in love with you, Anya." He sighed again. "You.you were my reason for being. I would die for you. I was so happy that I had found you." He began mumbling to more to himself than to Anya. "You weren't a praying mantis or a mummy." He chuckled. "Granted, you are a former demon, but at least you are human now. Every human is entitled to make mistakes, I guess. I just wish I had seen this coming. I should have known. You and Giles fight all the time." He shook his head. "I wish I could figure out what was wrong with me. I should have known that this was never meant to happen between us. Buffy rejected me, I didn't tell Willow my feelings in time, and there are all those other times women tried to kill me. Willow once told me I was doomed. I thought you would have been different, Anya. I really need to get off the Hellmouth. Do I have a sign on my forehead that says 'Loser' or am I destined to be 'Xander Harris: Bachelor for Life?' I think it must be bad karma or something." He was rambling now.
"Xander, it wasn't anything you did. I never---"
"I'm not finished yet! No, wait. I am finished. I can't take this anymore. I have to go." He quickly turned around and ran out of the shop. Anya looked at Giles who is still in total shock. She looked back toward the front, then back at Giles again. "Do you think he was really really mad at me.or just a little mad?" She pouted. "I just did something wrong. I guess this means no more sex from Xander, right?"
Giles just stared at Anya and shook his head.
"Hello all! Anyone up for a little.fun?" Spike smiled, changed to his game face, and proceeded to kick some demon ass.
No sooner did Xander open the door when he found himself suddenly ducking out of the way of an oncoming chair. After the initial shock, he surveyed the area, and took in the scene. He noticed Spike messing up many a demon, and he looked as though he was enjoying himself. 'Must've found out about Buffy,' he thought. Spike looked at Xander and stopped for a second. Xander shrugged, grabbed a whiskey bottle, and hit the nearest demon on the head. "Take that!" Xander yelled triumphantly and wackiness ensued.
Part II
Willow sighed as she headed towards the Magic Shoppe. Tara had left to go study abroad.in L.A. of all places. Who studies abroad in L.A. anyway? She sighed again. This was not easy for her at all. She walked into the shop and began "borrowing" magic supplies. She turned when she heard a commotion in the back.
"Anya? Xander? What is going on?" She walked to the back only to see Giles throwing books at Anya while Anya alternated between throwing them back and trying to stifle her sobs. "Oh my gosh! Giles! What are you doing to Anya?" Giles stopped throwing books and looked at Willow with a look that can only be described as.crazed.in his eyes. Willow summed it up rather quickly. "Giles, you're possessed!" She used her magic to throw Giles into the cage, and then locked him in there.
"Willow! Let me out of here! I am not possessed!" Willow looked at Anya questioningly. Anya looked at Giles and then back at Willow. "Willow, I'm not joking! Let me out! This is all HER fault!"
"Anya, is he possessed or did I miss something?"
Anya bit her lip, then fessed up. She mumbled, "No he isn't possessed. Let him out."
Willow unlocked the cage and let him out. "Someone please tell me, what is going on?" Anya looked around the room. Willow stared at Anya. Anya got annoyed and finally told Willow the truth.
"Well, how can I put this? I.kissed.Giles? He kissed me back though! Didn't you Giles?"
Willow's mouth dropped open in surprise. "You kissed Giles? What? How did you get from kissing to fighting then.oh boy!"
"Well, we were fighting and it just kinda happened. Xander wasn't too happy when he walked in and saw what was happening. He ran out and I don't know where he went."
"Xander saw what happened?!?!?!?!?!?!?! How could you do this to Xander? He loves you so much! What is wrong with you Anya?" Willow was fuming. Xander was her best friend and had been so for a very long time. She looked at Anya, then at Giles, then back at Anya. "I better go find him!" She ran out of the store, leaving Anya and Giles to their own problems.
Part III
Wreckage. Complete and total carnage. Broken tables, chairs, shattered bottles, peanut shells, body parts all over the place. Demons unconscious, dead, and dismembered strewn all over the floor. In the middle of all this chaos, Spike and Xander, both a little worse for wear, were slumped back-to- back on the floor.
Xander sighed. "So, it's been a good day for you too?"
"Why can't you bloody Scoobies leave well enough alone?" Spike tossed a random peanut shell across the room.
"Hey, I tried, but I am everybody's butt monkey after all."
After a moment of silence Spike turned slightly towards Xander. "What the hell are you doing here anyway? Isn't it time for your mid-afternoon shag with your demon gal?"
"Apparently I wasn't invited today." Xander put on his finest British accent. "Her taste has run to the other side of the pond."
"What are you talking about?" He spots a hand moving on its own and kills it with a whiskey bottle. "I've been killing demons all afternoon."
"Not you, fangless! Giles!"
"Oh, really? I knew ol' Ripper had it in him."
"If I wasn't so depressed, I'd think of some witty comeback."
Silence. The ceiling fan above continued to whir. Some demon's dismembered arm had managed to get stuck up there. Xander sniffled. Spike coughed then spoke. "So, this is really upsetting to you, isn't it?" Silence. "Bloody hell!" He gets a cigarette out and lights it "What is it with women? I remember catching Dru with that nasty Chaos Demon. Then of course, there was Angelus who she loved so very much."
Xander thought for a moment. "I wonder what Dead Boy is up to right now."
"Knowing him, the bloody pillock is probably hugging babies and saving the world once again while pre-pubescent girls swoon over the Mighty Poofter."
Xander chuckled. Spike laughed. Xander and Spike laughed heartily, holding their sides in pain, for about five minutes. Laughter soon turned to sobs however, and the two men cried for awhile.
Xander sniffled. "Those poor demons."
"What?!?" Spike reached his hand behind him and felt Xander's forehead. "It feels like a human. Smells like a human." He sniffs. "Xander, has anyone ever spoken to you about the wonderful uses of soap and deodorant?"
The arm fell from the fan with a thud. Spike and Xander stared at it for a moment.
Xander sighed. "Anya used to constantly tell me about her demon days. Stupid demons."
Spike shuddered.
Xander continues. "Demons piss me off. So do women. Women are demons."
"You're just now figuring that out, mate?"
Xander waves him off and plunges on forward. "No, I think I'm on to something here! Look at the women in Sunnydale! The Hellmouth is a convergence point for crazy, man-hating females. No man or demon is safe from their wrath. They come in with their short skirts and perfect hair and turn us into whipped little sissy boys. None of us are safe! Their goal in life is to turn us into brooding, hair gel using pansies!"
Spike touches his hair and a look of horror crosses his face. "I must be drunker than I thought. You're making sense."
"We have to do something, Spike! We have to take our manhood back!"
"I think you're right, mate."
"You know, it's all Dead Boy's fault. He came into town all dark and mysterious, with his annoying ability to attract every human within a fifty mile radius."
Spike imitates Angel. "I'm all caring and strong, yet sensitive to a woman's needs. I'm single, brooding, and available."
Xander takes over imitating Angel as well. "Feel free to cry on my shoulder, take off my shirt, bend me to your will, and don't worry about me trying to get into your pants because (gasp), I'm cursed and cannot." Xander stops and looks up. "How can I compete with that?" He sighs. "Man, I need a drink."
Spike picks up a broken bottle. "Too bad we've broken everything here. All this talk about the Poof has left a bad taste in my mouth."
"This is the only place in Sunnydale that doesn't card me. Where can we go?"
Spike smiled. "I've got an idea." He tossed his keys to Xander. "You drive."