Chapter 2: Something More
(Thanks to unsigned reader DMK (I am so glad you like it so far! It will move slowly, as is necessary, considering Byakuya's injuries))
(Wrote this chapter while listening to "Something More" by Secondhand Serenade. Then had to turn it off because it got to feeling a little too real. I have a very vivid imagination and it made me feel like I was sitting in that hospital room. But I still went back and listened again while editing. Quite poignant and sweet. You should give the song a spin while reading, but...bring tissues and dark chocolate.)
Breathe in...
Breathe out...
Breathe in...
Breathe out...
It is ironic, isn't it? That breathing is the most basic underpinning of our strength. And the last bit of our strength to leave us...is our breath. Without breath, mind, heart and body collapse completely.
Breathe in...
Breathe out...
And we die.
Is this really all that is left of me? Just an endless stream of inhales and exhales? Why am I still breathing? All of my strength is gone. Everything that went with that strength...status, honor, position and pride...all came apart when my knees became too weak for me to stand anymore. I didn't even feel myself fall. The last thing that registered was that Senbonzakura shattered completely.
Breathe in...
Breathe out...
I know that I was supposed to die then. I sensed it approaching and prepared myself, making sure that the things that mattered were set in hands that could protect them much better than I could. And even though I felt the healers' touches, I didn't believe for a moment that they could save me. I was too far gone and had accepted that death was inescapable. And when my body refused to die, my mind tried to leave anyway. I was disappearing into the abyss...nearly gone when I felt that crimson presence...
Renji...
... sensed his step, even though I couldn't hear it, saw his stark colors even though I knew my eyes were closed, felt his touch on my sword hand, though it shouldn't have registered. And how is it that I can hear that he is crying?
Breathe in...
Breathe out...
Why is he crying?
I have never actually heard Renji cry before.
Renji...stop.
We should not shed tears. That is the surrender of the body to the heart. It is only a sign that we are beings that do not know what to do with our hearts.
That is what I was told.
That was a long time ago.
My grandfather said those words to me after my father died. And he was right. All of this time I have tried to control it. With a disciplined, determined mind and a powerful body, I could control my heart.
Breathe in...
Breathe out...
But...a disciplined mind is meaningless when the body is too weak to act according to one's will. My mind is useless and my body is broken now. All that remains are heart and breath.
Why can't they just stop?
It is that stupid, rebellious heart that beats in my chest, ne? It has been undoing everything since it started to beat and my voice first sounded. Why is it still so strong when everything else has broken down? I thought that when it was corrupted with fear by my enemy, then impaled, that was enough to stop it. And if it wasn't, three times, my own power sliced through me to finish it off.
But it is still there, beating fiercely, rebellious and stubborn as always. But it has always been like that...shoved down beneath mind and body, while they were strong. No one could penetrate the exterior defenses, and no one knew it still existed...no one...until...
Renji...
That is it, isn't it? Where I was calm on the surface and roiling underneath, this man was my polar opposite. Fiery on the surface, but so warm and loving inside. But as much as Renji has a warm and loving heart, he never wasted it on me. He only ever wanted to surpass me.
So, why is he crying?
It should be easy for him now. I am not going to recover. He can step seamlessly into my place and go on. It isn't as it was with Soutaichou and Sasakibe fukutaichou. Renji never felt that kind of loyalty for me. And I never did anything to earn it.
Except that in the last two years, those words became a lie. We started to change. And for a time, I thought that maybe...maybe we could be like that. And who knows, maybe we would have been. I am not sure.
Breathe in...
Breathe out...
But one thing still confuses me.
Why did he offer to step in during my battle? Renji wouldn't have dared to insult me like that before. He had to know it was akin to accusing me of being too weak to do what needed to be done. Never mind the fact that he was right about that. Stripped of my bankai and already cut by the enemy, I was going to be defeated. I knew that. But strategically, it still made sense for me to attack, because Renji could watch, and he could escape afterward to take what he learned back with him, so that countermeasures could be developed. That's what I was thinking when I ordered him to stay back.
I should have known that he didn't have the patience to do that.
No.
It wasn't impatience that I saw at that last moment.
Oh gods...it was loyalty.
Am I still breathing?
I may have accepted that I was going to die, but he did not. And when he saw it happening, he couldn't hold back that fire, that willingness to sacrifice himself to save someone he cared about. I just didn't know that he cared about me like that. That came as a surprise.
I shouldn't have been able to get up, but...as much as I could stomach dying, myself, I couldn't let him die like that. I made peace with what happened as a result. I only held on long enough to make sure that he and Rukia hadn't been killed. Then, I let go of everything.
But fate just laughed in my face. Because although I could relax and let go, and I could fall to the edges of life, I do not control the heart that beats in my chest and I do not control the breath that passes in and out of me.
So...fate is not finished with me, yet.
Fine.
I will keep breathing then.
But why?
What good am I to anyone, when all I can do is breathe?
There must be something more than this.
Did he just kiss my fingertips?
It hurts to breathe. I suppose that means I really am going to live.
Fine then, I'll live.
But I'll be damned if I am going to do that lying here and breathing. If it is the last thing I do, I am going to wake up and get out of this horrible place.
What is that?
He is...holding my hand to his heart? I can feel his heart beating, and his breath on my fingertips.
That is...exquisite.
We are...breathing together.
XXXXXXXXXX
Still in the midst of his own recovery, Renji felt exhaustion setting in, but was too damned stubborn to make himself leave Byakuya's side. Instead, he merely leaned forward and rested his head on a spare edge of the noble's pillow, Byakuya's hand still pressed to his chest.
He was asleep and dreaming in moments...walking aimlessly somewhere in a sakura filled garden that he had never seen before. Rain came down all around him, making the cherry blossoms fall away from the branches and drop heavily to the wet earth. Slowly, the trees were left stark and bare...lifeless. Amongst the trees, stood what he at first thought to be a girl.
The long black hair, pulled back into a high ponytail, wet wisps of misbehaving strands about a lovely pale face. And pretty gray eyes that reminded him...
Wait!
That is...
The boy stepped forward and Renji could see that he held one hand tightly to his chest, over his heart. Underneath his palm, pink light flared, lighting the boy's too pretty face and underscoring the discomfited look he wore.
"Senbonzakura," he whispered, his voice just barely audible above the storm.
He looked more closely at Renji and caught his breath in surprise.
"You!" he gasped, "You're not...!"
"No," Renji said, shaking his head.
"Who...are you?"
Renji smiled sadly.
"A friend."
The boy's eyes narrowed instantly.
"A friend?" he repeated, "Then, why don't I know you?"
"I don't know," said the redhead, "but you should. Anyway, forget that for a moment. Why don't you tell me what's wrong with your chest? Looks like you're hurt. Let me help you."
The boy looked down at his hand, then slowly pulled it away. Renji tried not to react, but couldn't quite stifle a sound of surprise at the gaping hole he revealed. Pink light flickered all around the area, leaking out of him and running down his wet clothes. And for some strange reason, Renji had the horrible feeling of watching someone bleed to death before his eyes.
He stepped forward, extending a hand and found it captured in a softer, smaller one and brought to that surprisingly warm. pale breast. Renji froze, staring into the dark, desperate eyes, unable to move or speak.
"You must promise me something," the boy said softly.
"What?"
"If I live, you must help me to find him and bring us back together. And if I die, you must make it your task to find Senbonzakura...and destroy him. Don't let him be used to..."
The boy stopped and took a pained breath.
"Don't let him be used to kill anyone else. Especially not her. He knows about her now. If he sees her, he will enjoy using Sen to hurt her. Do not let that happen."
"I won't," Renji promised, "but..."
His words were stopped as the boy's eyes widened suddenly, and his legs gave way beneath him. Renji caught him up and sat down with his back against one of the naked trees, holding the boy against him and wrapping the edges of his cloak around him to keep him warm.
"You're going to be okay," he told the boy, "You have my word."
"It doesn't matter now," the boy said, shaking his head and blinking slowly, "I have your promise that Sen will be taken care of, whatever happens. Arigatou, friend. Just leave me here now and go back."
"What? Are you shitting me? I'm not leaving you here," Renji objected, "This place is falling apart! You need to come back and fight so that it will stabilize. If you stay here too long, this place will wash away."
"What do you mean?"
"You're his fighting spirit, ne?" Renji asked, "You're what kept him alive when he should have died. You have to come with me."
"But I cannot leave," argued the boy, "Can't you see that I'm...?"
He sucked in a surprised breath and looked at where the hole had been in his chest.
"Will you look at that..." Renji mused.
"How did you do that?" the boy demanded, "Tell me how you did that! I was dying. I know that I was. What did you do to me?"
Renji gazed into his eyes, but couldn't think of an answer. The boy's eyes darkened as he considered, then a moment later, rounded cutely.
"What?" Renji asked, unable to hold back an affectionate smile, "Did something happen?"
"It is gone," the boy answered wonderingly.
"What? The hole?"
"Yes, that...but...the fear!"
"You were afraid?"
"Yes. A blinding golden light struck this place, and suddenly I felt fear that pierced right through me and caused that wound you saw. It was just after Senbonzakura disappeared. I tried to search for him, but he was gone, and the one who sent the light said that he wasn't coming back. He made Sen hurt me until I couldn't move anymore, then he left me to die here. I was frozen with that fear even after he left. But then, you came and it left me. Why is that? Who are you?"
"I told you," said Renji, smiling at him, "I am a friend. And we're going back now. It's safe now. He's going to need you if he's ever going to wake up. I get that now."
"What are you doing?" the boy yelled, "Where are you taking me? Put me down, you imbecile! I didn't say that I wanted to..."
Renji laughed and held the boy tighter as the ground opened up beneath the two of them and they began to fall together.
"You are going to pay for that!" the boy snapped, spitefully, "NOBODY TELLS ME WHAT TO DO! NOBODY!"
Huh...I know that Ukitake taichou and Kyouraku taichou said that he used to be a complete brat. But I just couldn't see that until now.
Damn, that's just cute!
He thought it was even cuter how tightly the kid clung and closed his eyes as they crashed back down into their bodies.
XXXXXXXXXX
Renji opened his eyes and blinked groggily. He lifted his head off of the edge of Byakuya's pillow and looked closely at the noble to see if it was even remotely possible that the dream he had just had was in some way real. Disappointment flooded his body as he read his taichou's condition as seeming pretty much the same. He ran his hands over his face and started to get up, but sat down again as Unohana taichou came into the room.
"Good morning, Abarai fukutaichou," she said, smiling, "I see that you finally got a little bit of sleep."
"Yeah, some," Renji said, yawning.
He watched as she took Byakuya's vital signs and examined him for several minutes, making notes into his chart. He ached all over to ask questions, but found he didn't need to.
"He is making progress," the healer said bracingly.
"Really?" Renji said, wondering if she was just bullshitting him to keep him calm, "Because to me, he looks the same. He's still out...not responding to anything."
"Ah...but something is quite different, Abarai-san, though it is a subtle thing. You see, when Kuchiki taichou was found, he tried to refuse treatment."
"He was conscious?" Renji asked, looking shocked.
"For a short time," Unohana answered, "Until we rendered him unconscious for his own good."
"What?"
"His zanpakutou had shattered, and he was quite insistent that we just let him die. As you are aware, we aren't in the habit of allowing our patients to die, so we rendered him unconscious and healed him to the best of our ability. But all along, he has fought the will of the healers. It slowed his healing greatly, but he still managed to cling to life, despite himself. But...when I just examined him and gave him an infusion of healing reiatsu, his systems worked with the healing, not against it. So, the change, while emotional, is a change for the better."
She shook her head at Renji's downcast expression.
"Abarai-san, this is a major development. And it is likely that your presence is what made the difference. Is that not a good thing? Why do you look so unhappy?"
"Well, I thought that by major development, it meant that he would wake up, you know? He's still in a coma, ne?"
"Yes," confirmed the healer, "And I cannot tell you whether or not he will wake. However, with this change, he has much more working in his favor. You must trust in that. And...I think you should visit him often. Talk to him. Try playing familiar music or stirring his memories in some way. All of this will help to anchor him."
"Okay," said the redhead, standing, "Whatever I need to do."
"Where are you going, Abarai-san? I was going to examine you next."
"Oh, you said music. I was thinking of going to get my guitar."
Unohana smiled.
"Where was it stored?" she asked, "In your flattened apartment building? Or perhaps, the leveled sixth division building?"
"Shit," muttered Renji.
"Not to worry," laughed the healer, "I think that we can find one for you. But first, let me have a look at you."
"Oh, I'm fine," Renji said, sitting back down, "Don't worry about..."
He froze as her eyes seemed to pierce right through him, without even losing their friendly expression.
Damn, that woman is scary!
"Sit still, Abarai-san. I will find that guitar for you after a short examination."
"Uh...ah...okay," the redhead said weakly, "J-just, no needles, okay? I freaking hate needles."
"Oh, I don't think we need any of those this time," she assured him, "but I won't make any promises for later."
"G-great..." Renji groaned helplessly.