A/N – Finally! I thought I'll never finish this, but I guess this is what happens when you write two lines a day on the bright side – it came out pretty long in the end.
Anyhow – read, review, whatever.
Things settled back to normal. They never spoke about the kiss again, as if it never happened. Only Alicia knew it did, and she could not get it off her mind, she tried to act as usual, but it was hard.
It was hard to see Kalinda every day, to work with her shoulder to shoulder, to go out for drinks and all the while have this image burned in her head. But it would be harder to distant herself from Kalinda, and that she knew from experience.
so she comes to the office every morning, smiles at Kalinda, tries to hide her feelings, to keep a straight face when Kalinda's hand accidently brushes her arm, to not be so obvious when she stares at her from the other side of the conference room.
Sometimes she thinks she's successful at this, that no one, not even Kalinda (especially not Kalinda) notices her glances, or her day dreams or how her breath is taken away just a little bit every time Kalinda enters a room. Other times she convinced that Kalinda just knows; when she smirks at her in the middle of a stuff meeting, having caught her stare. When she locks eyes with her, from half a firm away, through all the glass and over the heads of people, in the middle of a particularly delicious daydream, as if she can feel she is thinking about her. And on rare days she thinks that Kalinda shares her feelings, when she is the one to catch Kalinda stare, when she looks into her eyes and sees something indistinct there, affection maybe, or even longing? But it is so swift she can't really decipher it. So she dismisses it as nothing of matters, just her mind playing tricks on her. Because, if Kalinda really does feel like this, why did she tell her to forget … why doesn't she do anything?
They go out almost every week, and they made it a custom to go to a new place once in a while (it's almost like they're dating, only it isn't). Alicia enjoys these time, when she has Kalinda all to herself, she can talk about whatever it is that bothers her and Kalinda will listen, focus solely on her. She isn't talking about herself, of course, but she makes Alicia laugh; with her observations and her taunts, and she is so stunningly beautiful, it makes Alicia want to cry.
And then there are the times when someone tries to hit on Kalinda (and they are much too frequent to Alicia's liking). Someone would approach them, ignoring the daggers in Alicia's eyes and ask Kalinda whether she likes him to buy her a drink, or maybe meet him sometimes. Kalinda doesn't deserts her, never, even when Alicia encourages her to do so ("don't be stupid, I'm here with you", she always scolds her with a smile), she fends them gently (or not) and tends back to Alicia. Even so, Alicia can't help but wonder if Kalinda wouldn't rather be with them. If she only stays out of politeness, or some sort of obligation.
She tries not to be too disappointed on the nights kalinda refuses her offers for drinks, having other plans. Tries not to think what those other plans might be, and with whom Kalinda's going to spend the night. (Tries not to think about all the other possibilities Kalinda has, about the cute guy that approached her last night)
She knows she should not be jealous, she has no right to be; it is not as if Kalinda is hers. She hates herself for being like this, for not being able being truly happy for Kalinda, like a real friend should, as Kalinda is for her. She knows it's unfair, unfair to her, unfair to Kalinda, and she knows she got to stop it. She got to stop acting like a teenager with a crash, and she has to get out of fantasyland.
They are sitting on their regular bar, neither of them felt like going to a new place tonight (Alicia wants the familiarity, she doesn't know what Kalinda's motives are, she never knows. Even now, after so much time, there so much she doesn't know about her best friend, but that just makes her more alluring).
Kalinda is scanning the bar, as always, Alicia often wanders whether she can lay aside her investigator's mode for a moment or she just views the world as a puzzle she has to solve continuously.
While Kalinda is busy mapping every corner of her surrounding, Alicia's signaling the bartender for two shots of tequila. As soon as the shots arrive Kalinda hands her one and raises a brow, if it is in challenge or appreciation, Alicia can't be sure. But she takes the shot glass off Kalinda's hand and downs the drink in one gulp, giving Kalinda her own arched eyebrow look. Kalinda just laugh and mimics her actions: "you're getting good at this; I remember times when you couldn't take a shot without looking like you're going to puke afterwards".
"Well, you know what they say, practice makes perfect", she joins Kalinda's laugh.
"Indeed", she nods, "so, how was your day?"
"fine", Alicia brushes her hair behind her ear, "I… umm, met someone today", when Kalinda doesn't respond she continues, "he asked me out" , that got Kalinda's attention, and Alicia can't help but hope it's because Kalinda is just a little bit jealous , she's searches for the bartender now, her eyes are everywhere but on Alicia when she finishes with: "I told him yes, we have a date tomorrow night".
Kalinda stops her search at that and says neutrally "Good, it's good for you, you need to date, to leave the divorce behind you". So no luck with the jealousy bit here. Kalinda grabs her jacket, starts to put it on.
"Going somewhere?", Alicia asks.
"Yeah, I'm sorry, I've just remembered that I have to finish something in the office", and she leaves in a hurry.
"Weird", Alicia thinks, but she pays the bill and turns to leave herself.
Two days later Alicia is busy with trial preparations when Kalinda knocks slightly on her door to announce her present and lets herself in.
"Hi", she says.
"Hey"
"Sorry I bailed out on you the other night.", she looks down and Alicia can almost believe she's embarrassed.
"It's ok, I was tired anyway", she assures her.
"So, how was the big date?", she asks with a big smile on her face, which makes Alicia thinks that the jealousy route definitely didn't work, still it doesn't stop her from trying yet again to fish some response from Kalinda.
"It was great actually, I had lots of fun. You were right, I do need to start over. We meet again tomorrow", she finishes and looks intently at Kalinda, not to miss any slight reaction.
But Kalinda doesn't stir "And what's the lucky guy's name?"
"Tom, he's a hotel's manager"
"Hmm".
Alicia eyes her suspiciously "What that supposed to mean?".
"Nothing, anyway, here are the files you needed on the Shepherd case, and I'm on my way to question a potential witness in the Gordon case", she puts the files on Alicia's desk and gets up to leave.
But Alicia stops her just before she's out of the office "Kalinda?"
She turns. "Don't go out and search on him", Alicia warns.
"Wouldn't even dream about it", and she says it in such tone that Alicia is sure that it is exactly what she is going to do.
Things are going well with Tom, he is kind and smart and makes her laugh, and he can even make her forget Kalinda for a while (maybe forget is a little strong, more like push her to the back of her mind). They have been dating for two and a half months and he even met Owen (who, of course, didn't like him, but she is used to that by now). They've been talking about meeting the kids, but Alicia isn't ready for this kind of commitment yet, and he didn't push, which made Alicia like him even more. But here lies the problem, she only just likes him, she doesn't love him, her heart is still in the possession of someone else, someone who clearly doesn't want it.
She and Kalinda maintain their weekly night out, they talk about Tom freely, even though it feels weird, but she needs someone to process with. Kalinda doesn't like him either, though she never gives a reason, but she's happy that he treats her well. (but when she met him she first threatened that if he ever causes the cancelation of their drinking nights she'll hit him with her baseball bat, and if he ever hurts Alicia she will kill him. She looked so dead serious saying it that Alicia really Believed she will, even though she laughed at the end of it, shook Tom's hand and added a polite "nice to meet you").
Owen is in her office now, sprawl on the couch, he said he missed his big sis so he had to stop by, and now he's blabbering about something and she can't possibly work.
"Owen!" , she shouts.
"Ow, What? I'm right here you know." He rubs his ear.
"I need to work", she explains.
"Work away, I don't mind", He does a hand gesture to let her know she may continue.
She rolls her eyes and intends to answer him when her phone rings, she looks on the caller id, sees it's Tom and puts it back aside.
"Aren't you gonna answer it?", he asks.
"Obviously not, since I just put it down".
"Who was it?", he pries.
"It was just Tom, I'll call him latter", she learned long ago that sometimes it's best to just give Owen answers or he'll just keep going and she'll never see the end of it.
"oooww, troubles in paradise", he mocks.
She about to kick him out (or just kick him) when Kalinda shows on her doorstep, "Oh, Kalinda, hi, meet my brother Owen", her demeanor changes immediately and she can see Owen's look alternates between her and Kalinda.
Kalinda turn to him, "Hey" and then back to Alicia "I need to see you, as soon as possible", she again addresses Owen, "It was nice meeting you, we should do this again sometime" and she's gone.
Owen giggles, "Now, this one I like".
"Yeah", Alicia agrees.
Owen stops and looks at her and then at the door where Kalinda stood mere seconds ago "Oh, big sister, you are so smitten".
"I know", Alicia sighs exhaustedly.
Owen looks up at her "Wait, what? I thought you'd deny it, being so happy with what's his name".
Alicia smacks him, "his name is Tom and you are not helping. Is it that obvious?".
"Oh, no, no", Owen snorts, "Only if you have eyes".
"Still not helping", and she smacks him again.
"Ow, I don't think it's fair that you let your aggression out on me", he brings his arms up in attempt to defend himself. "Why aren't you doing something about it? And why are you still with what's his name".
Another smack. " I've tried, she isn't interested ".
"Oh, I don't know about that, sis, she seemed like she got it pretty hard herself".
Alicia can't deal with this now, and she promised Kalinda she'll be right over. "Whatever, we kissed and she told me to forget it, that's how hard she got it. now I have to go, don't mess up my office, and please don't be here when I come back, I really need to work. I'll call you".
Owen rubs his head because all the smacks Alicia gave him, but he waves his hand and says "love you sis, talk to her!".
Alicia is seriously contemplating the idea of going back and hit him again but decides it doesn't worth the effort and heads to Kalinda's.
If nothing else, at least the talk with Owen made her realize that she can't stay with Tom, it made her a little sad, but she knew it was the best for both of them, so she did it.
Now she's on her way to Kalinda's place, she's never been there before, but even though it wasn't the most meaningful relationship in her life, it still lasted almost three months and it is the first time she officially dated someone since Peter, so now that it's over she needs ice-cream and booze and her best friend.
She knocks on the door and hears muffled sounds and laughs from behind the door. That makes her hesitates, it is stupid - it's Friday night, Kalinda must have better things to do than to console her. She turns to leave but just then the door opens and kalinda's standing there, wearing shorts and tank top and Alicia's heart skip a beat.
"Alicia?", she asks, concerned "is everything ok?"
"Yean, umm, I… I just…I broke up with Tom" Alicia stutters.
From within the apartment comes a sound "Kalinda?", it's a woman's voice, and the owner of that voice soon follows, it's a gorgeous brunette, wearing almost nothing and Alicia needn't to be genius to figure out what's going on.
The brunette reaches them now, wraps her arms around Kalinda from behind and puts her head on her shoulder (Alicia wants to rip her apart for touching her Kalinda in ways she can just dream of, or maybe have the ground swallow her on the spot, in any case she needs to not be here, now, yesterday).
Then she opens her mouth and asks: "What's going on, are you coming back to bed?" and now Alicia can feel the tears start swelling in her eyes even when Kalinda angrily pulls out from the other woman's embrace and tells her in a voice cold as ice: "No, go back inside". But it's too late cause Alicia is already on her way to the stairs (she doesn't want to wait for the elevator).
"Alicia, wait!", Kalinda calls and goes after her.
"No, I… I should have called, I...I'll just go", she blurts out and runs away.
She's in her car crying, she doesn't even knows why, it not like she thought Kalinda doesn't sleep with anyone (though she preferred not to think about it at all) and she suspected that Kalinda was gay for a long while, it's just, actually seeing it is an entirely different thong. Besides, if she is with a woman, why not her?
But she cut her cry short and wipes her face. Scratch that ice cream, what she needs now is just booze, and lots of it.
She arrives at her usual bar (she was on automatic, she didn't even think where she was going) and orders double shot of tequila but before she gets her order she hears a familiar voice behind her.
"Thought I'll find you here". (Kalinda, of course. Maybe the usual bar wasn't the smartest choice)
"Go away" she pleads, she can't deal with Kalinda, not now, not when the memory is so vivid, not without letting all out.
"Alicia", Kalinda says softly, "what's wrong?"
(Alicia wants to scream: "What's wrong? What's wrong? What's wrong is that I'm totally in love with you, what's wrong is that you doesn't even give a damn", instead):
"Is she your girlfriend?"
"She's nobody", Kalinda tries to get closer to her, to put her hand on her back, but Alicia flinches.
"Oh, so you sleep with anybody then?" she asks spitefully and she knows that's not fair, and that Kalinda didn't do anything wrong and doesn't deserve it and she is sorry as soon as the words leave her mouth and she can see the hurt look on Kalinda's face, but that doesn't stop her from saying them.
Kalinda winces and Kalinda never winces, she looks straight at Alicia and Alicia feels she can see through to her soul.
"I'm sorry", she says immediately, "I shouldn't have…", but Kalinda cuts her off, "I don't get it Alicia, what is it that you want from me?"
And there is only one answer to that question, Alicia fidgets and looks down "You", she whispers, "I want you".