Dlsclaimer: I do not own Law & Order: SVU or it's characters.
A/N: Benson always likes to play games. As an explanation: The parts in italics are when Elliot's voice is in Olivia's head. Also, I am aware this is listed as an E/O story, because in time, it will be. But time was never right for E/O, so you'll just have to wait and see...
Olivia's body is tight. It's tight with stress, anxiety, depression. She slouches in her chair as she stares blankly at her computer screen, supposedly typing up paper work.
It's been two days since she sat in silence at her kitchen counter and drank the coffee Nick had made for her. He had stared her down, studying her every move. His eyes had made her uncomfortable, staring at her face as she looked down into her cup, wrapped loosely in her fingers.
She feels his eyes again. She's always known when a man watches her, and really looks at her. Her tongue runs over her lips slowly, then without looking at him, she bites her lip, and let's a small moan out. From her peripheral vision, she watches Nick cough loudly, sputtering and sitting up straighter in his seat. A smirk spreads on her face, and her fingers run through her hair, pulling it back from obscuring her view of him. Her desk phone rings, pulling her attention back to her desk.
"Detective Benson speaking." Olivia's voice sounds, but it sounds automated, like she was just an answering machine. Maybe she is, now. The person on the other line breathes out a sigh, almost sounding relieved. She waits, not wanting to push the person calling her. The seconds drag on, and she's about to hang up, when she hears a voice.
"Liv..."
He's not dying. She knows he isn't in trouble. How could he be? He wasn't a cop anymore. He wasn't the type of man to get himself into a deadly situation. But maybe now that he's gone, he's changed. She knows deep down inside, though. He's not in danger, he hasn't changed everything about him, although she's still lost as to who exactly Elliot Stabler is nowadays.
His sob is gentle, almost like a whimper.
She can't do this. She won't have him call her at work and embarrass her in front of the squad after everything she's been through. The lump in her throat won't let her say goodbye to him. She never could, anyway. She was a coward when it came to him. He sobs again into the phone, breathing erratically and clicking the saliva in the back of his mouth like he wants to talk, but he can't. They both can't.
Olivia pulls the phone from her ear, dragging out the seconds until the phone meets the receiver and she's aware of the small part of her mind begging him to just say something, anything. The rattled noise of her phone hitting the lever snaps her from her haze, and she's back again, hearing all of the people working and walking about as she keeps her eyes glued to the phone.
Nick stands before her desk then, crossing his arms over his chest. "Everything alright?"
She fixes her eyes on his, and she knows how hard it must be, coming to a new unit and not having the respect he deserves from one of his new colleagues, one who should be mentoring him.
But she doesn't care about him. She likes to use him. Have him run errands that aren't necessary, slide vulgar, rude comments into conversations, and rarely let him take the lead.
"Go fuck yourself, Amaro." Olivia finds herself growling at him as she stands up, grabbing her coat from the back of her chair and hastily putting it on. Nick stands before her stoically, pressing his lips into a hard line, looking unimpressed, like he's heard it a thousand times. She brushes past him, avoiding Amanda Rollins eyes as she walks out of the bullpen and down the short hallway to the elevators. Olivia looks down at her feet and closes her eyes, just for a sweet second.
Breathe, Liv. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry...
She's been hearing him say that a lot lately.
Her shoes scrape the ground as she drags them along, her hands stuffed deep in the pockets of her unzipped jacket. The lighter in her pocket is wrapped tightly around her fingers, scolding herself for leaving her glass friend at home.
"Olivia!" A woman's voice echoes through the street, making her turn around slowly, squinting as the dim light did nothing to help her see who was calling out to her. A figure approached, slim with blonde, straight hair.
If it's Kathy, she'll run.
But the voice is too deep, too rugged and laced with sex. The figure walks further towards her, then she realizes that the woman isn't Kathy Stabler, but Amanda Rollins. She jogs to catch up with Olivia, and stops when she's five feet away from her.
"I've been calling your name for a block now," Amanda chuckles, her breath evident in the cold night. Her hips sway as she walks towards Olivia, and she can't help but notice now. She's got an amazing body. "You up for a drink?" Olivia nods, smiling slightly as she turns and walks with the younger woman, their strides matching. They walk towards the bar she had been heading to, the neon sign getting larger as the move closer.
Soon, they find themselves sitting in silence at the bar, and Olivia realizes then, that she's never really tried with the woman, although she seems like a good person, and her instincts are rarely wrong. The beer she's drinking just isn't strong enough, but she doesn't want vodka.
She's got whiskey and rum... Maybe a little tequila back at her apartment. The thing is, she wants to bring Amanda with her. The tension between them grows as Olivia's hand brushes against hers. Amanda's hand twitches, then runs over the back of Olivia's hand, and up her arm. The sexual charge in the look Amanda gives her makes her heart race. She's never slept with a woman, and she doubts Amanda has either, but she wants to. Amanda has an air around her that screams sex, and she wants it. She wants her under her tongue...
"Do you want to come to my place for a drink?"
Olivia whispers, lowering her eyelashes until she's staring at Amanda through them as she sucks her lip between her bottom teeth. To her surprise, her companion nods and turns her body towards Olivia, letting her eyes drop down to her lips.
"Only if Amaro can come along, too."
She doesn't know why, but she agrees.
Their drinks lie on the table, half full, with lip gloss stains on the rims. Olivia pulls her feet underneath her on the couch and smirks at Amanda, who sits across from her on the same couch with her lean legs crossed and stretched out, nearly touching Olivia's thigh.
"Amaro likes to take his sweet time," Amanda chuckles out, smirking back at her. She doesn't know what's been planned in Olivia's head, but she finds herself wanting to drag her foot, just a bit, and feel her the skin of her thigh, even through the work pants she wears. Amanda's eyes flick up to hers and narrow, but Olivia looks away, her cheeks flushing slightly.
"I'll be right back..." Her voice is just a murmur, and it worries Amanda.
Has she done something wrong?
Olivia rises from the couch and walks towards her bedroom, not shutting it when she goes through the entrance. She doesn't know if it's an invitation or not, but she feels herself getting off of the couch gradually, allowing her mind to drift.
She's never had a feeling like this before. She wants her.
Amanda follows Olivia's footsteps, and glances around the bedroom as she enters. The nightstand is open with a few papers pushed aside, along with a broken picture frame. From her standpoint, she can't tell who's in the picture, or what it's even of. Or why it's broken and still in her nightstand.
"Shit." She hears Olivia whisper, followed by a cough. Her eyes narrow as she looks at the bathroom door, which remains ajar, but doesn't show Olivia's figure. Amanda walks anyways, and tentatively nudges the door open.
The smell is the first thing that hits her. The thick musk makes her want to cough, but she pushes back the urge and lifts her eyes to Olivia, with a joint between her lips,and a lighter between her fingers. "Pass it," Amanda finds herself mumbling, moving her eyes to Olivia's lips. But Olivia shakes her head and smirks.
"C'mere." Olivia mumbles back to her, crooking a finger. Amanda moves without thinking, smoothing out her hand on the bathroom counter and running her hand along the smooth surface. Olivia's finger lands between her lips, making her startle slightly and look up into the older woman's eyes. Her free hand holds the joint as she sucks in the smoke deeply, then pulls it away from her mouth while she holds her breath.
Amanda's mouth drops open a bit when Olivia leans down, their faces so close together she could count Olivia's eyelashes. Her mouth opens as well, blowing out the smoke directly into Amanda's mouth. She inhales deeply and moves her hand from the counter to Olivia's hip, then leans further into her.
Olivia's exhale finishes. Her lips curl into a smirk as she looks down at Amanda, pleased to see her eyes already becoming glassy. The thumb that held her mouth open now skims along her chin, then her neck. Amanda's heart begins to hammer in anticipation, watching Olivia's eyes follow her thumb. It swirls and lands just in front of her ear, pushing her fingers into the blonde hair, making a small whimper escape from Amanda's parted lips.
The next thing she feels is Olivia's lips on hers, crushing and dominant.
She likes it. Her own lips against Amanda's. Her hand tugging at the blonde hair to get her closer. Their bodies pressed together as Olivia let's the forgotten joint fall into the sink and brings her hand to Amanda's waist, pulling her closer, molding their bodies together.
Olivia has yet to pull away. Her breath comes in harshly through her nose while she tilts her head and opens her mouth, running her tongue along Amanda's lips. She opens her mouth to Olivia and they both moan, their hands moving faster over each others bodies. Their tongues swirl and explore and push Olivia further to her edge. She wants her now.
I've always wanted to see you kiss another woman, Liv.
He doesn't kill the mood. He never does, never has. His voice is a constant, even when he was around in the flesh. When he would scare off men from asking her on a date, but always go home to his wife. She misses that part of him, the jealousy, the hatred of other men who dared to look at her. He turns her on, and his voice in her head always helps her.
She pushes Amanda back towards the bedroom, their lips still moving against one another. They stumble back the five steps to Olivia's bed and she lays Amanda down underneath her, moving her lips from the other woman's mouth to her neck, biting gently at the skin.
"I've never done this before..." Amanda whispers almost shyly, running her fingers through Olivia's curly hair. She doesn't pull back from her assault on her neck, just moves her mouth lower as her legs separate and straddle Amanda's hips. Her hands moves to Amanda's shirt, pulling it up just under her breasts. They moves down again, feeling the soft and warm skin of her toned stomach.
"Neither have I, but I don't think we'll need a manual," She returns, kissing down the rest of Amanda's neck and between the swells of her breasts as she shimmies down the rest of her body. Olivia sits up, straddling Amanda's knees while she unbuttons her jeans, tugging them down to her thighs along with her underwear.
Her mouth meets Amanda's stomach then. She looks up at her, smiling slightly nervously. Amanda tucks a stray hair behind Olivia's ear and gasps when she tugs her pants down to her ankles and pulls them all the way off, letting them fall to the ground haphazardly.
She's off of Amanda and on the floor in a second, lowering herself to her knees before separating and pulling Amanda's legs hard, until her legs are draped over her shoulders, forcing Olivia to intake a breath sharply. The scent of Amanda's arousal sends the blood rushing through her veins.
"Olivia."
Her eyes dart up to the woman calling her name. The effects of the joint are clouded by the lust in her eyes as she puts a gentle hand on the back of Olivia's head. She lowers her mouth then, kissing and licking the inside of her thighs while her hands drift upwards, pushing the light material of her shirt and bra over her breasts.
Just do what you like, Liv. She'll love it any way you do.
So she does. Olivia's hands cup and squeeze her breasts, and her mouth meets Amanda's hot center. She had never pictured herself here, between a woman's legs, much less her coworkers. But she chants in her head, that things change. People leave. Her heart still hurts, but this is her way of dealing with the loss. Never forgetting, just keeping him close by dipping her tongue between Amanda's lips, tasting her for the first time.
She doesn't care if it's just this once. She's a damn good distraction. Her body, her pants, her moans, they're perfect.
Olivia's tongue flicks over her clit, making her buck and apply more pressure to the back of her head. Her lips wrap around the sensitive nerves, sucking it into her mouth. Amanda cries out, clutching onto Olivia's hair as she lays her head back and shuts her eyes tightly. This makes her smirk, and she takes a hand out from her shirt, lowering it to Amanda's entrance. She inserts two fingers, slowly, widening her eyes at the feeling of her fingers inside of another woman. Her digits move, and Olivia's eyes move from the bottom half of Amanda's face to the bedroom door to the right of Amanda.
Nick stands before them, stiff as a board, his eyes blazing on Olivia. Between them, Amanda cries out again, tightening slightly around Olivia's fingers. She pumps them faster, keeping her tongue gliding over Amanda's clit, while Olivia stares at the man in her doorway.
"Fuck..." Olivia hears Amanda moan loudly, going rigid beneath her. The woman's back arches and her walls tighten and quiver around Olivia's fingers, urging her to thrust them harder, faster, rougher. She hits her climax.
It's nothing Olivia has ever experienced. Her eyes move from Nick to Amanda, watching as she rides out the waves of her orgasm. She thrusts her hips forward, pushing Olivia's fingers deeper, letting out one last cry before she relaxes, slumping back into the bed beneath her. Olivia pulls her fingers from Amanda's core, and begins kissing up her thighs, moving her eyes to the door. She moves her lovers legs back to the mattress.
He's not there anymore.
Olivia breathes deeply then, smirking up at the younger woman's flushed face. She licks her lips and straddles Amanda's hips, planting her hands on either side of her head, bending to kiss her lips again. She whispers against her lips, "You taste like honey, when you come..." Making Amanda's already flushed cheeks a deeper red. Olivia smiles and moves off of her, picking up her pants. She watches Amanda redress, and when she finishes, she kisses her deeply, moaning against her lips before pulling away.
Olivia leads her out into the living room, smirking at a disheveled looking Nick. He sits rigidly, narrowing his eyes at Olivia, before looking Amanda up and down. She feels possessive, then.
"Looks like you've seen a ghost, Nick." She growls with snark, seating herself on the couch with Amanda, who remains silent beside her, filling up with questions about Nick. She won't mind, when she asks them though. There isn't much to tell in the first place.
"Yeah, uh... Something like that..." Nick stutters, backing away towards the door. His eyes narrow on Olivia again, looking disapprovingly at her, and almost jealous. "I've gotta go." She smirks at this, bowing her head to kiss Amanda's temple.
"Well I'm sorry we didn't get to visit more... Maybe another time?" Olivia whispers against her skin, pulling Amanda closer. She turns and kisses Olivia then, and she returns the kiss, working her way from her lips down to her neck, glancing Nick from the corner of her eye. He stutters out a farewell, shakily closing the door, as Amanda's back meets the couch.
Olivia knows her sexuality. She's not a lesbian, nor is she bisexual. She's just dealing in her own way, working through her losses and trying to gain some light on all of the darkness that surrounds her these days. The haze is starting to roll in, but she kisses Amanda's lips again, willing herself just to forget her losses and move on.
But she never can.
A/N: Thoughts? Review and let me know if you want some more Haze :D