The sun was bright as I sat there on the patio with Finn. My stomach growled, my head hurt. I didn't drink a lot last night, but well I wasn't used to that kind of partying. I sighed as I sat down and the maid brought me my food. Finn was already dressed, the paper shoved in his face. He didn't even acknowledge me as I took my first bite.
"You were out late last night," he finally said as I took a sip of coffee. I looked around and realized he was talking to me.
I swallowed my drink, "I was talking to the girls a little late, lost track of time. You weren't in bed when I got home though, I didn't think you'd notice."
He put down the paper and glared at me, "funny because I was told you went to a party in third class last night. Care to explain why my assistant would lie to me about that?"
I shrugged, "maybe someone looked like me."
"Clarke I told you last night you aren't to lie to me. You are my wife, you will obey me," his face was red, his hair wasn't styled yet. It fell over his forehead and moved as he spoke with anger.
I couldn't help but laugh. The scared little girl from yesterday was gone, "I am not your property Finn. I am your wife, which means I am a person. Don't treat me like an object and maybe I won't act like a prude."
"Don't be a brat. You're lucky I even agreed to this marriage. Your mother is desperate, need I remind you how important I am to your family?"
I rolled my eyes, "need I remind you how I don't care?"
He slammed his fist onto the table and startled me, "I forbid you to see that Blake kid again. If you so much as set foot on third class then you will be sent down there for the rest of the voyage and our marriage will be off. I know you hate disappointing your mother, so I'd think long and hard before running off to be with your boyfriend."
I shook my head, "maybe I don't care anymore. Since you're such a jackass now, maybe I'll call off the wedding."
He grabbed my arm, holding it as hard as he could. He made a red mark around my wrist as he looked at me hard, "you wouldn't dare. You need me, we both know it. You're too scared to start over."
"Go to hell," I had the urge to spit in his face, but I didn't.
He didn't release my arm just yet, "fine. Go, run off to be a whore with your gutter rat."
I nodded my head, laughing as he finally let go of me, "I'd rather be his whore than your wife."
Then I did it, I spit in his face before I turned and walked out of the room. I knew I couldn't go back, I knew this was it. I had cut the last ties to the life I never wanted and I had never felt better. I took in a deep breath, thankful I had gotten dressed before breakfast. I walked out of the suite and towards the deck, hoping to find Bellamy before my mother found me first.
He was throwing rocks off the side of the ship. I surprised him, coming up behind him and laughing as he jumped, "surprise," I giggled as he smiled at me. He seemed to be as taken with me as I was him. He hugged me, looking around before he placed a quick kiss against my lips. I took in a deep breath, feeling weaker than I had earlier with Finn.
"I left him," I whispered as I ran my finger down his chest, "he forbid me to see you and I told him I wasn't his property. So I left him. Wow, I really did it. Oh my god. I have nothing. Literally nothing now."
Bellamy wrapped his arms around me and held me close, "you have me," he whispered as I felt the fears start to creep in. I took in a deep breath as I let him support me, "you have the possibility to live whatever life you want now without Finn or your mother breathing down your neck."
I nodded, "yeah," I said quietly feeling a little stronger with him. He squeezed my hand, "I'm really glad I have you."
He kissed me again, this time he didn't care who saw and neither did I. I wrapped my arms around his neck as his hands pressed into the small of my back. I smiled as I pulled away, my fingers pulling at the curls on top of his head. I leaned my forehead against his, "let's get out of here."
He laced his fingers through mine and took me in the opposite direction I had come in.
I squealed as he pulled me along behind him, "where are we going?"
He pushed past people, "you just told me you left your fiancé," he was smiling, I could hear it in his voice. I held his hand tighter as a few guys watched us together, "I'm taking you somewhere he won't be able to find you."
We walked back into the ship, down a long hallway. There were a few stairs we had to go down and then I realized where we were. This was the third class boarding rooms. There were so many rooms. So many places where they were shoved together. I felt sorry for Bellamy, until he opened the door that belonged to him and it was empty.
"You are more than welcome to stay with me," he said stepped into his room and giving me that crooked smiled, "I know it's not suitable for a princess. It's not as big or fancy as you're used to."
"It's perfect," I whispered as I stepped in behind him.
Bellamy closed the door behind him, wrapping my hair around his hand. He pressed me into the door as I laughed and kissed him back. It was crazy but I had fallen in love with him already. Five days and I knew that I didn't belong with Finn, I belong here with this wild eyed boy. I wasn't a precious piece of glass that sat around looking pretty. I was a girl who wanted to experience life, to laugh and to love as hard as she lived.
His big hands held my face as he pressed against me, "you don't think I'm a mess do you?"
He laughed as he pulled back, his hand covering my heart, "I think you're beautiful. You're like the finest piece of art. Art is meant to be messy," he whispered as he kissed my cheek, "we can figure our way out the chaos together."
His lips nibbled at my neck as I moved my hips towards his. I closed my eyes, savoring the moment. I didn't know what would happen when my mother found out about what happened this morning. But I knew I never wanted this to end.
"Bellamy," my voice was full of air, "be with me."
He looked surprised as he locked his door and lead me to his bed. He sat down as I pulled the tie to my dress. He swallowed loudly as I stood there undressing. He seemed more nervous than I was. I smiled as I sat down beside him, kissing him as his hands pushed down the straps of my dress.
"Clarke," he ran his fingers through my hair, our clothes thrown on the floor, "I love you."
I smiled as he hovered above me, our bodies waiting for the tension to be relieved, "I love you too."
I never realized how amazing it could be when you loved the person you were with. Finn and I didn't relate, we didn't fit together. Bellamy, he was like the missing piece that fit right into my soul. Every touch, every kiss made my body scream for more. I couldn't get enough of him, my gasps loud with every movement he made.
He held our hands above my head as we rode out our highs together. I couldn't think, I couldn't breathe as he went still and the tension that was finally released washed over us. Bellamy kissed me slowly, his fingers letting go of mine as we pulled apart.
He didn't let me go far. He pulled me close, my back pressed against his chest. I smiled as he kissed my shoulder blade, the world fading around me. I closed my eyes and I knew this was exactly what I needed. A place where I felt safe, where I finally felt like I could be myself.
We laid there tangled up in his sheets once it was over. After the pleasure washed over us he released me from his hold. I turned around, holding his hand in mine. We laid facing each other. We were both so happy, we couldn't stop smiling. I laughed, unsure of what to say or how to feel in this moment. I felt crazy for being here, for abandoning my life.
"This is crazy," I laid my head on his pillow, his fingers drawing shapes on my skin, "we barely know each other. How can we be sure of what we feel?"
Bellamy picked up my hand and kissed it. He took in a breath, "I know how I feel, I've never wanted someone as much as I want you. In my life, in my bed, just here with me. If that's not love then I don't know what is."
"Good answer," I whispered leaning in to kiss him, "I'm glad you stole me away."
I laid my hand in the crook of his shoulder, feeling more alive than I ever have before. I needed to take control over my life, I should've done it a long time ago. Meeting Bellamy was the spark that lit up my soul, my heart. But he was also the spark that changed my life.
—
I spent the night curled up in Bellamy's arms. It was the best night of my life, his lips pressing against my skin as I woke up. We ate breakfast together, we laughed and told each other stories. We were a real couple, one that was together and not just together for appearance. He held my hand as we walked, he kissed me whenever he wanted to. Choosing to be with Bellamy was the best thing I had ever done.
It was late afternoon when the marshall started following us. We were taking a walk. I told him we couldn't spend all day in bed, even though he wanted to try. We turned the corner and I watched as the marshall did the same. I told Bellamy and when we started to run, so did he. It took us almost an other to finally run through the entire third class floor.
I giggled as Bellamy held my hands and I spun around out in the cold. We had finally lost the Marshall somewhere near the broiler room. The night air was refreshing after the chase. I took in a deep breath as he spun me back around and wrapped his arms around me. He held me from behind as we watched the boat sail out into the dark water.
"You make me happy," Bellamy kissed my cheek as I thought about my father. He would've loved Bellamy. He would've hated Finn, "happier than I've ever been."
Bellamy's deep voice had become my favorite sound, "I'm glad. Because I haven't felt so alive since I left home."
I was facing him as the bell rang out. Bellamy's eyes got wide as I turned back towards the ocean. Suddenly the darkness wasn't the only thing in front of us. There was a huge white block of ice staring at the ship. We were headed straight for it. I gasped as Bellamy pulled me closer to him and away from the side. Pieces of ice fell onto the deck as we floated on by.
"That can't be good," I whispered, thinking of how few life boats there were. They say the ship is unsinkable. But that's not true, every ship can sink if it's hit in the right spot.
Bellamy laced his fingers through mine as chaos followed. The workers went crazy, the iceberg was out of our sights now. Kids were playing with the cold chunks as they ran around trying to find the captain, to figure out the amount of damage done. I felt sick, this couldn't be happening. This was supposed to be the ship of dreams.
Suddenly it felt like it had become the ship of nightmares.
"Do you think it's okay?" I looked at Bellamy hoping he would give me the answer I needed to hear.
"I don't know," he whispered still staring at the space in front of us, "we have to find out."
I nodded, swallowing my fear. We didn't get far, someone called out his name, "Bellamy Blake you're under arrest."
He laughed, holding my hand tighter in his, "what? For what?"
"Kidnapping Ms. Griffin. Mr. Collins has been worried sick all day," the same Marshall that was there at the railing, the one who was chasing us earlier, grabbed his wrists and handcuffed them together. Finn appeared, grabbing for me as they took Bellamy away.
"No," I pulled away, Bellamy's big brown eyes turning back towards me. He kept his features calm, so I freaked out for him, "you can't do this Finn! You let me go, make them stop."
"Shh. Whatever he said isn't true sweetheart," he kissed my forehead and I felt sick. I shook my head, trying to get away from this monster.
"Let go of me. They can't take him. Bellamy! Bellamy I'll find you," I called out as they took in down the stairs. He didn't reply he was already gone.
Finn looked happy, "I told you you're mine. Just because I let you go doesn't mean I can't get you back. Now let's go see what's happening with the boat while your boyfriend is disposed of."
"I meant what I said," I pushed him away before he could pull me into the hallway. They were telling people to put on their life vests. I knew what that meant, "you can go to hell, Finn. I choose him."
"Clarke," my mothers voice startled me. She looked angry, "Finn told me what happened. Don't go see that boy. We have to find a lifeboat."
I glared at Finn, "yes I'm sure he'll find a way onto onto one. I'm sorry mother but I'm not your property either. I am my own person. I choose Bellamy. He's good and he's kind. If you cared about me at all you'd realize how I feel."
They both laughed and I knew in that moment they were more suited for each other than we had ever been, "I don't care how you feel. Finn surely doesn't care either. But you will come with us to safety."
I shook my head and backed away from both of them, "no mother. I won't. I'm not sorry either," she looked hurt as I stood there getting ready to leave.
"Finn stop her," she panicked and he grabbed my wrist.
I just smiled, my eyes staring at the ones that matched my own, "goodbye mother."
I spit in Finn's face for the second time in my life and it felt great. I ran towards the stairs where they had taken him. I raced down them, too far behind to follow. I tried to remember our first day when they explained the layout of the ship to those who wanted a tour. Where would they take someone who was arrested? I had no idea, but it had to be down in third class. I ran as fast as I could in my dress towards the lower class.
I stopped when I saw the water at the bottom of the stairs. My eyes went wide, the ship was sinking. It was only a matter of time before we were all under. I took in a breath, all the more reason I had to save him. I screamed as I stepped into the ice cold water. It felt like pins and needles sticking my skin. Thankfully it wasn't higher than my ankles I could still move pretty quickly.
Bellamy had been right to stop me that first night on the ship. I wouldn't have survived long in this cold, not jumping from the height of the ship. I didn't even recognize that girl who wanted to end her life. She was happy now with Bellamy, she didn't want to jump into a water full of ice. She wanted to live holding his hand.
"Bellamy!" I called out his name as I ran down the hallway. There were so many doors, so many places they could've taken him. I had no idea where to start. The water rushed in faster as I kept searching.
I screamed louder every time I passed an intersection. Finally it paid off, I heard metal crash against metal, "Clarke! Clarke I'm in here. Follow my voice. The ship is sinking!"
"I know," I was terrified, "I didn't know he would do that. I'm sorry."
"I know Clarke. I know," I found him handcuffed to a pole. The water was higher in this room, he was up on a desk avoiding the cold. I screamed even louder as it hit my waist, "I don't have the key, Princess."
I nodded, "okay I have an idea," I went back into the hallway and grabbed the axe that was in the glass case. I had to take a moment and center myself before I moved. It was heavy in my hands as I made my way back to him.
He looked worried, "have you done this before?"
I shook my head, "no. But I'm not leaving without you Bell."
He nodded and spread his cuffs as far as they'd go, "okay. Do it."
He closed his eyes as I held the weapon over my shoulder. I used all my strength and hurled it forward, missing the metal by a long shot. I cried out frustrated as the water got higher. The cold was seeping into my body. I couldn't focus on anything but it.
"You can do this Clarke. I know you can," Bellamy pulled me back into the room, "focus."
I nodded and made the same movements again. This time I hit the cuffs and he was free. I threw down the axe and hugged him, his lips pressing against mine, "you're so stupid for coming down here Clarke."
"I won't leave without you," I kissed him back.
He nodded and grabbed my hand, "we have to get to higher ground."
We had to swim out of that room and down the nearest hallway. We found our way back up to the other floor, they were still dry. People were refusing to put on their life vests, they saw us soaking wet and realized something was wrong. The lifeboats were being loaded as the front end ship lowered into the sea.
"Women and children. Only women and children," the conductor called out for people to board the life boats. They could only hold so many. I took in a breath and kept my hand in Bellamy's, holding it tightly.
He stopped us in front of a boat, "you need to get on that. Don't wait for me, you need to save yourself Clarke."
I shook my head, "I won't go without you. I don't care what happens, I'll wait for a boat that takes us both."
He kissed my forehead, "I'll be on the next one, I promise princess. I won't leave you either. Please just get on this boat."
He squeezed my hands after kissing them softly, "may we meet again."
Tears were in my eyes as I looked into his beautiful brown ones, "may we meet again."
I let him push me towards the lifeboat, there was one seat left. I was in a state of shock or maybe it was the cold. Suddenly I agreed and stepped over the side to take that last seat on the tiny little wooden boat that was supposed to save us from the wild sea. I didn't blink, I couldn't focus as the men began to lower it towards the water. Bellamy stood watching, nodding his head.
A woman who looked an awfully lot like my mother held my arm as we made our way slowly to the ground. Everyone was panicking boats were almost squishing other life boats. My heart was pounding as I kept staring up at the face of the man I truly loved.
There weren't more boats, the men would all die. He had lied to me, this wasn't a trade. He was letting me go so I wouldn't drown or freeze to death. What he didn't realize is that I didn't want to survive without him. I didn't lose everything when I walked away from Finn, I had only gained my life back.
There was soft music playing in my head as I remembered our short time together. The dinner, his party. Us laughing as we danced together, that first kiss we shared waking me up from the dead life I was living. Our first time in his bed, his gentle hands making my body ache. This wasn't how we were supposed to end.
"No," I stood up and gauged the distance between the lifeboat and the ship. I didn't think I just jumped, the people screaming as I grabbed the railing and held myself up.
I pulled myself back over and ran towards the stairs. Bellamy met me halfway back to where we had been standing, "Clarke what the hell? This is so stupid. You're supposed to be safe."
"I can't lose you too," tears were in my eyes, "I walked away from the life I never wanted and found one I never want to lose in you. Please don't make me get on another damn boat. We can survive this," I put my cold hand against his cheek, "together."
He hugged me tightly, the boat getting deeper into the water. Soon it would be straight up and one of the ends would break. Everyone was running and screaming. People were praying. Everyone knew that there would be people would didn't make it out alive.
I held onto his hand tightly, we would make it. We would survive and we'd find our life together on this other side of this disaster.
Bellamy got us to higher ground once the ship started to go vertical. People were falling, sliding done the deck. Others were jumping trying to save themselves before they went under. He held me tightly in one hand as he held onto the railing with the other.
I laughed, "Bell," I tried to find the good in this situation, "this is where we met."
He smiled, the fear finally making it way into his eyes. He had held it together for me. He didn't say anything as he held me even tighter, pressing one last warm kiss to my forehead as the boat broke in half.
"When I count to three Clarke, hold your breath and swim. Keep hold of my hand, and swim as far away from the boat as you can okay?"
I nodded as we watched the water race towards us. The boat was ready to find it's final resting place underneath the sea. I took in a deep breath as Bellamy counted down in my ear. I closed my eyes and then it happened.
Everyone screamed as the side we were on went crashing down into the water. I held my breath, Bellamy's hand holding mine so we wouldn't separate. I could swim, but this water was too cold. I was already numb from walking around in it. The adrenaline was wearing thin. I wouldn't survive long out in the sea.
"Here," Bellamy grabbed a piece of wood and held onto it as I swam over. He lifted me up, my life vest heavy from the cold water. I grabbed his hands, trying to pull him up with me. His added weight made the board sink. He shook his head and held onto the side, his hand still in mine.
The chaos started to calm down once we were all off the boat. There was nothing to do but wait for someone to save us. I squeezed his cold hand, "tell me one of your stories, Bell."
He sighed, "they aren't that good. This, this is a good story. Surviving the sinking of a ship. I'll tell this one for years to come."
I smiled, afraid to cry, "I love you. I don't care how long we've known each other. I love you Bellamy Blake."
He shook his head, "don't do that Clarke. Don't say goodbye. We will get through this. You're going to laugh about this in years to come, I promise you. So don't say goodbye. Not yet."
I nodded my head slowly, feeling tears in my eyes. God I loved him. I didn't want to lose him. I started to sing softly as the night settled around us.
We had been quiet for a few minutes, my teeth chattering from the cold. It was worse in the water, the wind blew and made you that much colder. I didn't even have to worry about something in the water. I closed my eyes, fighting sleep because I was afraid I wouldn't wake up again. My heart beat slowly, my hand still holding tightly to Bellamy's
He was my lifeline.
It seemed like hours until he finally spoke again, but I knew it had only been a few minutes. He coughed, the cold was worse for him. He was still in the water. I shook my head, begging the door to hold both our weight. I didn't want to survive this without him.
"When we get through this you have to find my sister," his eyes were closed as he held onto the door, keeping the top half of his body out of the freezing water, "tell her I loved her, that I didn't want to leave her. Tell her I'm sorry."
A tear fell down my cheek as I looked at Bellamy, "we will get through this together. The boats, they'll come back. I'm not leaving here without you."
He was quiet as the waves splashed around us. It was so cold, colder than I ever thought was possible. My hair was freezing together, icicles were forming on my lips. I wasn't sure how anyone would survive something as harsh as this, but I wasn't going to give up. I was going to get through this.
I didn't regret jumping off that lifeboat.
"So cold," I whispered as I kept staring up at the stars wishing someone would come and save us. This wasn't something I could save myself from.
"Clarke," Bellamy's lips were blue, his teeth chattered, "stay with me. You aren't going to die here, not like this. You're going to live, you're going to have babies and grand babies. You'll tell them about this moment and you'll remember how strong you are. But you aren't going to die on me."
I shivered as the water sloshed against my legs, "I can't feel my body. I'm so cold."
Bellamy held my hands in his. He was colder than I would ever be. He was in the water completely, I was on the door, "winning that ticket, Clarke. It was the best thing to ever happen to me. I got to meet you, I fell in love with you. If I hadn't won that ticket. I don't think I'd ever feel this way. Promise me that you won't give up. No matter what happens, no matter how hopeless things get. Promise me now, Clarke and never let go of that promise."
I nodded my head slowly, "I promise Bellamy," I moved my eyes so I could see him, "I'll never let go."
—
Fifteen-hundred people went into the sea, when Titanic sank from under us. There were twenty boats floating nearby and only one came back. One. Six were saved from the water, myself included. Only six of us, out of fifteen-hundred. Afterward, the seven-hundred people in the boats had nothing to do but wait. It felt like a lifetime, but days later another boat saved us. We boarded the big ship, refugees of a nightmare we never thought would happen.
We were in that water for hours just waiting. Waiting to die, waiting to live. Waiting to see what fate would meet us on the other side of that disaster.
I was ready to give into the pain and the cold when I was finally rescued. I saw the light before I let the cold take over. At first I didn't think it was real, but then I heard people shouting. There was a life boat, it had come back. I opened my mouth to call out for help, but nothing came out. I was too cold, too frozen to call out. I pulled on Bellamy's hand but he didn't move.
"No," I cried as I realized he was gone. I had held his hand, I had tried to keep him awake. Still we both knew how this would end didn't we? I couldn't accept it. I shook my head, trying to wake him up.
The boat was getting further away. I knew I had to let him go. If I wanted to survive, which is what he wanted for me, I had to let him go and find a way to get on that boat. My heart broke as I realized I'd never see him again. I'd never lay him to rest and have a place to visit. His burial would be here in the sea, a place I would never ever come again.
I took in a breath and kissed his frozen hands, pulling mine out of his grip. I remembered his laughter, that crooked smile. I remembered every moment we were together. He opened my eyes and showed me that love was real.
A relationship didn't have to be forced or arranged. You could fall in love with a single look, a single touch. He saved me and in a way maybe I helped save him too. Either way I'd never ever forget that brown eyed boy who stole my heart.
"I love you. I'll never let go. May we meet again, my love."
I watched as he floated down, his eyes closed. He'd never call me princess again, he'd never look at me like I hung the stars in the sky. It hurt to realize how little time we had known each other and how much life we should've had left together. I took in a deep breath and forced myself to forget that pain. I focused on survival, which told me to get moving.
The water splashed as I forced myself back into it. It was even colder the second time around. I raced towards the lifeboat, praying someone would hear me. I stopped swimming when I saw a whistle around someone's neck. I didn't think I just took action. I blew as hard as I could so they heard him. By some miracle that night in the middle of the ocean I was saved.
They ushered me up in to the lifeboat and covered me in blankets. I closed my eyes and mourned for the love I had so briefly found and lost. Bellamy Blake saved my life in more ways than one. Now I would never get to repay him. Now I'd never know how it felt to spend my life with someone I truly loved.
An immigration officer was making his way around this new ship, taking down names of those who survived. People were looking for their loved ones, they wanted to believe there was still a chance they would find them. I stood there that night we boarded, watching the fireworks that were set off from another distressed ship.
I didn't look for my mother or for Finn. I didn't have anyone to grieve with, to mourn the loss of my love and my life. I was finally free from the chains that had held me for so long. After this moment I would never look back. I would remember my time with Bellamy and that was it.
"Name?" the officer startled me and I felt my insides change.
I swallowed the pain that came along with losing the first love I ever truly had. I took in a deep breath, "Clarke Blake," I told him thinking about the sister I would have to find when I got to America.
He wrote it down as I held onto the coat he had given me. It was the last thing I had of the boy who saved me.
A woman's heart is a deep ocean of secrets. But now you know there was a man named Bellamy Blake and that he saved me in every way that a person can be saved. I don't even have a picture of him. He exists now only in my memory. Whenever the world becomes too much I close my eyes and he's standing there, telling me to hold on. He's there in my dreams, promising me that I'll live.
I would always love him. I told him that I'd live a life he would be proud of. I made him a promise and I would never break it. He sacrificed himself for me and now I had an entire life to live without him. I would never let go and somehow my heart would go on without him.
I closed my eyes and felt him there with me, holding me against the cold air. I took in a deep breath and I made him that promise once more; I'll never let go Bellamy. I'll never let go.