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April 2010

Joshua Lyman knew perfectly well that there were other moments in his life that had been this painful, but right now, he could scarcely think of them. The car ride home from the emergency room in silence was like torture to him. He wanted to lash out at the world, scream at the top of his lungs and rage at the brutal unfairness of it all. But he remained as calm as he could, even as tears continued to gather behind his weary eyes and the lump he kept swallowing constantly reformed in his throat.

Donna had stopped crying hours ago, but her suffering was no less apparent as she lied down on the couch as soon as she was inside their townhouse. Josh knelt at her side and took her hand.

"Do you need anything?" he asked.

"Nothing you can give me," she whispered harshly and pulled her hand free. She didn't mean to lash out at him; he was just the closest target. She tried unsuccessfully to find a comfortable position on the couch, but it was no use. The vicodin dulled ache that radiated from her pelvis to her lower back was persistent. She tilted her head and saw him standing back, looking pitiful.

"I'm sorry," she said softly. "You didn't have that coming, but I think I want to be alone for a little while, ok?"

Josh took a deep breath and nodded. "Of course," he said. "I'll just take a drive around the neighborhood. I have my phone; call me if you need me, I'll be right there."

"Thanks." Donna closed her eyes and listened as he slowly walked out the door. When she knew she was alone, she gave into the deep, core shaking sobs that had lingered below the surface. Everything hurt.

Josh stood in the driveway feeling lost. He had no idea where he'd go, but if she needed space, he knew he had to give it to her. Slowly, he got into his car, but just sat there for a time before even starting it. There was a tiny bit of blood on the passenger seat; he would make sure he got the car cleaned before Donna would have to look at it.

There was nowhere for him to go. Of course this would happen on a Sunday, when he and Donna were normally off work and he wasn't currently behind enough on anything to justify going in to a likely completely empty West Wing, so his usual source of solace was unavailable. A dark part of his brain hoped that some sort of global crisis would unfold right now, giving him no choice but to report immediately to the White House to advise the president. A few hours in the situation room trying to prevent a world war would be so much easier than this. He double checked that the ringer volume on his work phone was turned all the way up.

There was no one he could talk to. No one knew, not even his mother or Donna's parents. Tomorrow, to everyone he interacted with, it would be like nothing had happened. No one would know how their fragile piece of a desperately hoped for future had been torn away from them. They had chosen not to tell anyone for precisely this reason. As if somehow, they imagined that this kind of grief would be easier to bare in silence. It made sense at the time, but now Josh couldn't really remember why.

He started driving with no particular destination in mind; there weren't a great deal of options on a Sunday morning. The silence bothered him, so he turned on the radio to NPR, but didn't really listen. He glanced out the rearview mirror, spotted the black SUV following him, and sighed with disgust. It annoyed him that he couldn't even have privacy now. There had been many conversations about whether the Chief of Staff should be allowed to drive himself, but it was one piece of normalcy that Josh insisted on maintaining as he adjusted to life with his own Secret Service detail. He was glad now that he hadn't backed down on that; it bugged him to be protectively followed, but at least he had some distance.

After mindlessly winding through the neighborhood for nearly a half an hour, he had the closest thing to a good idea he could manage. He made an abrupt turn onto a larger street, much to the irritation of the driver behind him. But he didn't care; he suddenly knew where he had to go.

The Lymans' dog, Shea, had forced her way onto the couch and curled her large body beside Donna as she cried and clung to her tightly. She cried for what seemed like a long time, until she started to feel the beginnings of relief. Eventually, her eyes dried, and a little while later, Shea sensed her service was no longer needed and wandered off in search of a toy. Donna sat up on the couch and looked around her empty living room.

She wanted Josh.

She wasn't sure exactly how much time had passed since she told him to go, but she was regretting that she had. She had regained her composure but she still felt so empty. And she had sent away the only person on earth who might make her feel something close to whole again. Her mind started racing to dark places; was she headed back towards the pit of misery and despair she sank into and hid so skillfully in the months after Gaza? She and Josh began to drift apart around that time; once she left her job, they became estranged for nearly a year. Was something like that in motion now? Would it be worse now?

She thought about his upcoming surgery and her stomach twisted itself into a knot. What if she pushed him away now, and something happened to him before they could find eachother again? That thought was too terrible to comprehend. She tried to force her mind in a different direction.

It settled on what had been a joyful memory, but would now only ever be painful to think about.

Just three weeks ago.

She and Josh were preparing to travel to Florida for a weekend. They would spend some time visiting his mother, celebrate Passover with her, and take a drive to see his beloved Mets in spring training. Donna began to have her suspicions a week prior; thirteen months of trying to conceive made her extremely well attuned to her cycle. The doctors had told her the most accurate time to take a test was first thing in the morning, so she bought one Thursday evening and she and Josh went to sleep that night feeling like children on Christmas Eve.

The next morning, they woke up early, their bags packed to go straight to the airport from work. They leaned on the bathroom counter nervously for three minutes that felt like days. Tests in the past had been bitter letdowns, but today, they couldn't believe their eyes as a tiny pink plus sign began to form. It was finally happening.

They arrived in Florida that night, Josh carrying every single bag including Donna's purse. When their taxi arrived at his mother's condo, she remarked on it right away.

"It's taken nearly fifty years, but could it be that my son is finally a gentleman?" Rachel Lyman teased when she saw him.

"What are you talking about? I've always been a gentleman," Josh protested. "And that 'nearly fifty years' thing was cold blooded and uncalled for." He put the bags down and hugged her. She kissed his cheek and turned to Donna with a warm smile.

"You've trained him well, dear" she said, giving Donna a hug. "But you'd tell me if there was some other reason for his chivalry, wouldn't you? Some wonderful reason you shouldn't be lifting things? Come one, I'm an old woman; you shouldn't leave me in suspense."

"You'll be the first to know when we have some good news, Rachel," said Donna with a smile. "But today he's really just being the nice guy you raised him to be." They both sensed that his mother wasn't entirely convinced, especially when Donna declined wine later in the evening, but Rachel didn't prod further; she understood. When they returned from Florida, Donna's doctor confirmed the pregnancy and for three sweet weeks they rode the high of joyful excitement, sharing it only with each other.

Suddenly, those memories felt like scenes from someone else's life. All Donna was very sure of was that she wanted Josh in her arms.

Josh spent a lot of time at Arlington in an official capacity, attending events and ceremonies with President Santos and President Bartlet before that. He knew his way around well enough and it took him no time to find the exact place he was looking for.

Leo Thomas McGarry

1948-2006

"Hey Leo," he said, barely audibly. "I don't know exactly what I'm doing here; you'd probably say I was being crazy. I just," he took a deep breath. "I just didn't have anyone else to talk to." Josh glanced around, making sure no one was watching him. The black SUV was parked behind his car, and the two agents stood a respectful distance away. There seemed to be what looked like a small procession in the distance, but he didn't pay it much attention.

"Things are kinda bad right now," Josh continued. "I don't know; maybe you know all that already. Maybe you don't know anything and me talking to you is pointless, I don't really know. But it's pretty bad right now. It looked so good and then the wheels just started falling off." He swallowed a heavy lump in his throat and continued.

"We lost a baby, Leo," he said, the words causing him to finally lose control over the tears. He made a loud, undignified noise as he sniffled. "We were trying and trying for more than a year. Donna started getting these shots and then it finally happened last month. We were so happy; it was finally happening. Then she wakes up in the middle of the night last night in all kinds of pain and then there's blood, and oh, God, I'm sorry you don't wanna hear all this." He took another deep breath.

"I didn't get her to the ER in time for them to be able to do anything but give her something for the pain and wait for it to finish happening," he went on. "I've never seen her this sad, Leo. And I don't even know what to do for her. I can't stand to see her hurt like this. It's like after Gaza; she's hurt and I can't do anything to help her. And you know something else? I'm pretty goddamned sad myself." Josh bit his lower lip so hard he almost drew blood.

"They're gonna operate June first," he started after a long pause. "When we first met this team at Hopkins, they made it sound like getting my appendix out. A little painful afterward, but a cool scar, miss a week of school, no gym class for a while, that kind of thing. But the last appointment I had was all reminders of the sixty-five hundred ways it could go horribly wrong in just the first hour. They started hammering us about taking care of living wills and power of attorney stuff, as if none of that ever came up during those three years I spent at law school. I get the idea they're trying to lower expectations, just like debate prep; someone oughta remind them what I do for a living.

"It's not that I'm scared," he insisted. "Not like that anyway. Whatever is gonna happen to me is what's gonna happen to me. I think I've made about as much peace with that as I can manage. I've had a really good life." He paused, trying to convince himself he believed what he was saying.

"The only thing is," he started to clarify, "I'm not ready to give it up yet. I have this great career that's more fulfilling than anything I ever dreamed of, but there's still all this work to do. I got to marry the most amazing woman in the world, even though I was a damn fool who took eight years to realize the love of my life had been answering my phone all along.

"She's why I'm afraid. Because I want every second with her I can possibly have. Because only being married to her for three years doesn't come close to enough." He paused again.

"Because I want to be the father of her children," he started again, very quietly this time. "I'm kinda old for that I guess, but nature's more forgiving to men on this. I practically challenged this one asshole doctor to pistols at dawn when he said something about her age being a problem; if you'd have seen me, you would have been really disgusted with me or else really proud. If I have to leave her now, it might not only be me who misses out. I'd like to think she could find someone else, someone to make her happy, give her what she deserves, but what if she didn't find him in time? Is she gonna wake up one day, a few years down the road and look to the day she joined the Bartlet campaign as the worst mistake she ever made? Because of me? What if she wasted the best years of her life on me? What if I ruined her life and she realizes that someday after I'm gone and comes to hate me for it?"

"That's never gonna happen, Josh."

Josh nearly leapt out of his skin. He turned around, startled to see Donna standing behind him. Her eyes were watery and her voice was shaky. She took a step towards him and embraced him tightly.

"I knew I'd find you here," she whispered as she held onto him. "I got tired of being alone quickly and I just knew I'd find you here."

"Are you ok?" he asked nervously. "You shouldn't be here, you should be home resting. Are you hurting?"

"I'm alright," she said gently. "The pain isn't as bad as it was and Agent Hobbs drove me, so I'm really not taxing myself that much. I just needed to find you and be where you were. I didn't want to wait."

"I'm so sorry, Donna," he said. She wasn't entirely sure what he meant, but it unnerved her. It was hard for her to hear him say that after she heard him articulate his fears.

"Joshua, look at me," she said firmly, pulling back just enough to look him in the eyes, but she held onto his hands. His wet eyes met hers. "In sickness and in health."

"Donna, I-" he started.

"In sickness and in health," she repeated. "For better or for worse. That's what we promised each other and we meant it.. A lot of the time, I feel like I can't see over the top of this, any of it. Today I feel like I've been shaken off my foundation, and I know you do too. But there's no one on Earth I'd rather be on this road with than you."

Josh felt ashamed; how could he possibly be so selfish as to make her feel like she had to comfort and reassure him at a time like this? She wasn't finished.

"Whatever happens next month, next year, twenty years from now," she began. "You're the best decision I ever made and nothing will ever change that."