"I am LORD VOLDEMORT! I am God!" The Dark Lord cackled on his throne in Slytherin Castle.

Suddenly Lucius Malfoy walked into the room. "My Lord I have failed to --"

"Crucio!" The Dark Lord bellowed. Lucius screamed and writhed on the floor. The Dark Lord held the curse for several minutes.

"Why did you fail, Lucius?" Lucius moaned and slumped onto the ground.

"Answer me! Crucio! Crucio!" Lucius wailed and screamed some more.

"My Lord," Dolohov interrupted.

"How dare you interrupt me! Crucio!" Dolohov shrieked in pain.

"Please, my Lord --" Gasped McNair before he too was hit by a Cruciatus Curse.

"You have all failed me! Now go get Potter!" roared The Dark Lord. Every Death Eater except Malfoy, who was clearly unconscious, quickly fled. "Did you not hear me, Malfoy? Crucio!"

Molfoy was awake and screaming in pain. "I said get Potter!"

"Yes my Lord," gasped Malfoy who began crawling desperately toward the exit.

"Move faster! Crucio!" Malfoy writhed silently, no longer able to shriek.

"My Lord, please!" pleaded Malfoy.

"Crucio!"

Malfoy gave up any attempts to reason with his master or to escape, and simply slumped onto the ground.

"Move you worthless idiot! Crucio! Crucio! Get Potter! Crucio! Crucio! Crucio!" Malfoy was foaming at the mouth and delirious, but still writhed in pain every time the curse was applied.

Suddenly Snape appeared holding a struggling Harry Potter.

"Excellent work, Severus. Crucio!" Snape was on the floor squealing in pain. Harry was too shocked to try to escape.

"Now, Potter, prepare to die!" Voldemort cackled in glee. "But first, I need to summon my Death Eaters to punish them for their failure!"

Voldemort touched Snape's Dark Mark and they all appeared.

"You have all failed me! Crucio!" Voldemort put every Death Eater under the Cruciatus Curse, including Snape.

"Now, Potter, prepare to die!" Voldemort pointed his wand at Potter and shot the Killing Curse. McNair had jumped in front of Harry, and the curse struck him.

"Idiot! Crucio!" Voldemort once again tortured his followers.

"Now, Potter, prepare to die!" Unfortunately for the Voldemort, Yaxley had jumped in the way and took the curse.

This was repeated several more times until finally the curse hit Harry. As expected, it bounced off the boy and hit Voldemort instead, who with a loud shriek was once again reduced to a bodiless spirit.

"Thank you!" Lucius threw himself at Harry's feet. The other Death Eater's soon followed. Harry looked confused.

"Kill us, Potter! Please! Give us the Kiss if you must! Before --"

"Cowards! Crucio!" The Death Eaters began writhing in pain as Voldemort poofed back into his body. "I will not be defeated that easily! Avada Kedavra!"

For once in his life, Harry Potter died.

"I win! You have all failed! Crucio! Crucio! Crucio! Crucio! You have failed me! Crucio!"

The Death Eaters writhed and screamed for several minutes.

"Now that you are suitably punished, we can get back to work."

"Can we start killing half bloods, master?" asked Goyle.

"Of course not. I'm a half blood."

This revelation was met by shock and horror.

"Filth!" shrieked Bellatrix.

"Son of a mudblood!" shrieked Alecto.

"What are you going to do about it?" asked Voldemort.

His followers had no response.

"Excellent. Now bring me Potter!"

"My Lord --"

"Crucio! Do not question my orders!"

Suddenly Draco Malfoy appeared.

"I don't have to serve you, Voldyshorts! Voldypants! Mudbloods are just as good as purebloods! I love Neville Longbottom!"

"Nonsense," Voldemort interjected. "You are a Veela who must find your soulmate, Argus Filth, and have sex with him within the next two days or you will die."

"How the hell do you know, Voldypants?"

"That is none of your concern. I suggest you leave, because my followers appear to be planning surprise buttsecks." Draco Disapparated immediately.

Voldemort tortured his followers for good measure.

"My Lord, could you please go easily on me?" Snape begged.

"Crucio! No!"

"My Lord, I'm pregnant!" Snape pleaded.

Voldemort looked down at the man, and saw that he did indeed have what appeared to be a beer gut. He fought the sudden urge to vomit that overcame him.

"You're pregnant? I thought you were a wizard!"

"I am a wizard, my Lord."

"Wizards do not get pregnant, and you are sure as hell not a veela."

"It's magic, my Lord."

"Why did you not inform me sooner, Severus? I am happy to put you out of your misery."

"My Lord?"

"You mean you want to have a little ass baby?"

Snape's expression told the Dark Lord everything he needed to know.

"Avada Kedavra!"