My thanks to scarylady1 and WellspringCD for beta services, and to WellspringCD and lisakodysam for moral support and encouragement. Thank you to everyone who read chapter 1, especially those who reviewed and/or put this on alert. I'm delighted to know that some people liked this enough to do that!

"How unhappy is he who cannot forgive himself." Publilius Syrus

The following day, having ascertained that the poisoned brandy had been destroyed, Teagan went back to Jowan's old room and sorted through his pitifully few belongings. There were some loose papers covered in a strange script that was unfamiliar to Teagan, a tattered map of Ferelden and a couple of books that appeared to have been borrowed from Redcliffe's library. Teagan looked at the spines; one was an account of the rebellion, the other appeared to be an academic text on mathematics. He gathered them all up and took the journal out of his pocket, then headed to Jowan's room.

Teagan nodded at Hobson as the guard unlocked the door. Teagan shivered as he entered the room; both of the windows were wide open. Jowan was standing near one of the windows, arms folded tight across his chest. His expression was wary as Teagan entered the room and Hobson closed the door behind him.

"I brought the rest of your things from your old room." Jowan looked much better. He was clean, at least. The breeches and shirt hung loosely on him. Teagan hadn't realised how thin he was. Although tall, he was slightly built, but the filthy robes had obscured that. He'd also lost weight during his incarceration. The sleeves of his shirt hid the bracelets at his wrists. He didn't look like a mage at all, just a pale, thin young man.

"Th-thank you." Jowan sounded uncertain, surprised even.

Teagan set the things down on the table. He saw Jowan's eyes dart to the journal, then back to him.

"Yes, I read it."

"It's not like there was anything in there that you didn't already know." Jowan shrugged.

"No." Except ' I must say, he fills out his breeches very well.' Teagan stifled the unexpected desire to grin, reminding himself that this man had poisoned his brother. He frowned and pulled the papers out from under the journal.

"What are these?"

"That's ancient Tevinter. I just translated some of the book I was reading, to keep my hand in."

Teagan was puzzled. "Why didn't you write your journal in Tevinter? No-one would have been able to read it then."

"I don't know. Everything was just going around and around in my head. I just wanted to get it out." Jowan snorted softly. "After all, it's not like I could talk to anyone about it."

"So why did you stop? The entries stop weeks before your actions were uncovered."

"It wasn't helping. It didn't make anything better." Jowan turned, staring out of the window. "There was no profound revelation of how I could make everything right." The bitterness in Jowan's voice was unmistakeable.

Teagan shivered as a gust of wind sent the curtains billowing. "Aren't you cold?" The question was asked before he could stop it.

"Yes, I'm cold." Jowan turned his head and a wry grin flashed across his face. "As you know, the last time I tried to get warm, I ended up in all sorts of trouble."

"You could just close the window."

Jowan laughed, genuinely amused. "Only someone who hasn't been locked in a tower for the last seventeen years could suggest something like that."

"Rafe told me they had windows in the tower."

"They had locked windows in the tower. Too many jumpers."

Teagan winced and changed the subject. "There are a couple of books there; they were in your room. I can bring you some more from the library."

"Thank you. That would help pass the time."

"Is there anything in particular?"

This time Jowan turned right around and smiled. "You should just lock me up in your library; I could spend years in there. Whatever comes to your hand. I'm sure it will be interesting."

~o~O~o

Teagan refilled his glass and stared morosely into the fire. Jowan's words had been bothering him all day. 'They had locked windows in the tower. Too many jumpers.' This was what Connor would have to endure. Jowan said he had been locked in the tower for seventeen years already; he was only a young man, in his early twenties. He could reasonably expect to live another forty or fifty years. Maker, I'd go mad! But they did let mages out sometimes, Teagan knew they did. There were sometimes healers, accompanied by templars, of course. There had been a court mage once, although when the last one had retired, she hadn't been replaced. Teagan remembered Rowan telling tales of a mage who'd served his father and fought during the rebellion; the man had apparently been accompanied by a walking statue. Teagan sipped his wine and resolved to ask Jowan more about life at the tower.

He really didn't know what to make of the young man. On the one hand, Jowan had poisoned his brother, yet... Teagan frowned, trying to remember his first impressions of Connor's 'tutor'. He shuffled uncomfortably, recalling he'd found the man attractive. He remembered him as softly spoken, rather self-effacing but with lively eyes and a wry smile. I remember noticing his hands. Teagan gulped his wine, scowling. Jowan tried to kill Eamon and may yet succeed! Teagan recalled the entries in the journal. He'd mentioned a girl but... ' I could never have made her happy because it would be impossible for her to make me happy.' Teagan finished his wine and set the glass down, irritated with himself. He was tired and it was late; he should go to bed. It served no purpose to sit up into the small hours, brooding.

~o~O~o

Teagan looked up as Hobson appeared in the doorway of Eamon's study.

"I jes' wanted you to know, I'm off, m'lord. Carrick's up there now. He'll be 'ere until the mornin'."

"Very good, Hobson. Thank you. How's he been?"

"Quiet as a mouse, m'lord. I've barely 'eard a peep out of 'im."

Teagan nodded; he hadn't really expected anything else. Hobson's report had been the same for the last three nights. "Good night, Hobson. I'll see you in the morning."

"G'night, m'lord."

Teagan turned his attention back to the papers on Eamon's desk. There wasn't really anything else he could do until tomorrow; he'd finally got everything up to date. He wondered idly what to do with himself. Connor was already abed. He sighed. He'd spent too many nights sinking a bottle of Navarran red before retiring; maybe he should just go to bed with a book, but it felt too early. On an impulse, he went to the library to fetch the chess set, then set off towards Jowan's room.

Carrick snapped to attention as Teagan appeared in the corridor. "M'lord."

"Carrick. Is he still up?"

"I reckon so, m'lord." Teagan winced when Carrick rapped loudly on the door, shouting. "Oi! You still up, mage? 'Is lordship's 'ere."

A faint reply to the affirmative came through the stout door.

"He's still up, m'lord." Carrick unlocked the door and threw it open.

Teagan entered the room and couldn't help rolling his eyes as Carrick slammed the door shut behind him. Jowan had been seated at the table, but stood when Teagan entered. The table was covered with papers; an open book lay face down on top of them.

"Bann Teagan." Jowan bowed his head briefly. "Thank you for the books, they're really interesting."

"You liked them? I noticed you had a book of mathematics in your room, but I wasn't sure if it was something you were reading for yourself, or something you were using to teach Connor... "

"Oh, no! They were fine, really." Jowan's face lit up, Teagan didn't think he'd ever seen him look so animated during their short acquaintance. "I love mathematics, but we don't get much time on it at the tower. If I hadn't been a mage, I think I would have liked to be a scholar. I was always much better at the theory of magic than its practical application." His face fell. "If you have magical ability, you're only allowed to be a mage."

Teagan was startled. It had never occurred to him that mages could be good at anything else, might even be better at something else than magic. He saw Jowan look curiously at the box under his arm.

"I was bored and at a loose end. I wondered if you'd indulge me with a game of chess."

"It's not like I have anything else to do." There it was again, that wry smile.

"You seem to be keeping yourself busy," said Teagan, glancing at the desk.

"Nothing that won't keep until tomorrow... or the day after... or the day after." Jowan picked up the book and closed it, then gathered up the papers and tossed the whole lot on the bed. He turned back to Teagan with a look of consternation on his face. "Um... there's only one chair."

Teagan called through the door to Carrick, sending him to bring another chair.

"I wasn't expecting visitors." Jowan's lips twisted in that quirky smile again.

Teagan frowned. I wish he would stop doing that! He set the chess board down on the table and opened it up, moving the quill and ink to the top of a nearby dresser. While he was setting up the pieces, Carrick entered, bringing another chair. Teagan thanked him absently, his attention on the board.

"White or black?" asked Teagan.

"Black."

"How old were you when you entered the tower?" Teagan pondered the board and made his opening move.

"'Entered' makes it sound so innocuous." Jowan studied the board and moved a pawn. "If you want to know how old I was when I was dragged, kicking and screaming, to the tower... I was five."

"That seems awfully young." Teagan's eyes flicked over the board and he made his move.

Jowan shrugged and his eyes darted up to meet Teagan's before he returned his scrutiny to the chess board. "It's not unusual. Most children display their magic pretty young. I saw children as young as three brought in, and it's rare for magic to manifest as late as it has in Connor. The only person I know who'd manifested later than Connor is Anders; I suspect he found a way to suppress his magic, he's very talented."

"I wonder why Connor took so long to show his magic." Teagan returned his attention to the board and moved his piece.

"It's usually precipitated by some kind of conflict or crisis. I suppose, being an arl's son, Connor hasn't encountered much conflict."

"So, what happened when yours manifested?" Teagan watched Jowan examining the board. For a moment, he wasn't sure Jowan was going to answer.

"I got into a fight with an older boy; he was bullying my little sister. There was a flash and he ran off screaming." Jowan lifted his eyes briefly, his lips twisting in that small smile. "Lightning. Ironic really, as I'm pretty poor at primal magic." He looked back at the board, his hand hovering over a pawn. "There was a huge rumpus and the next day my father took me down to the chantry and left me there."

Jowan moved his pawn and leaned back in his chair. "Some kids have it a lot worse. I've known some whose parents beat them and locked them up. At least my father did look genuinely sorry to be leaving me there, but... when he looked at me, I could see th-that he was s-scared too." Jowan suddenly leaped up from his chair and went over to the windows, pushing them to, but not closing them completely. He stood for a moment, hunched over, arms tight across his middle.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bring up painful memories."

"It's all right; I just haven't thought about it for a long time." Jowan returned to his seat. "Have you made your move?"

"What? Oh, no." Teagan glanced at the board and moved a piece. "What's it like living in the tower?"

Teagan saw Jowan hesitate, saw the question in his eyes. "I would know the truth. What can Connor expect?"

"You mean what's it like to be locked up? Knowing that you'll probably be locked up for your whole life. Told when and what to eat, what to wear, what to study. Never having any privacy, sharing a room with others... a room that doesn't even have a door. Being watched constantly, not just your every waking moment, but while you're asleep. You live, sleep, even bathe in full view of other people." Jowan's voice grew bitter. "I imagine you think that being locked up in this room is awful, you think you'd hate it. You have no idea. It's bliss! A whole room to myself with windows and a door." Jowan returned his attention to the chess board, taking his time before he made his move.

"You must have some privacy," argued Teagan. "Your journal mentioned a girl, Lily. You'd formed an attachment to her?"

Jowan scowled. "I suppose you could say that. Yeah, mages form attachments, usually with each other." He glanced at Teagan. "I suppose you think that's romantic? I assure you it's not. Like I said, there's no privacy. If you're lucky, you can snatch a few minutes alone in an alcove or a storeroom for a fast fuck but you have to be quick about it." He laughed. "We always said that's why mages wear robes, easy access without having to get undressed and it's not quite so humiliating when the templars catch you."

Teagan felt his face flush. There had always been rumours about the mages in the tower, their promiscuity; tales of lewd and lascivious behaviour. Jowan's version was much less titillating. He grabbed one of his pieces and moved it. "Lily was a mage?"

"No, she was a chantry initiate." Jowan sighed, his face full of regret. "The tower chantry is one of the few places, in there, where you can get away from other people. I used to like to go in there, to think. We just got talking." He shrugged, and the wry smile tugged at his mouth. "I've never attracted much attention from girls; it's like they know... that I'm not interested, I mean."

Teagan saw the uncertainty in Jowan's face; however, having read his journal, it wasn't a surprise; he kept his face neutral and waited for Jowan to continue.

"I suppose I was flattered, and a bit curious... I'd never tried... And I really did like her, as a person, a friend." He turned his attention back to the chess board and made his move. Teagan winced; he'd almost made a similar mistake in his own youth, although for different reasons. In the end, his conviction that he needed to be true to himself had overcome his belief that he should 'do his duty and marry a nice girl', as Eamon had put it.

"But that's not enough, is it?" Teagan leaned back in his chair and watched the emotions playing across Jowan's face. His account of life in the tower was far harsher that Teagan had expected. Teagan quashed a fledgling impulse of compassion, holding onto the outrage he felt, that this man had tried to murder his brother.

"No. She said she loved me and I just froze. I didn't know what to say, how to tell her... I didn't want to hurt her. Then the rumours started, that I was a blood mage. I've no idea who started it, or why."

"But you are a blood mage." Teagan shuddered at the memory of the ritual Jowan had performed.

"True, but I wasn't at that point. I only sought it out when Lily told me that Greagoir was pressuring Irving to make me tranquil. I hoped it would make be a better mage. It's ironic that it turned out to be the one school of magic that I'm truly talented at. Besides, I thought that if I was going to be punished for something, it might as well be for something that was true. And it's not like I ever intended to use it. Lily and I planned to run away, get married and just live like normal people. No magic, no chantry... just us."

"So what went wrong?"

Jowan got up and started to pace. Haltingly, he told Teagan about their plan to destroy his phylactery; how they'd needed Rafe's help but having agreed, Rafe went to the First Enchanter. He related how, in desperation, he'd resorted to blood magic when Greagoir had threatened them with Aeonar, and Lily's revulsion at his actions. That, more than anything, seemed most painful to him.

"Poor Lily. She thought she was so brave, loving a mage, but in the end, she was just like everyone else."

Teagan was startled at the note of sadness in Jowan's voice.

"But you did escape," pointed out Teagan.

"Oh, yes, I escaped." Jowan laughed bitterly. "All I had were the robes on my back. No money, no food, nothing. I had no idea where to go or what to do, to get even the most basic necessities. It was almost a relief when that damned templar caught me. When I was taken to Loghain instead of the tower it was almost enough to make me believe in the Maker, until I found out what he wanted me to do."

"You could have refused." Teagan felt a flash of anger.

"I had no choice!"

Teagan stood so abruptly, his chair fell backwards. "You could have refused. There is always a choice."

"Yes, I could have refused, and Loghain would have handed me straight over to the chantry. I couldn't face going back to the tower." Jowan was yelling now. "Once I was back there, they would have killed me. There's nothing like a public execution to keep all the other mages in line, in case they're tempted to dabble. We don't even get to die in private!"

Teagan advanced on Jowan, shoving him backwards. "In your journal, you said you'd rather die than go back to the tower." Teagan pushed Jowan again, until the mage was backed against the wall. "Was that just words?"

"I just wanted to live!" screamed Jowan. "I'm almost twenty-three years old and apart from a few short years that I can barely remember, and a few weeks on the run, I've been locked up; condemned to a mockery of life! I thought... I thought that if I did this, I could have a life, a proper life." Jowan sagged against the wall, his anger fleeing. He closed his eyes against the sudden tears that threatened. "I-I... understand now... that's not possible f-for someone l-like me... a m-mage. It's all I can ever be."

Teagan watched as Jowan opened his eyes, tears spilling down his face.

"If Loghain asked me now, I would refuse. I can't have a life, I've accepted that now," whispered Jowan, closing his eyes again.

Teagan found himself horrified at Jowan's despair. His anger fled as the compassion he'd felt earlier flared again. He lifted his hands, brushing away the tears on Jowan's face; then he was kissing him, cradling Jowan's face in his hands. Teagan felt Jowan tense, then he relaxed and kissed him back enthusiastically. Teagan stepped forward, pressing his body against the mage's thin frame. He felt Jowan shudder, felt the other man's arousal as he pressed against him. Oh, Maker! I shouldn't be doing this; Jowan is a prisoner!

Jowan whimpered as Teagan pulled away from him. He stared in confusion as Teagan gave him an agonised look, then strode towards the door, calling for Carrick to unlock it.