Tartarus is a horrible, desolate wasteland, filled with no possible forms of sustenance. This is an important part of what makes it so horrible to live in for monsters.

Naturally, this is no problem for Percy, because he has trained his body to survive without food. How? He eats rocks. That's the answer. He has, miraculously, trained his body to be able to survive off of rocks and nothing else.

How do you think Percy's rock-hard abs are so… rock-hard? They're made of rocks, obviously! Of course, this is Percy's greatest secret. Nobody else in the novel is allowed to have rock-hard abs because they do not know Percy's secret rock-eating technique, which means that no matter how much muscle they have, their abs will never be literally as hard as rock.

This is the only way Percy is superior to Darren, the evil lookalike/twin.

Back to the st- chappie! Because all thirteen year-old girls say chappie instead of story!

Percy, bounding across the hellscape of Tartarus, faces many monsters. Of course, he manages to get away every time, because he can. They dissolve into monster dust, and he conveniently never sees any of them again even though monsters reform in Tartarus and he is in Tartarus.

Naturally, Percy makes a campfire one night. (Is there night in Tartarus? Isn't it too hot for a fire? Aren't there flaming lava rivers everywhere? Won't it attract attention?) And, as Percy lays in front of the fire he begins thinking of Nico Di Angelo, his best friend, cousin, and love interest.

Wow, Percy thinks, clearly picturing Nico's face, He's sooooooo hot. But, like, emo hot. Toungue piercings (like the one Nico has) are soooooooo hot.

Percy begins thinking about all the nice things Nico has done for him, like romantically not killing him, romantically holding his hand, and romantically kissing him when he thought Percy was asleep. Percy thinks back on these things in silence.

Wow, he thinks, what a shame. Guess our relationship is completely platonic and he has no interest in me. Maybe PErcy starts crying. Boo-hoo. Poor Percy. His love interest CLEARLY doesn't like him back. There is no way hand-holding or kissing could possibly be romantic.

Naturally Percy falls asleep thinking about all the things Nico (his little cousin like wtf PErcy) does that are cute/hot/endearing. Nothing attacks him, steals his stuff, or kills him in his sleep. Why? I said so.

The next day Percy wakes up to see Nico next to the fire as welll.

"Oh my gods! Nico! What are you doing here?!" He yells, waking Nico up. Mrs. O'Leary keeps sleeping, because the author ha made her temporarily deaf along with literally every other monster in a two mile radius.

"Oh, Percy," Nico says, blushing, just to ensure that the reader knows that YES, NICO DI ANGELO CRUSHES BACK ON PERCY IF U DIDNT GET IT ALREADY.

"I followed you here using my secret underworld skills because I love you. Platonically." He says, and at the last part his eyes shift back and forth. He is clearly lying, but Percy doesn't know what basic body language is or is too stupid to tell.

"Wow, coolio Nico! Thanks!" Naturally, he doesn't ask any questions, because why sould he? Nico will tell him what he needs to know.

"Okay." Nico says, entirely out of the blue. "We gotta get outta here before we die." Nico cannot survive on rocks like Percy, so for him this is a legitimate concern. "I didn't bring anything but myself, my sword, and some emo makeup."

"I'm fine with that." Percy says, because of course he is. "I needed to touch up my eyeliner anyways." He opens Nicos bag and dumps it out on the ground. "Oh. my. Gosh. Is this the new tarte palette?!" He flips the palette lid open, and immediately begins smearing the darkest shade he can find around his eyes. "OMG! Neeks, I love it!1!111!" nico blushes, to make his crush super obvious.

"Thanks Percy! This is totally a priority right now! After all, we can't appear anywhere without at least some thick eyeliner."

"True dat." Percy says, because he is no longer just angsty Percy, he is peppy angsty Percy. After applying their 12342344412oiu layers of eyeliner, they set out again, Percy now wearing a bunch of hot metal jewelry around open lava pits. The jewelry doesn't burn him or Nico. They are both perfectly fine.

Suddenly, a monster appears!

It's a _ monster! Percy jumps off Ms. O'Leary's back and starts hacking away at it, but the monster is just too strong! (Even though Percy literally defeated like a titan and a giant and a shit-ton of the exact same monster multiple times)

"(Insert clever quip)!" PErcy yells, and the _ roars, swiping at him. Oh no! Percy got hit, and the wound looks seriously serious!

Nico jump in, pushing the_ back and killing it, before rushing to Percy's side.

"Oh no!" He yells, kneeling next to PeRCy "You're dying!"

"I'm okay neeks," Percy replies weakly, coughing up blood. "I'm fine."

"No, you're not! You're dyyyyyyiiiinnnngggggggg!111!11!"

"No I'm not," Percy says as the light begins fading from his eyes. "... okay maybe I am."

"No, Percy, don't goooooooooooo!" Nico screams, and Percy's body begins to go limp in his arms. "I looooovveeeee yooooouuuuuuuuu!111!11"

"Yay," Percy says, blood dripping from his mouth (this is to show that he's dying) "That's coolio. Nico," he says weakly (because, plot twist, he's dying) "I….. Love you….toooo…..bleh." and he dies in Nico's arms.

"Oh no!" Nico cries, dropping Percy's body abruptly on the ground, "He's dead! What a horrible twist! What an awful excuse for a side quest! I'm suddenly completely useless! What could I, a demigod, celebrated war hero, decently-educated Prince of the Underworld possibly do about my dead cousin/love interest?!" He walks off into the distance, wailing. "It's not like I can revive him with some secret underworld technique or anything!" Nico stops dead in his tracks. "Oh wait!" He says, suddenly happy, and smacks himself in the forehead. "I can!"

One may wonder why he didn't do this to his sister. THe thing isssssss there is a prerequisite and that prerequisite is that they have to be soooouuuulllmates.

Nico is like 99% sure Percy's his soulmate because

He loves Percy and…..

Aphrodite one day, completely, out-of-the blue, gave him helpful love-life info INCLUDING a highly detailed description of his soulmate's appearance without once mentioning his name.

This makes total, absolute sense. Nico, now ready to escape Tartarus, prepares for his super-emo, super-cool journey to restore PErcy to his former status as a living member of society. Because its not like he can see him in the Underworld, being the Underworld Prince and all. That would be ridiculous. He'd rather use the once-in-seven-hundred-years soulmate revive spell thingy.

Nico, determined to revive Percy, now begins his super-dangerous quest through Tartarus!

What could possibly happen next?!

AN

Okay, that's that!

I don't own pjo or any brand names mentioned in this fic.

Hated it? Got some suggestions? Needs salt? Tell me in the comments!

(BTWs if you haven't already noticed, this is a parody.)

Imma do my best to finish this, even if it turns out like shit, so, MOTIVATION! Comments feed me!

ALSO! I'm looking for a beta reader for my other (actually kinda serious ) fic, Blood/Sweat/Tears. It's for BNHA, and if you wanna get an idea of what's going on (ships, type of beta im looking for, etc.) go read the first chapter, or at least the AN at the end of the first chapter. It's already up on both AO3 and FF, and I'm fine with working through google docs.

Thanks for reading!