A/N : During ME1, Shepard used to be an efficient, ruthless renegade, making her foes cower in fear. However, Cerberus massively screwed up her resurrection : she is now a lovely little peach, a gentle paragon. All her crew, though, are renegade assholes, including EDI. Shepard tries to limit collateral damage, and generally fails. And, Liara is part of the crew, just because.
This mini crack fic was inspired by "Shepard: Mass Murderer" by thebluninja, and "Ship-sinking in the Galaxy" by maverick1971kit.
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Normandy : Shuttle Bay
Shepard was briefing Grunt and Zaeed about their next mission, pacing the room while talking, and stopping once in a while, her foot nervously tapping the floor.
"Please, please, please, not like last time, OK ? We get inside that ship, and rescue the hostage. Period."
Zaeed had a mean chuckle while pretending to check his rifle. Grunt smirked "Commander, don't worry. It can't possibly go worse than last time. He, he."
Shepard answered with a gonna kill you stare. "I know ! That's the whole fucking point !"
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Normandy : Mordin's Lab
This was the best place to come for relationship advice.
Kelly had gently offered her shoulder for Liara to cry on. She was holding her and trying to cheer her up, while Mordin and Jack were standing around, doing their best, but Liara was having a really serious breakdown. Kelly's shirt was soaked with tears already, and Liara showed no signs of stopping.
Liara sobbed. "You know... I love Shepard so, so much ! And she doesn't seem interested !"
Jack pragmatically observed "Liara, you had mind-sex with almost everyone on this ship except Shepard."
This threw poor Liara into an even worse sobbing fit. Eventually, after sniffling something enormous and swallowing it, she managed "Y-you know, we asari can only cum while melding... so we need friends with benefits... otherwise we j-j-just go insane. But Shepard is d-different !"
Mordin confirmed. "Yes. Asari maidens always frustrated. Obsessed. Explains the dancing and whoring. Research opportunity ? Open for some tests ? Need date rape drug ?"
Kelly absent-mindedly put her hand on her crest, which resulted in a shiver, and a completely desperate "Please stop, it turns me on !"
Kelly suggested "Maybe if you did more missions with Shepard ?..."
"I'm an archaeologist, not a soldier ! Last time, Shepard ran out of medigel because of me, I was so ashamed !"
As Kelly was about to propose a private consultation, Liara sobbed "I love her so much, I'd do anything for her ! I'd kill for her !"
EDI's hologram glowed red for a second as she asked "How many ?"
While Liara wondered what she could honestly answer to that, they heard the Super-Thanix cannon charging, then firing three full power shots with a sharp "pang". A muffled "Bullseye !" came through from Garrus' gun control room.
EDI informed "Mission accomplished.".
"I may have projected that Shepard's choice of squadmates for the next mission would have left no survivors anyway. I remind you, last time, Grunt ate what remained of the hostage after frying everyone to a crisp with napalm grenades."
"Liara, Shepard will soon be alone, very depressed in her cabin, and in need of … counseling. I suggest you take advantage of this opportunity."
Liara cheered up. "Really ? Oh, EDI, you are such a great friend ! Thank you !"
After cleaning up her face, she rushed to the elevator, Kelly and Jack in tow. When they reached Shepard's cabin door, small sobs could be heard through, and Liara froze, too shy to go in.
Kelly whispeder "Come on... She's too nice to say no to anyone... but you're the only one to actually deserve her."
"I... I can't..."
Kelly did what she had to. Namely, she grabbed Liara, covered her neck with burning kisses and caressed her crest until she began to moan and lose control, then she kicked the door open, and shoved Liara through.
Jack and Kelly giggled, locked the door from the outside, high-fived, and ran away.
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A/N : More incoming, depending on inspiration. Suggestions or ideas welcome (via Review or PM !). More innocents need to die.