Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN –MAN.
Summary: Two years ago, Kanda threw something akin to his life – something he long ago forbidden himself to desire – but he did anyway. "To tell you the truth, I've just been avoiding everything."
A/N I: More flashbacks. And more flashbacks. Thanks for those six wonder people who reviewed. Arigatou gozaimasu!
waterlit/The Puppeteer Master/Timeless Moment/EXO718/BlueStar/Kichou
Unbeta'ed.
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Entrapment
Christopher
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Hopelessly bound
unfettered
by the chains of love's grip
- greatest gift,
fate's cruelest curse.
Wherefore do I weep
at knowing the joy,
the warmth,
at feeling the peace,
the fire.
Wherefore do I weep
unable to complete,
to be,
unknown the kiss,
the flames.
Wherefore do I weep
at loving not living
seeing not touching
breathing not sharing
holding not loving?
All,
because I,
The Fool,
am no more?
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.
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Kanda, age seventeen, was walking down the deserted hallway early in the morning, where the mansion's personal library dwelled near the room where Allen usually sleeps whenever he was in the manor. The room officially became his own thanks to their uncle who visibly sparkled upon learning the kid's frequent sleep-overs. He was downright ecstatic, actually.
That happened five years ago.
"That'll be so great Allen-kun! You, living here with me, Lavi-kun and Yuu-kun!"
"N-no, Mr. Tiedoll. I'm just borrowing the room and –"
"Nonsense! Treat that room as yours. Decorate it, bring your favorite stuff toy and you can even bring Mana with you!"
The kid, gaping at the moment suddenly perked with interest.
"I c-can bring M-mana, Mr. Tiedoll?"
"Of course you can but in one condition."
"W-what is it?"
"You will call me Uncle Froi from now on!"
So in short, the room became Allen's. Lavi couldn't be more happy.
Kanda sighed in exasperation when he saw the kid's room door opened. Leaving the room open – that's just like Allen. He slowly approached the room but as he held the door knob to close it, he saw a black figure moved inside Allen's room. He instantly thought of thieves. He readied himself to charge to confront and gnaw the bastard to death but he immediately halted when he saw who the figure was.
Lavi.
He stopped and was forced to observe his cousin's movements. He was hovering in the bed where Allen was deeply asleep. The room's dark but Kanda can clearly see his cousin's silhouette inside. For some unknown reason, his heart ramming within his chesty and an unpleasant feeling was thrashing feverishly across his mind was invading his reason. He peeked through the slightly cracked door and listened agitatedly.
"…for so long…" Kanda heard the murmurings vaguely resonating inside the dark room. His heart was pounding madly as he unconsciously fisted his right hand while gripping the door knob with his other hand tightly.
There's nothing wrong with this. I'm just curious, that is all. He tried to reason to himself.
Kanda snugly closed his eyes and tried to calm his breathe.
Nothing wrong… Nothing wrong… Nothing wro –
"I love you… Allen… I loved you for so long…"
Kanda's eyes abruptly opened as his face paled.
Inside, he saw Lavi gently kissed the sleeping kid.
Kanda suddenly find it so hard to breathe. He trembled as he forced himself to walk away from the room – his mind kept on replaying what he saw.
Allen's a good kid, Yuu.
.
He's important to me.
.
Do you know how much the kid cried when he saw my wound? The kid's an angel…
.
I'm going to his room. He's having a little problem sleeping alone you see.
.
You will like him, Yuu.
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I like him.
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"I love you… Allen… I loved you for so long…"
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Kanda stumbled on his way to his room forgetting the real reason why he was out here in the first place. He saw his hands quivering and violently shaking.
Lavi loves Allen.
.
I-I brought you y-your p-present… K-kanda-nii…
Kanda-nii! Kanda-nii!
You're hair so soft… I love it!
Kanda-nii! Tincamppy and Rhode will going to play with me today! With you like to join with us?
You love me, right, Kanda-nii?
…love you… Kanda-nii… You won't leave me, right? Lavi-nii and Kanda-nii will always be with me… right?
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Kanda cupped his head and stared at the cold floor, horrified.
It can't be. This can't be happening.
These feelings… It can't be!
Kanda-nii!
"Shut up…" He was gripping his hair tightly while repeating the same words over and over again.
…love you… Kanda-nii… You won't leave me, right?
"Shut up."
You won't leave me, right?
His grip tightened even more.
You love me, right, Kanda-nii?
"I SAID, SHUT THE FUCK UP!"
Kanda felt the last control he had over his head finally break. He gripped the first thing he grab with his hands and threw it to the nearest wall, smashing into millions of pieces. He was creating a mad rampage and he fucking didn't care. Vases, chairs, desks, even the most priced paintings of his uncle – they all met the same fate that day.
Broken.
Because that's what Kanda was feeling at that moment – his world was slowly and gradually falling apart. His chest felt like it was being pound with a heavy pounder, crushing his ribs and heart, not letting him breathe while destroying the little sanity he have over himself.
You love me, right, Kanda-nii?
"Shut up, damn moyashi." He snarled, clenching his teeth. "I hate you. I hate you. I FUCKING HATE YOU!"
He was hurting. That, he all know of.
He was hurting and he cannot do anything about it.
But there was nothing he could do to stop himself in feeling it.
Because Allen wouldn't just let him. The little creep wouldn't let him.
"Fuck you, Allen Walker."
On his hurting state, Kanda find himself reminiscing a part of him he didn't know had been born because of Allen.
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Kanda-nii!
What? You're so loud, moyashi. What heck's you're problem?
Mana said that Lavi-nii and Kanda-nii will leave tomorrow…
Idiot. We are just going to buy a new painting for the house! We'll back in the afternoon.
A-are you sure?
Sure as hell.
The kid suddenly hugged him.
…love you… Kanda-nii… You won't leave me, right?
Kanda's eyes flickered with something akin to tenderness. Something you will never catch lingering on the raven's eyes – ever.
You won't leave me, right?
You love me, right, Kanda-nii?
Yeah.
He ruffled the kid's soft white manes and smiled – a little.
Kanda-nii…
So, don't cry...
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I love you, Allen. Very much. So don't cry…
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"Maybe, in the end,
the answer really isn't so complex.
A burden born by one can
often grow too heavy to bear.
Maybe in the end,
each of us knows that sharing our pain
is the only way we can live with the hurt."
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