She had this iPod. It looked like any other Midgardian iPod only it was not. It was her work device that no one touched except for her. It was actually a magical gift dish from her father that she'd named Hunger before Loki calmly mentioned that it was supposed to be used for scrying rather than eating. It was a shape-shifting object that could change to whatever form suited her and was her means of skyping and messaging her secretaries or administrators or other people in Niflheim who were in dire need of her immediate judgment. And it played good music.
And SHIELD had just taken it away.
She tried not to panic. It was highly unlikely that SHIELD would expect anything to be on that device, it being the shape of an iPod. And surely her secretaries had it covered down there.
Her uncle and Jane had set off to retrieve the stuff and his magical hammer - which she'd never managed (or bothered) to pronounce correctly - but knowing her uncle's arrogance and hot-headedness, she wasn't counting on getting her magical dish back anytime soon.
Darcy knew never to Google herself - Everyone knew not to Google themselves unless they were utterly bored and in need of some comic relief. But when Erik added the new addition to the coffee table she couldn't help but pick it up and start flipping through the heavily abridged and illustrated version of Tales of Norse Mythology.
Odin, they just couldn't get her half-nose right, could they?
"I can't just leave him there..." Jane was saying as she paced the empty lab.
"Why not?" asked Erik.
"You didn't see what happened," insisted Jane. True, but Darcy had a pretty good idea of what'd happened given Thor's saddeningly predictable tendency to drive his fist into everything he saw.
"Hey! Mew mew!" Wow, this illustration made it look more impressive than it actually was.
Jane glanced over and finally noticed the book. She stared pointedly at Erik. "Where did you find this?"
"In the children's section," Erik muttered, swiping the book right from under Darcy's nose. "I wanted to show you how ridiculous his story was."
"Aren't you the one who's always told me to chase down all leads, all possibilities?" asked Jane.
"I was talking about science, not magic!" exclaimed Erik, exasperated.
"'Magic's just science we don't understand yet'," Jane quoted. "Arthur C. Clarke."
"Who wrote science fiction," Erik deadpanned.
"The precursor of science fact."
"In some cases."
"If that's really an Einstein-Rosen Bridge out there, then there's something on the other side. Advanced beings could have come through it before!"
"Jane..."
"A primitive culture like the Vikings might have worshipped them as deities," Darcy butted in finally.
The pairs of eyes landed on her, stunned. What, was she not entitled to some insightful commentary now and then?
"Y-Yes!" exclaimed Jane, breaking out of her momentary stupor. "Exactly, thank you!"
Darcy beamed at Erik.
The scientist caved. "Fine," he grumbled. "I'll go get him."
Darcy decided she could really do without the unexpected reunions, especially those that lost her a good cup of coffee.
Erik had just finished pointing out all the cons of Jane's explanation of the Yggdrasil - courtesy of Thor, obviously, although it baffled her to think why her uncle was hitting on Jane with a magical World Tree - when they found the Warriors Three's and Sif's smiling faces plastered against the glass door of the lab that morning.
Her fingers went numb with horror and panic, and her mug crashed onto the floor next to Erik's.
She mourned the coffee later. Niflheim didn't have a place for spilt coffee, but she figured she would have to deal with a very highly caffeinated Beethoven if there were, so she supposed it was for the best.
"My friends!" Thor ran forward to embrace his friends like a kid running towards a Christmas tree. "This is good!"
This was totally not good. If they recognized her...
Erik was muttering in disbelief and Jane's mouth was hanging open when Volstagg noticed them mortals.
"Oh excuse me," he said, chuckling goodheartedly. "The Lady Sif and the Warriors Three," he introduced, though from the look of Erik's face that revealed his childhood fanboyism, Jane was the only one who needed the introduction.
Then Sif's gaze landed on her. "Hela?"
Crap crap crap. Sif was someone she'd spent a lot of time learning to sword fight with, and unlike her uncle, Sif wouldn't forget a face.
She resorted to feigning ignorance. "Ummm...who?"
Sif's eyes only narrowed. Damn. Her 'play dumb' card had always worked on Jane and Erik, but Sif was a whole different situation.
"Hela?" echoed Thor, guffawing. "This is Lady Darcy Lewis! It would not do you well to compare this fair lady to that troublemaker of Hel, Sif."
Darcy didn't know whether to thank Thor or smack him. His offhanded insult had thrown Sif off, but not completely. She could still feel the female warrior's eyes on her as the conversation continued.
And then just when she thought nothing could worsen the situation, Grandpa Odin's Terminator dropped in town.
It took her a few seconds to remember who held Gungnir and thus who had sent the Destroyer, and when everyone else was out of earshot running helter-skelter to evacuate the town, she started cursing him with every profanity of every language of every realm.
After this, she decided as she picked up a stray dog and named it Baker while she ran, she was definitely going to arrange Thor and her father some sibling therapy sessions. Thorapy, she would call it.
Meanwhile, the futile attempts of the Warriors Three and Sif only seemed to irk the Destroyer like mosquitos did her arms. After a blast destroyed her favorite supermarket, Darcy was all ready to go all Lady Death on it.
But she could only imagine the shock and betrayal it would cause, not to mention the loss of an awesome mortal life here on Midgard. She wondered what Jane's face would look like -
Wait, what in Odin's beard was Thor doing?
'Suicide' was her number one guess when her uncle marched up to the destroyer and was instantly batted away like a rag doll.
Jane screamed as she ran. Sif's hand flew to her mouth. Erik looked like he'd had a heart attack.
Darcy looked down at her fingers, half-expecting the tingling as he slipped from the living.
There was nothing.
But he was nearly gone. Jane was weeping over his near-cold body.
He wasn't headed for Niflheim, then, which meant he must be headed for Valhalla. Which meant he was dying a worthy death. Which meant -
A sonic boom echoed in the distance as an object rocketed into the sky.
"Erik…" she alerted the old man to the incoming projectile.
Erik ran to Jane, pulling her from Thor's side just as Mew Mew hit his hand and promptly destroyed Darcy's retinas with his lightning display.
Her vision adjusted just enough to catch him back in his full glory, red cape and all, before he proceeded to pull a Hurricane Katrina around the Destroyer. One loud bang and one nuclear-like blast later, he emerged from the smoky aftermath of his level five storm in a badass walk towards Jane while it rained cars all around them.
Show off.
Some things never changed.
Darcy was overjoyed when Coulson told them they could have their things back. At least Thor had done one thing good for her today.
For Jane, she corrected herself. The minute he was done telling the agent off, he pulled Jane in and took off with her into the bright blue sky like a blond Superman, leaving the poor agent to splutter in the dust cloud he'd created.
As Erik went to liaise with Coulson and the Warriors Three engaged in a jovial recounting of Thor's amazing 'Return of the King' moment, she felt the presence of the female warrior beside her. "Hela."
Darcy sighed. Sif's persistence was greater than Thor's arrogance. "Aunt Sif."
The corner of Sif's lips twitched slightly, as if barely containing that triumph of being right. "Why are you here?"
"Curiosity," Darcy replied, shrugging half-heartedly. "And boredom. You get them after a few centuries of listening to Christopher Columbus repeating the tales of his voyages like a broken record."
"Why don't you tell him?'
"Who, Columbus? The guy's already depressed enough that he's dead. If I dampen his mood, he's gonna go on about voyages he could have taken if he'd lived a little longer, and trust me, that tale would take millennia to end."
"I meant Thor," drawled Sif.
"Oh. Well," She thought about it for a moment, before shrugging again. "I didn't want Thor messing up my human relations. And plus, It's fun."
Sif shook her head. "You're just like your father."
"Hey, I don't send Space Sauron after my brothers," Darcy protested (Although if she ever did, Fenris would probably devour it thinking it was the sun, Jormangundr would just treat it like a tin play toy and Sleipnir would most likely trample all over it).
Sif looked at her weirdly, probably wondering what mortal disease she was injecting into the Allspeak, but she seemed to get the message. "Loki…has been out of sorts lately. His mischief has become crueller and darkness grows in his heart. His motivations grow more…complicated than ever before."
"Well, give the guy a break," Darcy reasoned, "he just found out he's a Frost Giant."
"A what?"
Oops.
"We should go, Sif," said Volstagg, approaching the pair. "Thor will meet us at the Bifrost."
Thank you, Gimli.
Sif gave her the this-conversation-is-not-over look before joining the Warriors Three as they hopped into the back of Jane's truck.
Oh, she wished she wasn't driving. Then she could have taken the tumblr-worthy picture of the four warriors in their Middle Ages getup stuffed in the metal van, with Fandral turning greener every time the van went over a bump. Which was quite often, considering they were in a desert.
When they reached the site of the Bifrost, Thor was yelling at the sky. Again. It made Darcy wonder if her uncle ever got the 'all-hearing' part of Heimdall's biology.
Evidently not.
But after Thor's several rounds of shouting was only met with tranquillity and lack of rainbow light, a chill of dread ran through her veins. "Something's not right," she whispered.
"Asgard must be in trouble," Sif deduced. She turned to Darcy. "We could use your help," she spoke in a low voice.
Darcy smiled sadly. As much as she yearned to see the golden halls and sky-high ceilings again, Asgard was no longer her home. Plus, Bifrost Airlines was never her favorite way of traveling; the trip always ended with her stomach contents on the floor.
But she wouldn't tell Sif that. Instead, she told the warrior quietly, "Asgard's been just fine without me these last couple of centuries. I'm sure with the Warriors Three and Lady Sif and Prince Thor at her aid, she has nothing to worry about."
Sif smiled, seeing straight through the lie - omission of truth, her father called it. "You have your father's gift of the Silvertongue, Hela Lokidottir," she commented. And then she seemed to consider for a moment, before saying, "I have missed you and your words of assurance."
It was then Thor's yells were finally answered by a swirling funnel of cloud, from which leaked that familiar light of a thousand colors.
"I meant every word," assured Darcy, as the Warriors Three started towards the Bifrost and Thor began whispering promises to Jane (that he was likely not to remember, knowing her Uncle).
"I'm sure you did," said Sif. There was no sarcasm in her tone (sarcasm was a tool strictly reserved for herself and her father).
"I will miss you," Darcy blurted out.
"As will I." Sif gave a curt nod, and went to join the Asgardians as they got ready to be sucked up into the rainbow vortex.
As they watched the five warriors disappear off the face of Midgard, Darcy failed to notice the suspicious scrutiny of Erik Selvig.
A/N: Thanks for the reviews guys! As you might have noticed, the rate at which I update is nearly as slow as BBC's Sherlock, so sorry in advance and I applaud you if you're still reading this.