Bertholdt drives by and parks his car, a confused look apparent on his face. Today's Saturday and my mom's out and about. Doing errands and whatever she does. She's always running around, buying groceries or part of some club. I think she's at the book club today, but I'm not really sure. More importantly, what matters to me is the beautiful man walking up the lawn to my front door. I would know, I stood at the door waiting, not moving an inch until I heard him timidly knocking.
"Reiner!"
"Bertholdt!"
"...How long have you been standing there?..."
"Don't look at me like that! I have a great idea!"
"That's why I'm scared, Reiner!"
I have no time for Bertholdt's usual hesitation as I drag him into my living room. "We're going upstairs right now!" Before Bertholdt can protest or run back to the safety of his car, I'm already in the process of dragging him up the stairs. Bertholdt may be taller, but I'm definitely a lot stronger, and more forceful. I look back and see one word to describe Bertholdt's current mental state. Dread.
"Can you please tell me what's going on!?"
"We're almost there! Here's my room!"
"Why are you so excited?"
"You'll see! You'll see!"
We both stumble into my room, both of us falling over to the ground. Bertholdt tries to give me an angry look but we're so flustered and shocked that we start laughing.
"Your nose is so big, Bert!"
"Like you're the one to talk. And you know I hate nicknames!"
"Alright..."
Laying here on the ground staring into the eyes of the beautiful man beside me is one of the best things ever. But I have other plans and we can't afford to waste time. My mom's still away with her book club and we need to do this before she even drives up the stupid driveway.
"Get up, we can't waste time."
"Reiner, can you please tell me what's going on?" Bertholdt is sounding impatient now. But he gets up anyway, his natural politeness overcoming his growing irritation with my shenanigans. "Now what?"
I stand up and stride over like the macho man I am. "Now the fun begins." I go over to my stereo and the song 'The Bad Touch' by the Bloodhound Gang blasts through my whole room.
Sweat Baby, Sweat Baby
Sex is a Texas Drought
Me and you do the kind of stuff
Bertholdt's sweating all over and he stares at me incredulous. "What the hell is all of this about?!" He's wiping his face with his hand and starts to nervously fan himself with a piece of random paper. Probably homework I forgot to do again.
"Just listen and feel the music!" I stare at him, obvious frustration as I throw my hands in the air. But it's only just begun, and I'm not giving up yet.
So put your hands down my pants
And I bet you'll feel nuts
Before the chorus part of the song begins, I run out of the room like a mad man. Bertholdt stares after me giving me a fearful look. "Reiner, I would appreciate it if you stopped with the riddles and just told me what you're up to!" I ignore his echoing voice and quickly change my clothes. Aha! Found them, I can't believe I almost lost them. I change into short ass booty shorts and a white T-shirt with tye dye all over it. On the back is a hastily written note taped to the shirt with bold letters: "BERT DO DA TWERK." I walk over slowly, making sure Bertholdt hears my deliberately slow footsteps. He does and I can sense his agitation.
"Reiner, for one minute can you just listen to me- OH MY GOD! WHAT ARE YOU WEARING!? HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND!?" Bertholdt's face is again, priceless. He's the perfect imitation of the painting called 'The Scream' when he sees the outfit I'm wearing.
I have no time to explain, the chorus of the song is beginning again. As the lyrics play, my legs are wide apart, my hands are on my knees and I'm twerking like you can't believe. Bertholdt looks like he's about to faint, he sputters, too astonished to even scold me for my strange behavior.
You and me baby
Ain't nothing but mammals
So let's do it like they do it
On discovery channel
Do it again now
"Come on Bertholdt! Join in before the song ends!"
"I most certainty am not! This is what you called me for!? This is what you're frantic about!?"
"Become one with the music, I'm teaching you how to flirt!"
"This isn't flirting! I didn't wake up to see you dressed in God knows what and moving your-"
"Your what?"
"You know what I mean!"
"Then say it!"
"YOUR BIG ASS!"
The music ends and switches to an even raunchier song. But we both ignore Adam Lambert's voice and stare at each other. Bertholdt has a crazed look on his face, but he's more shocked about the fact he cursed. Don't get me wrong, Bert does curse but not often. And he never cursed at me before, ever, until today. A slow smirk enters my face as I take in the sexy view in front of me. Bertholdt is too oblivious by my erratic actions to realize the picture he's displaying for me.
He's laying there, all of his limbs sprawled out on my bed. His black jean shorts only go down to his knees, giving me a nice view of those leg muscles. His blue and white plaid shirt is unbuttoned, sleeves rolled up to his elbows. I'm always sure to sneak a peek at the slight chest hair and muscles. My eyes trail over to his sexy ass. Round and perfect as always, I close my eyes and wait for the best part. A light flush upon his cheeks, his mouth quivers as he nervously licks his lips. I blink my eyes. Wait, rewind. He's licked his lips, oh yes. His black is messy again, part of it slicked back, his bangs gracefully framing his face.
Sharply sucking in my breath, I stare into his eyes. His soulful, beautiful, sad eyes stare back at me. I hear him faintly asking me questions like 'Why are you staring? Is there something wrong on my face? Reiner, please tell me!" I suddenly jump onto the bed, my hands gripping his arms, pinning him onto the bed.
"R-Reiner, what has gotten into you!? Please stop!" He's pleading now, and that only turns me on even more. Damn you, for being so attractive. Damn the fact you like someone else. Damn the fact that you're probably better off with someone else than me. Damn the fact you were always so nice to me all these years when I was nothing but trouble. Bertholdt, I wish you could read my mind. See how much I'm hurting and how my heart aches every time I see attractive people at school flirt with you. Bertholdt, if you could read my mind, you can reject me and be done with it. Then I could spare myself the embarrassment of telling you how much I've loved you faithfully all these years.
My thoughts are interrupted when we hear a car door slam outside. I run to the window in panic, only to realize it's just the neighbor across the street. Unintentionally, we both breathe a sigh of relief.
"If there's something wrong, you can tell me. We're best friends." His voice is different now, not angry, only comforting. This drives another spear through my heart, he should stay mad at me. I ignore him and stand at the windowsill, my back to him, staring at my feet so he can't see my facial expression.
"Bertholdt..."
"Yes?"
"It's time for you to learn how to shake that ass."
"Not this again-"
I grab Bertholdt's hands and force him to stand. "Please..it's just the two of us. At least do it for me." I give him my best puppy eyes, and they work wonders on Bertholdt. He sighs in defeat and slowly walks backwards away from me. Seeming eager to learn, I let him stand.
"Okay you just have to follow my lead. Let the music flow through you. Don't let embarrassment or self consciousness get in the way. Just let it go! Let it go like-"
Bertholdt groans, "I can't believe I'm doing this, and you were watching Frozen again."
I roll my eyes and continue. Only Bertholdt knows and understands my strange obsession with Disney movies. He doesn't judge or make fun of me, but he does stare at me crooked whenever I get excited and start singing along. The song 'Wiggle' by Jason Derulo starts and Bertholdt places his hand over his face.
"NOW IS THE TIME FOR US TO GET DOWN!"
"Please tell me you did not just seriously say that.."
We're both standing in my room now as we both awkwardly start thrusting. Bertholdt has no idea what the hell he's doing, he's just all limbs. He starts to flail his arms around, sweating profusely. I start to shake my ass like no one's business and grab Bertholdt's hands. He looks at me in confusion as we start spinning in a circle in the middle of my room. Bertholdt is covered head to toe in sweat now, he rips off his shirt exposing his sweet amazing abs. I stare and greedily run my hand down his six pack.
"Reiner!"
"It's the music I swear!"
You know what to do with that big fat butt!
Wiggle Wiggle
My body takes on a mind of its own. I'm shaking my ass really hard, I'm holding my arms over head in an attempt to keep from accidentally hitting Bertholdt. Bertholdt starts doing sexy Latin dances, not afraid to roll his abs and show off his killer shoulder muscles. We continue dancing until I start dirty dancing. It's Jason Derulo for crying out loud. The whole song is singing about the ass. The ass is an ultimate sex appeal. I mean, people always talk about 'Da Booty' or 'Dat Ass.' Bertholdt's the best case, obviously, I mean look at him. You can't help but stare at his ass. Even Connie looks and he's oblivious. Trust me, when Bertholdt walks by, first you see the back muscles, then you see the ass. And be damned that you don't want to think about slapping that ass of his.
"YES! THE MUSIC IS GIVING VIBRATION, BERT!"
"THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE BLASTING THE VOLUME!"
"FEEL THE ENERGY. FEEL THE POWER OF IT FLOWING THROUGH YOUR SOUL! BERTHOLDT YOU GOTTA WORK IT!"
"MY ARMS HURT!"
"TOO BAD! YOU GOTTA SHAKE THAT ASS! YOU GOTTA GO WITH THE FLOW! YOU GOTTA LET THE MUSIC ROCK YOUR BODY!"
"WHAT!?"
"YOU GOTTA BREAK THE ASS! YOU GOTTA WAVE IT AROUND AND KNOW PEOPLE WANT YOUR ASS'S SHAPELY SHAPES!"
"YOU'RE MAKING NO SENSE, REINER!"
By now, I'm all out. You would think I'm possessed by some demonic entity either that or I'm doing the Harlem Shake in all the wrong ways. I'm winding my arms, I'm twerking like hell, and I'm covered in sweat as well.
"COME ON! BREAK IT DOWN! FEEL THE POWER! FEEL THE POWER OF THE ASS!"
"REINER!"
"I CAN'T TAKE IT! BERTHOLDT YOU NEED TO SLAP MY ASS."
"WHY!?"
"BECAUSE IT FEELS RIGHT. JUST DO IT, I NEED THE FULL THRUSTING POWER!"
"BUT IT'S WRONG, REINER!"
"BUT OH SO RIGHT! COME ON, YOU GOTTA DO IT!" I momentarily stop to shake Bertholdt until he agrees.
Bertholdt timidly slaps my ass, but I yell at him to do it again. So he does. I'm twerking and Bertholdt is doing sexy hip rolls while slapping my ass.
"EVERYTHING IS ALL ABOUT THE SHAPELY ASS! SHAKE THAT ASS, BABY! SO HELP MY PENIS!"
"YOUR WHAT!?"
"I'M TALKING ABOUT MY WET, SLIPPERY, PENIS-"
"REINER BRAUN, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?"
Both Bertholdt and I turn around to see my mom standing there with the entire fucking book club standing behind her. The music keeps playing and I throw my remote at it so it stops. Among the book club is Mrs. Fubar who looks just like Bertholdt, stunned and shaken.
"Merciful heavens, they're gay..." I hear someone mutter that from the back of the group. As everyone else walks downstairs, Bertholdt gets up and leaves with his mom. My mom corners me, fury all over her face.
"YOU ARE GOING TO EXPLAIN YOURSELF RIGHT THIS MOMENT OR SO HELP ME GOD." Her face is red as she struggles to sound calm as she stands, arms crossed.
"I was teaching Bertholdt how to pick up women!"
"By what!? Making him dance like a stripper!? Reiner after all of the stunts you've pulled, this is the worst yet! I welcome my book club and I swear the ceiling was FUCKING SHAKING. We hear disgusting lyrics about ' Big Booty planets' and I open the door to see the two of you gyrating like you're in a badly done porno video! I am embarrassed, my book club will never want to visit! And I know this is your idea, Bertholdt is a good kid! And you have to get him in trouble, I'm surprised Mrs. Fubar still allows him to visit you!"
"Mom, calm down-"
"DON'T TELL ME WHEN TO CALM DOWN. THIS IS THE LAST STRAW! GIVE ME YOUR LAPTOP, YOUR CELL PHONE, YOU AND BERTHOLDT AREN'T HANGING OUT FOR TWO WEEKS! YOU'RE LUCKY YOU'RE IN THE SAME SCHOOL TOGETHER!"
I groan and hand over my possessions, feeling bad about ruining my mom's reputation, but more pissed about not being able to see Bertholdt. I wonder what's going on with him as I sit in my room that night.
Bertholdt
My mother drives the both of us to the grocery store in silence. I apologize repeatedly but she says nothing. Her silence worries me, and I try to help her the best I can. After shopping is done in awkward silence, we drive home staring at anything but each other.
"Mom..I'm sorry..."
"I know you're sorry, but you knew better than to go along with his crazy schemes."
I hang my head low for a period of time, twiddling my fingers. My ears perk up as she starts speaking to me again.
"I've made a decision, Bertholdt."
"H'mmm?"
"I think it's best that you continue the rest of your senior year without Reiner."
"W-what!? Why!?" I stop, surprised at how rude I sound. I'm never this way towards my own mother.
"Because that boy has always gotten you into trouble. For years I let you hang out because I knew how happy you were. I'm not making you switch schools in your Senior year, never that would ruin your education and everything else. But I've contacted my sister and her husband, and I've decided it's best that we spend time with them until you begin college. Don't worry you can still contact your friends via technology."
I stare dumbstruck, my aunt and uncle don't live far away. They live in another town which means school is an hour away. And worse off, I won't be able to see Reiner as much as I used to. I make feeble excuses, but my mother remains adamant. After helping her get the groceries settled into the house, I lay upstairs in my room thinking how the heck I'm going to break it to Reiner. He'll be so upset and I'll feel so bad. I have no choice, I have to avoid Reiner for a while, hopefully he'll move on and hang out with other people.
Somehow, this sounds unlikely. I ponder sending a text or Facebook message, but Reiner's mother probably took all of his electronics. I lay in bed and try to fall asleep, but I'm too restless. Sighing, I realize Senior year will be so much more strenuous than I thought.
Reiner...I'm sorry.