Broken
Part 2
His eyes were on the road ahead, but he was struggling to concentrate on the traffic. His head was all over the place, one minute his thoughts were with Paddy who was sitting beside him, lost in the nightmare that was grief. Then they were with Maddy, lying so pale and so very cold, and then they would wander to their daughter, left all alone in the hospital nursery.
If that wasn't enough torment he had the memory of the last few hours eating away at him too.
He would never, not for as long as he lived, forget the strangled sob of anguish that had escaped Paddy's mouth on being told the woman he loved was dead. It had ripped through him, jolting him into action. He'd wrapped one arm around Paddy while reaching out with the other to take his trembling hand in his. He'd held on for dear life, wanting him to know he was there for him that he always would be. The tears trickling down the older man's cheeks had brought on his own.
He hadn't really heard much of what the doctor had said after that, all he was aware of was what Paddy was saying over and over again, "No, not Maddy, please God not my Maddy." That had tore at his heart too; he couldn't bear to see Paddy in so much pain.
Then they were being led to a side room where they were left alone with Maddy. He'd stood beside Paddy, had watched him gently caress her face, had listened to him tell her he loved her. After a little while he'd realised he was intruding on something very private, that Paddy needed to be alone with her, so after promising him he would come back, he had on leaden legs, left the room.
He'd needed Jackson desperately right then. He'd needed him to tell him that everything would all be alright, but more than anything he'd needed to feel his arms around him.
Suddenly he was there, holding him, their tears mingling, united in their grief.
Then along with an equally devastated Marlon they had sat silently in the waiting room, giving Paddy the time he needed to say goodbye.
He could smell Maddy's perfume again. It had brought him out of his reverie. She always wore the same one, it wasn't anything overpowering but it would linger for hours in her wake, you always knew when she'd been in a room and as soon as he'd got into Paddy's car he had been aware of it.
It had thrown him, it was as if she was there with them and he'd looked over his shoulder into the back seat, half expecting to see her smiling back at him. He'd had to wipe away tears as it had again hit him that he would never see her again.
There was a time when that was exactly what he'd wanted, to not ever see her again!
They had got off to a bad start, the worst and it was all his doing. He had come between her and Paddy, his insecurities to blame, but he couldn't have been any happier at them getting back together. They had become really close in the time since...now she was gone... and she would never know how much he had come to love her.
Another crop of tears! He was going to end up running into the back of a lorry if he wasn't careful. Paddy had been in no fit state to drive and he realised now he wasn't much better.
Jackson and Marlon were somewhere up ahead of them. On their way to break the news to family and friends in person, while he got Paddy home and...and well he wasn't sure what he was going to do once he got there. He just knew he couldn't leave things as they were. Paddy was hurting, he wasn't thinking straight, he couldn't be, he'd hardly recognised him back there at the hospital when he'd...but that was because it was grief doing the talking, he hadn't meant it, he hadn't meant a word of what he'd said.
As they'd sat in the waiting room the midwife had come in and told them the baby was now on one of the postnatal wards, that they wanted to keep her in overnight. She'd told them they could see her whenever they wanted to. She thought it might help Paddy, that holding his daughter would be of some comfort to him.
They had all thought it would be too, after all he had been counting the days until he could hold his and Maddy's baby in his arms, the day couldn't come soon enough for him. It had finally arrived and although marred by a terrible loss there was no denying something wondrous had happened today too.
They had made their way to the side room, Paddy seemed more in control of his emotions, and after dropping a gentle kiss on Maddy's lips he'd left the room with Marlon, leaving him and Jackson to say their goodbyes. It hadn't been easy leaving that room, leaving Maddy all alone there. But they'd had to; the man she'd loved needed them now.
As soon as they'd walked into the waiting room they knew something was very wrong. The atmosphere was unbelievably strained, like the two older men had had words. He'd looked to Marlon for an explanation; the older man had hesitantly told him that Paddy didn't want to see his daughter that he wanted to go home. He hadn't believed that but over the course of the next ten minutes or so Paddy had stated repeatedly that he didn't want to see the baby. There had been no reasoning with him and in the end he and Jackson had made their way to the ward without him.
He hadn't wanted to hold the baby either but only because she was so small, so fragile looking. But the midwife was the no nonsense kind, and had sat him down and set her in his arms. She'd left the three of them alone then.
Despite everything he'd found himself smiling, he was mesmerised by the tiny face, "She's got blue eyes!"
"They all do at that age." Jackson had said, remembering the fact from god knows where.
"She's pretty."
"Yeah...just like her mum."
He'd nodded at that, grief again overwhelming him; the little girl would never know her mother. Suddenly he'd wanted to say something to her,
"You've got the best dad in the world, he loves you, he's just hurting right now and missing your mum so much, he just needs a bit of time to think about her. But you'll see, he'll be here tomorrow, he'll come get you, bring you home, I know he will."
He'd truly believed that when he'd said it, but when they'd gone back to join the two older men, when he'd tried talking to Paddy about his daughter, Paddy had told him he didn't want to know, that he wanted nothing to do with her!
TBC