Author's Note(s): Thanks for those are reading/following/favorting/reveiwing.
Warning(s): Angst, Self-harm (suicidal maybe?), mentions of torture, drugs and strong Morgan/Reid friendship
Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds.
Chapter two: Restless Nights
"You learned to run from what you feel, and that's why you have nightmares. To deny is to invite madness. To accept is to control."
-Megan Chance
"Spence!" JJ called eagerly.
"Hi," Reid waved.
"How are you?" she asked.
"Better…I suppose," he shrugs.
A week ago he had returned to the BAU after being awake for two weeks. He decided he just couldn't miss the action any more though Hotch, the unit chief, had insisted on him taking more time off. Reid just shook his head and managed to convince the team's leader that he was fine. If only they knew how he felt. The restless nights. The emptiness and the dirtiness he felt. He spent practically hours in the shower trying to forget the lingering touches of the man that nearly killed him. He took a shuddering breath and forced a smile for his coworker.
"It's almost six, are you planning anything?" the blond liaison asked.
"Actually nothing really," he replies nonchalantly.
"You're always welcome to come visit, Henry has been dying to see his Unca Spen," she smiles sadly.
"I'll consider it," Reid nodded.
He headed back to his desk and sighed. He started to work on the files on his desk. He filled his head with work trying to avoid anyone's eyes. Morgan walked out his office and walked towards his desk. Reid looked up questioningly.
"Want some?" he motioned to the empty mug.
Reid nodded once, "thanks," he muttered.
"Welcome," Morgan walked to the break room with both, his and Reid's cups in hand.
In all honesty Reid didn't want coffee. For the first time he didn't want his sugar charged black coffee. He had agreed to get rid of any suspicion so it was the only reason he had accepted the offer. It's been getting on his nerves the sudden attention. Of course he knew it wasn't sudden. They were worried and he couldn't blame them. They had every right to be. He was fighting a battle he was losing miserably.
"So much work," Prentiss complained from her desk.
Reid offered a kind smile as he took some of her files. She peered at him curiously.
"Don't worry, you and Morgan used to sneak files into my pile remember? I don't mind," he assured her.
"Thanks," she smiled sadly.
Everyone seemed to give him those sad smiles and pity eyes. He sighed and went back to work. They didn't know the whole truth of what happened in the cabin. Only morgan who was the only witness to what he lived through. Morgan stopped by his desk a moment later and waited for Reid to turn and look at him. Morgan handed him his cup with steamy coffee. Morgan quirked an eyebrow almost expectantly. Almost.
Reid sighed again and took a swig of the coffee. No matter how much sugar was added his sweet coffee always tasted bitter now.
"Thanks again," he mumbled returning to an open file.
"Again you're welcomed," Morgan smiled.
Reid could sense the relief in his voice. He hated what he was doing. He didn't want to hurt his friends, much less Morgan who has always been there. But he doesn't know how he feels. Morgan pats his back and he immediately tenses.
"Sorry," Morgan whispered.
"Don't…it's not your fault," Reid relaxed a bit.
Morgan nodded and left.
It's wasn't his fault. It wasn't even his own. He couldn't help the shudder when someone was too close. He couldn't prevent the discomfort or the shiver down his spine when someone touched him. He couldn't help hyperventilating when someone merely brushed up against his shoulder by accident. It wasn't anyone's fault he couldn't handle touch. He was changing before now. He had opened up to the people he considered family. And then this happened. And slowly like when they all first met he closed the open door. He shut himself away.
Seven came rolling and he was already stretching. He cracked his back and relief replaced the discomfort he felt caused by sitting so long. Emily already gathered her belongings.
"See you tomorrow," she smiled.
"Good night," he nodded with his own smile. Fake, but real enough to fool everyone around him.
He grabbed his worn satchel and threw it over his shoulder. He pulled his cardigan closer and headed towards the elevator. He wouldn't admit it but he was always glad to stay late. It meant he wouldn't have to go back home. It meant he wouldn't have to drift to sleep only to be welcomed by horrifying nightmares. He felt hot tears prick his eyes. Since when had he become so weak? He wondered.
He pressed the button and waited for the elevator to arrive.
"Reid!" Morgan called.
He didn't bother to turn. He didn't want to see him. He tried to avoid him. He made it very clear that he didn't want to be next Morgan. It was painfully clear to the other man but that didn't stop him from worrying either. Reid tapped his foot impatiently. He wanted nothing more than to leave.
"Reid wait," Morgan rushed towards him.
The doors flung opened and he stepped in without a second thought. Reid pressed the close button and as the door slid closed again he stared into the worrying brown eyes. They were hurt but understanding. He absolutely hated that mix of confusion. How can someone be so understanding when they were being shut off?
"Did he leave?" Hotch asks the darker man.
"Just missed him," he mutters a reply.
"Morgan…" he began.
"I know Hotch…I know but what can I do? I'm his best friend and he can't confide in me. I failed him and now he's not only pushing me away but everyone else too," Morgan stressed.
"This is just one bad nightmare," Hotch said softly his features softening like the day Morgan woke up in the hospital.
"Then what do I do? What can I do?" Morgan asked.
"Wake up and wake him up too," Hotch replied.
The doors reopened and both agents stepped in. Once in the parking lot both parted ways. The lot filled with sparse cars illuminated but the street light just enough to see.
At home Reid closed the door behind him as he entered. He slid down the door and slumped on the ground. He closed his eyes and drifted to the one place he wanted to escape. Reality. The insomnia was too much now to be ignored. He needed rest. He needed to sleep, even if it meant reliving hell again. His head was pounding and he was most certainly burning up. He struggled but submitted to the darkness anyway.