My second morning waking up in Ross' bed. The sunlight was already streaming in when I awoke.
I stretched out my hand beside me and felt the still warm sheets. However he was nowhere to be found. Slipping on my dress I sighed running my hands over the coarse fabric. I could already hear the beginnings of an argument erupting between Judd and Prudie in the kitchen.
"Demelza!" I heard Ross' voice booming through the small house. Quickly fastening the rest of my dress I ran out to meet him. I was still gathering my hair up in a kerchief when he bounded up the stairs and grabbed my elbows. "Demelza are you ready?"
"What for?" I wondered
He half smiled. "We must meet with the minister today discuss our religious obligations". "
"Religious obligations…what in Judas does that mean?"
"We must bid him set the banns….and this is a necessary part".
He seemed stern now. A frown spread across his face and he looked thoughtful. Perhaps he was thinking how he would regret his decision, perhaps he already did! I remembered his look of horror when I burst into the room as he and Elizabeth sat in conversation. How they must have hated me in that moment.
It is not love, I thought to myself.
Looking over my half dressed state and dishevelled hair Ross pushed a strand from my eyes.
"Why have you risen so late? Tis' strange to see Judd and Prudie up before you…." He smirked.
"I'm sorry Sir, I slept in…your bed is comfortable.." I blushed realising what I had said.
He didn't seem to care and rushed off bidding me hurry. He didn't correct me calling him Sir neither.
It was late afternoon when we arrived back. I set about finding something for Ross to eat. The meeting with the minister had been uncomfortable to say the least. The old fellow kept giving me glares and then congratulating Ross on his "vision in seeing Marriage as a means against avoiding the fornication of a non sacred union" . I think he figured I didn't know what he meant. Ross knew I did. He didn't remark on it though and didn't hold my hand on the walk back. Not that I thought he should it's just—
My thoughts were interrupted when I heard a sound from the other room. A babe's cry. Ginny! Of course. How could I be so selfish! Here I was thinking about my own small woes when Ginny had become mother and virtual widow all in one day. I rushed out to the girl hoping I could find some way to console her.
It was long after nightfall when I traipsed back to the house. I had spent the rest of the day with Ginny in her small cottage. I hoped Prudie had made him something to eat yet I knew he wouldn't mind my absence. He had cared for both Jim and Ginny, and still would. I knew he felt responsible. Ginny didn't of course and spoke only of his kindness and goodness. I wanted to tell her of Ross and I. What had happened and what was now to take place, yet I was worried what she would think of me.
The hum of night was louder than usual as I lay down to sleep. I felt uneasy. This day had been strange. Full of awkward happiness and eventual disappear at Ginny's predicament. Yet Ross and I had hardly spoken. Just as I began to drift into sleep I heard footsteps creaking down the stairs. Sitting up from my meagre mattress I saw Ross look down at me from the landing, a candle in his hand.
"Did I wake you?" He whispered coming closer.
"No, no Sir-Ross"
"Sir Ross is it now? I'm sorry to say I never aspired to that" He smiled, although he seemed a little hurt.
He continued:
"I came to see if you had come home, I didn't hear you come in"
Home. My heart thrummed with warmth.
"Yes" I said "'only ten minute ago"
He nodded and rocked back on his feet for a minute.
"How is Ginny?"
"Not well Sir"
"Ross!" he said, slightly exasperated and sat down next to me.
"I'm sorry, tis' easy to forget, and easy for you as you have only ever called me Demelza! Well except when we first met when you called me boy"
He laughed.
"I doubt I'm likely to make that mistake again Demelza"
Shifting on my straw mattress Ross turned to look at me again.
"Is there anything you think perhaps I could do to help Ginny and her child?"
"She be going to stay with Jim's Ma tomorrow. But I think perhaps if I could pack some food, a basket, that would help a little" I said softly.
"Yes, yes by all means" He still looked troubled and a silence hung in the small hovel in which we were sat.
"I feel useless" He said at last.
I almost snorted. Ross? Useless? I heard him called many things but never that…
"If I can't save Jim who can I save? I try to be someone I can never be…Wheel Leisure is…I don't know how much longer I can provide work….now Jim's family will starve and—"
He stopped.
How to comfort such a proud and strong man? Was comfort even needed? I wanted to burst out and refute his harsh judgment of himself… yet would it just fall to deaf ears as idle flattery?
I put my hand on his arm.
"Me, you took me in and gave me work, you saved me Ross"
Leaning over I gave him a quick kiss on the cheek.
He turned to me and without looking into my eyes began kissing my lips, then my neck. I was leaning back on my tiny straw mattress as he climbed on top of me in the tiny space. Once again this seemed the only kind of comfort I could provide.
Suddenly he pulled back. Looking into his eyes I saw disgust. Shaking his head he began to stand up.
What had I done?
"I may have taken you in Demelza, yet only to have you in my bed! I have not saved you" He said and began to walk away.
"You know that's not true Ross!" I ran after him. He turned.
"You took me in with no thought for yourself, I was child who needed a home and you gave me that!"
"A child Demelza! You are a child and I have wronged you!"
"I am no child!" I yelled then hushed remembering Judd and Prudie, probably passed out from a blinder yet I did not want them to wake.
Ross stopped, his face softened.
"I know Demelza. I am sorry"
He continued, "But you are young and I have made this decision to wed, yet what if you want someone else one day?"
"Do I have to tell 'e again…I belong here"
He smiled a little and started up the stairs again. I turned to go back to my little bed yet Ross swivelled around and took my hand.
"You surely can't sleep very well on that" Ross said glancing down at my mattress. He led me up the stairs to his room.
He didn't touch me again that night. Except for once when we were both almost overtaken with slumber. He wrapped his hand gently around my waist and pulled me to him. I thought he was asleep until he mumbled that my hands were cold.
What a strange day and and even stranger night, I thought as finally drifted into tomorrow.