THIS HAS A POTENTIAL TRIGGER WARNING. DIDN'T WANNA RISK NOT LABELING IT

My first couple of sessions with Doctor Unohana were awkward. I was a shitty patient. I'm still a shitty patient, but to a lesser degree. I have been in therapy since I was nine. I almost killed my mom. Sometimes I wish that I was in the wheel chair instead. That's called survivor's guilt. My mom got hit by a car and lost the use of her legs. I walked away with a fractured wrist in a cast. I remember all my classmates signing it, like that would speed up the recovery. Where was I supposed to sign for my mom's recovery?

I left my first therapist after I stopped talking. He was good natured about it but I could tell that he wanted to do more tests on me. Those made me nervous and made me want to talk less. I've been through a series of therapist since then. Most only last a week at most. Until I met my dad's colleague. Doctor Unohana was nice. She had this sweet face that made me feel like she'd bring me cookies and milk if I had trouble sleeping. When I think about how shitty of a patient I've been the past month and a half, it makes me feel guilty. It's that whole disappointment thing all over again. She reassures me that I don't disappoint her. That healing is a process and that my process is just taking some time. She smiles sweetly and genuine. As sweet as she is, I can tell there's something scary about her.

When I walk into her office she's busy feeding her pet lizard. I always thought it was a weird pet, like she should have a dog or a cat or something. I don't comment on it though. She looks over her shoulder and smiles at me, pointing to the couch and coffee table. She has a white board and markers set up on the table. The first few sessions I didn't even touch them. I felt like I was being mocked. I was even more upset when she explained that the different colors represented my mood for the day. Whichever marker I chose for the day helped her with my "healing."

I hated that her room was always quiet. The silence seeping into areas that they didn't belong. The first few sessions we sat there. I kept my music on a blocked her out. She didn't mind. If I didn't talk to her she just did busy work. Sometimes I could faintly hear her through the music, just talking. Over time I lowered the volume. I'd switch out my noise canceling headphones for ear buds. Then eventually I'd take it out and listen to her voice.

The first time I used the markers I picked up a red on, anger she explained, and wrote 'I HATE SILENCE' with tons of exclamation points, I had to make sure she got the message. When only one person is talking, there's a lot of chances for the silence to seep in. She nodded her head and turned to a radio in the room. She turned in on, soft music playing in the background. I stopped using my earbuds then. She always made sure something was playing when we met and sometimes she'd let me play my iPod, but that was only when I was really good the previous session. Reward systems were another therapy thing. Today she let me play my own music, which helped relax me considering the news I had to tell her.

It had been four days since I spoke to Mr. G. Ever since then I couldn't look him straight in the eye. I couldn't tell if he looked at me any differently. He was a teacher after all, it wasn't like I was his only student. The few times we caught eyes, it made me nervous. Sometimes I'd see those blue eyes and I could feel words forming on the tip of my tongue and I'd have to look away. I don't think he told any other teachers about it, because the rest of the staff didn't say anything. I'm assuming he didn't tell my parents either because they didn't say anything either. Another secret to add to my growing list, I suppose.

Doctor Unohana sits down on the big chair perpendicular to the couch. It looks chair and would be nice to take a nap in after a cup a tea. I wouldn't know; I always sit on the couch. As soon as I sit down on the couch, I reach for the white board and a green marker. Green is for confused. I see Doctor Unohana smile slightly at this as she raises her thin eyebrow. I can tell she's pleased by considering it usually takes me a few minutes before I say something.

I talked. Two words, written carefully before I show the doctor. She doesn't even try to hide her surprise.

"That's surprising, I can see what you're confused." Doctor Unohana looks at me with a small smile. I feel like a nine year old. "May I ask who it was?"

Grimmjow Jaegerjaques. I sound out his name in my head the way teach you in elementary school.

She cocks an eyebrow at this but doesn't say anything; neither do I.

He's my writing teacher. I only said 'Thank you,' but it scared me.

The thing I really like about Doctor Unohana is that she doesn't write anything down. My old therapists wrote everything down while we talked. So impersonal. We sit for a second before she says something, from the look of her face it seems like she's trying to figure out to word her question.

"What made you compelled to talk to him?"

I shrugged my shoulders and put down the marker. I didn't really have anything else to say. I talked. It scared me. That was it. A shitty patient once again.

I'm assuming my body language told her that we were done with the conversation, because Doctor Unohana clasped her hands in front of her and let out a sigh.

"I'm assuming your dad told you what I wanted to try today." A beat. "I know how you feel about tests, and I promise if you don't like this we don't have to try it again."

Another beat. My heart is hammering in my chest in an unrecognizable speed. Being nervous doesn't even touch how I'm feeling right now. Scared. Terrified. Worried. I did a little research of hypnotherapy before coming in today. Some people said it brought out their worst fears and magnified it. If I can tap into memories on my own, how much worst could it get? I don't say anything. I know she's waiting for me. I look her blue eyes. So familiar but they don't pierce me the same way as another pair. She's waiting. I nod.

Apparently hypnotherapy is nothing like what they depict in the movies. There was no swaying watch. No, 'You are getting sleepy' repetition. Doctor Unohana has me lay back on the couch and close my eyes. She told me relaxing words that put me at peace. There was a lull in the music as the iPod changed tracks, but her soft words kept the silence at bay. I listened as the next song started. It was a Gorilla Warfare Tactic song. I focused on the beat of the Common song they sampled. I wonder if it was weird for Doctor Unohana to have hip-hop playing in her office. She always had Sinatra playing when I came in. I lost my self in the thoughts and next thing I knew, I was under.

XXX

"Ichigo, Ichigo."

Warm. Heavy. Panting. Smothering.

"St-stop." I whine. How unmanly.

He didn't. He kept going.

"You're so beautiful"

Stop lying. Rip. Tear. Grasp. Stroke.

"Please, stop." I pushed hard. Nothing happened.

"But baby, you know you want this."

Release. Press. Pain.

"I don't, I don't, I don't." I'm crying.

XXX

I'm crying.

Hot tears are streaming down my face and I can't breathe. I'm gasping for air like a fish out of water. My voice is hollow, loud angry cries. Doctor Unohana has her arms wrapped around me and I realize belatedly that this is the first time someone has embraced me in the last three months. I can't stop the tears. Everything felt too real.

Doctor Unohana pulls my head into her small into her chest and starts stroking me the way my mom used to whenever I lost a karate match. It makes me feel both better and worst at the same time. I don't know how long it takes for me to calm down. Doctor Unohana's assistant walks in saying her next appointment is here. She doesn't say anything, but I hear him rush out quickly. I need to compose myself but I can't. I can feel it all over again and I'm terrified.

Doctor Unohana lets go of me after I get my breathing back to normal. Tears are still falling silently but at least I'm not freaking out anymore. I listen as she picks up the phone to call my father. Usually I can walk home on my own, but she doesn't feel comfortable with that. It feels a bit childish to get picked up by someone. I listen to one side of the conversation before she puts down the phone and turns back to me. A soft smile on her face.

"Your dad is tied up at the clinic. Your mom and Yuzu are on their way." She doesn't discuss what just happened. Not yet. "If you're comfortable with it, you can wait in the lobby until they come."

I nod my head. As I stand up, I wipe my eyes and make my way over to the dock to retrieve my iPod. I let out a shaky sigh as I turned back to face Doctor Unohana. I give her a small wave before heading out of her room. Slipping my earbuds in, I take a seat in the lobby closest to the door closest to the door so that I can see my family. I can feel Doctor Unohana's assistant staring at me, but I make sure not to look back. He's a mousy guy that always offers me sweets after my doctor's appointments.

It takes about twenty minutes for Yuzu and my mom to turn the corner. As soon as I see them, I stand up and exit the building. My mom has a smile on her face on her face as I approach her. I lean down to give her a kiss as she asks me how my session went. I shrugged, feeling guilty that she asks this. I wonder if she's expecting me to answer. Shitty patient, shitty son.

Yuzu steps to the side so that I could push mom on the way back home. She stays close to the side of the wheel chair, running over the list of groceries they needed to buy for tonight's dinner: curry. My favorite. They know I had a bad session and they're trying to cheer me up. I hate them a little.

"Do you mind if we stop by the grocery store on the way back?" My mom shifts in her wheel chair so that she can look back at me. "Is that okay, honey?"

I nod and push the chair in the correct direction.

"Onii-chan," Yuzu slows down a little so that she's walking directly beside me. "Today in home economics my teacher complimented me on the cream puffs we made today. I told her how we used to make them all the time when we were younger. Did you want to try making them again?" She smiled, and I noticed for the first time it that it looked a bit sad.

I try and smile back as I nod. I wonder if it looks as fake as if feels. But for Yuzu, I'd swim across the Pacific.

"Tousan said that he was going to be starving with the amount of patients he was seeing today. So let's make lots and lots for him."

Yuzu bounced along as I continued to push my mom. My mom smiled at her and my heart ached a little. It was the same smile my mom would always greet me with after karate practice. The same smile that I saw right before my mom was hit. I try not to think about the accident too often, since we've mostly moved on from it. But every now and then I get a reminder that I'm to blame for everything. I feel like my silence helps me cope with this.

When we get grocery store, Yuzu takes my mom's wheelchair from me so that they could browse the aisles for the items that they need. I walk in the opposite direction of the store on my own, listening to the sound of Etta James blaring from the small speakers. I'm not looking for anything in particular as I'm walking around. This is mostly to distract myself what happened with Doctor Unohana. In the past few months, I noticed focusing on daily activities were the best distraction.

I was reaching for the last ramune when another hand bumped into mine. It was warm and shocked me. A reminder of how little physical interaction I received recently. Jumping a little, I looked up only to find the ocean staring back. Cotton candy hair was hidden by a black beanie, but his beauty was enough of a reminder. My neck warmed and I could feel my ears flushing. I could feel his breath on my face, smoky and exotic. In this moment I realized I hadn't been this close to someone in ages. My heart hurt a little.

I know it was only seconds, but it felt like we were standing there for eons. Mr. G stepped back immediately, eyes wide as if he was as surprised to see me as I was him. Seeing a teacher outside of school should have been weird. Most of the time I tend to forget that teachers have lives like the rest of the world. But for some reason, seeing Mr. G stand here in the local convenience store was so, well, normal. I know I was staring at him, but he was staring back, which had to count for something.

"Mr. Kurosaki, fancy seeing you here." I blinked in response. "I was grabbing a drink on my way home from work. Looks like we have the same taste." He leaned forward to grab the bottle. He studied it for a second and it almost seemed like he was stalling. "Here, you can have it."

He held out the bottle for me to take. When I didn't reach for it, he reached forward to grab my hand and place it there for me. Mr. G's hand was warm. It shocked me how okay it felt to hold me, even for that millisecond. Usually whenever someone touched me, I'd flinch away. Why didn't I do that? I studied the bottle in my hand, the temperature cooling my heated skin.

"I'm gonna grab a coffee instead. "

I watched as he reached forward to grab canned coffee. He looked back at me. I wonder if he thinks I'm going to thank him again. That was a one time. A fluke. I could barely even look at him recently, even when he was giving me extra assignments to work on, he did all the talking. Mr. G was surprisingly good at keeping up a one-sided conversation. It scared me when he'd respond to something I said in my head. It scared me to think that I actually said something out loud.

"So what are you doing he-"

"Honey?"

I could hear the familiar sound of tires rolling against the tile floors. I looked over my shoulder and sure enough my mom and Yuzu were rounding the corner. The basket on my mom's lap was full of ingredients and she had a soft smile as she looked up at me. There was a curious look in her eyes as she peered behind me. As she approached me, I stepped to the side so that she could get a better view of Mr. G. When I looked back at Mr. G, I was expecting to see the look that I saw in everyone's eyes when they first meet my mom: Pity. I was genuinely surprised to see the soft smile on my teacher's face. Honestly, it was a look I was never expecting, especially from the hard-ass teacher who was known for his "sexy mysterious scowl" he donned in the classroom. That was my classmate's words, not mine.

"Hi Honey, who's this?"

Again, my mom was expecting a response she'd never receive. Shitty son.

"Nice to meet you Mrs. Kurosaki." Mr. G took a step forward to shake my mom's hand. "I'm Grimmjow Jaegerjaques. I'm Ichigo's creative writing teacher."

It was weird to watch them interact. My mom looked even more fail next to Grimmjow's tall, powerful stance. I was the reason she was like this. Yet again, shitty son.

"Oh! I hope that my Ichigo is learning a lot from you. You're so young, I would have never pegged you for a teacher." My mom smiled up at Mr. G. Was she swayed by his looks like the countless girls in class?

My stomach did a weird flip that I hadn't felt in a while.

Mr. G laughed at my mom's comment, a shit-eating grin formed on his full lips. "I get that a lot." Blue eyes met mine and I'm pretty sure a part of me melted a little. I didn't like it. "Ichigo is a great student. We had a little hiccup recently, but he's bounced back."

I don't think I'll ever get over the idea of people talking about as if I'm not in the room. But I suppose when you don't talk there's very little that you can add to conversation. The two of them made small talk as we walked up to the cash register. Once outside my mom and Yuzu bid Mr. G good bye and began to walk away. I stayed back with Mr. G and watched them walk off. When I looked up at him, blue eyes were scanning across my face. I could feel the blush rise to surface of my cheeks.

"Thank you."

Mr. G looked up at me in surprise. My voice was hoarse. I wonder if it was from crying or lack of use.

"For?"

We don't say anything for a second as we just stared at each other. Words were forming on the tip of my tongue and before I could stop them I was speaking again.

"For not looking at my mom with pity."

My throat hurt. It sounded like I was going to cry again.

Mr. G shrugged his shoulders as he looked at my mom and sister growing smaller in the distance. "There's nothing to pity. Everyone has their horrors stories, Mr. Kurosaki."

"Ichigo." I looked him dead in those ocean blue eyes. "I like to go by Ichigo."

Mr. G stares at me hard, a small frown forming on his lips. What is that look for? "Ichigo."

The way he says my name, as if he's tasting it on his tongue, sends shivers down my spine. I take in a deep breath before I give him a small nod. I don't say anything else as I walk away from him. My steps are fast. I'm not sure if I'm trying to catch up with my family or if I'm running away from him.

XXX

Dinner was quiet and uneventful. My dad asked how my session went and the question went unanswered. Yuzu made a great curry and I helped her make cream puffs like I promised. They were delicious and it was nice to spend some time with my sister. I spent some time after dinner in my room, listening to music and writing a story based on something Mr. G had assigned me. Halfway through the story, I was starting to get restless. I glance at the clock and notice it's nearly midnight. Slipping on my earbuds, I pad out of my room and head towards the kitchen to grab some leftovers.

There's a glow in the living room as I approach the first floor and I can tell that someone is watching TV. It's a bit surprising that anyone is up this late. When I step into the living room I take one of the earbuds out as my mom sitting on the couch comes into view; her wheelchair stationed next to her. I wonder if my dad forgot about her and that's why she's still up. A small flare of rage forms, until I realize that my dad would never do that. If only she hadn't gotten hit by the car, she'd be okay to go to bed on her own. She smiles when she sees me and my heart breaks.

"Hey baby, come sit with me for a while." She pats the seat beside her.

She hasn't called me baby in a while. It feels weird to be seventeen and called baby. Especially when I have two younger sisters that she can call that. Regardless, I make my way over to the couch. I sit on the couch next to her for second before I shift so that I can lay down with my head in her lap. I pull my knees to my chest as I curl into a ball. I can feel my mom smiling down at me as she strokes my short hair. I close my eyes at the feeling. The feelings makes me feel small.

"Today was a good day wasn't it?" Her voice is soft, just like the stokers in my hair. "I don't know what happened at your session today, but I'm glad I was able to pick you up. It's been a while since I've gone on a walk with Yuzu." I suck in a breath as my body freezes. My mom must have noticed. "Oh sweetie, I didn't mean it like that."

I feel water splash on my face. When I turn to look, my mom is staring down at my with a sad smile tears silently slipping down her face. My mom cups my face with one hand as the other goes to wipe the falling tears. I want to tell her I love her. I want to tell her I was sorry. I wanted her to know how badly I wished I was the one to be in the wheelchair. But I don't say anything. Instead I lay there staring at my mom.

We lay in silence for a while. Once my mom finally stops crying, I roll back onto my side so that can we can watch whatever is playing on TV. I'm not sure how I'm laying therefore before I hear heavy breathing behind me. Looking over my shoulder, I see that my mom has fallen asleep. Carefully, I get up from my spot so that I can lift my mom off the couch. She's lighter than I remember, though I have grown a lot recently. Slowly, I make my way past the kitchen to the extension that my dad built in the back of the house shortly after the accident. I place my mom on her bed and make my way out of the room.

Taking a deep breath, I slip my earbuds back in; the sounds of Death Cab for Cutie washing over my body. The walk up to my room seems long as I pass by Yuzu's room and then Karin's, my former room. I notice that her light is still on despite it being so late. Had it been a few months earlier, I would have popped my head in and told her to go to sleep. Instead, I walked past the room, towards the master room that I now slept in. Sometimes when I went into my room it would feel weird. It was my sanctuary, but also a place my mom could no longer visit. Conflicted feelings for a shitty son.

I made my way back to my laptop, fully intending to get back to the paper at hand, but I couldn't concentrate. I hopped onto the internet and fired up the different social media I used to frequent. I checked up on old friends, happy to see they still hung out with one another. It's only been a few months, but a lot could change in that time. I would know.

Honestly, I'm not entirely sure how I ended up on his page. A clicking mutual friends, I suppose. All I knew was that I was staring into piercing blue eyes that made me want to speak to a computer screen. His profile wasn't private, which was a little weird for a teacher. Maybe it was an American thing. I didn't understand anything on his page, other than the school name that was listed in the occupation section. I clicked at his pictures section, because honestly that was the only thing I could understand. Clearly, my English grade wasn't the greatest.

There's a ninety-nine percent chance that it was impossible for Mr. G to take a terrible picture. Every since photo of him looked stunning. Even the candid ones. Especially the candid ones. Dear lord, there was a picture of him shirtless by a lake or a beach, it didn't really matter to me. I wouldn't be able to look at him the same ever again. I clicked through all of his pictures, there were a lot of them. I felt like a stalker or maybe those like those girls who were obsessed with him, but I didn't really care.

There was shock on my face when I got to the last picture in his list. Mr. G had his arms wrapped around someone with pink hair, his lips pressed firmly against the other person's cheek. The pink haired person looked like they were laughing uncontrollably at the display of affection. It made them even more beautiful. If you didn't look close enough, you would have assumed the second person was a female. Slim build, shoulder length bubble gum pink hair, cheek bones that could kill a man. But upon closer inspection, as in my nose up against the screen, I could definitely tell the second person was definitely a male.

Mr. G was gay and it settled with in me in a very unnerving way.

I'm incredibly pleased with how much support this has received.

Sorry for a somewhat short chapters (if you read my other stories they tend to be twice the length) but I hadn't updated in a while and I wanted to get something out. I hope you guys still enjoyed and that some things are starting to make sense.

Please leave a review or a little love, it's all the motivation I need.