Kurt learned quickly to never talk back to Uncle Jack. He already found enough fault with him without him fueling his hatred.
You know, we wouldn't have to do this every day if you would just follow the rules.
The rules basically made sure Kurt didn't do anything besides go to school, come home, get the hell beaten out of him, and then repeat the whole vicious cycle again.
He wasn't allowed to see his friends, he wasn't allowed to go anywhere but to school, he wasn't allowed to dress in any way that his Uncle didn't deem appropriate, and he never deemed anything Kurt did appropriate. He wasn't supposed to walk, talk, or act like he was…gay. He wasn't allowed to sing.
He wasn't allowed to visit his dad.
That last rule he had spoken out about, even though he knew it would just make it hurt worse. It stayed firm, he wasn't allowed to go anywhere near Lima, or the hospital.
He's going to die anyway, and even if he wasn't he wouldn't want a disgrace like you to be at his death bed.
Kurt knew that wasn't true, but it still hurt. It still created a little seed of doubt every time his Uncle told him he was worthless, that his friends never really cared about him. That everyone always had and always would hate him for who he was.
Even though he lived in constant fear of the next attack, that didn't mean he didn't disobey the rules. He didn't care what they did to him, they wouldn't keep him from seeing his father. He knew that could never make him stay away, even if they beat him until he was in the bed next to him. He was damn sure going to be there when his father opened his eyes.
The principle at Westerville High helped a lot with that. Kurt almost thought that he was catching on, but his third day of school he was pulled into the office and told that anytime he needed to leave school, he could. He didn't even have to sign out, and by the way he stressed that, he knew that meant that if he didn't sign out, they wouldn't call his Aunt and Uncle.
He talked to his friends too, even if it was only through text messages or phone calls. He just couldn't stay away from them, and he knew that if he did, they would worry. He didn't want them to worry about him, not because he didn't hate the situation he was in but because he didn't want them involved. Uncle Jack had explained "very clearly" to him that he had a friend in the police and if he called them, nothing would happen besides things getting worse for him. So he put on a brave front for his friends and took the pain that his Uncle so willingly unleashed on him every day, but on the inside, he felt like he was dying. He was so terrified all the time, it seemed to cancel out everything else.
Truly, he knew that he needed to see his friends, not just to hear their kind words or to read them. He needed Mercedes to hold him while she threatened to cut a bitch. He needed to have Brittney holding his hand, or for Carole to assure him that one day it would all be ok again. He needed Finn to pull him into that firm, brotherly hug he had grown to rely on and to just let them all protect him.
He needed his father to wake up.
"H…Hey Daddy." Kurt tried to say as he entered the hospital room, but his words got caught for a moment. Just being near his father made him feel safer, more secure than he had began to think was possible. It made him remember how things used to be, and reminded him how unfair it was that any of this had ever happened. He had been visiting his father from Westerville for a couple of week and had managed to keep it all together, but that day the memories and hurt just seemed to attack him the minute he entered the room.
"Kurt, buddy you know that I love you more than anything, right? " Burt had asked his fifteen year old son as tears ran down his face. The news story was just as grim as usual, but it really hit home for both of them. A boy who was killed by his father. Because he was gay. Kurt had come out only a month before.
"Y…yes dad. I know that." But Burt wasn't satisfied. He turned the TV off and made his son face him. His eyes were filling with tears as well.
"I mean it Kurt, what that man did was cruel and sick, but it's not right. People in this world ain't always nice, but that doesn't make it right. Just remember that I love you no matter what. I don't care if you love boys or girls or monkeys, your still my son and I will always love you. And I promise you, I'll never let anyone hurt you."
Before Kurt even knew it had happened, he let out a choked sob and his body began to shake with powerful, bitter tears. All the sadness and hurt, all the loneliness felt like it was coming out for everyone to see, and it physically hurt him. But he held his father's hand tightly, taking comfort in his presence.
"Oh God, Daddy I just…it hurts so bad! I just don't understand what…what I did. Everything I do is wrong daddy, I'm so scared. I…I'm just scared all the time and I just want it to stop. Please make it stop." He cried, unable to stop himself. He had kept it all bottled up for so long, and now it was all coming out to his comatose father.
"Everything I do makes him angry, makes him hurt me. The worst part is that I'm actually trying to change! I promised myself I would never do that, and now im just trying so hard, but I can't change my voice dad! I can't change the way I walk or look, and God knows everyone thinks I can change who I love, but I can't! I just can't…I can't…" And he just wept. He wept for the innocence that he was losing every day, every part of him that they took away. Every bruise that now littered his thinning body.
"You know, they told me that I couldn't come to see you, that I wasn't allowed." He said when he finally calmed down a little. "But I don't care. They can't keep me away from here, no matter what they do to me." A new sense of determination rushed through him and he gripped his father's limp hand tighter.
"They can take everything else away from me dad, but I promise that I'll never let them take you away from me. And when you open your eyes, I will be the first thing you see. And then maybe we can deal with this…this mess." Tears still rolled off his face, but they didn't hinder him so much any more. He looked to the clock, and he knew that he needed to leave if he wanted to get back in time.
"I have to go Daddy, but you just focus on getting better, ok? I…I'm so sorry. I'll apologise to you for the rest of my life when you wake up." His tears fell on his father's face as he leaned down to kiss his cheek. He didn't want to leave, but he didn't want to say that. But why shouldn't he? He was in a coma, he couldn't hear him. It had felt so much better to get that all off his chest that he spilled his heart again before he had time to stop himself.
"I…I don't want to go back. I…I'm just…scared." It felt a lot better just to say those words. To bring to life the fear that had been living inside of him instead of ignoring it. He tried to bring up a smile, but it made the hidden cut under his eye sting.
"But you always said things had a way of working themselves out, right? That things couldn't stay bad forever?" No, he didn't expect an answer, but he could imagine it. He gave his father's hand one finally squeeze and left his safe haven.
The drive to the house never took long enough. As much as Kurt hated to show weakness, he felt his hands shaking. He took a deep breath, trying to collect himself as he clenched his hands into fists. Suddenly he pushed the door to his car roughly open and went into the house before he could convince himself to just drive away. He hardly got in the door when he felt his body being pushed into the wall.
"What did I do wrong this time?" He asked, his voice louder and higher than normal from the shock of the sudden attack. He immediately regretted it when a fist knocked his head into the wall. He wanted to put up his hands to defend himself, but his arms were pinned to the wall.
"Talking back to me for one, and didn't I tell you not to walk through my door like you're the damn queen or something?" Kurt felt like he couldn't breathe, like the walls were closing in on him. He never was good at having people yell at him, and at that moment he wished he could just crawl in a hold and die. How was he supposed to answer? What do you say to someone that's determined to hate you no matter what?
"Answer me you little shit!" He screamed at him, pushing him back against the wall again. Kurt tried to focus, but his head was throbbing and his heart was racing. One part of him wanted to let the tears he was holding back flow, to give in and beg him to just leave him alone. But a bigger part of him knew that it would do no good, that he'd lose a part of himself in the process.
"What the hell do you want me to say? I can't change it! I'm sorry if it offends you, but this is the way I am!" Kurt yelled at the man, pushing back against him. But he was just too strong. He couldn't free him hands before his Uncle threw him to the ground. He could only try not to cry out as his shoe connected with his stomach.
"If you want to live then you will! I will not live with your kind of sin in my house!"
"Then DON'T!" He cried out, unable to hold it back any longer. He couldn't understand why his Uncle kept him when he had so many other people who were willing to have him. He was almost surprised to see his Uncle smile evilly, a crazed look in his eye. His blood went cold. This man was definitely insane.
"See, that's the funny thing. You're an orphan now and so you belong to me. I'm just doing what my idiot brother should have done from the moment you were born from your whore of a mother. And you know whats the best part? If you refuse to do as I say, then I get to kill you." He whispered, only pausing to grab Kurt's hair and pull his head up so he had to look at him.
"And then I'm going to bury your body where no one will ever find it, and after a while, people will stop pretending that they want to. Either way, I'm doing the world a service." Kurt felt his own anger rising up in him, making him lash out no matter the cost.
"I am not an orphan! And you can't change the fact that people care about me! No matter what you do, my dad is going to wake up eventually. I'm not yours, I'm theirs!" He yelled at the man, hatred clouding his voice like never before until he was silenced by a hand around his neck. He closed his eyes and tried not to panic. His only hope was that he knew this man was sadistic. He hadn't drawn it out enough yet to kill him.
And surely enough, he let go of his throat just before he blacked out. Kurt coughed frantically, desperate to get some air into his aching lungs. He hardly got a chance before he felt a sharp pain in his chest, only to look up to see the man pushing in on it.
"Your father will never make it out of that hospital alive, just like you won't make it out of this house." And with that, he was gone, walking up the stairs and into his bedroom. Kurt slowly got off the floor, feeling lightheaded, but knowing he had to get into his small bathroom inside his room, where he had found a lock on the door. He limped into the small space, locking the door immediately. He caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror and almost lost it. His lip was split and there was blood running down his chin, probably from hitting the floor and he had a few bruises that littered his face and neck. And he knew that the worst of the damage he couldn't even see.
His Uncle was determined to kill him, and he looked to be well on his way.
But you fought back, he tried to remind himself, you're not going to let him win this. Dad will wake up, you just have to wait this out. But how long could he wait it out? Even though he put up a brave front in his conversations with his friends and in his confrontations with his Uncle, his break down in front of his father had shown how he really felt. Broken, scared, alone. But still defiant. He still dared to break the rules to help his father, to speak to his friends, to not give in.
He smiled at his reflection, a small sense of smugness creeping past the fear and hopelessness that almost overpowered him. Because the number one rule was: don't be gay. And for him, waking up every morning was like a big f you to that.
A/N Oh gosh, what have I done? Review please?