WWE does the Simpsons

Act II

Characters for Act 11

Moe-Shad

Barney-Randy Orton

Lisa-Haylie

Maggie-Maria

Punk is at Shad's

Punk: Oh, I can't believe it, I got an enemy. Me, the most beloved man in Springfield.

Shad: Ah, it's a weird world, Punk. As hard as it is to believe, some people don't care for me neither.

Punk: No, I won't accept that

Shad: Hah, it's true. I got their names written down right here on what I call my, uh, "enemies list"

Shad reaches under the bar and brings out a piece of paper. Randy reads it.

Randy: Jana Fonda. Daniel Shore, Jack Anderson… hey! This is Richard Nixon's enemies list. You just crossed out his name and put yours.

Shad: Okay, gimme that, gimme it back. (Writes on paper) Randy Orton

Randy: Oh

Punk: Oh, what'll I do Shad?

Shad: Uh, why don't you invite him over to dinner? Turn him from an enemy to a friend. Then when he's not expecting it... bam! The old fork in the eye.

Punk: Do you think it might work without the fork in the eye?

Shad: There's always a first time.

At the Simpson's home. The family is dressed up for dinner.

Punk: This dinner has got to be absolutely perfect, if I and TJG are going to be friends. (Turns to Haylie) Haylie be perfect.

Haylie: Ok

Punk: (to Mickie) Mickie. Perfect. (To Jeff) Jeff. Perfect. (To Maria) Other kid. Perfect.

Mickie: We only have 5 lobsters. Are you sure he's not bringing anyone with him?

Punk: No. No. He doesn't even know he's coming to dinner. I didn't think he'd even come, so I called and said I had something really important to tell him and that I could only tell him about it here.

The doorbell rings and Punk starts flailing his arms.

Punk: It's him! It's him, it's him, it's him, it's him, it's him, it's him, it's him, it's him, it's him, it's him!

Mickie: Calm down Punk! Calm down, answer the door.

Punk opens the door.

Punk: (nervously) Welcome to the Brooks residence, or "casa de Brooks" as I call it, heh heh.

JTG: Yeah, what did you want to see me about, Punk? This better be important.

Punk: It is, it is, but first, let me introduce you to my, my perfect family. This is my wife Mickie…

Mickie: Hello.

Punk: And out beautiful baby (Maria sucks her pacifier)… my daughter Haylie, IQ a hundred and fifty six.

Haylie: (curtsies) Hi

Punk: See? And my son Jeff … (Jeff winks) He owns a factory downtown.

JTG: How do you do. Uh, Homer, I'm, I'm late for my night job at the foundry so if you don't mind telling me—

He stops and notices the house

JTG: Good heavens! Th-This is a palace! How c—how can, how in the world can you afford to live in a house like this Punk?

Punk: I don't know. Don't ask me how the economy works.

JTG: Yeah, but look at the size of this place! I… I live in a single room above a bowling alley and (muttering) below another bowling alley.

Punk: Wow!

JTG notices some pictures on the wall.

JTG: I'm sorry, isn't that—

Punk: Yes, that's me alright. And the guy standing next to me is President Gerald Ford. (Pointing to the other photos) And this is when I was on tour with the Smashing Pumpkins. Oh! And here's a picture of me in outer space.

JTG: You? Went to outer space? You?

Punk: Sure. You've never been? Would you like to see my Grammy award? (Holds it up)

JTG: No! I wouldn't! God, I've had to work hard every day of my life, and what do I have to show it? This briefcase and this haircut! And what do you have to show for your lifetime of sloth and ignorance?

Punk: What?
JTG: EVERYTHING! A dream house! Two cars! A beautiful wife! A son who owns a factory! Fancy clothes and (sniffs air) lobsters for dinner! And do you deserve any of it? NO!

Punk: (Gasps) what are you saying?

JTG: I'm saying you're what is wrong with America, Simpson. You coast through life, you do as little as possible, and you leech off of decent, hardworking people like me. Heh, if you lived in any other country in the world, you'd have starved to death long ago.\

Jeff: He got you there, dad.

JTG: You're a total fraud. A—a total fraud. (Walks out, pokes his head back round the door way, and speaks to Mickie and the kids) It was nice meeting you.

JTG leaves again, slamming the front door.

The next day, Jeff and Primo are at the factory again.

Primo: Wow. Adding machines. Industrial waste. What should we do with all this stuff Jeff?

Jeff: I think we both know the answer to that.

The boys throw the machines into the barrels of industrial waste, and watch them dissolve. Later, Primo mops the floor. He pauses to wipe his brow.

Jeff: Get to work?

Next, they stand a top a rickety stair case, rocking it.

Jeff + Primo: Wacky shack!

Primo: Better be careful Jeff. Look at those warning signs

He indicates some sign on the "Wacky Shack" Jeff pulls them off and chucks them off the window.

Jeff: Solve your problem Primo?

Primo: Yep

Mickie walks around the front of the house to find Punk sitting in his car in the drive way. She taps the window

Mickie: Punk? (Taps again) Punk, why aren't you at work?

Punk: The car won't start. I don't fell very well today. I am at work.

Mickie: You're afraid to go to work because JTG will be there, aren't you?

Punk: That's crazy talk. You're crazy Mickie. Get off the road!

He honks the horn. Mickie gets in the car

Mickie: You'll have to face him sometime, and when you do I'm sure he'll be just as anxious to make up as you are.

Punk: No he won't. He hates me.

Mickie: He doesn't hate you. He just feels insecure because you're getting through life so easily, and it's been so difficult for him.

Punk: Yeah, yeah, that's his problem, he's a nut! It's not about me being lazy; it's about him being a crazy nut.

Mickie: Well… maybe. But I bet he would be less crazy if you were just a little more, um, professional in your work. (Punk gasps) Just a little more! Then he won't have any reason to resent you.

Punk: I'll do it! (Pulls out a bottle of Duff) To professionalism!

Punk drinks the whole bottle.

At work, Punk eats doughnuts at his work station… with a knife and fork. On his wall hangs a picture of him with the words: "Mr. Good Employee" on it. JTG walks past.

Punk: Good morning fellow employee. You'll notice that I am now a model worker. We should continue this conversation later during the designated break period. Sincerely, Punk

JTG isn't impressed, and leaves. An alarm sounds at Punk's work station. JTG joins John and Kofi in the break room.

JTG: Can you believe that guy? He'd in his office making a pathetic attempt to look professional.

Kofi: Hey, what do you got against Punk, anyway?

JTG: Are you kidding? Does this whole plant have some disease where it can't see that he's an idiot? Look here? (Points at a graph) Accidents have doubled every year since he became safety inspector, and, and meltdowns have tripled. Has he been fired? No. Has he been disciplined? No, no.

John: Eh, everybody makes mistakes. That's why they put erasers on pencils.

Kofi: Yeah, Punk's okay. Give him a break.

JTG: No! Punk is not okay. And I want everyone in this plant to realize it. I would die a happy man if I could prove to you that Punk has the intelligence of a six year old.

John: (To Kofi) so, how are you doing?

JTG begins to leave, but notices a poster on the bulletin board advertising a children's contest to build the best model of a new power plant.

JTG: Oh, here we go.

Grimes take the notice to his office, where he carefully cuts away all reference to this being a contest for kids. Then he places the notices at Punk's station.

Punk: Oh, design your own power plant, eh? This is my chance to show everyone how professional I am (to a picture of John on his desk) John, tell Edge I've gone home to work on the contest.

As Punk gets into his car to leave, JTG watches through an upstairs window, laughing. Punk backs into JTG's car.

JTG: Oh god.