Chapter 2 (untitled)

Everyone is seated at the meeting table.

Dave, whom is standing in front, starts, "Thank you for all coming. I trust you heard the announcement?"

"Loud and clear, Dave, in fact I just got a call from the building supervisor that the floors below and above us are cleared to reenter," says Beth.

"Ah, make a note to apologize to them later."

Raises a hand, "Ah, I have a question."

"Technically I haven't announced the meeting subject, but go ahead."

"Can you guys not ever do that to me again?"

"Again, sorry."

"I was in the middle of doing a number two."

"With your pants on?" asks Beth.

"I got to keep thee underwear gnomes out and-"

"MOVING on … Jimmy James has been ordered by his legal medical assistant to have me instruct you all on sexually transmitted diseases. What with all the station's – particularly this floor, Joe – is unusually high number of accidents."

"And fatalities," ads Joe.

"There have been no fatalities,"

Says Dave.

"That's right," replies Joe, "and if anyone asks, you tell them just that."

"Still moving along. So … I guess I'll begin. Does everyone know what a sexually transmitted disease is?"

"Ow! Ow! I read this!" yells Matthew, after his hand shoots up.

"Go ahead, Matthew."

"Is that where you get a virus when you reproduce asexually?"

Dave thinks for a second, seeing everybody's stares at Matthew, and decides not to embarrass him any further, "Yes. Yes it is."

"Yup," says Matthew in a cocky manner, "I reproduced asexually last night. My little lady friend loved it."

Beth snorts and covers her mouth.

"What?" asks Matthew.

"She has a cold," replies Dave.

"Then why is she laughing?"

"It's a funny cold, like … like laughing gas."

"Oh."

"Trying to move on yet again…"

"Dave, did you get any feedback noise while using the SpeakerCom?"

Dave shifts his eyes, obviously annoyed, "No, I don't…" slams the desk with his hands, "good god people! It's been what? Three of five minutes now and all I've said to instruct you was a question! I haven't even taught you all anything yet!!!"

Says Lisa, "I don't know about that, seems you've taught them you don't need the intercom."

"Okay, I can see everyone is having a little trouble concentrating on the subject matter at hand, so Joe, can you bring the learning implements in, please?"

"Sure thing, boss," and leaps up and off.

"While Joe retrieves the learning implements, I'll take questions to open up the floor for brief discussion. Lisa, you have a question?"

"Yes, where are the pamphlets and brochures you said you ordered from the Department of Health?"

"Well, I kind of had Matthew do it since Max was hounding me."

"And?" asks Lisa.

"And Matthew told them we were WNYX, with and EX, and misread them the zip code, so I'll be winging it from health class memory and … ah! Joe's back."

Joe sets up a big, wooden tripod and places a thing of flip paper on it. He hands Dave a long pointer and a big-tip black permanent marker; Dave places the pointing wand on the meeting table.

"Okay," flips the paper book open and draws the outline figures of a man and woman, like those found on the bathroom doors in stores. He puts two dots side-by-side, on the woman's chest. They all snicker a little. Dave Begins, "this is a man, and this," he points with the wand, "is a woman."

"Dude, that's a woman?" comments Joe.

"Yes, Joe."

"And those two black Chicklet thingies?"

"Are her boozems."

"Gimmie that," leaps up and draws a big circle around each black dot Dave had made. He sits down after handing the pen back to Dave.

"Well, like I said, these are boozems."

Joe interrupts, "Now they're ba-ZOOM-bas."

"How incredibly sexist, thanks Joe," says Lisa.

"Which, coincidently, will be next week's lecture," Dave smiles as he comments among his non-listening staff.

"You're welcome," replies Joe.

"Max, what are you doing?" asks Dave.

"Taking notes."

"That's great! See, why can't you all follow Max's example? Max, do you have any relevant questions thus far?"

"Ah, yes. From this point on should we refer to those two large circles as 'bazoombas'?"

"No, in fact," angrily draws a black X over each one, "forget them all together!"

"Boob job," comments Beth.

"Not helping," slams the pointer on the desk.

"Learning implement, Dave?" Beth looks at him coyly.

"Anyway, when two people come together, whether it be a man and a woman, or a man and a man-"

"And a woman and a woman," says Beth.

Everyone looks at her.

"Just covering all the bases."

"What about a woman and a man?" asks Matthew.

"That's the same thing backwards, Matthew," says Dave.

Matthew points both ways with opposite hands, "Oh."

"Like I was saying, when any combination of the sexes come together, if one of them is unclean, the partner can contract-"

"Unclean?" comments Joe, "what are we, Amish?"

"Okay, I see I'm gonna have to do this: the next person who speaks without raising their hand and having me acknowledge them, gets whacked!"

Beth raises her.

Dave takes a deep breath, while looking down. He points at her, "Beth?"

"With the sexual implement?"

"With the learning implement. Back to the topic. When two lovers engage in sexual activities," he points at the drawings' crotches, "and juices are exchanged…"

Joe snickers.

"…or you have an open wound, you can contract a sexually transmitted disease. Some STDs are incurable, meaning you can die from them, and some can't be stopped by condoms. Some bypass our immune systems. Now, everybody has an immune system. Max?"

"Not me," says Max.

"Everybody, Max, has one. Max?"

"I don't know."

"Yes. Yes you do. Max, stop raising you hand. Dave takes a second, then continues, "The immune system. We ALL have one. It's made up of white blood cells," draws a little rounded circle with a smiley face and little sticks for arms and legs, "and they defend out bodies from intruders," draws another one – this time putting teeth, horns, and a pitch fork. He then draws a gun in the hand of the white blood cell.

Matthew raises a hand.

"Matthew?"

"Question: do these white blood cells have any special powers?"

"No, they're more like Batman, Matthew."

"OH," Matthew chews on a pen top, "so they're millionaires?"

"Yes, Matthew, and they ride ponies," deeply sarcastic.

"I though so."

"Okay, let's just cut to the chase. Mr. James has issued free blood tests to all personnel. On the 14th floor. Anyone wishing to have their blood tested should report to the breakroom at 1:00. We have a doctor flown in especially by Mr. James. Meeting adjourned."

Matthew raises a hand.

"Meeting adjourned, Matthew!"