Disclaimer: Naruto = not mine!

Wow, I definitely did not expect such a big response!

I just kinda spat the first chapter out because the sassy Sasuke in my head was nagging to be written xD but I'm glad you all enjoyed it, and the reviews are seriously huge motivation to keep writing! Thank you all so much for encouraging me!

That being said, I'll just warn you now that I might not be as successful in quality in the subsequent chapters (AKA the one you're going to read now.…) And it might take about a week in between each update cause school likes to dictate my life. Also, the pace has slowed down because the first chapter was mostly exposition.

But yea, iunno, we'll see how it goes.

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Uchiha Sasuke was not a fan of new.

And this?

He mentally scanned a list of things he'd done recently and snidely noted that NO, this was not something he made a habit of doing on a regular basis.

Because instead of being in a comfortable limousine or attending a god awful corporate meeting (which was a sad but inevitable item on his list of not new things), Sasuke had instead found himself strapped down with thick leather binds to an uncomfortable wooden chair, rendering him incapable of using his arms or legs.

This only made him slightly wary – but he was definitely not a complete control freak by any definition of the term – and when he kicked his legs, he found they didn't move. Thus began his hysterical series of hyperventilation.

If this was God or whoever was up there's idea of punishment for shooting down all of those annoying teenage girls' hearts, he didn't think this was really just punishment. Because seriously? Seriously, God? Uchihas did not bode well with being… powerless. It was practically a cardinal sin or even, in his humble opinion, akin to having his balls forcibly ripped off. You can imagine that this didn't bode well for him.

He almost started to cry into his sleeve at the thought, before immediately stifling a quiet sniffle, reminding himself that he was an Uchiha. And though the situation screamed 'divine judgment' at him, he was STRONG and wouldn't succumb to letting whatever horrific God was up there see him cry.

But then he noticed something peculiar. What was more baffling than the fact that he was bound in a chair in the first place was how cheerfully sprung his little Sasuke Jr. down south was even though the situation really didn't call for any sexual arousal in the slightest. That was, until he heard a soft voice behind him, breathing into his neck.

"And the binds are set!" The voice was like crystal and he practically melted in the chair and oozed out. Suddenly a flash of tan skin and blonde hair appeared in front of him, completing the image of the God he had so hated a few moments ago, and his fingers teasingly ran along his thigh with strong slender fingers.

Sasuke Junior wriggled against his enclosure angrily, attempting to get closer to the sex god that had just approached him. And the only sound that Sasuke could make was:

"…Uh…?"

Quite the un-Uchiha-like noise. But at that point, he really didn't give a damn anymore.

Naruto laughed lightly, his voice echoing in that dark chamber and he slowly traced his finger tantalizingly up the Uchiha's thigh before resting on the belt buckle. The fan symbol that Sasuke usually wore with such pride suddenly felt like the greatest hindrance in the world, and then he felt Naruto's slick tan fingers slipping the belt buckle off.

"Little Sasuke wants to play, huh?"

"… g-guh.." Then the zipper was gone, and his pants were yanked down unceremoniously. Even through his lust-induced fervor, he could feel that he should've been at the very least a little bit embarrassed. But what could he do? His hands were tied, both proverbially and literally. "Oh, just have your way with me, moron. I can't do anything to stop you." He grumbled, feigning indifference, although little Sasuke begged to differ.

Naruto chuckled lightly, and Sasuke looked down to see the shock of blonde hair kneeling before him in what was quite a delectably submissive state. Then, oh, then it felt like heaven had just overcome him in the form of a rather talented young tongue and he shut his eyes and succumbed to the bliss, but then something felt a little wrong about the smoothness of the lips-

And then he heard it.

"Really Sasuke-kun?! I can have my way with you!? OMG Ino-pig's going to flip a shit." He opened his eyes slowly and stared down to see that it wasn't blonde, but pink.

Holy.

Fuck.

Suddenly, Sakura ripped off her shirt and descended onto the man like a vulture. Sasuke struggled in vain against the leather restraints, all the while screaming bloody murder when he jerked forward and-

---

"FUCK." He jolted immediately, smashing his head against the elegantly designed overhang of his modern black bed. He'd have to get that changed – especially considering that every goddamn morning that week had been spent that same way: with a fat, pretty bruise from the overhang staining his otherwise perfect face.

Pulling the covers of his bed aside, he wearily looked down to see Sasuke Junior springing happily with the prospects of a go at the sex god his brain had somehow managed to conjure up, completely unfettered by the demonic woman who had ruined all pretense of bliss.

He hated this – really. It had been about a week or so since his first encounter with the man, and the aftereffects were still ravaging his insides like a parasite, if the tented bed sheets in the morning or his increasingly pissy moods were any indications.

Most employees in his department tried to avoid him – which was actually really great, considering the way his mind tended to wander to thoughts about naked blondes when otherwise bored, leaving him with an uproariously joyful Sasuke Junior to tend to.

It appeared that years of lying dormant had made the little buddy quite active now that he had found something to keep him otherwise occupied. Unfortunately, imagination was about all he had going for him.

Physical relief with said blonde and reality seemed to evade him through the entire week while fantasies continued to plague him, and that's when he realized he had to tell his father before things got even more out of hand. Considering just how pervasive Sakura herself had been in his dreams, he knew he had to act fast before he became even more sexually stunted than he had been before.

And that dream just now had been the last straw.

One freezing shower and a few hours perfecting his image later, Sasuke decided the following: he had about 3 months until the end of his life, and God only knew he was too young to give up his youth now.

Not that he was really going to die but all sense of libido and other sorts of pleasantries (not that Uchihas ever admitted to feeling joy) would vanish in a matter of a day, and he'd never get his freedom back again. He blanched inwardly and struggled to fix his crimson tie once more. He breathed in deeply and began speaking quickly without taking so much as a breath.

"Right. Father. So I'm actually way more gay than you thought – and you must've thought I was pretty gay considering I always followed Itachi's footsteps and look where he ended up – but the fact of the matter is I'd much rather be fucking this one really delicious man I met at the wedding ring store than Sakura. Really." He halted and managed to catch a breath. Earnest onyx eyes stared into the mirror and blinked. It was very clear that his speech would obviously win great favors with his father.

He ran a comb through his hair because, homosexual tendencies aside, he was still an Uchiha. And even if he had no real plans for the day besides dropping the proverbial bomb on his father by coming out of the closet he didn't know he was in, he had to make sure he looked good. If all went well, it would be quick and painless – like ripping off a band-aid on a bloody oozing wound.

Although Sasuke likened this momentous day to be more like an axe wound through the chest than a little scab.

Setting the comb aside and fluffing his hair as casually as he could, he tapped his watch once, looked at his reflection with a tiny smirk (because, let's be honest here – he looked good) and walked out of his bathroom.

His mind – so analytical like most Uchihas were – continued to process this new situation quickly. After all, his father had heard of one son turning gay. Maybe the second wouldn't be so bad. Didn't women say that popping one baby was hell but the second one slid out a bit more easily? Sasuke nodded and gave himself an inner pat on the shoulder. Things would be A-OK. And if they weren't… well, at the very least, he could have a hot and heavy romance with the blonde before his doomsday. And maybe after his doomsday, they could remain on constant speed dial or something. Something like a booty call, although he didn't think the term really suited him.

He made his way outside of the apartment and into a black luxury car, ready to approach his parents and tell them the bad news with a grim frown on his face. At least the booty call didn't sound so bad.

…

OK, so scratch that. His absolutely perfectly prepared and eloquent speech had completely disappeared from his mind by the time he had arrived at the Uchiha manor.

White stained his knuckles against the black leather steering wheel and he slowly breathed in. Alright. Uchiha's were born for pressure. Uchiha's were the epitome of self-control. Epitome. Right. Sasuke closed his eyes and imagined an immaculate fan symbol and traced it a few times in his mind, muttering his mantra of 'Cool. Calm. Collected.', before shaking his head severely and nodding to himself. He was Uchiha Sasuke, he was going to talk to Papa Uchiha, and he was going to be cool, calm, and collected. And damnit, it was going to go perfectly.

He exited the car and entered the quaint little mansion with a new air of panicked calm. The maid led him upstairs to where Papa Uchiha and Mama Uchiha had apparently been watching television. Why his father was not working was a mystery indeed, considering that the recent merger with another company should have been eating up his time, but Sasuke decided against pressing the issue. He knocked the door lightly and heard his mother scrambling to her feet, shouting "I've got it!"

The door opened, and a frazzled Mama Uchiha appeared, with the television blaring Jersey Shore behind her. She smiled at her son instantly and pulled him into a tight embrace, as she led him inside.

"Sasuke, what are you doing here all of a sudden? I-Oh, I wasn't expecting any visitors today…" She muttered quickly, patting her skirt down nervously. Casting a forlorn glance at the image of 'The Situation' and his otherwise ridiculous antics, she reluctantly turned the TV off. Papa Uchiha grunted in the back and made his way over, clearly upset at his dose of stupidity being interrupted.

"I need to talk to you both about the marriage." Sasuke muttered, already distracted by the image of having just seen his parents enjoying a tv show on MTV, much less Jersey Shore. The whole thing was just about enough to make him want to reconsider the whole Uchiha legacy his father had always talked about – but only just barely.

His mother nodded and led them down to the sofa, where she and Papa Uchiha took their place at the center. Sasuke, ever the polite little child, took his place kneeling at the ground and looked up at his parents. And then… the speech left him, and instead the sensation known only as word vomit decided to happily take its place. It seemed that a lot of Sasuke's organs like Sasuke Junior and his mouth and his twitching neck, recently had taken on a life of their own.

"Well father – actually, the thing is I can't marry Sakura. I mean, it just wouldn't be proper and we all know how obsessed you bloody are with proper. See the thing is I-I uh." He paused and scratched his head lightly before his deceitful little tongue decided to go ahead and throw up the rest of his unprepared speech. Oh, he could already feel Itachi laughing at him now… "See, I knocked up this girl." '…uh?' "And the Haruno's would be really upset if they knew. I think I'll just lay low. Right father?"

A few short seconds passed by and Sasuke could almost hear Itachi's confusion. Hell, he was even confused. But then again, he was an Uchiha and Uchihas – as he had reminded himself in the car – performed best under pressure. And this excuse wasn't half so bad, although it did leave one thing to be left desired: the whole, coming out of the closet thing.

His father blinked, turned to look at his wife, then turned back to look at Sasuke. Then he started to laugh.

"Sasuke, you're not a virgin?!" Here, said son indignantly fumbled over his words, spluttering angrily as he glared at Papa Uchiha, who was at present wiping away some tears of joy. "Oh, son! This makes me quite nostalgic actually. Back in my day, I was spreading the seeds of love too! I'm glad you take after me – after all, Uchiha blood is quite precious and we must spread that love." He smiled fondly at some bizarre memory that Sasuke really didn't want to know about, and then his father spoke again. "I was so worried that you were actually gay. Now THAT would've been cause for cancelling the wedding-"

"Wait, father, I lied! I'm gay-"

"Now now, son. I know you don't want to marry Sakura, but that's a little extreme." His father stood up, brushed his pants down and leaned down to pat Sasuke's head affectionately. "Sakura will be pleased to know that you do know how to love a woman. And don't worry about your lovechild with that woman. We'll take care of keeping your little Uchiha spawn under wraps – as long as you keep that lady killer Sasuke Jr. Sakura's property from now on."

Sasuke stared in abject horror. Whatever the hell had just taken over his father and was now posing as him was doing a terrible job, and really, what the fuck had just happened to his plans for escaping the wedding?

"Wait, no seriously. I met this fucking hot ass guy at the wedding ring place and I want to bone him really hard." He paused and recollected himself only to begin to wail again, "I'm a virgin! I AM!"

But the older Uchiha would hear none of it, and only relayed onto his wife how happy he was that his youngest son was spreading his Uchiha genes throughout the world like a proper male should (unlike Itachi, who had already spurned this ability by pursuing male pregnancies. Needless to say, Papa Uchiha was not impressed with his eldest son.). Papa Uchiha strongly believed in blatant masculinity, which also translated to an animalistic 'survival of the fittest' theory that his offspring would soon come to dominate the world. Whether this idea was sound or not, Sasuke didn't think he had quite the balls to answer. Snapping the son from his reverie, Papa Uchiha grumbled loudly enough to shake his thoughts.

"Now Sasuke. Stop lying to me and please leave. You are cutting into precious Jersey Shore time and I will not allow for you to rescind this marriage with Sakura, under ANY circumstances. Now move, you're in the way." Papa Uchiha flipped on the TV and waved his son away, trying to gain more insight on how exactly Snooki's breasts seemed to defy all natural laws of gravity. What was only slightly more alarming was the fact that he was at the moment wondering how he could utilize this highly sought after knowledge on his dear Mikoto. Said woman was blithely unaware as she watched the insipid show flash before her, but Papa Uchiha reasoned that she didn't have to be aware of it – the poor woman wouldn't know what hit her.

---

And with that, option 1 of Sasuke's list of possible ways of getting out of his marriage was crossed out. Apparently proclaiming that you had knocked up another woman was not the right thing to make the Uchiha family reconsider the marriage, and rather only served to fan on the flames (oh, the pun killed him, it really did).

Which was really something else, if you thought about it. Most families didn't exactly enjoy providing for little children running amok from various mothers – bad publicity, at the very least- but then again, the Uchihas weren't most families.

And Sasuke was not the typical groom.

He wearily looked down at the scrap sheet of paper where he had written down some of his more plausible options and sighed. This next plan would be a joy ride, that was for sure.

In his spindly neat handwriting, he had scripted in black ink the following.

Option 2: Piss Sakura off enough to have her call the whole thing off.

What this would entail, he wasn't quite sure.

He could think of a few things that she wasn't quite fond of, primarily including thick eyebrows and spandex, but he wasn't really sure if his heart was ready for that leap yet… And then he imagined those gorgeous blue eyes and the perfectly pert lips, the sandy blonde hair and whiskered cheeks and sighed in defeat.

Oh, the lengths he would go to have just one taste of that god-awfully gorgeous blonde.

AN: So ok, I'll be totally honest. I don't really know where this is going, but wherever it is going, it WILL be SasuNaru. And I'm sorry if this totally sucked but yeah.

I've like got the worst commitment issues in all matters of importance like relationships and writing and such things. But reviews do help! :)

Hopefully it wasn't as terrible as I thought -_-. We shall see…

Oh yeah, and Jersey Shore. I don't know, I don't watch it, but my friends do. It sounds pretty dumb… so I wanted to poke fun ;P

OKKK byeee. Until next time!