Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

Author's Notes: If there are any errors here, both spelling and grammar, let me know! Thanks, yo! Um, this one was really hard to write, all my ideas are lame. I have some really funny ones (in my opinion) for MUCH later chapters/books, but yeah. I feel the ending on this one is a bit rushed. Oh well. Enjoy (hopefully). Language is a little worse here, but its not as bad as it seems.

Chapter 2: The Vanishing Ass

Nearly seven times two minus four years had passed since the Derby's decided that they'd like to install some windows onto their home in Private Drove, which was nearly unrecognizable. The sun refused to rise on the right size of the horizon, and as such, the Derby's house was shrouded in darkness. The darkness infested their living-room, which was now a fancy bedroom/suite, complete with hot tub and bar. Only the frames on the mantelpiece remained the same - they were still empty. However, ever since that fateful day, the Derby's household increased from three to four. Mary Squatter still lived here. But not for long.

Mary's Aunt Begonia was asleep, and her deep grunts pulsating throughout the entire house was the first thing she heard. It caused Mary to arise from her bed irritably, and she headed towards the kitchen, the smell of frying pan on bacon inflating her nostrils.

In the hallway, scratching her butt, Mary tried to forget that, terrible, terrible dream she had had. There had been an old man in it. She had a uncomfortable feeling she'd seen this same man before - in the shower.

In the kitchen, she spotted her aunt on the floor, but had not the heart to awaken her. Today was probably going to be one of the most awful days of Mary's life. Spudley's eleventh birthday. The petting zoo. The tenth time. She groaned at just the thought, and quickly dug into her well-done frying pan.

Perhaps it had something to do with living in a gigantic bedroom, complete with hot tub and bar, but Mary had always been slightly overweight. She looked even larger due to the fact that she constantly sported belly shirts and unflattering pants, which were the same ones she had been wearing for the past seven years. Mary had a full face, thick thighs, and black hair, and green eyes. She wore sharply angled glasses, good as new, mainly because they were new. The only thing Mary disliked about her appearance was the vivid and blotchy mark on her stomach, one that looked strikingly like cheese. The day previous, the first time she had noticed it, she had ask Aunt Begonia how she had got it.

'I think its that tattoo you got a few years ago,' she had said, forgetting that Mary had gotten that on her butt. 'Anything else?'

Anything else - that was the last rule for a quiet life with the Derby's, one that Mary shuddered to think about.

Uncle Burnin' soon appeared in the doorway, looking as if he had been out for several days. In fact, he had.

'What day is it?' was his greeting, as usual.

About once a month, Uncle Burnin' would be out of it for days, and upon awakening, would always ask for the day. Sometimes he needed reassurance as to where he was.

'I dunno,' Mary said shiftily, chewing carefully on her frying-pan as Spudley entered the room.

'Its my birthday!' Spudley screamed in joy, 'Petting zoo time!'

'Happy birthday, son!' Uncle Burnin' grunted, shoving a grubby brown package in Spudley's hands.

'Gee wiz, thanks! That's one more than last year!' Spudley said with pure gratitude.

'Well, don't expect to see anything in it.'

'Oh.' Spudley's face fell slightly, and he turned to his now rising mother.

Aunt Begonia obviously scented discontentment - she had a little magic running in her veins - and said, 'Now, now popsicle, when were out, we'll get you two NEW presents! Oh, and don't forget, you haven't counted Aunt Large's present! Dog biscuits - those will be perfect to bring to the petting zoo!'

At that very moment, the door bell rang, and Aunt Begonia ran off to answer it. Mary and Uncle Burnin' watched Spudley perform a variety of idiotic and comedic acts, for the sole purpose of their entertainment. When he dissatisfied them, they would throw chunks of their breakfast at him.

'Good news, Vernon,' Aunt Begonia shouted from the hall. 'Mrs Rigg's dropped dead on our front lawn! At least I hope so, we won't be able to go to the petting zoo then - oh wait, she got up. Oh well, I tried.'

Spudley's eyes closed in sadness. Every year, Mrs Rigg would walk over to the Derby's to give Spudley a birthday present, and every year, she would collapse and pass out on their front lawn. He turned around, and walked out of the room, to ensure Mrs. Rigg was still ok.

Mary, yawning and stretching in disappointment, vacated the room, saying she was quite ill and did not want to go on the day's excursion.

'Now what?' Aunt Begonia said, scratching idly at her wrist as she re-entered the room, loud enough for it to carry through the walls.

'We could phone Large,' was the response.

'But she's not dead!'

'What about Whats-Her-Face, your friend?'

'She's on her honeymoon with I-Don't-Remember-Who… She MIGHT be dead though!'

This conversation was cut to an end, when the door bell rang yet again.

'Beers Pollpiss is here!' Spudley shouted from outside. 'Hurry, hurry, or will miss all the llamas!'

Five minutes later, the Derby's, Mary and Beers were at the petting zoo, located fifty metres from their front door.

At the zoo's entrance, Spudley and Beers were having an argument on whether motorcycles were designed for flight. Uncle Burnin' ended the argument by bellowing, 'MOTORCYCLES FLY!'

It was a very stormy evening, and many of the animals were already in their barns. Only the pony and horse exhibition was still running, and everyone hurried over to them, Mary quickly licking a loose gorilla before following everyone else.

It was smelly and sticky where the ponies were, and they were all lined up in cages with labels. Behind the bars, the creatures whinnied and cried for there mothers, and because they were so bloody uncomfortable. To get real close, everyone needed to get through a ticket admission, and Mary stood behind her aunt.

'Ouch!' her aunt screamed, upon reaching the ticket admission, her butt being caught in between it. 'Help!'

Mary gasped in fear, what happened if she was caught there forever, and the she was doomed to remain at the petting zoo until her aunt starved to death!?

And with a silent pop, which makes absolutely no sense, Mrs. Derby's butt vanished!

'Thanks dearie!' Aunt Begonia winked, her backside now literally non-existent. With that she walked through the admission, leaving a bemused Mary behind her.

Mary wandered off from the main group after that incident, for some alone time, but she began to hear many hoarse voices.

'Been out here all stinkin' day!'

'Wish I could have a stretch, maybe get a little grub…'

'Pur-lease - these people baffle me!'

'Neigh!'

Mary burped in shock, could she hear the thoughts or voices of horses? She rounded on the nearest horse, one that was a dark, charcoal black. Very slowly, it rose its head up to her face, and then, ever slowly, began to attempt to eat her face!

Eat her face.

Mary screamed. And then said, 'Stop!'

It did, as if it understood. It then said, 'Look were all just frustrated right now, being cooped up and all. And to top it off, I'm next to some ass, that got mistaken for a horse. Heesh!'

'I know,' Mary lied, annoyed, spotting the ass. 'Its so ugly, I wish I could help - it looks really annoying.'

'SPUDLEY! MR DERBY! COME AND LOOK AT THESE HORSES! YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT THEY ARE DOING!' came Beers ringing voice from the other side of the zoo.

Mary sighed, and closed her eyes in frustration, what were they doing? She swung her arm out in anger and jets of white light zapped from it, hurtling towards the ass. And with another silent pop, it disappeared.

'Nice one mate,' her new friend Horsie said, and he high-hoofed the bars.

'Np, I'll like catch u 'round, k? Gtg!' was Mary's response, and she hurried off to the now screaming guests.

As she was running to the fleeing crowd, Mary pondered on her life so far. For the ten years she had lived with the Derby's, she had always been causing odd things to happen. A little vanishing here, a little swelling there - but nothing this major. Her aunt and uncle had always told her that her parents had killed each other, and that they had been a witch and wizard themselves, but Mary seldom believed them. Looking back at the day, Mary had to believe. How did she vanish the ass, and that other one? How could she talk to horses, and possibly ponies? All of these questions were futile to ask herself, as she had no idea what the hell she was thinking about anymore.

More LAME names:

Large - Aunt Marge

Beers Pollpiss - Piers Polkiss (How is his first name pronounced, I have no idea, I just tried to rhyme it...)

Mrs. Rigg, the batty fish neighbour - Mrs. Figg, the batty cat neighbour

Horsie - Snakey

Whats-her-face - Yvonne (the 'friend' you hear about once, and then never again).