A/N: So happy of all this feedback (cough three reviews) even though this is possibly pure crack. Like seriously. So crack-y that it's not even cocaine.
That was a bad joke.
Chapter Two: Meetings
-Ringtones
The Noble House of the Kuchiki was a surprisingly lenient one during family meetings. Due to the grandeur of the noble house, most Kuchikis needed to sit in rows, similar to a church pattern in the living world, while the elders at the front, or maybe the head of the clan, Kuchiki Byakuya, addressed a matter.
If the Soul Pager of one of the nobles rang, they were allowed to quietly excuse themselves and make their way out of the large room, and answer the call. Once the call was finished, they were allowed to silently reenter the room and continue listening to the meeting.
However, they are strict in oddities.
"Hey Byakushi Byakushi Byakushi hey Byakushi Byakushi Byakushi hey Byakushi Byakushi Byakushi hey Byakushi Byakushi Byakushi hey Byakushi Byakushi Byakushi hey Byakushi Byakushi Byakushi hey Byakushi Byakushi Byakushi hey Byakushi Byakushi Byakushi hey Byakushi Byakushi Byakushi hey Byakushi Byakushi Byakushi hey Byakushi Byakushi Byakushi hey Byakushi Byakushi Byakushi hey Byakushi Byakushi Byakushi hey Byakushi Byakushi Byakushi hey Byakushi Byakushi Byakushi hey Byakushi Byakushi Byakushi hey Byakushi Byakushi Byakushi hey Byakushi Byakushi Byakushi hey Byakushi Byakushi Byakushi hey Byakushi Byakushi Byakushi hey Byakushi Byakushi Byakushi hey Byakushi Byakushi Byakushi hey Byakushi Byakushi Byakushi hey Byakushi Byakushi Byakushi hey Byakushi Byakushi Byakushi hey Byakushi Byakushi Byakushi hey Byakushi Byakushi Byakushi hey Byakushi Byakushi Byakushi hey Byakushi Byakushi Byakushi hey Byakushi Byakushi Byakushi hey Byakushi Byakushi Byakushi - OOH WAIT IS THAT A COOKIE PINBALL GIVE ME THAT COOKIE I WANT THAT COOKIE PINBALL GIVE IT TO ME - hey Byakushi Byakushi Byakushi hey Byakushi Byakushi Byakushi hey Byakushi Byakushi Byakushi - "
Byakuya, with a twitch in his eye slowly developing despite his usually stoic portrayal, and his adoptive sister staring at him with a mixture of horror and shock, he made a mental note to never forget his Soul Pager near the Eleventh Division barracks again.
Ever.
-Pudding
"Matsumoto!" the scathing voice of the child prodigy met the busty lieutenant's ears the moment she entered the office. "Where have you been?!"
"Captaiiiiiiiiin!" Rangiku yelled, flailing her hands around in the air in frustration. "That's the ninth time a guy's dumped me this month!"
Toshiro sweatdropped as his lieutenant seated herself on the couch in the room, her hands crossed and pouting like a child, while she ranted about how much she hated men.
"Geez! What's their problem?! I mess up one little teensy thing! And they dump me! Humph! They're so picky!" Rangiku crossed her arms in front of her well-endowed chest. "Men are so weird!"
"I don't want to hear that from you," Toshiro objected, rubbing his brow and accidently smearing it black with ink. He grumbled in slight frustration as he tried to wipe it off, as the black contrasted starkly from his white eyebrow. "In fact, women are probably even more weird."
"Captain!" the door to the office flung open, revealing his seventh seat, Takezoe Kokichiro. His bushy eyebrows were knit together in alarm, and he seemed out of breath and sweaty, as if he had performed flash step as fast as he could toward the office. He kneeled down. "I apologize for the informal entrance! However, Lieutenant Kira Izuru has been found naked and covered in pudding, unconscious near the barracks!"
Toshiro blinked slowly, processing what he just heard. He turned to his lieutenant.
"I take that back," Toshiro mumbled.
-Freedom...or not
In the office of the Sixth Division, a certain tattooed lieutenant was scribbling as fast as he could with an ink brush on piles of paperwork. Outside, chaos reigned over the barracks, while Shirogane Mihane, their ninth seat, called out orders.
"The Ambassador Seaweed poster is crooked! Go fix it!"
"Have the floors been waxed?!"
"Where did the vending machine go!?"
"Since when do we have a vending machine?!"
"Renji-san..." Rikichi blinked at the flurry of black that were the shinigami rushing back and forth. "Captain Kuchiki's at a clan meeting, right? Shouldn't this be an opportunity to relax?"
Renji flung the sheet of paperwork at the steadily growing pile. "He gives us tasks," was his brisk reply, as he grabbed another sheet.
Under his breath, he murmured, "And reinforces it with Senbonzakura."
-Shrinking
"You can play with that, Goro," Komamura Sajin handed over the dirty, ripped, and bloodied haori and shihakusho to his dog, who was a husky mix that looked remarkably similar to his owner.
Goro barked loudly in assent. Komamura had just recently got another, newer haori and shihakusho (custom-made to accommodate his grandeur), and his pet loved playing with fabrics, so he gently draped them over the ground, and the dog pounced into the pile of clothing quickly, with a high-pitched yap of excitement.
"I need to do some work, so I'll be at the office," he informed his dog, who was still happily playing in the barracks. He quickly left.
"Captain!" The Seventh Division's eighth seat, Kotsubaki Miwaka, burst in the room a few moments after he left. "We have an iss - "
She stared down at the dog, barely reaching her knee, covered in her captain's shihakusho and haori.
"ue..." she finished lamely.
"Holy Soul King Captain Komamura shrunk!" she screamed.
-Well, look at that
Miwaka ran through the barracks of the Seventh Division, panting for breath but keeping up her pace as she arrived at the office. She flung open the door, ready to report to her lieutenant that their captain had shrunk.
Her eyes fell on the large wolf soul in the room. "Captain Komamura!" she addressed to him, gasping for breath. "Captain Komamura shrunk!"
She whipped around, about to lead the way, when she turned back. "Wait..."
Her captain stared at her with a blank look on his face.
"..."
-Oh, shi -
"Go go go!" Rikichi yelled at their thirteenth seat, pumping his fist and bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet. "Make the home run! Go straight through third base!"
He had been relieved when all the work in the Sixth Division had been finished, and finally they could play kickball again. It was a nice change from the previous, worried atmosphere.
He groaned lightly as their fourth seat used shunpo to rapidly snatch the ball that was kicked and touched their thirteenth seat again. "Bad luck," he mumbled.
The next batter was Renji, who was looking confident as he marched up to home base. "Renji-san!" Rikichi called. "We're losing, so try making a home run!"
"I know!" Renji called back, before grinning at the Sixth Division's eighth seat, who was the one rolling the ball. "Dude, you're going down."
"We'll see about that," the eighth seat replied, a spark of lighthearted rivalry between them.
Rikichi held his breath as he flung the ball toward Renji, who narrowed his eyes, positioned himself, and red reiatsu crackled in the air around him.
He kicked the ball straight-on with his right leg, flinging it far to the left. Rikichi's eyes widened. "Renji-san! Go!" it was still soaring, though going lower. This was definitely a home run. As expected of a lieutenant.
As Renji sprinted from home to first base to second and third, the kickball seemed to be nearing the ground. When Rikichi noticed something.
"Renji-san!" he called, making the lieutenant's head swivel toward him as he sprinted to home base. He hesitated, before pointing in the direction the kickball went.
Renji, confused, looked over to where the kickball was going, and his eyes widened in surprise and terror.
And the kickball slammed itself straight in the face of an approaching Kuchiki Byakuya.
-'Cleaning'
Hitsugaya Toshiro grumbled as he, yet again, worked alone on paperwork. His lieutenant had assured him that she was going to take care of Lieutenant Kira and ask him exactly why he was in his division barracks, in a loincloth, and covered in pudding, and after that she was going to send him back to the Third Division.
At least she had a valid reason this time. Still, Toshiro didn't like the fact that she managed to squirm out of paperwork so easily.
He took a pause, and stretched his back, before massaging the cramp out of his writing hand. There was a knock on his door as he worked the cramp through his arm, and he let it drop, looking at the office door. "Come in," was his neutral call.
His fourth seat entered. "Reporting in; third seat Iemura of the Fourth Division has brought an advanced relief squad and is looking over Lieutenant Kira. He seems to be intoxicated, but that is all."
"Wait," the air around him dropped a few degrees. "Iemura? What about Matsumoto?"
His fourth seat looked equally surprised. "She said she was going carousing..."
Frost started forming around the edges in the room, and his fourth seat shivered.
"MATSUMOTO!"
-Sparkly Pink Petals
Matsumoto Rangiku sneezed as she downed another shot.
She scratched the back of her head. "Itt'ssh not 'ven cold 'ere.." she slurred slightly over her words. Weee...the world was spinning. Wait, why had she sneezed.
She looked outside through the see-through glass doors. "Mmm...th' doors ain't op'n..." she mumbled, swaying slightly. She decided that the ground was spinning too much, so she helped it out by sitting on it and keeping it still. "Ahh...b'ttr.."
She suddenly heard a commotion outside. She looked over, catching a glimpse of spiky, red hair, before a Soren Sokatsui went after it followed by a stream of sakura cherry blossoms.
Rangiku reached for another shot. "Th's s'ms kinda fam'liar..." she said, closing her fist several times before grabbing a shot. She downed it in one quick gulp. "Th' alpacas l'ft so qu'ckly?"
-Babies
"Mayurin! I'm boooooored!"
Kurotsuchi Mayuri scowled as he stood up straight from behind over a clutter of test tubes. On an operating table, he was operating on a hollow that they had captured live. The irritating girl had been sent to his division for 'babysitting' after that Ukitake had gotten a chill. He had told her to stay still and not to move a muscle, but the stupid lieutenant seemed not to understand words, and she had even somehow broken into the operating room.
He turned around, his scowl deepening. "Then leave, inferior child," he almost spat.
"Mayurin's so stupid! I wanna stay!"
A tick vein popped in his forehead, and briefly he considered modifying her so she could no longer speak or move, but he quickly scrapped the idea. He wouldn't want that Kenpachi brute come crashing in his lab, destroying all his scientific equipment.
"Ne, Mayurin! Tell me something!" the girl called.
He glared at her, before asking irritably. "What is it? Can't you see I'm busy here?"
"How are babies made?"
-Babies (2)
"...and that's how babies are made," Ikkaku's small superior concluded, finishing the most descriptive and detailed explanation of reproduction Ikkaku had ever heard. The men behind him were sporting either shocked, surprised, horrified or disgusted looks on their faces.
"And you wanna know how the babies are fed? Apparently they have no teeth! So they can't eat any solid - "
Ikkaku palmed his hand to his face, closing his eyes and taking deep breaths.
"Lieutenant Kusajishi," he said slowly. "Who...exactly, told you this?"
"Huh?" Yachiru blinked. "Oh! Mayurin did! He said that I was lucky I was being taught this by a superior mind - ooh! I'm gonna go tell Snowy!" without further ado, she shot off in a blur of pink.
Yumichika and Ikkaku locked eyes, and they silently agreed on something.
"Otonara, Narisa," he called his sixth and eighth seats. "Get the bazooka, we're going to the Twelfth Division."
-TRUE STORY [Rukia]
"During my first trip to the real world with my classmates, while I was still in the Shin'o Academy, we went to fight a group of hollows. However, our spiritual pressure attracted even more hollows, and soon enough there was a large scale battle, and it was the first real battle I'd ever fought in. The three sixth-years that were supervising us had to release their shikai to defeat all of the hollows. Once we were done, everyone was clustered in a huge group, while one of the sixth years asked us to tell him the injuries to see if we needed help from the Fourth Division. People around me called out 'Broken arm!' and 'Dislocated shoulder!' and other unrealistic large-scale injuries, even though I saw nothing wrong with them, and I figured that we were intentionally doing that so we could get healed sooner, so I called out 'Broken fetus!' True story."
A/N: Please give me requests, this chapter was pretty lame and very similar to the first chapter and I'm losing ideas. Unft. Review!
-alittlebitlate